Trying to understand why people do what they do

[UnicornGirl]

I don't get that asking how everyone's doing. My ex does the same thing, told me to say hi to everyone for him. What's the deal with that?

 

I don't think you should invite her over, I think she should be the one inviting you places.

[Sukotto]

Invited her but she said she wouldn't be much company and would just fall asleep and she wasn't being rude of awkward, she's done about 45 hours this week at work so she's probably telling the truth. So I guess its back to no contact again unless she phones tomorrow to wish me happy birthday.

 

Lets hope!

[bigacesteve]

Hope everyone has had a top Xmas.

 

Went out yesterday and during the day I felt really down and upset. In the end I went home, sorted my head out and went out with my housemates.

 

I bumped into a girl I used to fancy years ago at college. I thought she was still seeing a lad I knew years ago but apparently they've been apart for 5 years now. We had a really good laugh and ended up at a house party somewhere. She kept apologising about dragging me away from my friends but I told her I was really enjoying myself. We walked into this house and I knew most of the people in there anyway. We got really drunk and we were all over each other. Didn't go too far and she seemed really keen on me. She made me promise her that I'd ring today. She thought it would be a good idea to go out together when we're sober. She also told me that she's always fancied me; I'd noticed but thought nothing of it because I thought she was still seeing this lad.

 

Spoke to her tonight and she's still up for meeting up again. Fingers crossed people. She's a real fun person and life of the party.

 

Xmas started off really depressing but once I picked up my brother and went around the olds it's just got better during the day.

 

Seems that a few of us have bumped into people we used to fancy years ago and then gone out with them.

 

P.S. I had a Merry Xmas message and good luck with next year in the Police from my ex, which was nice of her. I understand that I need to move on from her, so I'll be leaving it at that and try to sort out meeting this new girl even if it's just for fun.

 

Laters all

[Weird]

Cool Steve, hope the girl stays normal and you can have fun with her.

 

Nice to see your ex message you for xmas and wishing luck on the police job. Shows some class on her part.

 

No messages from Ali...didn't sign onto AIM or email me or leave a message on my machine. Oh well, it was a 50/50 shot she'd contact me. Sort of funny to me since we "parted ways" last month on fine terms so it isn't like there is a reason to not even say "hey Rob, merry xmas"

 

I thought about sending her an email but I did that last year so screw that this year.

 

Went to my folks' house today and thought I would think about her and get a little down (I did last year) but didn't. I feel good today...probaly has to do with the fact I know how she is these days and how work is her lfie whereas last year I only could guess what she was up to, etc.

 

Anyway, hope you all had a great day.

[djones]

Hey Guys,

 

Bigsteve---my fingers are crossed and any good luck charm I have here are being used for you bubby, I hope it goes well with your sober meeting with the newchick....Just be yourself it seems like she liked you in the past and you did too so it looks good man, keep us posted

 

I think all of us here need the new phrases in our lives here "New Girl, and New guy" respectively I dont know but its damn about time for all of us to get someone that will really care for us!!.....like MJ said 2005 will be a good year for us, maybe we are all fine wines we just get better with age

 

Weird---I am glad to hear you had a good time yesterday!! and not thinking too much about the ex!

 

Sukotto--- I think she will call to wish you happy birthday....p/s HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAN!!!

 

Update with me---I met the new girls mom and sister (i was s***ing bricks man I was not sure if they will like me) they were real cool and they liked me, thats what the new girl told me this morning so that was cool. We stayed there for awhile then we went for a drive and she showed me the places where she grew up....guys i had so much fun we just drove around and just got a cup of coffee at the 7 and 11 and she wanted to get candy, we were looking for that candy, i dont know if you all remember "pop rocks" you know the ones that make a popping sound in your mouth....It was nothing fancy (the coffee and candy and the drive) but it was just fun...I dont know its like we are in our teens again it was great.....hehe I have the big idea that she would take half the package of the pop rocks in her mouth and i would take the other half and then kiss with it in our mouths...hehe it let me tell you that was experience...the poping and kissing not a bad combo!! guys try that out when you are on a date with your "new guy or New Girl" ......i dont know whats happeing ot me but i am enjoying the ride righ now.....today she asked me out again so i am going out to dinner and cooffe e with her.....i will fill you all in later.... well take care and talk to you all soon

[Urban Rubble01]

Good to hear you're doing well Drjones. Pop rocks while kissing ? That sounds a little weird.

