Why do we give so much importance to people we like but dont care??

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

So here's my little story, bear with me it might be a long one...

 

I met this girl at a party about 2 months ago, she was fresh out of a 6 year Relationship and CLEARLY wanted to party and have fun with, like, a lot of guys if you know what I mean...she felt like she was caged in her previous Relationship and wanted to explode.. While she was dancing with like 4 différents guys I just stood there and drank and enjoyed my time with other people, I noticed she was looking at me often and smiling and stuff.. at one point she came up to me and said "I'm just here to have fun", like she was afraid I'd judge or whatever, I was like "it's cool"

 

Then we went to a friend's place, drank some more, talked and that was it.. 2 days later I receive a text, she had asked for my number to a common friend and "wanted to get to know me" ... I had a HUGE RED ALERT alarm going off in my head ever since but I went with it anyway, she wanted to grab a coffee and then lunch... We had a great time and she said at first she wasdnt ready for something serious, but then after a few times together, she started saying that she was confused, she was having a good time with me, she was comfortable with me, she wanted to see me more and more, etc...

 

my life was fine and I knew I wanted something serious, and because she was confused, she confused me too, and I got attached, one night we had dinner at my place, drank, kissed and had sex, I realise now what a HUGE mistake that was.. during that period of time it was major confusion, I was not well at all even though I wanted to be with her, I was anxiously waiting for each text from her to see if she still missed me, if she had changed her mind cause I knew she was unstable, not cool at all.

 

At one point she said to me she wanted to remain friends cause she definitly wasnt ready, after pushing me left and right, but I had already developped strong feelings for her... so I was like ok give me some time I'll have to get over it, but thnigs went really bad when she kissed someone in front of me at another party, litterally 5 days later, after telling me she was thinking about me every day!

 

That did NOT sound like someone who cared what so ever so I felt like nothing at that very moment, like I had been a number, I was just the guy giving affection and attention because she didnt have any in her previous Relationship (her ex didnt care at all for her).

 

So I got pissed, and snapped at her, ever since that moment she had been distant, she had a jealous/manipulative ex and thought it was jealousy, she didnt understant that it was anger and I was hurt from feeling like I went from someone important in her life to NOTHING. We didnt even go out together that's the hardest part to digest, I was never even a part of her life..

 

We sorta talked it over on texts, I was trying to get closure but she was very very evasive, obviously pushing me aside, she vaguely said that we might see each other in the future but not now, I knew what that meant..

 

it's been 2 weeks of NC now and I broke it yesterday, the toughts were driving me crazy , I couldnt wrap my mind around the fact that she had the upper hand, that SHE's the one who sorta "dumped" me from that so-called Relationship that wasnt even one. Afte the good times we had, after the fact that I considered myself a good caring person to her, that I would have given her the moon, she rejected me in the end, I was secretly hoping that she will see that and come around... at least enough to keep me in her friend circle

 

I feel terrible, reduced to nothing, I truly had Fallen for that girl and that didnt happen to me often and I've been in a lot of relationships.. she was really special to me..

 

When I broke NC she was ultra distant, like half an hour between each text, etc .. I KNOW I have to break it off but I feel like I wanna clear the air about who I am and the wrong impressions she got of me.. I am the COMPLETE opposite of a jealous person I always trusted my Partner in a relationship.. I know it makes me look weak to break NC but I almost dont care at this point, I am helplessly waiting for texts from her thinking I might still be of some importance in her life, I feel miserable, pathetic, and I honestly doubt that I will find that feeling with another girl again... I keep thinking about her, I cant bring myself to be mad at her cause in some way she had warned me from the start..

 

Why do we do these things? what do we leave our happiness in the hands of one person and give them so much importance over our well-being? Why cant I bring myself to convince me that she isnt the one ?

 

Thanks and sorry about the novel

 

Any opinion/comment, feel free

[Philosoraptor]

Dude, you got attached to a girl you knew was rebounding. She's doing what she can to avoid the pain from ending her past relationship and you were simply a temporary bandaid. She's not going to heal until she spends some time alone and reestablishes who she is, and she'll do that once she gets all the crazy repressed feelings out of her system.

