BS besties with MW/MM family

[hurtnomorerika]

Ive seen pics of my XMM's wife with his family like his mother, aunt, cousin and their all smiles and giggles. It made me feel some type of way.

 

I mean even though we're not even on speaking terms anymore, what if we were and something happened to where him and his bs divorced. I would never feel comfortable because I feel as if they would never like me because of their ties to the his wife.

 

Anyone else feel like this? Do you think MM/MW would accept you? Do you care if they dont welcome you?

[MissBee]

Family is important to me.

 

I can't imagine marrying someone my family/friends didn't like and didn't get along with and knowing my family and friends, they are very open and warm, so if they disliked a man, it would be for a good reason and I'd take heed.

 

I also would rather not be part of a family and have children with someone whose family did not like me. In any case your concern is imaginary in that you all don't even speak so it's a bit much to be imagining if he maybe divorces and you somehow end up together.

 

The family has known BS for quite a while, and unlike the few who have said MM's entire family hated the BS and everyone else on earth hates her too, most BSs are normal people whom the person's family has built a relationship with and whom they like, so esp if it comes out that there is an affair, it is illogical to expect that they will side with some person they do not know whom their son had an A with, against their daughter in law whom they often know and love. In the case of normal divorce, everyone needs time to adjust and they may always have a relationship with the exwife esp if they had been married for years and had children, which means the ex wife will always play some role and the family will not all of a sudden act like she never existed. Kids take time to warm to a step parent and friends and family may also take time to as well. I don't think it should be a competition though. There relationship to the ex may not be what it is with you for lots of reasons, so long as they don't treat you badly. But I have heard stories where the OW is never truly welcomed into the family. She is tolerated politely but not genuinely adored, and others have a different story where they get on fine and are liked. You can't really predict how it will be, but you can't compare, you can't expect they will erase the ex wife and you will be the reigning queen of their hearts, esp not quickly. All you can do is hope they respect you and treat you politely but you cannot make them like you more than or just as much as the exwife.

[ComingInHot]

Just from my own stitch I know for fact that my H's Entire huge family would Never have accepted exOW. As a matter of fact, had he chosen to go be w/exOW after I made him leave at D-day, it would have taken beyond years for his family to allow my H to appear With her at family functions and even forty years down the road, if I were present they would forbid her to come.

That's just how my H's family is . My Sisters by law are my True sisters in life. We'd All walk on water and through flames for each other. It's actually incredibly special!! My brothers in law adore me, I'm the baby sister they always wanted. They'd protect me and my children against any threat. I LOVE them for that!!*

 

Unfortunately for Any OW trying to be accepted into my H's Clan, is well, dreaming. It would have to be a woman Not involved in the breakup of our family via an A. Then, maybe a different woman Might have a chance...

 

This is just my stitch though*

[whereamigoing]

Ive seen pics of my XMM's wife with his family like his mother, aunt, cousin and their all smiles and giggles. It made me feel some type of way.

 

I mean even though we're not even on speaking terms anymore, what if we were and something happened to where him and his bs divorced. I would never feel comfortable because I feel as if they would never like me because of their ties to the his wife.

 

Anyone else feel like this? Do you think MM/MW would accept you? Do you care if they dont welcome you?

 

My xMM and I are in voice/email contact and moving towards an open relationship as the divorce clock counts down. One of the things we've discussed is his family. They have a very close relationship with BS. They also know that he had an affair in the past and that it is, in part, a contributing factor in the divorce. They are on the religious side and look down on divorce in general so haven't been entirely supportive.

 

I don't feel a strong need to be close to his family. I would like to accepted at some point in the future if we move forward with a relationship but if not, I'm okay with it. I worry more about the stress that will place on him because he would like to be close to his family. That will be very difficult if I am not accepted at family functions etc.

 

I am not sure what is happening/will happen with BS and his family. I know for a long time she was in regular communication with his parents and has a close relationship with them as she does not have that with her own. I do not begrudge her that relationship and actually am supportive of her maintaining that with them. However, that means that she will likely be invited to family stuff and I can foresee her getting a welcome while I am either not invited or am persona non grata. That would be awkward, for me and, I'm assuming, her. So I will probably sit those out.

 

To more directly answer your question: yes, I do worry about being accepted by his family but more from the aspect of how it will affect him. I won't go so far as to say I don't care if they don't accept me but I don't need their welcoming embrace to make me feel good about my (potential) relationship. Their acceptance will make things easier.

[Sub]

Just from my own stitch I know for fact that my H's Entire huge family would Never have accepted exOW. As a matter of fact, had he chosen to go be w/exOW after I made him leave at D-day, it would have taken beyond years for his family to allow my H to appear With her at family functions and even forty years down the road, if I were present they would forbid her to come.

