Leaving Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Is it OK for someone to date while going thru divorce even if the marriage have no hope of being saved or should a person wait until the divorce is finalize? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Conventional LS wisdom seems to indicate 'no' to dating a separated or divorcing person. Of course every circumstance is different. As an anecdote in support of such associations, my exW had a new man living with her within a couple of months of my finishing the house she would get in the divorce, many months before the divorce was final, and they remain together 3+ years later. YMMV Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Date your heart away. You're just "separated" as opposed to "divorced." No rule that you can't date until your officially divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Answers may vary. You have to determine how you feel about it ethically / morally. You also need to understand that some people don't want to date someone who is still going through a divorce. I am one of them. I tried dating a guy while his divorce was pending. I feel like I got dragged through all the BS. I felt awkward that the court was looking at me to determine if I could be around his kid / was a good influence / did the EX wife have grounds to be concerned. It really soured me on the whole process. After that I swore I would never date somebody until their divorce was finalized. Fortunately for me, I met my now husband so it became a non issue. Link to post Share on other sites
AZtragedy Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I suppose it is a personal choice, but there are factors to consider: - has the marriage been "over" for awhile? - are you over your spouse? - are you trying to get "even", if there was an affair? - are you trying to substitute someone else for your spouse? - are you being true to yourself and who you are as in individual, so as not to put your new date at an emotional disadvantage? I know for me personally, I am not going to actively date anyone until the divorce is finalized. That being said, if by some chance I happened to meet an amazing woman who I could not help but get interested in, I would seriously reconsider my position. But, there is a lot to be said for trying to heal as much as you can before jumping right in to something..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I suppose it is a personal choice, but there are factors to consider: - has the marriage been "over" for awhile? - are you over your spouse? - are you trying to get "even", if there was an affair? - are you trying to substitute someone else for your spouse? - are you being true to yourself and who you are as in individual, so as not to put your new date at an emotional disadvantage? I know for me personally, I am not going to actively date anyone until the divorce is finalized. That being said, if by some chance I hayppened to meet an amazing woman who I could not help but get interested in, I would seriously reconsider my position. But, there is a lot to be said for trying to heal as much as you can before jumping right in to something..... Agreed 100% Link to post Share on other sites
Monodare1 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I guess it depends, I know I'm not ready for a full blown relationship, but, that said, who knows what the ex is getting up to, are they going to take the moral high ground? Personally, I won't go as far as a full blown, but I'm possibly not adverse to dipping my toe in the water in the casual sense as a confidence booster. Link to post Share on other sites
dienstag Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 For me the answer is simple - absolutely YES. As for moral grounds etc. - i was honest to him and myself all 12 years, which can not be said about him. I have no intentions of wasting any more time on this man or this marriage, actual divorce is just a formality Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I did and quite frankly now realize its a mistake...You should wait until its fully over... And another thing...and this is important... Once you start dating, try to do it on the "down low" as possible..Its only a considerate thing to do, if the other party didnt want the divorce....You see people putting their new bf/gf on FB right after the divorce...Its a low class thing to do..There is no need to rub that in the otehr persons face.. TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 I suppose it is a personal choice, but there are factors to consider: - has the marriage been "over" for awhile? - are you over your spouse? - are you trying to get "even", if there was an affair? - are you trying to substitute someone else for your spouse? - are you being true to yourself and who you are as in individual, so as not to put your new date at an emotional disadvantage? I know for me personally, I am not going to actively date anyone until the divorce is finalized. That being said, if by some chance I happened to meet an amazing woman who I could not help but get interested in, I would seriously reconsider my position. But, there is a lot to be said for trying to heal as much as you can before jumping right in to something..... There is a lot to the above quote, biggest part was I needed to heal myself. I tried early on but quickly stopped as I just wasn't ready and there was still a lot of pre-divorce BS. Also, when you are separated it is as if you have a scarlet red "S" on your forehead that says "I'm not 100% available yet".....at least it was for me. If you can do it, do it; I will admit that the few first an only dates did a world of good for my ego. After being cheated on the attention was nice but I soon realized I needed to take care of me first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
secondfailure Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 This question has so many answers. My STBXW wife told me she has a "friend". Me I tried to go out with people. My heart is just not in it. I do beleive if you date when you are not ready if that does not work out then its double the pain. While some people have gone on the marry the person they dated before the divorced. its all up to the individual... Link to post Share on other sites
dienstag Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Can we please differentiate here between dating and going into serious relationship or another marriage:mad: Dating should be fun and exactly part of healing process, where you see yourself as still attractive for opposite sex. Dating should help to rebuild / rediscover yourself, especially if you have been cheated on I think it is healthy and necessary for getting back on your feet 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 Hell, I'm not ready to date post D. Link to post Share on other sites
Monodare1 Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 At the minute I'm concentrating on the most important person in my life, my little son, then me second. My son however lives with the stbxw so it can be a long week with the resentments and hurt to ruminate over. My confidence with the opposite sex is pretty dented and I do feel that I need the fun and flirting. Not necessarily full dating, but to quote a George Michael song "had some bad love, so fast love is on my mind" Meaning flirting, fun but without commitment until my confidence is back up there and the divorce is final. However, I am in a position in my relationship where I know there is no going back. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 If there are children involved, some judges may frown upon it and view it as instability for the children during an already unstable transition. Link to post Share on other sites
