Did you start therapy after your break up? What've you learned?

[moon]

Hi, I was just wondering how many people started going to therapy after their break ups? I did. I have been going now for six weeks. I recommend it. The funny part is me and my counselor sit for an hour talking about my family (and their problems) rather than focusing on my ex and our relationship. It is beginning to show me that my problems with my ex TOTALLY stemmed from things that had happened to me in my own family. Has anybody else made break throughs like this in therapy? Has therapy helped you recover faster?

 

Or how do people cope exactly with their break ups? Do you take anti-depressents? Do you work out at the gym? Hang out with friends? What's your savior during the day to feeling better?

[Dakini]

Originally posted by moon

It is beginning to show me that my problems with my ex TOTALLY stemmed from things that had happened to me in my own family. Has anybody else made break throughs like this in therapy? Has therapy helped you recover faster?

 

Or how do people cope exactly with their break ups? Do you take anti-depressents? Do you work out at the gym? Hang out with friends? What's your savior during the day to feeling better?

 

I went to a therapist to help me with my breakup: before, during and after. What helped me tremendously was recognizing where my reactions to my ex. stem from, and why they perhaps were / are that way. This makes me much more cognizant of my behaviours, both constructive and destructive.

 

I don't take anti-depressants, but I'm probably coping ok - since I was the dumper. I do work out, but I started before the breakup. I do have an amazing group of real-life and online friends who listen to my crap, and give me advice and encouragement. I couldn't have gone through my separation without them.

[XNemesisX]

I did therapy in my last breakup (in May)

 

Honestly, it really didn't do anything for me. It may have just been that I had a bad therapist. I took Prozac until about 3 months ago.

 

I'm no longer taking Prozac or going to therapy but I may consider doing it again.

 

Next time around, I think I may prefer to have a woman for a therapist. My last therapist was a man and he wasn't too empathic with me. He sort of just listened to me cry and then called my professors and my dad and told them I was suicidal and made my dad come get me from school for a few days.

 

He didn't really help me much, but I think he had good intentions.

 

My support system is mainly LS, online friends, and a few friends in real life. My mom isn't very sympathetic because she has never been broken up with. She's one of the lucky people who met her husband (my dad) at a young age and didn't have to go through all of this. She just tells me to "get over it" and that doesn't really help..

 

My dad is a good support though.

[moon]

YX32Nemesis, isn't that funny that your mom never had a break up and tells you to get over it. My mother has never mentioned to me any break up that she's ever had either. My parents met when she was about 24. But married a few years later. My ex ran off with another girl. My dad isn't great at discussing this with because he had an affair (that lasted on and off for maybe ten years) on my mother. This is what I have been discussing in therapy. It is a hush hush secret now (but one that was totally revealed when I was growing up), but still sort of haunts the family. I never even got a recognition of it from my dad. My mother got her husband to stay, so I guess that was thanks enough.

 

My dad is a good man. A good bread winner, always home by 7. It was totally out of character for my dad to do this as far as I am concerned. So now that my ex ran off with somebody else I am dealing with the man hating thing for cheaters. But I can't hate my dad all of a sudden. He has always been good to me, and my mom more the bitchy one. My therapist thinks I accept that I won't get an apology or recongition from my ex because I (we) didn't get one from my dad. My parent's are still married and he's totally done with that other woman. I never hardly talk about my ex in therapy. I think my therapist thinks I am sort of over him because today I mentioned that a friend of his got in touch with me by e-mail and I realized I could ask this guy about his current "love life" (did he stay with that other girl he left me for two months ago?). The therapist said..."Oh well you wouldn't want to open up that old wound again." I was like....it is still a wound...not an old wound that needs to be opened up. But I guess I got her point. I will ignore the friend as I do the ex. My ex is a cheater.....at least I know he was to at least one other girlfriend.

 

But I wonder if the fact that I've already gone through this in my own family and then the denial of it later, is the reason I feel comfortable not contacting my ex about it and why I doubt I'll hear anything more about it from him. It is just swept under the rug like my family and we just go on and live our own lives. That is what I expect.

 

Therapy is helping me. I would find a women. I specifically asked for a woman therapist because I had a guy one time and he seemed mostly just interested in the guy's perspective. I don't care about that. I was caring about my perspective!!! It is good that the doctor called your family to support you, if that is what happened.

 

Recently I have also been able to talk about this with my sister because she has had the exact type of boyfriends as me. Wow, genetics is a strange thing!!! Or it could have just been the way we grew up. Don't know.

 

Dakini,

 

Yeah, I think therapy is especially good for just talking out your problems. It is good to have somebody to tell everything with. I tell friends, but I can't just keep telling them over and over again like I can a therapist.

[greenhorn]

I have my own thread where i post my details which all of you know very well and right now i am going through therapy as well though had only two or three session till now.

