When to introduce me to the kids?

[thinkingofhim]

Hi all,

 

I looked through a few pages of threads but didn't really see anything for my question. My bf and I have been arguing on when I should meet his kids. He has 3, ages 2-11. He has been saying maybe I can meet the kids but not telling me when or making plans. I don't want to step on any toes but I was telling him that if we are going to be a family and if they are going to be my stepkids I want to meet them first (just as a family friend) so I can build a base and be a friend to them. When he introduces me to them as his gf I don't want them to be angry at me because I am a stranger. I prefer them to know me as a friend first and later on once the dust has settled we can date openly so the kids will already know and accept me.

 

What are your thoughts on this and when I should meet them? I don't think I should have to wait until some unspecified time far off in the future, they are going to be my stepkids so I want to start building a relationship with them now. Any thoughts appreciated, I do have one child btw (daughter age 2, father is an X) and my bf has been over several times to meet and play with her so she has met him and likes him.

 

Thanks for reading and any comments you may have.

[curiousGeorge2]

are you sure you are on the right forum? This is OM/OW which stands for other man/woman.

 

If he is still married, then the answer is no unless you want a lots of drama.

[thinkingofhim]

I am an OW currently but we are trying to plan for our future and think how best to handle the kids issue. I don't want to be a total stranger to them but have them like me before I "start" dating their dad.

[velvette]

I am an OW currently but we are trying to plan for our future and think how best to handle the kids issue. I don't want to be a total stranger to them but have them like me before I "start" dating their dad.

 

You don't need to be involved with his kids unless he gets a divorce.

[todreaminblue]

This is really up to the person who knows them best ...... you should wait until he tells you its time....i do agree in doing it pretty soon .....to be friends with them....i feel though you have to make sure this is truly a serious long lasting relationship before becomeing close to chidlren who have a break up in a family unit..th elast thing they woudl need is a strin gof persons non grata to get to know.......if you intend on being a family....take it slow.......you have time...make sure it lasts..the father should be able to prepare them ...day outings are a good way ...picnics...bush walks.....museums.......beach fun...scavenger hunts......planned activities to share and enjoy with no expectation other than just some good clean fun...no pressure....fun times.....give them a glimpse of fun....a childs mind is always up for it...rediscover yoru own sense of fun in the process....smiles will abound...dteb

[underwater2010]

I am an OW currently but we are trying to plan for our future and think how best to handle the kids issue. I don't want to be a total stranger to them but have them like me before I "start" dating their dad.

Quite simply you can meet his kids when his divorce is final and not before.

 

That is a bridge best left uncrossed. I never have understood the need of the OW/OM to inject themselves any further in a marriage than screwing the WS. The kids are innocent.....leave them that way.

[velvette]

When is his divorce final?

[bentleychic]

IMO, as an OW, you need to stay away from the kids until he has left the W and/or divorced. IF he actually leaves her, they are going to go through enough without realizing you were part of the catalyst to their parents divorce. DON'T push him on this. It is a line that you should not cross and if he's a good father, he will not allow you to cross it.

Edited February 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

You DO NOT meet children until D is final. Period.

 

How that relationship grows is on THEIR schedule and according to THEIR terms.

 

You are the OW...prepare yourself for ANY kind of response - most likely hatred.

 

Speaking from experience. I was 9 when my father left my mother for the OW. I hated her, hated her children, and refused to be a part of Dad's life when he was with her, thus affecting the relationship with my father. He is still married to her 25 years later. Perhaps it was meant to be. She actually is, for all intents and purposes, a nice lady, and good to her daughters. Still didnt stop me from railing against her until I was about 21. By then the relationship between my father and I was beyond repair, so I didnt care.

 

You'd better hope your MM is like mine and chooses his AP over his children...but then again, would you really want to be with someone who has it inside them to abandon their children. Food for thought.

[Raena]

As long as you are the OW, you should NOT meet the kids. As far as I'm concerned, you should wait quite a while after he leaves to bother trying to meet them too.

 

I say this because I'm coming from the position of my child. His father cheated on me, told me 3 weeks ago, is still living in the house and is planning on moving out this Friday. He plans on having his OW come live with him this weekend as well and thinks that he is going to introduce his child to her.

 

The reality is... it isn't what is best for our child. He thought his parents loved each other. He thought we were going to get married. It floored him and he turned into a puddle of tears when he was told that wasn't going to happen, that Daddy was leaving and moving out. He didn't take it well at all.

 

To add further insult to the situation by introducing a new woman to the situation is not ideal for him. It sends the wrong message.

 

I don't know what the whole story is with your situation but you must keep in mind that his children probably have no idea that you exist. Their world will crumble when they find out that their parents are splitting up. You should not push this issue with them until their parents feel they are ready to handle their father with a new woman. That will take time.

