I don't want another child - she does

[denver720]

I don't want another child.

 

Both my wife and I have been married and divorced before. We met about a year after I got divorced (three years after hers) and we hit it off immediately.

 

She was childless. I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage.

 

About four months after my wife and I met, we decided to start trying to have a child. I wasn't getting any younger and her biological clock was ticking. Three months later, she was pregnant.

 

This pregnancy was brutal. Lots of vomiting, weight loss, self-image issues, the works. Sex was no longer pleasurable for her. As a nurse working third-shift, everything (and I do mean *everything*) became difficult.

 

Thankfully our son (now 20 months old) was born perfect. Still mostly perfect, although I now remember what I hate about toddler-hood - excessive neediness, screaming, tantrums, etc... Not something I deal with easily, although I do try and mostly succeed.

 

After the pregnancy, our sex life never snapped back to even 15% of what it was before. She used to have fun with it. Now it feels like a chore for her. Because I hate making people do things they don't like doing and because I'm sensitive to rejection, I'm reluctant to initiate. When we do have sex, 50% of the time its awkward and the other 50% its over in three minutes. It is not fulfilling for me. For her, I suspect its the same. We work on it, but nothing has really borne any fruit. Its not her fault - we suspect she's had some nerve damage or excessive scarring due to extended labor.

 

Now that our son is 21 months old, my wife wants another. I MOSTLY don't. I'd put my percentages at 75% against, 25% for. The following reasons are the most salient to me -

 

• I don't want the financial burden.
  
• Her first pregnancy was rough. I know there's no guarantee her second will ALSO be rough. But no guarantee it won't, either.
  
• We still have trouble with sex. I can only imagine our second child would make this worse.
  
• I want us to be able to afford vacations.
  
• I don't want to be strapped for cash trying to put three kids through college.
  
• I have a hard time with kids between the ages of 18 months and three years. Babies are great. And after three you can start reasoning with them (at least, I could with my daughter). But I have a very hard time with toddler-hood. My 20-month old son is in full swing with the NO NO NO and the hitting and the swinging the cats around by their tails. Drives me crazy.
  

 

The other part of it is....I feel like I'm done. I'm 41 years old now and I've got two great kids. My wife is 35 years old and wants a full-time sibling for our son. Because she grew up in a large family, she feels that growing up with siblings is "the way it should be".

 

I grew up as "mostly" an only child, since my youngest sibling was 18 years older than me.

 

Before anyone asks - we talked about having the one. Having another was to be an open-ended discussion.

 

Of course, I'm aware of the fact that saying "no" will be hard for her. Do I think she'll leave because of it? No, but I do think there will be lingering resentment which may or may not go away. That'll depend on how our son turns out. If he's successful, it won't matter that I said "no more kids". If he grows up selfish or intensely "millennial", my decision to not want more kids will become an issue that I'll be reminded of regularly, I suspect.

 

Difficult choice. Would love to hear your opinions.

[Lemonitaz]

It may be a difficult conversation, but one you need to have with your wife. I think your reasons are clear and important. You said you don't think she would leave you over this, are you just worried you will disappoint her?

 

I personally do not have any children. Although my husband and I wouldn't mind having kids and have talked about it, we know if we do we will never be in a financial place where we could take vacations, etc. In my opinion it is a GOOD thing you want to go into this with eyes open and not be led by emotions only.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I think you should not have another child before you have at least straightened out your sex life. Your marriage should find its spark back before even thinking about another child. Your wife should check why sex is a problem for her now, whether it is a mental or a physical problem. Being financially better off would also help of course. Is your wife still working? Otherwise your marriage will simply decline further until the point where you cannot stand her any more but feel you cannot leave because of the kids.

 

I am just telling you what I see around me happening with a lot of couples.

[Mint Sauce]

it seems your objections can be remedied, and as such a compromise is not unthinkable.

 

Could you be enthusiastic about another child if:

 

- you can work out a financial plan that leaves enough margin for travel etc? Related: does she work full time?

