MassiveAtom Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 Damn! She left! I can't say I'm sad. I can't say I'm happy. All I know is that I'm alone now. The kids are gone, the dog is gone. All the furniture is gone. My family is gone. I'm not sad. I'm not happy. I don't know what I feel. I think I'm in shock. It hasn't sunk in. There's no phone. It's very quiet. I don't have internet access at home anymore. She left the place a mess. there was trash everywhere. I think it's a sign of disrespect. I don't know what's going on. Has anyone every felt this numb/dead sensation? Am I not able to feel now? What is this part of the process, any ideas? as always MA Link to post Share on other sites
jangle04 Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 Well it's been three weeks since mine moved out but I still have the kids to keep me company. Yes it is a shock and I cried like hell that day. I have just slowly tried to put my house back in order the way I want it and make it into a bachelor pad. It'll get easier as the days go on. She called me this morning crying her man dumped her because his wife came back. She seems more torn up over that than losing me. Life goes on though. You'll always have the LS. Originally posted by MassiveAtom Damn! She left! I can't say I'm sad. I can't say I'm happy. All I know is that I'm alone now. The kids are gone, the dog is gone. All the furniture is gone. My family is gone. I'm not sad. I'm not happy. I don't know what I feel. I think I'm in shock. It hasn't sunk in. There's no phone. It's very quiet. I don't have internet access at home anymore. She left the place a mess. there was trash everywhere. I think it's a sign of disrespect. I don't know what's going on. Has anyone every felt this numb/dead sensation? Am I not able to feel now? What is this part of the process, any ideas? as always MA Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 I think that it is natural to be numb at first, then I bet the sadness will set in, then lonliness, then relief....(at least that's what happened after my 2 year relationship ended). I don't remember your story so I can't comment if you're better off or not...all I can say is "hang in there" I'm sure it's bound to get better and you'll start feeling the loss soon I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Dakini Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 The quietness. Thats what always got me. Still does. You come home almost half expecting a "hello" as you enter. Nothing. Silence. It's deafening. I feel your pain; I'm right there with you, MA. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 I'm sorry mA....it seems life is so full of moments of bittersweet.....I think it's just going to take time to get used to the idea....I hope you have more sweet times in the future! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 I went back to an old post. My question. As I work to accept, understand, forgive, and be compassionate and kind to her in her most diffcult times, I have to figure out, outside of therapy, how do you get through the hours after your mate and partner leaves. I expect a deafening silence, a roomfull of dimmed sunshine, with every fleck of dust reminding me that my life, as I wanted it, is over. I fear the sadness that will fill that shell of an empty home, and the grief that I must enter and own to get through the pain that's imminent. It didn't happen. It IS quiet, I saw the flecks of dust in the sunbeams, but the sadness did not fall. This is new. New is good. still MA Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Have you thought about doing some serious MAN-NESTING? Put up some posters sans frames. Install that 8-point buck trophy right on the wall in the living room!!! You know, all the man decorating that would have been off-limits before. Take your freedom out for a walk and excercise it. Get the dog you really wanted to get when she picked out the last one. Get down to the pawn shop and buy yourself an electric guitar with an amp the size of your car. Oh, and PS......start ripping out any and all flowery wall-paper. Then you can paint in ANY COLOR YOU WANT. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 ...start ripping out any and all flowery wall-paper. Then you can paint in ANY COLOR YOU WANT... ...assuming that it wasn't your choice to put it up in the first place. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by johan ...assuming that it wasn't your choice to put it up in the first place. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Ooops! How politically incorrect of me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 Have you thought about doing some serious MAN-NESTING? Put up some posters sans frames. Install that 8-point buck trophy right on the wall in the living room!!! You know, all the man decorating that would have been off-limits before. Take your freedom out for a walk and excercise it. Get the dog you really wanted to get when she picked out the last one. Get down to the pawn shop and buy yourself an electric guitar with an amp the size of your car. Oh, and PS......start ripping out any and all flowery wall-paper. Then you can paint in ANY COLOR YOU WANT. Dixie was the dog I wanted. I'm a total dog person, and picking out a puppy is almost a spiritual thing with me.I looked deep into her eyes when we met and I knew she was the right puppy. I already own an acoustic, but even though I already wanted to play, I bought it because my ex loved to hear it, and then I bought her one. Which I kept btw.. There is only ONE pink room, the others we mutually agreed on the colors. I don't have the inclination to paint it just yet. It'll take some time for me now. I think I won't be the greatest dad when I see my girls. I kinda think they'll hate being around me because I'm so blah right now.I don't want to cause them any unecessary pain, but I think I just need to be alone for a while. It's getting worse. I'm sinking deeper. It's only a matter of time now until I start working my way out. But I have to get all the way inside this monster first. Thanks for the ideas LadyJane. Just knowing someone is out there listening , and wanting to help, makes this transition almost bearable. I think the most important thing right now is that I keep my perspective, and outlook positive. I'm starting to hear those ghosts now. 3 days and counting. as always, mA Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 I've not been quite where you are at MA, but can sorta sympathize. When my wife's online emotional affair was found out, he bought her plane tickets to fly to where he lives (they'd never met!!!), and she packed up and moved into a motel for four days before she was supposed to get on the plane that Friday. I remember not being able to go into our bedroom at all...because of some of the things she'd told me, and because it was just too painful to try to sleep there. The den wasn't much better...its where her computer was at, and where she spent all her time online with him. I ended up sleeping on the couch in the living room...and wandering around the house while the kids were in school, because I couldn't figure out what to do with myself. Then, I took apart her computer, and her computer hutch. I boxed up all her junk from the hutch and put it into the storage room. I began journaling all of my feeling and thoughts. Funny to