 

Trust your insticts next time, because you knew going into it what this was but you made the choice to ignore it and put your hope in to this girl who you knew was rebounding.

[radiodarcy]

I've been trying to figure that out myself. I too have been in those situations where the person aggressively pursues me and then just completely backs off - - for no reason as far as I can tell.

 

The latest (and what brought me back here to loveshack) was a guy I met online. He told me he was totally committed to getting to know me and how lucky he felt to have met me. We talked every day for three-four weeks straight. But we never met in person.

 

Each time I tried to set something up, he had to cancel. Then he I wouldn't hear from him for days. I couldn't bring myself to believe he would act this way on purpose - - he seemed to genuine when we first met.

 

I emailed him twice to tell him how much the silence upset me and he apologized and insisted he hadn't lost interest and there was no one else.

 

As of now I haven't heard form him since Friday. And I don't expect to, either. I've been in NC ever since this Saturday and have essesntially had to do for him what he couldn't do for himself; which is help him get rid of me.

 

It sucks to be slowly erased from the life of someone you thought cared for you as you cared of them. I guess all we can do is carry on and hope we find someone who won't take advantage of our trust.

 

But sometimes that's easier said than done. Especially when people seem to be so good at convinicing us to give it to them; only to take it an never look back.

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

Dude, you got attached to a girl you knew was rebounding. She's doing what she can to avoid the pain from ending her past relationship and you were simply a temporary bandaid. She's not going to heal until she spends some time alone and reestablishes who she is, and she'll do that once she gets all the crazy repressed feelings out of her system.

 

Trust your insticts next time, because you knew going into it what this was but you made the choice to ignore it and put your hope in to this girl who you knew was rebounding.

 

trust me the lesson is more than learned, but you gotta understand that she kept me in a grey area, she half-opened some doors, she told me all kinds of things letting me to believe that there WAS hope, she even told me she was about to break it off with another guy cause she didnt want just casual sex, than she changed her mind..

 

I assume my part in this, I should have never gotten further with her. But Why do people like that can't even take responsabilities for their actions ? We are talking about human beings with feelings, not toys or a piece of clothing you can throw away..

 

If I'm confused from a Relationship, I wont go and ask for someone's phone number to "get to know them", I wont keep them in a grey area just in case, is it so alien to still have respect for other people even though you're on a rebound ? how is that an excuse to not give a ***** about anybody's feelings?

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

I've been trying to figure that out myself. I too have been in those situations where the person aggressively pursues me and then just completely backs off - - for no reason as far as I can tell.

 

The latest (and what brought me back here to loveshack) was a guy I met online. He told me he was totally committed to getting to know me and how lucky he felt to have met me. We talked every day for three-four weeks straight. But we never met in person.

 

Each time I tried to set something up, he had to cancel. Then he I wouldn't hear from him for days. I couldn't bring myself to believe he would act this way on purpose - - he seemed to genuine when we first met.

 

I emailed him twice to tell him how much the silence upset me and he apologized and insisted he hadn't lost interest and there was no one else.

 

As of now I haven't heard form him since Friday. And I don't expect to, either. I've been in NC ever since this Saturday and have essesntially had to do for him what he couldn't do for himself; which is help him get rid of me.

 

It sucks to be slowly erased from the life of someone you thought cared for you as you cared of them. I guess all we can do is carry on and hope we find someone who won't take advantage of our trust.

 

But sometimes that's easier said than done. Especially when people seem to be so good at convinicing us to give it to them; only to take it an never look back.

 

I hear ya, it's so easy when you're not in the situation to say "dont mind him/her, he/she's not Worth it" .. but the feeling of emptiness, of realising that that person just discarded you like an old pair of shoes, that feeling hurts, and some people can just discard it, well I envy them, I can't, or at least I find comfort in knowing there's nothing I could have done different, and I move on

[radiodarcy]

Exactly. If people want to brand me for being overly sensitive for letting it get to me, they're more than welcome to do so. This is who I am and how I process things.

