What's wrong with me? I am lacking in social skills and don't know what to do!

[Starry_Night]

I am in my early 20's and I am sad to say that I am lacking in social skills. I have been sheltered my whole life and have not had a lot of friends. I went to a normal public school and when I was younger I had just one close friend.

 

We moved to another town and quite honestly I never really made friends. I was close to one of our neighbors but we grew apart and then I had one other best friend that I met at a place where we both were attending (a dance) and we became instant best friends. That friendship lasted for about 4 years until we both got into serious relationships, she moved to one state and I lost contact with her.

 

We ended up getting back into contact a couple more times but each time we stopped hanging out. The past time it was my fault because I entered into a relationship and he did not want me talking to my friend so I stopped to end conflict plus I had to make all the contact she never bothered calling me or coming by or anything.

 

 

I guess my problem and question is how do I go about gaining more social skills? Why am I too nervous to talk to guys or even make friends with other girls?

 

I think I must be the only one like this and it really saddens me. Anybody have a clue what could be wrong with me?

[Starry_Night]

Is this not an acceptable topic? I am apologizing if this forum is only for relationships and seeking advice on this subject is not normal.

[Barby]

Hi. I don't think there is anything in particular that you have to post about. Maybe people just don't know what to say.

 

 

 

 

In my case I try not to let my shyness get in the way of making friends, ect. I'm not real out going but I am not super shy either. I have only had a few "close" friends but I know it must be hard being a "loner" of sorts...

 

 

My only advice to you would be to go out to social clubs or somewhere where you can meet new people and just talk to people. You don't really have anything to lose by doing that. Goodluck!

[savethedrama4allama]

Hey there,

 

This stuck out to me:

 

"We ended up getting back into contact a couple more times but each time we stopped hanging out. The past time it was my fault because I entered into a relationship and he did not want me talking to my friend so I stopped to end conflict plus I had to make all the contact she never bothered calling me or coming by or anything."

 

The fact that you'd let your boyfriend tell you not to keep in contact with your one friend says that you probably lack a great deal of self-esteem. I hope that you are not in a relationship with him any longer, because he should be happy for you for having friends. Perhaps potential friends pick up on this lack of self-esteem?

 

We are a friendly bunch of folks, lots of friendships have been made here. Start here, behind the comfort of your computer screen. Chime in on threads and give advice. Let people get to know you. I think its a fine place to polish social skills.

 

If you need a friend to talk to, just look for the llama Contrary to what you've heard- I don't spit.

[Naive]

Do you know why you might be so shy? Are you shy to start up a conversation or are you shy to maintain a friendship?

[Starry_Night]

I want to thank you for responding to my thread. Yes I do in fact have very low self esteem. I dated a lot before but I always ended up being used or being dumped after being intimate with the person. I know that part of this came from being young and not having a male influence in my life. I looked for that father figure in the older men I dated. They weren't a lot older but they were always in their 20's and myself, in my teens.

 

 

This relationship I spoke about did end awhile ago because we fought too much and I would rather be alone than to be in a place where I was no longer happy. He seemed very insecure with me having friends, he thought since she cheated on her boyfriend on numerous occasions with my ex boyfriend's friends that I would do the same if I continued to hang out with her.

 

Thank you for inviting me to chime in. I have been a reader off and on on this board but have never posted or responded to anyone.

 

 

I am shy because I have something called a social phobia I'm not sure of the exact details but I was diagnosed back in 1998 and at the time there was no medicine to help me. I now would rather try and work on myself than try to take medicine to make everything all better. I have more of a problem trying to start conversations with new people than maintaining relationships. Once i know someone pretty well I always become myself and open up with no problem. It is just a matter getting up the nerve to actually talk to someone.

 

 

Thank you very very much for listening to me and trying to help me. I really appreciate it.

[savethedrama4allama]

I am really looking forward to hearing from you, starry

[Starry_Night]

Thank you. I will be responding to posts soon.

[tokyo]

Maybe you should try some group therapy. They can be more helpful than taking meds. I don´t really think that social phobia is something that needs medications, but then again I´m not a doctor. Anyhow, I think your problem why you have developed this phobia at all is your fear to fail in social events. You´re under so much pressure that you simply try to avoid those situations. And as you never practice you don´t acquire those skills. So this is a reinforcing process. But as these are only skills, they can be learned and that´s why I say a group therapy might help you. I´ve heard of studies that proved that children who had bad social skills were able to learn those in role-plays. It´s all about practicing. And you must realize that the other person also often is a bit shy and doesn´t know how to start the contact. You´re absolutely not alone with this problem.

[Starry_Night]

Thank you. I think group therapy although it sounds very scary could be of some major benefit to me. There are some in my area that I know of for sure I had researched this before but ended up thinking this was something I could handle on my own. Reaching out to people feels so hard but I know once I do it I end up feeling so much better. I guess coming here was the first step, and maybe contacting one of those groups will be the next step?

[Swoup]

Theres no need to be afraid of talking. Public transport is useful. Just go up to people and strike up a conversation. Give them the impression that you are only doing it because you are bored. And not one of those conversations full of small talk that die off every few sentences. Really get people talking. Scope them out, and try to get them talking about an interest or one of yours. Pump them for information.

 

The worst thing that could happen is that they'll think your weird. Sure you'll kick yourself because you got rejected. But the world is so vast you'll never have to deal with that person again. Theres an infinite pool of people out there to develop your social skills upon.

[kara]

Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

Perhaps potential friends pick up on this lack of self-esteem?