look at it now and see how I could go from one extreme feeling to another in just the span of an hour. My daughter went into our bedroom and packed up all of my wife's things that she didn't take, without my asking her to do so. She knew I couldn't go in there, and thought it would help me if her stuff wasn't all over the room. (My kids are older teens...they all found out about their mom's affair the same day I did). I took LONG walks out of the house...6-10 miles typically. In my case, things worked out differently than yours. My wife ended up NOT getting on the plane (long story...check my post out on the "Infidelity" section if you like), and we ended up doing an in-house seperation until things began to heal between us. I agree with LadyJane though...it may be that your house has too many memories tied up in it. So remake it from being your family's house into YOUR house. Decorate the way you want...get furniture etc... in there that suit YOUR tastes. Start working on being YOU, and not "the husband", or "the dad". Its what I would have had to eventually have done myself. Link to post Share on other sites
randymac Posted December 22, 2004 Share Posted December 22, 2004 I know exactly how you feel. I don't think I hate her , I don't know if I like her , yet I do believe that I still love her. Very NUMB!!! Still after almost 9 months. Exactly as you said Not sad , Not happy, just kind of here. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
douglovin Posted December 22, 2004 Share Posted December 22, 2004 The most important thing for you right now is your family. Do not sit around and sulk. Get up, clean your house, try to contact her. First, ask her how the kids are. If you are able to, agree with all she says and admit to all your mistakes. Even if you have to lie, make her think you are happy and enjoying life, but try to include your kids in your activities. The sooner you agree with her and give her Nothing to argue about, the sooner you can become friends again. The sooner you show her that you are not a dead beat loser and that you know how to enjoy life, the quicker she will want to enjoy it with you. I feel for you because I went through your same issues. Even if it is not your fault, do what you can do make it your fault and make HER happy. If she is happy, you will be. Happiness is key here. Do not show her that you are depressed. Hope That helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted December 22, 2004 Author Share Posted December 22, 2004 Originally posted by douglovin The most important thing for you right now is your family. Do not sit around and sulk. Get up, clean your house, try to contact her. First, ask her how the kids are. If you are able to, agree with all she says and admit to all your mistakes. Even if you have to lie, make her think you are happy and enjoying life, but try to include your kids in your activities. The sooner you agree with her and give her Nothing to argue about, the sooner you can become friends again. The sooner you show her that you are not a dead beat loser and that you know how to enjoy life, the quicker she will want to enjoy it with you. I feel for you because I went through your same issues. Even if it is not your fault, do what you can do make it your fault and make HER happy. If she is happy, you will be. Happiness is key here. Do not show her that you are depressed. Hope That helps. Sorry, Doug. While I appreciate your input, I think you're making the assumption that I want her back in my life. That assumption would be mistaken. My ex is simply not capable of being in a relationship with me. Further, she isn't worthy of me. She falls way beyond the pale of inadequacy.. I'm not lamenting the loss of her person, spirit, attitude, or love. None of those things were consistently available in our marriage, anyway. Worse,, The fact that I WAS enjoying life and would support her in her endeavors toward happiness, wound up biting me in the a$$! She didn't believe I was sincere. *???* Looking back on this relationship, One thing is VERY clear. Kindness eventually translated into weakness. The only way I can explain that to myself is that there something severely wrong with her. Yes, I had a role in the irretrievable breakdown of our marriage, but I will only accept a supporting role. There is nothing I want to say to her, and nothing I want to hear her say. I don't care if she's happy, and I certainly CAN'T MAKE her happy, I don't care if she's sad. I don't want to enjoy my life with her. I don't want to be her friend, I want nothing to do with her, but unfortunately that can't happen.. I'm not depressed, I just have a way of writing that may make it seem so. But I'll tell you, I'm actully having a pretty good time being ME! I know I have some emotions that I'll have to change or accept. That's what I have to "go into" not some crying fit that shows a deep lack of self control. Lastly, while your comments might be well received by women, and seem like an epiphany of sorts to you, may work well in your relationship (for now), and are supported by every relationship book out there, that approach has done nothing for the 52% divorce rate in this country. It is actulally quite damaging to the psyches and self-esteem of both people in the relationship. It forces you to take responsibility of someone else's emotions, which when you really think about it, is impossible. I think it's better to be honest, up front,and disagree when you disagree -without being disagreeable. You might find http://www.coping.org very interesting. I just picked one that went bad. as always, MA Link to post Share on other sites
douglovin Posted December 22, 2004 Share Posted December 22, 2004 ahh sorry. Well the feelings you are feeling is most likely your fear of what your kids will go through, which you might not realize yet, which is why you are numb. no matter what you do, id keep in great contact with your kids, and let them know it is not their fault. like your ex wife or not, you need to learn to communicate around your kids and be civil with her. just for the kids sake. I honestly love the ideas of the book i read JUST to get things going again. Once I can just get the ball rolling then the rest I can do myself. But getting past the breaking point is damn near impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
k.j Posted December 25, 2004 Share Posted December 25, 2004 You have stated that you are worried about your kids well being, In that case you have to take thta time with them and love them more then ever before, You should take them out have fun listen to there laughs, listen to there stories, talk to them on how they are doing, Keep your ex out of it. I know what it is like, I can not stand to be in the same room with my ex I can not even handle a conversation with him, however my daughter lives with him so I have to have contact with him sometimes. When I have my daughter I have learned thta it is more comfortable for them not to have to talk about there dad unless they bring up a subject. The wuietness will end soon cuz you will think about your time with them and soon hear yourself laugh again. That is really good that you are enjoying being you again, Your kids will love it also moe to see you happy, they will notice the change. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
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