 

I would have left things the first time he went m.i.a. had he not come across as sincere as he did. But I honestly thought he was different.

 

*sigh* I'd like to say live and learn but as much as I try to be careful, I either lose out because I take chances too soon or I'm too cautious and don't trust enough.

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

Exactly. If people want to brand me for being overly sensitive for letting it get to me, they're more than welcome to do so. This is who I am and how I process things.

 

I would have left things the first time he went m.i.a. had he not come across as sincere as he did. But I honestly thought he was different.

 

*sigh* I'd like to say live and learn but as much as I try to be careful, I either lose out because I take chances too soon or I'm too cautious and don't trust enough.

 

Not to minimise your situation but time is a great healer (another cliché, yet so true) and since you havent met that person, there will be less to forget, give yourself a few days/weeks

 

If you overanalyze things it's perhaps because it wasnt meant to be.. thats what I tell myself, these things should flow, especially from the beginning

[radiodarcy]

Yeah I definitely agree. Had I actually met him I would have been much worse off. In hindsight there were red flags from day one when he start telling me all that stuff.

 

Also, this only went on for 8 weeks. And while he did make an impression on me, I'm pretty sure I'll be ok after a couple more weeks of NC.

 

Good luck with your recovery as well! Just coming here to talk about it is a start...

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

Dude, you got attached to a girl you knew was rebounding. She's doing what she can to avoid the pain from ending her past relationship and you were simply a temporary bandaid. She's not going to heal until she spends some time alone and reestablishes who she is, and she'll do that once she gets all the crazy repressed feelings out of her system.

 

Trust your insticts next time, because you knew going into it what this was but you made the choice to ignore it and put your hope in to this girl who you knew was rebounding.

 

little update here, well, you were right, I wanted to meet up with her to get closure on everything in the air, and I only wanted to remain friends, well we could talk over everything that happened, and I learned a couple of things:

 

her emotionnal life is clearly messed up, she has a heavy family history of abuse and mistrust, and she lies about everything, she says what people want to hear, so trust would be a major issue

 

she likes sex a little too much and could not be trusted, it is way too important in her life and she just cant get enough and enough different partners.. again, no trust to be had there

 

lastly, I learned that she fell for another dude who has a girlfriend for 2 years, and she told me that she never had any feelings for me, ouch, but for some reason I feel relief, maybe seeing how her life is truly a mess now, and that I'm better off without her, and the fact that the feeling of closure is 10 000 times better than just not knowing. I think she prefers to be treated like ***** for some obscured reason.. one of those gals:eek:

 

anyway I'm glad I met with her, turning the page for good now and erasing her from the book completely

 

thanks for the replies

[radiodarcy]

That's great to hear that you got the closure you needed. So few of us on here get that so I have to give her credit for being open enough with you to give you that.

 

It really does help when you get the confirmation from the dumper that it is them - - not you.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better. Hopefully this will make your recovery go much faster.

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

That's great to hear that you got the closure you needed. So few of us on here get that so I have to give her credit for being open enough with you to give you that.

 

It really does help when you get the confirmation from the dumper that it is them - - not you.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better. Hopefully this will make your recovery go much faster.

 

god damnit, I was kindda feeling good but also very very hurt that she would chose another guy but me, especiqally since he's an idiot cheating on his gf with her... seems so unfair, I keep thinking about what I could have done differently,. probably nothing...

 

I texted her the next day telling her that her life was a mess and we shouldnt be talking anymore but maybe I was a little harsh,

 

we have some common friends and I cant bring myself to let her go completely, even as a friend... I feel like I should have never texted her and now I regret it

 

Gah, I just want to get this out of my head so bad, she is the first person in 5 years that I really cared about and she didnt care back so I'm a complete emotionnal mess right now and my self-esteem took a serious hit...

 

I know I should go cold turkey but it's so hard..