 

What a point!!! I am so looking forward to hearing on WHY potential friends would pick up on lack of self-esteem and go the other way. I also had a very hard time understanding what was happening when people just steered clear from me especially on one occasion i remember vividly, it was almost like I stank or I had a big sign saying "contagious" on me when I didn't (I checked all that in the mirror and refreshed my deodorant), I just couldn't figure it out, still can't. These were the times when I tried to join a social club and the likes, now the pain of being rejected is too much and I spend most of my time in front of the tv and the only person I see for days and weeks is my husband, well and the people at the cashier when I buy things (even they look away), noone else. I have gained about 12 pounds in the last 4 weeks which is a bit alarming, which is why I am trying to be trying... How do you deal with the pain? It's easy to say "join a club" etc. Can people in this forum give me feedback on what kind of person I come across like? Coz' I seriously think there must be something I don't see about myself, that everyone else sees and turns away immediately... Whoa, sorry if I rambled...

kara

[Matilda]

Generally, when people have problems socially it's because (a) they don't talk at all, or (b) they talk too much.

 

If you don't talk much, and don't respond to people, they think that you don't like them, or are stuck-up, or are so lacking in self-esteem you don't think yourself worthy of responding. People don't like to have to do all the work in a conversation, there should be some giving and taking.

 

Conversely, people who dominate a converstation are also difficult. When people talk non-stop, it seems to others that the talker has no interest in the listener. Also, if you tend to talk about just a few subjects that you find highly interesting, but your listener does not, then this is also difficult to deal with. Although, you may find talking about military history endlessly fascinating, I would say the majority of other people would be interested in it only briefly, or not at all.

 

Can people in this forum give me feedback on what kind of person I come across like?

 

Not being able to meet you in person, it would be impossible for anyone on this forum to say. Is there anyone that you know personally that you would feel comfortable asking this question?

[Maxxus]

What really helped my develop my social skills growing up was my best friend. Neither of us had any social skills and people avoided us like the plage. We started hanging out alot since we were the only ones who could stand each other. And just by communicating with each other we started learning what worked and what didn't. By our later years in high school we atleast had a couple more friends. Now that we're in college we're both mildly popular. Based on my experiences having someone who is at your social level to practice on really helps because you dont mind messing up because they mess up too. Also people react to how you talk and how you form your sentences. If you make alot of pauses every few words and between sentences, it makes it really hard to follow what you are saying. If you only use really small words for everything, it also henders communtication. Another thing that is really bad is if you start talking about some trivial thing as if its the most interesting thing in the world, i.e. the weather. If you cant find someone in your same situation, you can practice in a mirror. Just look at yourself in the eyes, eye contact when talking is very important, and start talking. It doesn't matter about what so long as you dont stop. I know you may feel a little silly but if you go into the bathroom and close the door, whos going to see you?

[kara]

thanks matilda and thanks maxxus, really sweet advice. my problem is sort of intensified coz I moved to a new country 2 months ago and know literally noone, and miss my family quite a lot. my husband is really suportive. i guess i need to bite the bullet and go out there and start again. Very scared to get very hurt again though...

[social retard.]

i realy feel for you, i am also in the same hole. i find it hard to not only strike up conversation and carry one on, but to get to know people, even with my best friends that iv known for god knows how many years i find it hard to talk to. it realy saddens me almost everytime im around them i will sit there thinking why am i not getting involved? and when i do try it eigher makes no real sence or dies very quikly, unless i have a few to drink then i become almost normal im happy outgoing good to talk to, i will flow with coversation. for awhile now iv thought to myself why is this? i know firstly i have very low selfsteam. unfortunatly i was introduced to cannabis, which for some people is fine, i loved it when i started but iv realised i became dependant on the stuff and did it to try and escape reality, since iv tryed quiting a few times and have now recently stoped for good! its hurts me to think that all that time iv used it to try and escape has just made me worse it has stopped me from being able to communicate properly and remember things, which is a MUST have in friendship to be a friend you must know a person and what their intrests are.This is my main problem. im am seeking help and have told my friends that i need help. but they already know and have told me before. also, while i do have a dad and have lived with him all my life, iv never realy known him when i was young i would beg him to take me to play football and things, but that was not his sort of thing. he is realy into computers and allways has been so much so that i believe my parents split up because he spent so much time hiden away on the pc that they never spent time with each other and lost intrest. iv lacked a father figure, something that a little boy realy needs is a strong father figure to look upto, unforunatly i think i am becoming like my dad, and am trying to help myself change but it is hard when nothing i do will make me happy, being scared of not being liked is a huge problem, so what if no know one likes me as long as i like my self is that all should matter, but nothing is ever that easy. goodluckxxx

[RayJ16]

I also have the same problem, I cant even date or have fun with others because i dont know what to say or i think someone is going to hurt me. the only help i can get is from here.

[kara]

Hey there,

 

SR, congratulations on telling your friends you seek help. Seems to me opening up might be the key to interacting with people. For me it's the whole fear of being rejected, which happens often enough, I don' know whether alcohol sooths that fear and makes you feel ok, it doesn't work for me though. I always hated alcohol, my dad is an alcoholic and I never let myself go, especially when I am drunk. Have you tried heavy physical activity? I am thinking if I can get used to the pain by pushing my body to the limits, my mind might follow. I hope I can get the motivation to start doing this soon. I will trun into a mimosa plant otherwise, and a very fat one.

I know what you mean Ray J, I also think the only place I can go is this site, but then again I am ashamed and go on it secretly.

 

Starry night, did you join group therapy?