 

- your sex life is restored to level "sufficient" before TTC, and without you feeling that it's "fake" on her behalf?

 

- she accepts to put the toddler in day care for sufficient amount of time so you can enjoy enough peace within the house?

 

IMO these are all reasonable conditions/prerequisites for almost anyone to consider another child.

[Ninjainpajamas]

As soon as you figure out this is all about her, her goals and not about you, it'll all become much more clearer.

 

This is what this woman wanted, and you were the sucker..I mean guy that looked like you could provide and make it happen.

 

What she wants > what you want = negligible

 

All this talk about how you feel, is a waste of time...she already knows what she wants, you think it was a coincidence that she was giving you this great sex life in the beginning to get married, then getting pregnant....you fool, it was a trap, and the less you struggle the easier it'll go for you.

 

Otherwise prepare to face the reaper.

 

If you want my advice, I'd say snap out of it and see what's really going on here...you jumped into another relationship only one year after your divorce and knocked her up four months later, and got remarried...what are you thinking man?

 

I understand that you're probably used to that lifestyle and maybe don't even view yourself much as the single guy, but you fell right into this one man face first...she was looking for a guy like you, and you were walked right into it.

[Eggplant]

She could have a child by a sperm donor -- then it wouldn't be your financial responsibility. You would both have a child by a third party, so it would work out even.

[Eggplant]

All this talk about how you feel, is a waste of time...she already knows what she wants, you think it was a coincidence that she was giving you this great sex life in the beginning to get married, then getting pregnant....you fool, it was a trap, and the less you struggle the easier it'll go for you.

That's a little extreme. I don't know this woman personally, but you don't have enough to go on to assume she trapped him, simply because her sex life went down after a child.

 

Your needs are important -- sex is important. Talk to her about it. If I were in her shoes, I'd say just initiate anyway. Don't fear rejection.

[FitChick]

If she wants to get pregnant, she will seduce you. Get a vasectomy and don't tell her. If she insists on another kid, bring in a foster child or children at least five years old so not toddlers. Or babies. Those kids are desperate for homes. At least if they don't work out you can give them back and get paid in the bargain. She is very selfish.

Edited November 16, 2013 by FitChick

[lollipopspot]

Get a vasectomy and don't tell her.

 

To me this is on about the same level emotionally as stopping birth control and not telling the partner.

 

She also has a right to know if more children are out of the question. One partner can make that decision unilaterally, and that's fine, but they need to communicate it, if the relationship is worth anything.

[Lauriebell82]

I think you gave her false hope with the "open ended discussion" on having a second child. But if she was certain that she wanted more then one child then she needed to make those feelings known with the original discussion about kids.

 

My friend is in a similar situation. They have a two year old and prior to marriage they had agreed on having more then one child. Well, there daughter is not an easy child and her husband is not a fan of fatherhood. So he has changed his mind about another child and she is now screwed.

 

If you dont want another child then be honest with your wife, but expect the conversation to potentially go bad and do not assume that she wont leave you over this.

[bwright42tx]

So he has changed his mind about another child and she is now screwed.

 

Actually, she's not screwed.

 

But seriously, I feel sorry for your friend. It's difficult when people's major life goals/plans change after marriage. That's one vision my wife and I have always shared and has helped us have a successful marriage, we have the same vision of our family and our future.

 

I agree with the earlier poster, I think there is room for compromise here. Look into adopting an older child (4-5 year old), or have another child naturally after she gets the OK from a doctor, but only if you have a plan in place to address all of your concerns.

 

And make sure it's a plan she fully supports, not just something she is agreeing to for the sake of a 2nd child. To many people mistake agreement for support these days. She can support your compromise even if she doesn't fully agree with all of the details and all will be fine. But if she agrees, but then never supports the decision, there will be problems.

[Mcle]

I don't think you should have a kid you don't want. However, your wife is not "screwed" if she wants to have a big family she can leave you and marry someone who will give her that. Sounds like you need to work on your marriage.