The dad Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 My stbxstbx started living with the om within a couple of months of our separation, hurts like he'll but I am using that hurt to help me get over her. Hard to want someone back when you see that they are capable of that. As for me, I promised myself a long time ago that I would be loyal to her and our marriage. No dates for me untill the judge says it's over. I'm not doing this for her, but for ME 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 My stbxstbx started living with the om within a couple of months of our separation, hurts like he'll but I am using that hurt to help me get over her. Hard to want someone back when you see that they are capable of that. As for me, I promised myself a long time ago that I would be loyal to her and our marriage. No dates for me untill the judge says it's over. I'm not doing this for her, but for ME You are a better man than me. My STBXW is going straight from our house to her new man's house. I don't need a judge to tell me it's over. I'm just planning on not seeking anything out for a while. If something happens, I'll go with the flow. But I'll let the other person know I'm not wanting anything remotely serious for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
dienstag Posted November 12, 2013 Share Posted November 12, 2013 When your wife is living with someone else - oh this is so over mate! I am left with 2 small children, job and household, in a foreign country with no family and couple of firends. I manage all and run around like crazy. When once in a blue moon my x bothers to come and see the kids i absolutely make sure this rare occasions of time for myself are worthy and i get my portion of good times whatever it might imply. We live only once and life is damn short and busy as hell - what to wait for? A piece of paper with a divorce stamp to feel justified? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leaving Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 I suppose it is a personal choice, but there are factors to consider: - has the marriage been "over" for awhile? - are you over your spouse? - are you trying to get "even", if there was an affair? - are you trying to substitute someone else for your spouse? - are you being true to yourself and who you are as in individual, so as not to put your new date at an emotional disadvantage? I know for me personally, I am not going to actively date anyone until the divorce is finalized. That being said, if by some chance I happened to meet an amazing woman who I could not help but get interested in, I would seriously reconsider my position. But, there is a lot to be said for trying to heal as much as you can before jumping right in to something..... Me personally i feel my marriage is over and there no way it can be saved things where done that's unforgivable. Why not go out and have fun flirt a little and if i meet someone that interest me(think i may have) why not see where it leads. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Me personally i feel my marriage is over and there no way it can be saved things where done that's unforgivable. Why not go out and have fun flirt a little and if i meet someone that interest me(think i may have) why not see where it leads. Then you should...you've given no backstory on why you married too young and are so disgruntled now...my own son is only 18 and I have break up his stupid fights with his 19 year old GF over an f'ing video game..my first exH was 21 when his drunk a** abandoned his daughter and I over getting a job (man up really sucks and yeah, it humbles men when they aren't providing)...so why do you need to leave your marriage....better yet..why did you marry so young to begin with...........??? Link to post Share on other sites
GatsbyMH Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Oddly enough, I'm filing divorce paperwork today for my wife and I to get the process started. I initiated the divorce and it took her a while to accept it and she is now dating a guy she met online. I'm very supportive of this and I'm not jealous at all. She calls me to discuss their dates and how she is scared to be in a new relationship. She's taking it really slow with him but he is really into her so he is fine with that. Every situation is different. I'm ecstatic she is dating. Makes me feel less guilty for ending the marriage and she is able to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Monodare1 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Well I was on the receiving end of the boot. My concern is that while I stand atop the moral high ground and stay celibate until my divorce happens, 1-2 years after seperation, will she be doing the same? The soon to be ex wife is going out quite regularly despite protesting lack of funds, plus doing herself up, dyeing her hair etc. Why should I live like a monk when I have no clue what she is up to? Not to be crude but she could be getting her jollies every weekend while I be a nice little stbxh and take the moral high ground. As said, I'm not looking for a full blown relationship, but I would not be opposed to the odd dalliance with like minded women that are not looking for anything serious, just no strings fun. Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Oddly enough, I'm filing divorce paperwork today for my wife and I to get the process started. I initiated the divorce and it took her a while to accept it and she is now dating a guy she met online. I'm very supportive of this and I'm not jealous at all. She calls me to discuss their dates and how she is scared to be in a new relationship. She's taking it really slow with him but he is really into her so he is fine with that. Every situation is different. I'm ecstatic she is dating. Makes me feel less guilty for ending the marriage and she is able to move on. Good grief! The day you are filing divorce papers you are discussing her dating? Did you guys really have much of a marriage? I went through a horrible ordeal over my divorce and lost nearly 30 pounds. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I caught my Ex cheating. For me the second she stepped over the line and broke the vows our marriage was over. I didn't need an expensive piece of paper from some judge to tell me it was OK to move on in life. My first priority in getting my life back was to get back into the dating scene. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I suppose it is a personal choice, but there are factors to consider: - has the marriage been "over" for awhile? - are you over your spouse? - are you trying to get "even", if there was an affair? - are you trying to substitute someone else for your spouse? - are you being true to yourself and who you are as in individual, so as not to put your new date at an emotional disadvantage? I know for me personally, I am not going to actively date anyone until the divorce is finalized. That being said, if by some chance I happened to meet an amazing woman who I could not help but get interested in, I would seriously reconsider my position. But, there is a lot to be said for trying to heal as much as you can before jumping right in to something..... Listen to AZ.. Do you really want to be the person who just "can't be alone" for a moment? Take time to grieve what you lost. If not, it can and will effect your future interactions/relationships etc. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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