Edited November 17, 2013 by GeorgesIsntAtHome

[radiodarcy]

If it makes you feel any better I am in the same boat

 

I finally heard back from him last night. He sent me this long email telling me how sorry he was about being quiet all this time. He told me he hasn't been seeing anyone and that he's been super busy with work. Flattered me telling me how pretty and interesting and amazing I am - - even though after six weeks we *still* haven't met :roll eyes:

 

I told him I understand but I'm still really concerned about the fact that we haven't met. He readily agreed and then suggested a date two weeks from now.. Umm - - not exactly what I had in mind. So I told him I was off Thursday and Friday of next week. His response "I would love to meet but I'm working days now"

 

Huh?

 

It was at that point that I realized nothing had changed. That he was still up to his old tricks and it was as everyone on here has been telling me he just wants to keep me on the back burner and as long as I make myself readily available he's going to keep pulling this manipulative BS.

 

Nevertheless, I made the mistake of texting him back and saying that I just didn't feel like I could trust him anymore and that I really needed him to step it up and prove to me he means what he says and no response. And I sent that text at 5 am EST this morning :/

 

Sooo it looks like I'm going to have to let this go. But I agree with you - - it's so hard to do that. Especially when it's really on us to end it and they were the ones who started it...

[whichwayisup]

You did nothing wrong, it's all her. Well, your mistake was ignoring your gut and that big red flag that screamed at you from day one. Live and learn, albeit painfully.

 

She has some serious issues which is why she is the way she is. But, that doesn't excuse her crappy behaviour towards you and how she's treated you.

 

Do yourself a huge favour, do some reflecting and ask yourself why you need and want her in your life? Even as a friend. What are you getting out of it? Weigh the pros and cons. Is she really worth all this heartache, drama and pain?

 

And Radio, dump that guy, he's not worth anymore of your time. Block him. He is playing cat and mouse with you. He probably has others on the side.

 

A man or woman who is interested will make lots of effort.

Edited November 17, 2013 by whichwayisup

[radiodarcy]

You did nothing wrong, it's all her. Well, your mistake was ignoring your gut and that big red flag that screamed at you from day one. Live and learn, albeit painfully.

 

She has some serious issues which is why she is the way she is. But, that doesn't excuse her crappy behaviour towards you and how she's treated you.

 

Do yourself a huge favour, do some reflecting and ask yourself why you need and want her in your life? Even as a friend. What are you getting out of it? Weigh the pros and cons. Is she really worth all this heartache, drama and pain?

 

And Radio, dump that guy, he's not worth anymore of your time. Block him. He is playing cat and mouse with you. He probably has others on the side.

 

A man or woman who is interested will make lots of effort.

 

Thanks Whichwayisup. I'm not even sure if this guy is who he says he is anymore. He says he's a medical resident and that he works long hours; yet he also said he's at home most of the day. Then when I googled his cell number it came up as a landline in a town that's over an hour away.

 

So who knows what kind of games this guy is playing. Fraud or not, he's cost me too much hurt and confusion and I simply can't put myself through it anymore.

 

And George, you too deserve better. Chances are if you try to be her friend, she'll just use you as an emotional crutch to run to when things go bad. And then blank on you when things are going good.

 

I should know I've been in that type of relationship as well. Trust me, it never ends in our favor...

[xUnknown]

You did nothing wrong, it's all her. Well, your mistake was ignoring your gut and that big red flag that screamed at you from day one. Live and learn, albeit painfully.

 

She has some serious issues which is why she is the way she is. But, that doesn't excuse her crappy behaviour towards you and how she's treated you.

 

Do yourself a huge favour, do some reflecting and ask yourself why you need and want her in your life? Even as a friend. What are you getting out of it? Weigh the pros and cons. Is she really worth all this heartache, drama and pain?

 

And Radio, dump that guy, he's not worth anymore of your time. Block him. He is playing cat and mouse with you. He probably has others on the side.

 

A man or woman who is interested will make lots of effort.

 

I'll be doing this tonight. Thank you.

[GeorgesIsntAtHome]

Why does it feel like you need that person so bad in your life and her opinion is the only thing that matters?

 

even though your brain keeps telling you that she has flaws, the heart keeps pushing you towards her

 

cant wait to get over these ugly and overwhelming feelings