 

Sukotto, did she call for your birthday ?

 

My holidays were good, but bad at the same time. The night before Christmas Eve the ex called and asked what I wanted to eat, she was coming into town and she was picking up something for us to eat. Cool. So we ate in my room, hung out and talked. For the rest of the night we just hung out like the old days, sat on my bed and watched TV, had a really good time just like usual. And yeah, we had sex.

 

The next day we went to the mall. Again, just like the old days, we laughed and had SO much fun. She had to go home and eat with the parents so she said she'd stop by later. Well, she did and we just hung out like normal, again. So Christmas comes, I called her around noon to ask if she wanted to come pick up the little present I got her. She said she would, but it'd be later as she had family stuff. So the day passes, no call, I ended up going to the movies at 7:00. She didn't call my cell phone during the movie, but I got home and her name was on my caller I.D. So I call her, she tells me she had to go back up to the city because her work called and they needd her the next day. She said we should make plans later in the week to exchange our gifts. Fine, whatever, I don't know why she didn't call the cell, but whatever. So we talked for awhile, I was feeling pretty down and couldn't hang up. Normally when she can tell I'm feeling down, she reassures me it'll work out, tells me she loves me and all that. She did that some, but not much, it was a little weird. So as we're talking I hear her go "Are you leaving?" I asked "Who was that?" she said "A friend". I ask "A guy?" "Yeah". So I didn't even ask any questions, I said I'll talk to you later and she said she'll call me tomorrow (today) after work. She sounded all embarassed, probably because she just got done telling me everything would be fine.

 

So this is my dilema: Now, we're broken up, but she constantly reminds me that it's just a break. She has every right to be haning out with guys, dating guys, whatever. But she doesn't have the right to hide it from me. But the one thing I've asked her to do is to be honest with me, actually, last night as we were talking I said "If you care about me at all, you've got to be honest regardless of if it hurts me". Her response was "O.K, but there's nothing to tell". All I want is honesty and I think I deserve to be told if she's hanging out with other guys. I don't even know who it was, it may have been just a friend. But still, it hurts that someone was sitting there as I'm talking her like that and it hurts that she can't even tell me.

 

So what do I say when I talk to her ? I'm not looking to give her any ultimatums or get pissed and yell at her, but I am pretty angry and I want to let her know I'm serious. I just want answers, she constantly tells me she loves me as much as she always has and that we're so perfect together, there's no way it won't work out. But at the same time, she's hanging out with this guy. Am I dumb to believe that she sees it working out ?

 

Ugghh, I feel like that first week all over again. Which is idiotic because I know I'm in a better position with my ex than alot of people. I guess this is the risk of accepting a "break". If I had said no, I won't wait, yo'ure out of my life, that would kill me, but at least it would be steady, none of this feeling great and then being dropped back down.

[Sukotto]

She sent me a message wishing me happy birthday via sms. Then I replied saying I'd been to the sales and saw a mp3 player she might like. She then sent a message back saying thanks. Skip a few hours later after I'd been home and then back to the mall. She sent me another text asking questions, so I went and met her with her mum. We talked for a bit and I helped her pick a nice new one.

 

Then her mum insisted we go for coffee and it was just idle chat, she was complaining about the condition of her skin and other female things. Then her mum disappeared to the toilet and she gave me a hug and a kiss. Then when her mum got back we left and we went to look in one store together, then I decided that it was time for me to leave so her mum went into GAP and she gave me another hug and a kiss, the thing that puzzles me is the way she acts in front of her mum and when we're alone. She's very casual when her mum is about, maybe its so her mum doesn't pass any judgement I dont know.

 

But I'm going back to the no contact thing for now, i suspect we'll talk just after midnight on January 1st. After that I might take her out for dinner after her birthday which is the 4th of January. I just dont know, i might just sent her a card and not do anything.