[Lauriebell82]

 

• I don't want the financial burden.
  
• Her first pregnancy was rough. I know there's no guarantee her second will ALSO be rough. But no guarantee it won't, either.
  
• We still have trouble with sex. I can only imagine our second child would make this worse.
  
• I want us to be able to afford vacations.
  
• I don't want to be strapped for cash trying to put three kids through college.
  
• I have a hard time with kids between the ages of 18 months and three years. Babies are great. And after three you can start reasoning with them (at least, I could with my daughter). But I have a very hard time with toddler-hood. My 20-month old son is in full swing with the NO NO NO and the hitting and the swinging the cats around by their tails. Drives me crazy.
  

Okay, let's break these down.

 

 

Financial burden-yes, kids are expensive. Do you have a good job? Can you support another child? Or do you just not want to?

 

 

Rough first pregnancy-All pregnancies are different. She may struggle with symptoms, but maybe it won't be as bad. And now she knows what to expect so she can be better prepared on how to deal with it. Plus, she's the one who has to be pregnant, not you!

 

 

Problems with sex-Have you sought marriage counseling about this? It might help.

 

 

Vacations-Yes, another child will cost money but you can still go on vacations! Maybe not to some luxury island, but family vacations are fun aren't they?

 

 

Three kids in college-The kids can get loans, grants, scholarships, ect. Maybe your kids won't be interested in a traditional 4 year college. You won't have all three of them in college at the same time either. At most you will have two of them in college at the same time for maybe about a year.

 

 

Trouble with toddlerhood-You are talking about a year that you would have to put up with misbehavior...out of 18 years.

 

 

Bottom line, OP. These all sound like excuses. BUT, you are entitled to your feelings. Have you guys tried counseling? I have to say that the majority of these reasons CAN be worked out. It isn't a lost cause.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

whats your question exactly???????????????????????

 

i think its her that have to give birth so she should make the final decision some how.

and you both need to talk about it and make a choice, instead of discussing it every single day,

maybe planning it for later and going to the doctor to see your wifes condition can help.

 

Disagree. Birth is the easy part. The real work comes in raising them.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

whats your question exactly???????????????????????

 

i think its her that have to give birth so she should make the final decision some how.

and you both need to talk about it and make a choice, instead of discussing it every single day,

maybe planning it for later and going to the doctor to see your wifes condition can help.

 

Disagree. Birth is the easy part. The real work comes in raising them.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I went through a similar situation with my H after our 2 boys. I wanted a third. He was happy with 2.

 

We discussed this as rational adults (ie, did not run off for sneaky vasectomies or worry about me sabotaging birth control - if you are in this situation, then you already have serious issues in the marriage!).

 

The decision to have a child is not to be taken lightly. Which OP, you know. I felt that unless another baby was WANTED by my husband, I would not have one.

 

That being said. If he had said no, I would be heartbroken, as I felt I was supposed ot have one more child. We discussed it at length, and he wasnt feeling it as our second son was a lot of hard work. Still is at 3. He is 40 soon, and didnt really want to be an older father. Eventually I told him that if he was settled on 2 I would respect that, but it would take some time to get over it because it was that important to me.

 

2 days later he came back to me saying that the desire for me to have one obviously outweighed his indifference. He said he knew that any other child we may have would still be loved by him and he agreed that he wanted to hav one more baby.

 

We now have a 4 month old beautiful baby daughter. And she is the apple of Daddy's eye. Yes, some days its hard work, but the rewards outweigh that exponentially. And we keep reminding ourselves that this is the hardest time we will ever have in our family, that things will only get easier, and having our 3 babies is an investment into out future happiness which will continue to reap dividends.

 

Yep, on paper, lots of the time, the decision to have a child doesnt stack up. I honestly believe that if you cant afford to have kids, then you shouldnt. But from an emotional perspective, there might be some truth to the saying that you never regret the kids you have, but may regret the ones you didnt. ???