That's just how my H's family is . My Sisters by law are my True sisters in life. We'd All walk on water and through flames for each other. It's actually incredibly special!! My brothers in law adore me, I'm the baby sister they always wanted. They'd protect me and my children against any threat. I LOVE them for that!!*

 

Unfortunately for Any OW trying to be accepted into my H's Clan, is well, dreaming. It would have to be a woman Not involved in the breakup of our family via an A. Then, maybe a different woman Might have a chance...

 

This is just my stitch though*

 

I was in a similar situation. My WS and I knew that the OM would have never been accepted by her family. I refer to my in-laws as "Mom" and "Dad", and at times feel closer to them than my own parents. We have a wonderful relationship.

 

In a strange way, it bothered me, though. If my WS had just decided she wanted to separate/divorce, then started seeing the OM, it obviously wouldn't have been as bad. The trust we would have had to maintain as parents of a child would have remained intact. The A put that at risk as well, aside from the trust we had as a couple. And it would have had further ramifications with other aspects of her life, like her relationship with her family. It was unsettling that none of those things were considered over the course of the A. She does maintain they still wouldn't have liked him, though, because of his personality. And, in Latin cultures, there are a lot of rivalries between certain countries. My wife's family would have had a hard time with a guy like him.

[whereamigoing]

Absolute tosh in my opinion. Of course you will be seeking his families approval IF the day ever comes when the man commits himself wholly to you.

 

To suggest anything less is preposterous. You and I know that if he commits to you, then his family will be involved, and by virtue of what you infer about his wife having a healthy relationship with his family, then you are going to feel that your nose has been put out of joint if they do not treat you with the same respect.

 

Your lover will remain in the same relationship with his family regardless, and your fear is of course warranted that they will not respond favourably to you.

 

However, IF and WHEN the man actually proves himself to you and fully commits to an open relationship, you have the opportunity to earn their respect dependant on your own behaviour toward them.

 

Well, you have the right to your opinion, it just happens to be wrong for me. I do not need or crave close familial ties. It is just simply something that doesn't factor into my equation. I can certainly understand how someone might really be troubled by lack of familial acceptance, but that someone simply isn't me.

 

It would be easier, of course, to be openly accepted and embraced. If that doesn't happen, well it will be okay. I guess part of the reason I feel this way is that I know why they may feel less than enthusiastic about me. I get that I am the interloper, the perceived homewrecker. I understand it and I don't/ won't blame them for feeling that way.

[Got it]

Ive seen pics of my XMM's wife with his family like his mother, aunt, cousin and their all smiles and giggles. It made me feel some type of way.

 

I mean even though we're not even on speaking terms anymore, what if we were and something happened to where him and his bs divorced. I would never feel comfortable because I feel as if they would never like me because of their ties to the his wife.

 

Anyone else feel like this? Do you think MM/MW would accept you? Do you care if they dont welcome you?

 

I think this is hard to try and predict. They could have a good relationship, they may not. That doesn't mean that they won't have a good relationship with you even if they have a good relationship with her.

 

I had a dday, my "position" was well known but I have a great relationship with his family. But they did not have a very deep one with is ex wife, so there were issues there as well as knowledge of her affair. So because of that, it actually "helped" my acceptance. At the end of the day, most people side with blood. I think there have been many BS who have been unfortunately surprised when the relationship they had with the WS' family died out after the divorce and even them developing relationship(s) with the OP.

 

All you can do is take it day by day and try and forge a relationship. I really like his mom, my MIL, and his family, so it's easy. I try and make sure to stay in contact, see them, do things, etc. Just take it day by day and develop the relationship and really push my husband to see his family as much as possible (we don't live in the same state). He actually has a better/deeper relationship with his family now than he did before.

[hurtnomorerika]

I think this is hard to try and predict. They could have a good relationship, they may not. That doesn't mean that they won't have a good relationship with you even if they have a good relationship with her.

 

I had a dday, my "position" was well known but I have a great relationship with his family. But they did not have a very deep one with is ex wife, so there were issues there as well as knowledge of her affair. So because of that, it actually "helped" my acceptance. At the end of the day, most people side with blood. I think there have been many BS who have been unfortunately surprised when the relationship they had with the WS' family died out after the divorce and even them developing relationship(s) with the OP.

 

All you can do is take it day by day and try and forge a relationship. I really like his mom, my MIL, and his family, so it's easy. I try and make sure to stay in contact, see them, do things, etc. Just take it day by day and develop the relationship and really push my husband to see his family as much as possible (we don't live in the same state). He actually has a better/deeper relationship with his family now than he did before.