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

First off Merry X-mas to everyone here at the shack. I hope it was a joyous one and everyone got their x-mas wish. I havnt been able to post much because i have been working alot and such. I spent about a hour today reading up on everyones post so i wll try to comment on things after i write about the last couple days. Anyways I have to say xmas was pretty depressing for me. I had to work all day so i didnt get to see my family much or spend time with my friends and ofcourse this made me think about my ex alot. I really have been missing her much. Maybe because the move or just because it was the holidays and they are hard. I dont know. I got a call from my ex ex and two girls that i hung out with a few times called me to wish me a merry xmas. It was nice that they took the time to do that. One of the girls that called me we had a little thing going for awhile but she just wasnt interested I guess so we stopped talking. It hurt that she called but yet a ex that i thought truly loved me and that i spent great times with didnt even bother to call. Im sure that when I tell all my friends here on the shack that i sent her a text saying Merry Xmas to her and her family you guys will probably tell me i shouldnt have. Well I did and ofcourse no response!!! I was truly thinking that I would being Christmas and all but I didnt. I was just so lonely and sad that I sent it. I dont know if she even has the same phone number anymore so who knows if she got it. I will probably never know. Man I miss her so much still. It hurts. Its been six months now and I still think about her all the time. I just would love to know what happened and why she moved but I guess i never will. My mom asked what i wanted for xmas and all i said is that I just want one day that i dont think about her and feel sad. My mom almost cried and she said that if she could do that for me she would. Well i didnt get that gift this year, lol.... So anyways it was a tough couple days for me. when I first started posting here on the shack i was one of the few that actually heard from my ex on a somewhat regular basis. Now im the guy that doesnt here from my ex at all. It seems that alot of you others are hearing from your ex's, making progress, of moving on. Im sad to say that im not. However i dont know any of you nor have we ever met but im happy for all of you. I truly am.

My older sister was in town for the holidays and she told me that 'IF MY EX IS MY SOULMATE, SHE WILL COMEBACK" you know our favorite line. I still try to believe but i guess as each day that passes and i dont hear from her that it gets harder and harder to believe.

 

Drjones- Man i am so happy for you. You seem that you are in a great spot right now. Your ex makes conatct with you and you also have a new girl that sounds great. You have the world at your finger tips my brother. Remember whe we first started, the roles were kinda reversed. Im glad to see that things are on the up and up with you. keep it up, you make me proud.

 

Bigsteve- congrats on the police thing. Good luck with the nw girl. Its cool how you bumbed into this girl after five years. have some fun with her man and it seems that you are talking to your ex too or atleast having some type of contact. Let us know how things go with the new girl.

 

urban- I have been really interested in yor post lately. I used to be in the exact same situation with you. On abreak but we still slept with each other and did the normal BF/Gf stuff. You know, movies,mall,dinner,etc... However for me I couldnt do it because i was still so inlove with her. It killed me to think that she had open range do whatever she wanted. while i sat there and waited for her to come back, for her she could have been out looking for someone new. Thats what happend and it hurt. Now your situation might be totally different but if its not man, just be carefull. If you could do it and be fine if that time she says that you cant hang out anymore because she met someone new, then go for it. I jsut dont want you to get hurt. Hope i did not say anything that pissed you off but i was just sharing my experience. Take care man.

 

Head/heels- How you doing man? Any progress with the ex?

 

mj- I hope you drank alot during teh holidays or atleast put a few back for me since i was on a tour,lol... How are you doing?

 

Sukotto- I feel your situation man. Its funny how people act different around certain people. Do what you have to do with the NC stuff. You know whats best. What i would do just to hug my ex again or one last time. You got that so i think your lucky. I probably will never see my ex agin considering she moved farther away. Even if it was a hug of friends, i would love it, but i will never get that.

