secondfailure Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Been separated for 3 months now. Wife calls and says she got a call from the IRS. I didnt answer the phone. It was a voicemail. I text her back and said IRS does not call you. They send letters. Thens she asked has she received any mail at the house. I said no. She says I see you dont want to have anything to do with me. Damn!!!! I fell for it. NC has been in effect. I said its not that I cant continue to get run over by your bus. Then I said obviosuly you must have someone else because you wont talk to me. She says yes I have a friend. I wanted to jump out of the 11th floor I am on at work (I am kidding). Why am I mad when I talk on the phone to people. I have to be honest. I amm not intested in them. I just hate beoing lonely. But she seems so happy. I know I shoul dnot worry about her. I Iahve begged and cried for far too long. I think I am really mad at myself for breaking no contact. I just want to get through this day and keep moving forwward. Love sucks.. I think she makes hese calls every few weeks to se what I am doing and I fall for it. Lesson learned. If she is not calling about the divorce proceedings I have no reason to talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
dienstag Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 You seem still so jumpy about your ex. Cut it out and let it go man! I personally dont get the concept of NC, it is imposible for example when kids r invovled. I have regular contacts with my x due to children and could not have cared less what that pathetic sick looser is up to Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted November 12, 2013 Author Share Posted November 12, 2013 The thing is I dont bother her. She calls me and I just forget all common sense. But I know this is a process. She toild me she coul dnever love me the way a wife should so its not like I dont know... Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 The thing is I dont bother her. She calls me and I just forget all common sense. But I know this is a process. She toild me she coul dnever love me the way a wife should so its not like I dont know... Sounds like she is just keeping you hanging there just enough to keep you in her grasp... Selfish behaviour, she doesn't want you but doesn't want you to move forward either... Try to remember this next time she contacts you for a little play:mad: SS x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yorkie Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 i feel your pain so badly that is like me i managed 1 week of no contact then she messed with my head now she wont talk to me im starting NC or LC AGAIN ffs lol i just cant let go either but we must take each day as it comes mateif you need to talk you can pm me we can do this together Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 The thing is I dont bother her. She calls me and I just forget all common sense. So quit picking up the phone!!! I remember that being a lot easier said then done, and many people telling me the same thing when i was in your situation. Do it for your sanity, if she has something to say, let her leave a message and you can reply via text or email where you have total control of what you put out to her, and she has no way to bait you. Take away the response shes looking for and she will stop playing. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I changed the ring tone on my phone during those tough days to "Dog Bark.". It is a really annoying ring tone - and really makes you pause and think - just like you are confronting a couple pit-bulls. That ring tone really stopped me from picking up, and during the times we needed to talk - the ring tone put me "ON GUARD" big time (business only). Just an idea. Yas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 I am so consumed by guilt. I didnt cheat or anything. We argued a lot about her kids and she lets me know that I told her to get out. I did and I regret it every single day.... And she hits me over the head with it and I let her... I feel so lost and helpless at times.. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 (edited) Forget guilt - it is a useless thought in you head. Stop all pursuit and get back to NC. That is all you can do. Read the Different NC writings, 2 are in link below (TaraMaiden's and a little lower on the page - a link to Calguy's). There is another one in the top of the LS Coping section. It is all you can do. You might like Homer - some do, some don't - link below also. Get that Dog Bark ring tone so u don't get surprised again. No text/phone BS. Here is why. When you said that thing about "not wanting to get run over by her bus again," that sounds like POOR ME, have pity on me. Don't project that crap. That gives her power and confidence to do whatever her little heart desires cause she knows you'll take her back in a heartbeat. Did it help your psyche to find out she had a friend? So - stop talking to her, and get a friend yourself. This is exactly why you feel like crap. Now go read those NC assignments and perhaps some Homer. Take no calls. Her calls are only meant to check up on her back-up plan. File as Plantiff - mention desertion and adultery in pleadings if possible. That will wake her up real fast. Doesn't mean you have to go thru with it. But you need to issue some consequences. Action not words. Yas Edited November 13, 2013 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 Wow. Thank you for that.. You are right. I try not to feel sorry for myself. I know the mistakes I made and I just want to learn from them and move on. There was no disertion. we agreed to the separation. I just feel lik eGod wil punish me if I date while I am married. I feel like he is punishing me enough. I have gone out with someone but my heart and mind was not there. Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 (edited) Don't buy that she is that happy. That is a ploy to keep you all upset and depressed. Go NC and forget about what she is doing. Work on yourself and rebuilding your life. That is how you will find happiness again. You don't need to date to feel better about yourself - you need to stay true to yourself. God is not punishing you, He is teaching you. Open you heart to what He is saying to you. He wants you to love yourself and be happy. I like the Dog Bark ring tone, then you know not to answer. She can leave a message. Edited November 13, 2013 by littlejaz 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Unfortunately, sometimes you can't hold on to a strict NC in certain situations i.e. when there are kids involved or taking care of the remaining debt, division of property and other business. If she was calling you about the IRS calling her, well....that's something you can't ignore because it could affect you too if they're talking about an audit. However, as soon as business is concluded. That's it. Back to NC. Your continued banter is what got you hurt. So, chalk it up to lessons learned. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) Wow. Thank you for that.. You are right. I try not to feel sorry for myself. I know the mistakes I made and I just want to learn from them and move on. There was no disertion. we agreed to the separation. I just feel lik eGod wil punish me if I date while I am married. I feel like he is punishing me enough. I have gone out with someone but my heart and mind was not there. "Dating" doesn't mean you have to have sex with people. As per Homer, get out, enjoy other women, that's what Jesus did. Women were always taking good care of Jesus, bathing his tired feet, applying perfumed oils to his hair. Simply being around the other sex can make you happy. Try it and find out. Here is what you need in your head: Women are nice. I like to talk to all sorts of women. Women are interesting. I want to meet as many woman as I can. I want to be surrounded by all kinds of women. Young, old, fat, medium, thin, educated, uneducated, employed, unemployed, black, white, purple, Methodist, Muslum, whatever woman crosses your path - smile, and say, "how are you today?" Simply enjoy women for what they are, God's gift to man. There is no law against that. There are plenty more examples in the Bible of how Jesus enjoyed the company of women. Chew on that. Yas Edited November 15, 2013 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted November 15, 2013 Author Share Posted November 15, 2013 Thank you for the advice. My support group frowns upon dating. THe say until you are completely whole as well as divorced you should not do it. I understand what they are saying but its like they want you to love like a hermit.. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 Thank you for the advice. My support group frowns upon dating. THe say until you are completely whole as well as divorced you should not do it. I understand what they are saying but its like they want you to love like a hermit.. Forget the word "dating." call it "being with people." that doesn't mean you are looking to have sex with them. Isolation will kill your spirit. Get out and enjoy the company of PEOPLE - men, and especially WOMEN. And screw this group. Let the "frown" at each other. If you wanna come out of this, you had better turn that frown up-side-down and start being happy - and start smiling. Go to a different divorce group - preferable connected to a church - a different church than you are accustomed to. Try Methodist - they didn't seem to push any rules or opinions or "frowns" when I attended. I could be my wild and crazy self, and I was accepted. I mean, use your common sense - I am a recluse myself. I can tell you that you miss a good deal of life by isolating yourself. Eventually - you become alone - with no friends, and sadly, you like it that way. It is very hard to work your way out of isolation - I know this very well. I'm not good at taking my own advice. But I'm trying. Get out around people, or you'll have trouble getting out later. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 I agree. You shouldn't be a hermit. You can go out and have a good time. Hell, it will probably help you heal faster. But, you need to go out with the mindset that, you're just going out to have fun with no expectations and no strings attached. Once you do that, you should be able to relax and enjoy yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted November 15, 2013 Author Share Posted November 15, 2013 Thank you for your insight. I guess I am so down right now I just want to stop beig so confused Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 Take a class or join a hiking group... Stay busy and productive. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 Thank you for your insight. I guess I am so down right now I just want to stop beig so confused Make a list of what the facts are, period. When your mind starts with the "what ifs" - then refer to fact sheet. You got to keep the facts in your head - and live in, and accept current circumstances as is. No mind-reading (what does this mean? What does that mean?). The later I have a big problem with myself. If you can stick to what the facts are - you will not be confused. Confusion leads to poor judgment - so try to keep your mind clear - even if the facts hurt. It is better than kidding yourself. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted November 23, 2013 Share Posted November 23, 2013 Don't buy that she is that happy. That is a ploy to keep you all upset and depressed. Go NC and forget about what she is doing. Work on yourself and rebuilding your life. That is how you will find happiness again. You don't need to date to feel better about yourself - you need to stay true to yourself. God is not punishing you, He is teaching you. Open you heart to what He is saying to you. He wants you to love yourself and be happy. I like the Dog Bark ring tone, then you know not to answer. She can leave a message. Gonna get the Dog Bark App!!! Thanks REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
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