 

For me... I'm asking that he be with her for at least a year before introducing them. I have my reasons for that, mostly it is because I have a feeling that it isn't going to last. Either way, if he stays with her for a year, then I'll have a better idea that he is really committed to her and wants to be with her. That's MY situation. It may be different in your situation.

 

I hope I didn't come across as harsh, I'm trying very hard not to. I'm not currently very happy with the OW in my situation because of the way she has handled herself and the things she has said to and about me. I do however realize that you are not her.

 

Just please... do NOT push this issue. It isn't really about you, it's about what is best for them.

[thinkingofhim]

OK, I can see the consensus is to cool my jets for awhile. I know that some of you may feel strongly that way because of your own experience but trust me, I am not trying to "insert" myself into his marriage. I only want things to be easiest when we move forward. I know that when I was growing up it was hard for me to meet the people my parents were dating as they were strangers to me and I just felt it might be easier on his kids if I was someone they knew. I am ashamed to admit this now but I was pretty horrible to my mom's boyfriends as a kid, pretty sure I scared away a good one or two. I just want there to be as little friction possible when we become an open relationship after the divorce.

 

I will try to keep my calm and back off about meeting the kids for a while. I guess part of the reason I want to meet them is because I know the kids are a big part of his life and I feel a bit excluded by hearing about them but not getting to meet them..! I love kids and I am quite honestly looking forward to being able to meet them in the future.

[veggirl]

WTF? Why would you meet them before he is single?

 

No other woman that he would date post-divorce would know the kids prior to that so why should you?

 

I mean shoot they are more likely to accept you if you are a STRANGER during the divorce than if you are a REASON for the divorce! WTF kid wants to know Mary as daddy's friend and then learn that Mary is actually why mommy is no longer with daddy?

 

Maybe chill on the "stepkid" talks until there is actually a divorce and them being your stepkids is POSSIBLE. Right now it's not even CLOSE to happening.

[MissBee]

I am an OW currently but we are trying to plan for our future and think how best to handle the kids issue. I don't want to be a total stranger to them but have them like me before I "start" dating their dad.

 

I don't think this makes sense personally.

 

If you are currently the OW you should NOT meet them!

 

I mean even as a single woman, when I've dated single men with children, I do not expect to meet their kids quickly. Do you feel this will make you more legitimate or something why the rush?

 

You have all the time in the world to meet them later on. They don't need to like you before you start dating. Quite the opposite actually IMO. I don't think people who have kids and are dating, esp not divorced or those in affairs, should be introducing anyone to their kids until they have developed a stable relationship with their SO and can see them being around for a while, THEN they can have the kids meet them.

 

It doesn't seem you're anywhere near being their stepparent yet, so I would not worry about that. I would worry about the relationship standing on it's non-affair legs for a while and making sure you're stable in that before you allow them to meet the kids. Other OW have done the whole allow MM to meet the kids thing and then it blew up in their faces as he never left and all this other stuff.

 

The logic for me is: if you're a permanent, non-secret fixture later on, you will eventually meet them, there is no need to rush such a delicate thing esp if you are not even in an open R yet. There is no magic "before meeting" that is going to make things better, it actually can make it worse potentially.

Edited November 13, 2013 by MissBee

[velvette]

I agree with Miss Bee. You cant trick kids like that lol. They are much smarter than that. They will figure it out. If not now, then when they are 20.

 

Anyway, why would you want to trick them that way. There is no requirement for them to like you anyhow and you cant force that.

 

When is the divorce final? They probably need at least a year to adjust to that.

[whichwayisup]

I am an OW currently but we are trying to plan for our future and think how best to handle the kids issue. I don't want to be a total stranger to them but have them like me before I "start" dating their dad.

 

No, you ARE better off meeting them 'as a stranger' when he is officially divorced and you two can 'date' in a proper way out in the open, then slowly meet his kids a year after they are divorced.

 

It is selfish of you to push this on him and want to be around his kids, meet them now. it is NOT what is best for them at all. Sorry to be blunt. but, this is NOT about you and your comfort level.

 

You'll be lying and fooling those kids if you meet them now in a pretense that you are 'just' a family friend. You're not. To them, right now you're the enemy who stands between their parents and that IS how they will look at it in the future. Again sorry to be blunt but you need to hear stuff that is realistic and healthy.

[whichwayisup]

I just want there to be as little friction possible when we become an open relationship after the divorce.

 

Comparing your experience to his kids isn't fair. different times, different situation all the together and parenting is different as well.

 

How long do you think is fair to become 'open' after the D? Weeks, months, a year? Just wondering what you think is fair and best for his kids. Remember it IS all about them, not you. It's their adjustment of getting used to their little worlds changing, coping and learning how to get used to 2 households, not having both mom and dad around.

 

And, you also have to remember his ex, mom of their kids IS going to be around forever on some level so it's best to be wise and respectful... And not try to jump in, be step mom asap. That trust has to build over time.

 

They are not divorced yet so I think you're way ahead of yourself.