 

Thank you! Some of these people makes it seem as if it impossible because you are/were AP. The family will NEVER like you. Every situation is different.

[krazikat]

Thank you! Some of these people makes it seem as if it impossible because you are/were AP. The family will NEVER like you. Every situation is different.

 

I am worried about you. You would actually consider being with him after this experience if he and BS divorced? Why are you even wondering this about his family? Why would you even care after this experience?

[Got it]

You are right. Ever situation is different so the outcomes are different. There are no guarantees so it really depends on the details and the players involved.

 

I know that IF his family had a closer relationship with his ex wife then yes things would have been much harder. I expected to have a hard hill to climb and planned to do so for years to come. What I didn't expect was the situation that I was presented with. All I can be is me and do the best that I can do. So I try and make sure he spends time with his family, calls them, include them, etc. I do not try and ever do anything to alienate him from his loved ones and am fine not being involved if needed. This is my mode of conduct with his kids as well.

 

I can't change the past, I can only effect today. So I do my best every day and go from there.

[ComingInHot]

Hurtnomorerika wrote, "SOME OF THESE PEOPLE makes it seem as if it impossible because you are/were AP. The family will NEVER like you. Every situation is different."

 

Precisely why I SPECIFICALLY wrote, "Just from my own stitch" THEN to Be CLEAR wrote AGAIN, "This is just my stitch though*"

 

From reading other replies here, it appears that being an OW can make marrying into the family and/or being accepted into the extended family makes it far more difficult and like I said, IN MY STITCH, it would have been impossible.

 

You may want to consider Not being the OW, wait until D is Final, THEN enter the picture as NOT the woman who broke up a family and hurt their DIL and GrandBabies (that may be how you are perceived right or wrong that you feel it is) BUT as a lovely, "innocent" (that kind of hurt to write ) lady who is willing to love their son "In spite of" him being divorce with Children and take on the role of step Mother and love Their Grand Babies as they do.

 

What do you think?

[hurtnomorerika]

I am worried about you. You would actually consider being with him after this experience if he and BS divorced? Why are you even wondering this about his family? Why would you even care after this experience?

 

No, I havent considered being with him. This is a board, where if you are curious about something you are free to ask others in similar situations what they think or feel.

 

When I was with him or whatever you want to call it, it did cross my mind. Thats all. Dont worry about me, with everything I've been through I havent lost my mind or hurt anybody so Im fine. Thank you.

[krazikat]

No, I havent considered being with him. This is a board, where if you are curious about something you are free to ask others in similar situations what they think or feel.

 

When I was with him or whatever you want to call it, it did cross my mind. Thats all. Dont worry about me, with everything I've been through I havent lost my mind or hurt anybody so Im fine. Thank you.

 

Okay, I was just responding to " I mean even though we're not even on speaking terms anymore, what if we were and something happened to where him and his bs divorced. I would never feel comfortable because I feel as if they would never like me because of their ties to the his wife." and was worried that you would still consider being with this jack hatass fool.

 

I am not attacking you as ow or whatever...but I am not one to sugar coat ****. I had a baby when I was a teen. My donor was a serial cheater and I left him and lived in a shelter. I raised that child by myself, and I was a child, a minor, couldn't even get my own place. I didn't have family to help me out. I worked my ass off. I filed for.child support...was awarded a whooping.$176/m which I rarely received. Actually, I never ever received the full amount, when I did get it, it might be $23 one month, $17 another month...to this day he owes me about $30K in back CS that I will likely never see.

 

So I know what you are going thru to a point, and hell yes, that **** has you feeling some type of way. Just focus on you and the baby, you are better off without him...be glad you are not his wife.

Edited November 13, 2013 by krazikat
spelling

[LilGirlandOW]

My experience is the BS in my situation did not care for mms family as her family were very pretentious, and his is an avg working class folk. That was a huge wedge, I was instantly accepted and welcomed with warmth when meeting his family, as the ow as well as his gf. I made him happy and that's what was most important to them, as well I want them in his life as she never did. So I guess a little differnt

[velvette]

My experience is the BS in my situation did not care for mms family as her family were very pretentious, and his is an avg working class folk. That was a huge wedge, I was instantly accepted and welcomed with warmth when meeting his family, as the ow as well as his gf. I made him happy and that's what was most important to them, as well I want them in his life as she never did. So I guess a little differnt

 

How do you feel about the fact that given their behavior if he cheats on you they will welcome the next OW with open arms behind your back?

 

I mean really all the excuses you give for their behavior are really poor reasons for treating the mother of their grand children this way.

 

I wonder how they would explain it to their grandchildren.

