whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Let me ask you, does he still 'live life' with his wife? Family outings, celebrations, date nights? Do they sleep in the same bed? Have sex? Do you have proof that he's spoken to a lawyer? If it was agreed upon that she was going to be a stay at home mom, then he will have to pay her some alimony as well as child support. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 have you looked up future faking at all? this has huge red flags all over it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Three kids ages 2-11? That's a lot of child support. I don't think he's seriously considering divorce anytime soon, but I'm sure he likes that you think so. He can have his cake and eat it too. And you'll keep waiting as one year becomes another, then becomes another... I hate to burst your bubble, but I have to agree with this. If a man is going to divorce his wife, he just does it..And she is aware of it. My guess is, she is with the kids a lot and he got lonely, they weren't connecting as much as before and he looked elsewhere, met you and boom! The affair is happening. The thing is, the reality here that you must consider if he DOES in fact tell her he wants a divorce, it doesn't mean it'll happen. He hasn't seen her reaction, hasn't had to deal with the fallout. Losing everything, all that he's worked hard for. He hasn't had to deal with his crying kids wanting daddy.. Nothing is carved in stone. A 9 month affair vs a longish marriage and 3 kids...Do the math. Sometimes they do leave, it happens. But, you need to take a step back and also ask HIM questions. He more than likely stopped putting effort into his marriage, detached from his wife - But that doesn't mean the love is gone..It's just buried under resentment and bad communication. All which in turn could come out and he could realize he actually does love his wife and doesn't want to divorce. He may want to give his marriage a second chance before throwing in the towel, even more so if his wife wants to fight hard to keep him and their family intact. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thinkingofhim Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 I haven't read about future faking but I can guess what it is, lol. I don't know. I know that it seems he is in a difficult situation but people divorce all the time. I am OK with his reasons for staying married right now although the secrecy is starting to chafe. I am going to keep my eyes open but honestly other than being married (agh) and the limitations that requires he is the perfect boyfriend. I know everyone is going to tell me he is lying but he has told me that he no longer has sex with his wife and I do believe him for various reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 " I know everyone is going to tell me he is lying..." YEP. "...but he has told me that he no longer has sex with his wife and I do believe him for various reasons." NOPE. .............................r.........u...........n.................a.....w......a......y.....................now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I haven't read about future faking but I can guess what it is, lol. I don't know. I know that it seems he is in a difficult situation but people divorce all the time. I am OK with his reasons for staying married right now although the secrecy is starting to chafe. I am going to keep my eyes open but honestly other than being married (agh) and the limitations that requires he is the perfect boyfriend. I know everyone is going to tell me he is lying but he has told me that he no longer has sex with his wife and I do believe him for various reasons. It's relatively easy to be a perfect part time boyfriend in an A context. In any case thinkingofhim, keep your eyes open and be watchful of his actions towards his divorce and don't allow yourself to be like every other OW whose MM is supposedly divorcing but inevitably doesn't. It can indeed work out, and if he is serious, his actions overtime will provide more and more evidence for it. For now though, nothing you've said sounds tangible beyond the usual sweet talk and promises that keep the OW hanging on. I also would not advise you to have him too involved in your daughter's life until he is divorced and your full time boyfriend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Um, is this real life????? I dunno...this just seems Fakey naive....like a fire starter thread. And the lol made me twitch...I wonder why that is? Anyhow, stay away from the kids. No one reacts well to finding out the AP was around their kids...that takes pissed to a whole new level of losing your ****...so unless you don't mind watching your back all the time, learn your place as the ow...and that place is no where near the kids. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I still don't understand why you would argue with the Father of these children. It seems like a huge boundary to cross. I can understand you asking, but to argue? He is their father, you are not equals in regard to his children. This dynamic will always be present. ALWAYS. Blended families are more work than natural families. Too often a step parent tries to become the parent. In those cases, the blended family is doomed. Either the relationship between the adults suffer, or the relationships with the children suffer. Most parents will choose their children in the end. For the step parent who has different views on parenting the choice will always be, either accept the differences or end the relationship. Because the arguing will end the relationship much faster than that between two natural parents. Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Have I got it right that he's still living with his wife and pretending to his wife that he's faithful? If so, there's no way he's going to let you meet his kids any time soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 This is absolutely hilarious, in a kind of tragic way. I don't mean I'm laughing at you, it's just.... wow. You really think he's going to leave his wife don't you? Oh dear. When the youngest is 3, there'll be another excuse. And you still won't have met them, because he has no intention of you ever being their stepmother. So to advise you on your original post - yes, you need to back off with the request that you do meet them. Get over the first hurdle of him sticking to his word first. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thinkingofhim Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 Thanks again everyone, like I said last night, I'm giving up on meeting the kids until post-divorce so everyone can settle down. Thanks for your input you have given me some things to think about. Since my original question is resolved I am just going to read some other threads, no need to continue here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I actually had it written into my divorce agreement that we (ex and I) are to discuss with each other before introducing our children to any significant others. It is definitely premature to be around the kids, and have him around yours before his divorce. You never know if it is really going to work out until all divorces are over and your relationship moves forward. Why get the kids attached to other adults who may only be temporary. Not a good message. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I am listening to everyone's comments, I did post here for advice after all. I think you all have some good points and I will back off about the kids for now. I guess I am just impatient to start "normalizing" things really. I have never been in an affair before so this is all stressful to me. He has not filed for divorce yet since his wife is a stay at home mom and does not worrk currently. According to their agreement she is going to stay home until youngest is 3 and can go to preK at her dad's work. His company has a preK/daycare service but only for 3 and up, toilet trained kids. So we have a little under a year to go until she is able to look for work. She has a degree and should do fine reentering the workforce. But, my bf does not want to divorce right now while she is out of work because he is afraid she would get favored too heavily in custody (since she is a stay at home mom) and he would have to pay an unfair amount of alimony since she is not working. Thanks all for your input even if it is blunt, this affair is new territory for me and I am trying to navigate it as carefully as I can. This whole thought process makes my skin crawl. Seriously? And I'm a fOW. The fact that he has thought out this plan, down to the toilet training of his youngest...in order to get the best financial/custodial outcome in a divorce of which his wife is unaware...SCARY. I would be more sympathetic toward some poor schmuck who fell so head over heel in love with an OW that he gave his wife all and took a crap settlement to be with his "soulmate"...because he to make this as right "as possible." Your man is, well, seriously cold hearted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I will say that my MM has met my kids, but we were friends way before the A dynamic (and many years before I even got divorced myself, though we never crossed any boundaries until after I separated) and I am single. I'm okay with him knowing the kids, the kid's dad (exH) is okay with that and so is MM. I will attest to the fact that kids are WAY smarter and pick up on way more than you may think they will. If you think you can meet the kids and they won't go home and tell mom about it, you're very wrong. Especially at those young impressionable ages. I won't even think of meeting his kids until HE is ready and thinks his kids are and they are adults that are not even his W's kids. When/if I get to meet them is his call completely and I prefer it to be quite a while after they're separated. Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 There are two things you need to consider here: 1. Experts recommend that parents wait at least a year after divorce before introducing a new partner to the kids. Even when a divorce is smooth-sailing and amicable, it still takes a long time for kids of any age to adjust. The one thing children need after a major change is some form of stability. Introducing a new partner too soon can cause a lot of confusion and adjustment problems, especially for younger kids. Meeting the kids before the D as a "friend" will not make the transition smoother for them. It will only confuse them. They will not welcome someone new coming into either parent's life, regardless of how nice, friendly, and awesome you are. They will only see you as an object in the way of getting their parents back together. 2. In many places, affairs can affect custody decisions. In theory, the fact that one parent had an affair is enough to matter. In practice, affairs only matter when the WS has introduced the AP to the kids. Introducing you to the kids before they are separated or divorced is a bad move on his part because the courts will not look favorably on it should the A come to light. Link to post Share on other sites