 

 

I will try to keep my calm and back off about meeting the kids for a while. I guess part of the reason I want to meet them is because I know the kids are a big part of his life and I feel a bit excluded by hearing about them but not getting to meet them..! I love kids and I am quite honestly looking forward to being able to meet them in the future.

You are not IN his family. Sorry again to be blunt. Affairs are not regular relationships, you know this, he knows this and that is why he doesn't want you meeting his kids until the D is final (I assume he's told you this), so respect that.

[thinkingofhim]

I am listening to everyone's comments, I did post here for advice after all. I think you all have some good points and I will back off about the kids for now. I guess I am just impatient to start "normalizing" things really. I have never been in an affair before so this is all stressful to me.

 

He has not filed for divorce yet since his wife is a stay at home mom and does not worrk currently. According to their agreement she is going to stay home until youngest is 3 and can go to preK at her dad's work. His company has a preK/daycare service but only for 3 and up, toilet trained kids. So we have a little under a year to go until she is able to look for work. She has a degree and should do fine reentering the workforce. But, my bf does not want to divorce right now while she is out of work because he is afraid she would get favored too heavily in custody (since she is a stay at home mom) and he would have to pay an unfair amount of alimony since she is not working.

 

Thanks all for your input even if it is blunt, this affair is new territory for me and I am trying to navigate it as carefully as I can.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry again, but since he hasn't filed at all, does his wife even know he's 'divorcing' her? Or is this just what he's told you?

 

Many MM future fake...Just saying if his actions don't meet his words, chances are he ain't divorcing and he's future faking to keep you into him.

[whichwayisup]

How long as your A been on going and when did he tell you he was filing for D? Also, is there an age difference between you two?

[Raena]

Oh wow... he hasn't even filed for divorce... nor asked you to be his wife and you are already calling yourself step-mom and wanting to meet his kids????? He is telling you he has to wait a year to file for divorce because he doesn't want to pay alimony? You do realize that in most states it takes at least a year after filing before the divorce is final too right? So you are looking at a minimum of 2 years before you should even allow yourself to meet his kids. By then his oldest will be 13 and certainly smart enough to put two and two together to connect you with the reasons why his/her parents divorced.

 

Maybe you are more like the OW in my situation than I originally thought after all. She seems to think she can walk in and suddenly be step-mom too.

 

I'm glad you are taking what people say to you on here seriously. You really must cool your jets and leave his kids alone.

 

BTW, there is no magic cure for how to introduce yourself to his children either.

[MissBee]

You're putting the cart before the horse thinkingofhim.

 

Initially people were confused about your thread and thought it was in the wrong place, then when we realized it was in the right place, we thought oh maybe you were a former OW now dating MM in a regular relationship...but at this point your MM is not divorced, as in, he has not filed for it because his wife is a stay at home mom. Okay, you're getting ahead of yourself here. Why would you think you could meet his kids now before he has even filed for divorce? I'm not trying to be rude but it seems bizarre that when you're still in an affair you'd think this a sensible and normal progression.

 

You want to normalize things but meeting the kids won't normalize it. It is not normal to be introduced to your dad's OW before he has even filed or told your mom he wants a divorce. Until MM gets a divorce this shouldn't be on the table. Worry about if the relationship will even make it to an open one before you fret about meeting the kids, as so far, you're not home safe yet, as right now it seems like you're in the hoping stage but have no concrete evidence that this will not be the usual affair that doesn't turn into more. Do you all have a time line?

[thinkingofhim]

We have been together for 9 months, in the last month we finally began seriously discussing our future and getting a game plan together. He has spoken to a lawyer just as a consult to learn more about the process but that is as far as it has gone. He doesn't want to disrupt their lives until, as I said, his wife has found work.

 

We are both in our 30s with an age difference of 7 years (he is older) if that is important. I don't think he is having a midlife crisis, I think he would choose a younger woman than me for that

[thinkingofhim]

And I am repeating, I am going to back off about meeting the kids! You all have some good points. Sorry, I suppose I am just getting a bit frustrated about the situation. I don't want to do anything stupid. Maybe this affair is making me crazier than I thought.

 

Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

[ScienceGal]

Three kids ages 2-11? That's a lot of child support. I don't think he's seriously considering divorce anytime soon, but I'm sure he likes that you think so. He can have his cake and eat it too. And you'll keep waiting as one year becomes another, then becomes another...

[velvette]

We have been together for 9 months, in the last month we finally began seriously discussing our future and getting a game plan together. He has spoken to a lawyer just as a consult to learn more about the process but that is as far as it has gone. He doesn't want to disrupt their lives until, as I said, his wife has found work.

 

We are both in our 30s with an age difference of 7 years (he is older) if that is important. I don't think he is having a midlife crisis, I think he would choose a younger woman than me for that

 

Oh yes.......that will be so much easier for her to handle the disruption of her life and her children's while she is starting a new job after staying home with children for 11 years. That makes no sense.