 

The difference that it made to me was that i got the believe that i can live with the break up and if it is breaking up let it be.Earlier i thought i cant live with it and was hell bent on doing anything to save things.

 

The most important thing that my therapist told me was that "if there is a crisis in your life and if it does not kill you then it will make you strong,you might not realise it now but if you face the same crisis again then you will feel the difference"

 

I dont have much to add beyond this at this point but will keep on adding as i have more sessions.

 

bye

[UnicornGirl]

In counseling, I finally admitted my father is an alcoholic, something my entire family ignores -- it's the "elephant in the living room." And that explained a lot of the issues I have in relationships. I'm learning about children of alcoholics and what the implications are for me, especially as the oldest child, an only child for 8 years. I am learning a lot about my family life, as well, and how it affects me. I'm almost glad I'm going through this experience, however much I hate my ex for screwing me over and abandoning me to rebuild my life on my own ... because there are things inside my head that need to be dealt with.

[beejsea2]

I started therapy a week after my ex left and I've been going every other week. It's helped me so much realize that things that happened with my ex was not my fault but my ex's. He was fired from his job and I haven't found out why but I'm at the point that I really don't need to know!!

 

I have issues that I'm working on and I feel empowered after my sessions which in the long run can only help make me a better person!

 

I feel that it takes a strong person to go into counseling because they admit the need help!! There was a post some where on LS where a person felt that they were weak because they needed to get into therapy..but I totally feel it's the opposite!!

[johan]

I tried therapy for a while after a breakup. The one thing it helped me with is to figure myself out emotionally. I used to have no idea how to talk about feelings or even to recognize the ones I was feeling. I would get really down on myself and couldn't realize how someone else or I was contributing to that. Now I can tell how I feel about stuff pretty accurately and I can figure out why and what I can do about it.

 

I came to think of the therapy like going to class. It's a great place to learn stuff. It wasn't worth what I was paying though. And the sessions were always too short. That was irritating.

 

In terms of "getting over" a breakup by going to therapy, don't get your hopes up. You still have to go through all the same stuff. They don't offer any silver bullets, and occasionally the clarity you come away with can make you feel worse about things. There are no solutions there, it's just alternative ways to think about things.

[moon]

Thanks for everyone's opinions. The thing I find strange about therapy is that you are talking about all this old stuff from your past, which you think is just in the back of your mind all along, but through therapay you start seeing those things differently. I realize that a number of years ago I stopped talking about my dad's infidelities to the men I dated. I was afraid it would happen to me if I brought it out into the open. So what did I do? I ran right to a guy who told me right off the bat that he'd cheated in his last relationship. But he was so remorseful and sad and miserable about it that I guess I got some sort of reassurance from that. Instead of just looking at what he did, I thought is was comendable that he was sooo depressed about it. But I wouldn't really let myself fully get into a relationship with him. I knew he was dangerous. But never once during our early times together did I tell him about my upbring. I just sort of knew not to discuss it or I might become a victim like his last girlfriend. I guess I was testing the waters. It is just so strange that I was somehow attracted to his cheating (in some subconsious way) because I was trying to work out my own feelings about it. I totally felt sorry for his last girlfriend (they didn't really have much contact by the time I met him and had been broken up maybe a year). I was always trying to fix my boyfriend. I was always trying to get him to see the error of his ways. I realize now that it would have taken a miracle for us to have ever had a healthy relationship because I just couldn't trust him or let the past go. I was attracted to him, not to enjoy a healthy relationship with, but to work out my own issues with cheating and adultry. Ewww...I shutter to think that I willingly wanted to deal with a person with those types of issues.

 

But now, after four years of knowing the person, I finally dragged myself into therapy and can work out these issues with a professional, not a philadering boyfriend. He wasn't so bad while we were dating, but he did run off with another girl and ended it with me. He did the unthinkable in the end. I guess therapy is helping me realize why I stayed with him so long. Yet, I was always running from him. I guess you can't have it both ways.

[MissingHerBad]

My scars remind me that the past was real....I to went to councilling, I would certainly reccomend it however before you actually go crazy because its a sad state. Councilling may have been the best thing that happened to me.

[jellybean]

MissingHerBad...I've been wondering where you went. Are you still obsessed with your ex? Or are you coping better now?