 

weird- Hey man hpw are you doing? I just want to thank yo for all the advice you have give n me in the past. You are very smart when it comes to this stuff. Correct me if im wrong but did you have contact with your ex. All these post are running togther for me, there sre so man. Im hurting right now man and all i want is for it to go away. I agree with the whole parting on good terms. My ex and I were the same so i cant figure out why its so hard for them to wish you a Merry Xmas or a simple hello. I mean even if thay have someone new, how much time does it really take to send a IM or a text. You know? It hurts. Last year I was opening gifts with her and looking at xmas lights and now i get nothing, not evenb a simple phone call. Oh well there is a reason for it I suppose, but will we ever find out. I like to sometimes think that maybe our exes didnt want to leave us but the timing was bad so they had too. Maybe they cant contact us because it hurts them too. I doubt it but its a thought that makes me from feeling low.

 

 

 

Well im going to try get soem sleep but i will catch you all later. take Care......Kodiak

[Urban Rubble01]

Kodiak, first off, no worries of saying anything that'll piss me off. I need honesty more than anything in the world.

 

Now, I understand that I'm kind of doing this to myself by continuing seeing her and all that. But at the same time, I like to think that she'll be in my life even if we never got back together. I've known her since I was 12, I'm 22 now. We were best friends long before the relationship. So, I'm trying to keep it in mind that no matter how much she still loves me, she may not come back.

 

There have also been a few things that happened since my last post. First, her best friend called me to invite me to her birthday party and we got to talking. I told her about the whole thing with that guy being there. She basically told me that Rochelle still loves me, but that she really doesn't know what she wants. She said she has been hanging out with other guys, but that from what she can tell it isn't serious. She also told me that I should move on, not because it isn't going to work out, but because neither of us know if it will. So, Rochelle called me. She started out by apologizing for last night and saying that it was just a friend from work that stopped by to smoke out. She said she has been hanging out with guys, but that it's nothing serious. I told her "I've told you this before, but I want to say it again. I know you're concerned with hurting me, and if you care at all about me you'll listen when I say this, the only way to minimize the pain is to be honest, even if it's something that will hurt me". She said there was nothing to tell right now and that she really does see a future with me. So at this point, if she doesn't genuinely think it'll work out one day, she's just trying to hurt me on purpose.

 

So, I don't know. I guess nothing has really changed. I know it's not the smartest thing to continue to seeing, but it's a risk I have to take. I just can't force myself to cut off contact completely. I know that if I stop talking to her completely, I'll feel the same, I'll still wonder just like I do now, but I also won't get to hang out with her.

 

I'm just not too good at all this. It was so unexpected.

[djones]

Hey Guys,

 

How are you all today?....I am doing fine, let me give you all an update with me, last night I went out with the new girl, it was great, had a nice dinner and just chatted i dont know how we can talk for ever but its great. She told me yesterday that she really likes me a lot and wants to see me exclusive and that she is the old fashion type, she does not like to causaly date several people....she told me that she was talking to a guy for a couple of months before we met that lived in British columbia and they have been pen pals and she never met him and she only had feelings for him as a firend, she told me that she felt that during that time he was kind of having feelings for her and she wanted to let me know about that and that she was sending him an e-mail telling him that she only likes him as a friend and that she is seeing me. I was touched that she did not have to tell me this, but she felt like she wanted too, we both agreed that that is what makes up a relationship honesty with each other, i guess it started b/c i told her about what i went trhough with my ex and she told me that I can tell her anything she will not get mad or jealous...so I am glad we felt realconfortable with each other....I dont know feel so happy with her, I have a *****en smile on my face everytime i see ehr and the next day....I just hope I dont get burned again you know, I am slowly lettting my guard down with her and it scares me a bit but on the same time it makes me happy...weird eh....any thoughts guys

 

I will post some more later, i have to take my mom to the doc right now

p/s

 

Kodiak---good to hear from you...i will right you a reply when i get back and UR the same thing to you as well

 

Take care guys

[Sukotto]

I presumed you agreed to be exclusive then? You only said she brought it up you never said your answer, though I'm guessing you said yes and then done the "I got a new girlfriend" dance. Keep working at it and keep us updated so we can give you any pointers. Remember a relationship ALWAYS requires maintenance so dont get complacent and good communication and honesty is a great start.

 

Other than that congradulations!!