[Iguanna]

I'm sorry but I can't help but sympathize with the wife. I find it unfair that nature has given this "nature clock" only to women and not to men. This way women seem like b#$tches who use men like a sperm donor and men seem like insensitive people who only care for sex (we have a saying: marriage is the price men pay to have sex and sex is the price women pay to get married ). I'm not gonna say "it's her fault or it's your fault" cause in this you are a team, we don't care whose fault it is. Unfortunately this is a black and white situation, you either have another kid or not. Trying to be fair I will say that your wife shouldn't pay you having a kid already, if her dream is to have many kids, you have to respect that. I'm really sorry if I can't be objective, but I find your reasons against having another baby really unimportant compared to the need of a woman to have a kid... I agree that you have to talk about your sex life's problem though. If you were my husband I'm sure that I would be devastated if my husband would deny me another kid for such (stupid in my eyes) reasons.

[michelangelo]

whats your question exactly???????????????????????

 

i think its her that have to give birth so she should make the final decision some how.

and you both need to talk about it and make a choice, instead of discussing it every single day,

maybe planning it for later and going to the doctor to see your wifes condition can help.

 

They are a married couple and he pays for supporting the family. He already has two and they are half siblings.

 

She knew what she was getting into.

 

Didn't tho two of you (OP and wife) discuss how many kids to have beforehand?

 

Should have.

 

 

I have one strong objection to one of your wife's motivations, that "her" kid have a full sibling.

 

this is wrong on so many levels.

 

Right now, the two kids are on equal status. Add a third and guess which one will immediately be stepped down in status? Your first one!

 

If you don't want another kid then do not have one.

 

Just because she feels a strong instinct to breed doesnt mean she has to.

 

Like i said earlier, the conversation about family size should have been conducted earlier than now.

 

And as other posters noted, fix the marital issues first if you are considering another kid.

[Sparty97]

Okay, let's break these down.

 

 

Financial burden-yes, kids are expensive. Do you have a good job? Can you support another child? Or do you just not want to?

 

 

Rough first pregnancy-All pregnancies are different. She may struggle with symptoms, but maybe it won't be as bad. And now she knows what to expect so she can be better prepared on how to deal with it. Plus, she's the one who has to be pregnant, not you!

 

 

Problems with sex-Have you sought marriage counseling about this? It might help.

 

 

Vacations-Yes, another child will cost money but you can still go on vacations! Maybe not to some luxury island, but family vacations are fun aren't they?

 

 

Three kids in college-The kids can get loans, grants, scholarships, ect. Maybe your kids won't be interested in a traditional 4 year college. You won't have all three of them in college at the same time either. At most you will have two of them in college at the same time for maybe about a year.

 

 

Trouble with toddlerhood-You are talking about a year that you would have to put up with misbehavior...out of 18 years.

 

 

Bottom line, OP. These all sound like excuses. BUT, you are entitled to your feelings. Have you guys tried counseling? I have to say that the majority of these reasons CAN be worked out. It isn't a lost cause.

 

They don't sound like excuses, but legit reasons.

[Sparty97]

I'm sorry but I can't help but sympathize with the wife. I find it unfair that nature has given this "nature clock" only to women and not to men. This way women seem like b#$tches who use men like a sperm donor and men seem like insensitive people who only care for sex (we have a saying: marriage is the price men pay to have sex and sex is the price women pay to get married ). I'm not gonna say "it's her fault or it's your fault" cause in this you are a team, we don't care whose fault it is. Unfortunately this is a black and white situation, you either have another kid or not. Trying to be fair I will say that your wife shouldn't pay you having a kid already, if her dream is to have many kids, you have to respect that. I'm really sorry if I can't be objective, but I find your reasons against having another baby really unimportant compared to the need of a woman to have a kid... I agree that you have to talk about your sex life's problem though. If you were my husband I'm sure that I would be devastated if my husband would deny me another kid for such (stupid in my eyes) reasons.