 

Take care

[MissingHerBad]

Im trying to cope but...day at a time I guess. I still have sever psychiological problems but I am working it out. I've been around just trying not to think about it. I still have so many unanswered questions. Im cool with it being over now but I really want to know what happened, why, why all of a sudden. Im starting to get angry with the situation and I feel like punching her new boyfriend in the teeth. *Jellybean- I see your from Van, so am I

[iceisles]

MissingHer, I would like answers, too. The thing is, she didn't give them to me when we broke up, and I don't expect to get them now. I think she was hoping to just brush everything under the carpet and never see it again. From what I can tell, few people get the answers or closure they look for, and that is so disheartening. Then again, maybe I wouldn't want to know the truth, which is what she's probably thinking.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by iceisles

MissingHer, I would like answers, too. The thing is, she didn't give them to me when we broke up, and I don't expect to get them now. I think she was hoping to just brush everything under the carpet and never see it again. From what I can tell, few people get the answers or closure they look for, and that is so disheartening. Then again, maybe I wouldn't want to know the truth, which is what she's probably thinking.

 

You can't sweep things under the carpet. It doesn't work out the way people expect it to. It creates many more problems than being honest and open would have. That's one of the things going through this has helped me realize -- honesty is the best policy. People try to be polite and make things less "bad," but end up putting the emotional health of all parties involved at risk with wishy-washy answers and cowardly elusion of the issues at hand. Honesty is truly the best policy -- and hey, being honest often makes the problems or issues not seem so bad after all. Many people who leave a relationship are elusive and leave things unresolved. My ex admits he is resentful of me and incredibly hurt by our breakup, but he won't talk with me about it. They may forget the person, but they'll be carrying around the toll of the policy of avoiding what might hurt for a very, very long time.

[Evanescence]

Hi

 

I've been in therapy for almost a full year. Well minus the summer months that I was home for the summer (I see a counsellor at school beacuse it is free through our student development centre) and the summer was probably the worst for me since the very beginning. It has helped a lot. Although I am still really depressed. I don't want to go on drugs, so even if they eventually suggest them to me, I won't do it. Just talking to someone I find helps a lot. And when your friends have been hearing it for so long... you feel like you have no one to talk to anymore... but when you have a therapist of some sort, you know you have someone to talk to still.

 

I have also been covering a lot of my family issues. I never thought I had any.. none to serious anyway... but my counsellor seems to think I have a bit. She says it seems like I've had a hard life. I know I didn't have the easiest life.. but I've always thought of myself as very lucky. So I dunno.

 

All I know is that seeing a therapist of some sort is a really good idea for those who are going through or have gone though a bad break up.

[sinkerswim]

i went into therapy (through my psychiatriasts office) in February immediately after my ex fiance wanted his "space"...we were together 8 years.

I went on 3 medications for my depression and anxiety and also having OCD.

I am still continuing therapy every 3 weeks and still on medication.

 

I love my therapist sooo much. She specializes in loss and grieving and OCD patients.

Something she repeats to me every session is that I am going to be OK...Im a good person and caring person.

We work on my negative thinking patterns. She writes me out index cards to read all the time. they help out alot.

 

My loss is compared to a death...so she helps me in those ways.

 

When I have a "meltdown" she lets me page her.

She is wonderful and has helped me out so much this year. I will continue to keep going to her.

[randymac]

I went to therapy for months after my break-up. It helped a lot. Once again I think you'll find that a lot of the problems that you had are a result of parents, and upbringing. just remember the other partner is as f$%ked up as you most of the time. everyone has a past that comes from learned behavior. It's been 9 months since my wife seperated from me and I still have a tremendous ammount of guilt from the 1 night stand that I had that led to the seperation. I realize that my seperation is more than the infedelity though. I desperately wanted to save my marriage but she didn't want to. I've changed my life for the better regardless if she is there or not. It's something that you have to do for you. It's cliche but very true. My wife had the balls to say to me " Look, I never did one thing wrong in this marriage". She's in victims denial. I miss her and still love her a great deal, but I can't help but feel unless she ever deals with what's happened she will carry this with her for a long time. Remember, therapy works if you are 100% honest, open, and you believe in the process of therapy.

 

9 Months and counting, when does the love go away........don't know until 1 day you wake up and it's gone I guess. Who really knows.......no one.

[Evanescence]

One thing I've learned, the love doesn't go away. I was with my ex for 5 and a half years. We were each others first everything. We were extremely serious about getting engaged until one day, he just flipped... he just didn' t know what he wanted anymore, and we broke up. It will be a year at the end of January, I'm still seeing a counsellor, and I KNOW that the love will never go away. No matter how many times I try to convince myself that I don't love him, no matter how long it has been... no matter how much my friends remind me of how our relationship was, I will NEVER EVER stop loving him. Its just something you eventually learn to live with and you just have to learn to move on feeling that way. It sucks, because it hurts so much, but you just have to continue making the most of what you have left I guess.

[SadAndLonely]

I did therapy for a while. I learned that I need to be an actor in my own life and not just react to what people say. I learned that I need to be more patient and not always immediately assume that people hate me or are out to get me. In fact, now that I think about it, the therapy had little to do with my ex and everything to do with me, as it should be.