 

Now you just need to wait for the ex to try and arrange to meet up and then you can say "Sorry, I'm doing something with X." Then she'll ask "Who is X?" and then you can say, thats my girlfriend and then do the "Screw you biatch" dance.

[Three of Swords]

Originally posted by kodiak

 

I would give anything just to see that face agin or hug her and hold her tight. Even if we were just friend i could hug her, but know that she moved that will NEVER happen and it hurts. I have no new number, no address, nothing. So what to I do. I know just move on but i cant. do you think i will ever hear from her again or was the last phone call the last.

 

Even if you were to see her again, you may not feel better. The feelings you still have for her could intensify beyhond bearing. And that would be much worse.

 

I get to see my unrequited love interest/obsession on a semi-regular basis. And am a mess for days afterwards. Sometimes I think that if he were to move away it would be easier on me - but who knows.

 

And as for hugging or holding her tight, I wonder if once you got that close would you ever want to let go. And she would surely sense that - and become uncomfortable and pull away.

 

And by the way - if you figure out how to move on, please share it with me. I too really need to know.

[Sukotto]

another girl is the easiest way to move on as long as you take it slowly.

 

My ex always asks me whats wrong after i give her a hug and say goodbye, I dont tell her its the fact that I dont know when i'll next see her, will it be a week or a month. But then she'll probably see me a needy and that would be worse. So i just say oh nothing and let go.

 

It is definately worse after I see her, I've not heard from her in 24 hours and its always the hardest part. Give it another few days and I'll be back to normal. Until then I have 3 seasons of Scrubs to watch.

[piper27]

I see mine quite a few times because he is an insensitive mountain gorilla and we work in the same firm. It's been a bit more than 2 months since we've broken up.

 

It doesn't bother me when we're in the cafeteria together, except when we were both there last week and he sat at the same table, right opposite me when he could've sat somewhere else. Then I felt rather disturbed, and quite sad that someone you could've been so close to, you just ignore. But he made it a bad breakup, I can't help it. He said before, I'm the only girl who ever loved him unconditionally, but obviously it wasn't enough for him.

 

I don't feel anything for him now. You know, a month after we broke up, I found out he was in a relationship with another girl. And every turn, he seems to flaunt it in my face - asking her to meet him after a colleague's wedding where we were facing each other for 4 hours (you would think he would have the decency to meet her elsewhere), putting up her picture on his friendster website with mushy captions such as "a midsummer's night dream from which we shall never wake", and now, in the cafeteria at the same time as me (he avoided it until about 6 weeks ago).

 

I know he still checks my blog every day. And he checks it after we've seen each other. And I make it a point NEVER to talk about him, and pretend nothing happened.

 

I guess how you get over it is... slowly. I opened myself to feeling happy that I had such great friends, and to having fun with them. I didn't do anything stupid that I would regret, like going on a rebound, or try to escape through drink etc. That would just make you hate yourself more.

 

I made an effort to be happy about the small things. And I have a clear conscience. I did try my best, and I was still committed to working things out. He wasn't capable of that - we had 3 arguments in 8 months, and each time he wanted to break up and said really mean things like he never ever really liked me. And even if I did wrong during the relationship - he said it wasn't giving him enough space, and losing my temper when he stood me up for dinner - I am not a perfect person, and I accept me as I am. No-one is perfect, and those who think they are - well do you notice how annoying they are? =)

 

Maybe the key is to forgive yourself for how you contributed to the break-up, and to make a conscious effort to be a better person and learn something from the relationship.

 

In my case, well, I had a better boost. I got the highest performance bonus in the firm, and he got less than me. This, after all the support I had to give him with his stress and whining about how much work he had and how his work was more important than mine. So all I think now is, EAT MY DUST.

 

Ultimately, he is with someone because he was too weak to go it alone, and he doesn't know that true happiness comes from within, and not from being with someone.

 

And everytime I see him, it gets easier, because I know in the end, I'm the stronger one, and I did things the hard way, and all that. =)

 

Anyway, my point is, it does get easier. It's been two months, and while sometimes I think about him and feel sad that it didn't work out, my life is so much better now without him around to screw my head up. You just gotta look at the positive things that came out of the breakup =).

 

Good luck all!