[LilGirlandOW]

The mother of their grandchildren tried everything in her power to keep their children from them, that was one of their huge issues throughout the whole marraige. His family are greT people with big hearts, maybe not as prestigious or posh as hers, but great people none the less. His XW never once visited his ailing mother in the hospital in the 10yrs she's been there, neither have I given the situation, but I care for her well being and send flowers to brighten her day

[LilGirlandOW]

The same sort of situation happened in my family growing up, affair aside, my mothers family is of a much higher class than my fathers and my mother and her family for no real good reason would slander my own grandparents and aunts/uncles in front of us kids like it was no big deal because they shopped at thrift stores and flea markets, my mom wouldn't come to see his family, they never had a relationship until after my pRents divorce and my pRents became great friends and my grandfather got cancer the first time, my mother danced with my grandpa at my dad's parents 50th wedding anniversary, I cried tears of joy at that moment as I couldn't understand how she would never see just how amazing they are, they weren't rich in money they were the richest people I knew in heart, had very little money and still gave to less fortunate anonymously at the Christmas season because it was the right thing to do.

 

It's not right, but it happens

[Journee]

My father was on his third marriage when he met my mother thirty years ago. His marriages tended to be unbelievablly toxic. There was cheating and lying. There was addictions and other substance abuse. Destruction of property and verbal/emotional abuse. These behaviors came from all sides in some manner or another in all three of this marriages. It was all he knew. Then he met my mother. He was not allowed to visit family without his ex. Problem was she didn't want to visit his family. So they didn't. They just pulled each other deeper into their addictions. He left that ex for my mother. His side of the family loves her very much. They love the man he has become with her presence and support over the years. It wasn't over night. He continued his toxic behaviors only this time his partner ( my mother) didn't participate. When she didn't , he sought out OW that would. Until he got into AA and God touched his heart. He is clean and sober now. His family is her family and welcomed her with open arms because they saw in her , her desire to show him a better way to live and conduct a marriage.

 

I am not one to think that all marriages are created equal. Some need to end. Some should have never been. Never an excuse to cheat though. Sometimes it's messy like that. In this case the MM's family were pleased to have the OW in their lives despite the circumstances surrounding. Their A was an exit A. There were still plenty of issues that followed but none that came from his family welcoming and loving her.

[Eggplant]

It could never get involved with a MM who left his wife and married me. Because I could not look his children in the eye. And I could not look his mother in the eye either. What would she think of me, who broke up the home of her grandchildren? And how would I lead my own children by example? For this reason, I keep telling married people on this board not to start a relationship until they are fully divorced, if they want to divorce. Because the irony of having an affair is that if you do love that AP, then by having the A, you sort of make it possible to be with anybody in this world EXCEPT that person.

[LilGirlandOW]

It could never get involved with a MM who left his wife and married me. Because I could not look his children in the eye. And I could not look his mother in the eye either. What would she think of me, who broke up the home of her grandchildren? And how would I lead my own children by example? For this reason, I keep telling married people on this board not to start a relationship until they are fully divorced, if they want to divorce. Because the irony of having an affair is that if you do love that AP, then by having the A, you sort of make it possible to be with anybody in this world EXCEPT that person.

 

Some places you need to be seperation for a year before a divorce is possible, you would give that advice to them? Or does this just apply to "easy to divorce" parts of the map?

[jlola]

How do you feel about the fact that given their behavior if he cheats on you they will welcome the next OW with open arms behind your back?

 

I mean really all the excuses you give for their behavior are really poor reasons for treating the mother of their grand children this way.

 

I wonder how they would explain it to their grandchildren.

 

My grandmother(paternal) was horrible to my mother. She is the one who casually pointed out a little girl playing and told my mother it was my father's affair child. The shock and trauma that brought to my mother made my grandmother happy. She had done many other things to my mother and us in hatred. But my mother always respected her and just chose little contact. I see now she had mental and personality issues.

 

You say your MM's wife has not visited his sick mother in 10 years. This is why his family has no respect for her. Yet, your MM went ahead and had children with her AFTER he saw her supposed coldness towards his family. It did not seem such a big deal then, but it does now? His family's lack of respect or morals may have something to do with the BS's reasoning of keeping little contact.

 

The fact she is not friendly with them should have nothing to do with their morals.

 

My x-brother-in law(my crazy sister's #2 husband) once called my middle sister's home late at night searching for his wife. My oldest sister and he had been affair partners and he was not a warm person. My oldest sister had tried to use middle sister as her alibi.

 

Middle sister told him she knew nothing of oldest sister's whereabouts and the next day called oldest sister,very angry she would try to use her in her lies and betrayal. My oldest sister found out very quickly none of us would back up her immoral behaviors no matter how much we disliked husband #2. She then went on to use one of her other cheating girlfriends for her alibi. "Birds of a feather flock together".