 

The reasons may be stupid in your eyes, but to me the reason that "every child needs a sibling" is a stupid reason, as is the fact that she simply wants more... but to you, her desires are more important than his. Why?

[Iguanna]

The reasons may be stupid in your eyes, but to me the reason that "every child needs a sibling" is a stupid reason, as is the fact that she simply wants more... but to you, her desires are more important than his. Why?

 

Because: 1. He has already 2 kids, but she has 1. I know she knew this from the start, but he knew this from the start as well. 2. A woman can only have kids until she is 40-45 the most years old. A man can have kids for way more years. So in the hypothetical situation that they would some day split, he will still have the chance to have a kid with another woman while she will have lost her chances. 3. A kid is a blessing and having a sibling is REALLY important for a kid (I can tell cause I was an only child and I won't hide the fact that I'm spoiled :S). So her reason (the importance of a sibling) versus his reason (I don't want to pay for more colleges) seems to me way more important.

[Balzac]

Seems to me that the marriage needs to factor in three years of a

Fundi a FT nanny. Year#1 being the pregnancy to give relief for yourchild%2. Then at least 2 years of toddlerhood for child #3. Absent that, I don't see your marriage surviving.

 

Perhaps you work in finance? I'd say step one is to meet as a couple with a professional financial planner. I can totally embrace that at 41 career is well defined and potential future income versus 6 years of a down economy and for many - compromised future is reality.

 

From your objection list it seems that neither of 3 sets of grandparents is gifting for college. Not saying that should - just making note of resources.

 

Do you live in a typical US 'burb"??

Public education?

[oldshirt]

This is going to sound harsh but no child should be brought into the world without both parents fully on board. It should take two "yes" votes to have a child and only take one "no" vote not to have one.

 

In cases of one 'yes' and one 'no' vote, the no vote wins by default.

 

This is a free world and she has the right to divorce him and find another man willing to marry her and father another child.

 

He has the right to protect his own fertility matters.

 

My advice to him is to stand his ground and clearly state that his baby fathering days are behind him and that he will be heartbroken if she leaves him but that he understands. His marriage and his life as he now knows it would be over anyway if she has another baby with him either way.

 

I do disagree with him having a vasectomy without her knowledge. That's just plain underhanded, deceptive and manipulative and just plain wrong.

 

He should tell he is going to get one and why he is doing it and then do it with her knowledge even though she may be against it.

 

The right to nonparenthood is just as valid and as important as the right to parenthood.

[Moe'sTavern]

Because: 1. He has already 2 kids, but she has 1. I know she knew this from the start, but he knew this from the start as well. 2. A woman can only have kids until she is 40-45 the most years old. A man can have kids for way more years. So in the hypothetical situation that they would some day split, he will still have the chance to have a kid with another woman while she will have lost her chances. 3. A kid is a blessing and having a sibling is REALLY important for a kid (I can tell cause I was an only child and I won't hide the fact that I'm spoiled :S). So her reason (the importance of a sibling) versus his reason (I don't want to pay for more colleges) seems to me way more important.

 

Your first point about he already has 2 but she has 1 sounds like an argument a child would make. As for your point of the importance of siblings: That's really on a case by case basis. I know quite a few siblings that have either never gotten along or haven't spoken in over a decide. Having a close friend can at times mean more than a brother or sister.

Anyway, As has been mentioned already, no kid should be brought into the world if both parents aren't on board with it.

[Sparty97]

Because: 1. He has already 2 kids, but she has 1. I know she knew this from the start, but he knew this from the start as well. 2. A woman can only have kids until she is 40-45 the most years old. A man can have kids for way more years. So in the hypothetical situation that they would some day split, he will still have the chance to have a kid with another woman while she will have lost her chances. 3. A kid is a blessing and having a sibling is REALLY important for a kid (I can tell cause I was an only child and I won't hide the fact that I'm spoiled :S). So her reason (the importance of a sibling) versus his reason (I don't want to pay for more colleges) seems to me way more important.

 

So wanting to be careful and prudent with limited resources does not seem legitimate to you?