Journee Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 OP I met my father's Other Women under the guise that they were his friends too. One of them had a daughter my age and became my best friend. Another I attended birthday parties of her children. When I found out that the whole time they were smiling in my face that they were sleeping with my father and plotting the divorce that never happened I instantly hated them. Not just for taking part in the hopes of dismantling the only family I had ever known (I was adopted as a child) but for almost tricking me into liking them and trusting them. Really believing they had my best interest at heart. Not the case. Their concern was for what would make their wants more attainable. Then to realize that my mother was a pawn to them. To be moved out of the way when the time was right? I had never been more disgusted with a person I loved. I did love these women. I trusted them. I actually told my mother she was silly to think that my dad would cheat with his " friends". I feel like I betrayed my own mother for trying to convince her otherwise. What did I know? I was just a kid being lied to and manipulated so that the A could continue. Don't do that to his children because there is a thin line between love and hate. They could love you tomorrow and you break their heart when the truth comes out. They will feel like they betrayed their mother by loving you under false pretenses. You are helping to hurt their mother. Where do you think their loyalty lies? Every OW that is sitting by while their MM "plans" to blindside the BS should think on this. Even if it's years from now. The truth can surface in so many ways. Your relationship with them is built on the backs of their pain and that of their mother's. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 And I am repeating, I am going to back off about meeting the kids! You all have some good points. Sorry, I suppose I am just getting a bit frustrated about the situation. I don't want to do anything stupid. Maybe this affair is making me crazier than I thought. Thanks for letting me vent a bit. I would think that meeting the kids would be the least of your worries right now. Are you willing to stick around for about a year and wait for him to move forward? You do realize that divorce takes a minimum of 5-6 months. That is saying that both parties are ready and willing. Do you both realize that his income will be hit both by alimony (yes even if she is working) and child support? Do you realize that your income would be considered if he marries you? Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I would think that meeting the kids would be the least of your worries right now. Are you willing to stick around for about a year and wait for him to move forward? You do realize that divorce takes a minimum of 5-6 months. That is saying that both parties are ready and willing. Do you both realize that his income will be hit both by alimony (yes even if she is working) and child support? Do you realize that your income would be considered if he marries you? This isn't actually true in all areas. Only a few states actually factor in a combined household income, PA being one of them. I pull in about 60K more than my husband and we are both making well over six figures. My income is not factored in for child support or alimony in my state. I checked. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 OP - I am a former OW who is now married to my MM. I did something similar to you as it was a year affair with him leaving. I did push for many things that are "outside the norm" based on the fact that it was a regular relationship for me and the hoop jumping was his issue, not mine. But the one area that I do regret was I met his oldest child during the affair. It was one day, for a couple hours, and it has had continuing ripple effect. Please do not meet the kids until the separation agreement is signed and delivered. He was separated for about a year and a half and it was another two years before I met his other kids. This is one area you don't want to rush and has a good likelihood of backfiring if there is a dday. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 Oops....I forgot the could....sorry....my bad. I still think that she consider all of this prior to decide whether or not she should push to meet the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 Its a tough deal.... Even under ideal conditions, many of the "new" gf's are usually mistreated and crapped on by the kids..It might not be fair, but it is what it is...What I have heard is that the BS or divorced woman will deliberately portray the new woman in bad light....So she winds up being mocked an disrespected. Happened to one of my employees...It got so bad for her that she left the relationship, because she knew he wasnt going to turn on his kids... I would tread very lightly here..as the others have said.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 (edited) Seriously tho, AP should stay far away from the kids...and what raina said is.pretty.much how a BS would react. AP may not like to hear it, but it is real, it is there, and kids should be off limits by any AP. Its bad enough that the BS has to deal with a cheating spouse, but to find out your kids were around the AP? Like I said in a previous post, that can lead to extreme.anger amd losing your ****.... Edited November 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Journee Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 This is something that OP should seriously take into account through her process, although I doubt at this time she will be willing to consider anything other than current events as they are all consuming in the throes of the affair unfortunately. As an aside journee, perhaps you have, or would consider creating a thread of your own to highlight what you have illustrated here, because it is crucial to understanding how affairs affect those who are the most innocent. Our children. I have thought about starting a thread. One of the OW's daughter (the girl that was my good friend because of our introduction) contacted me recently on social media wanting to meet for lunch in our hometown. Even nearing 30 years of age the A makes me uncomfortable. I feel like if I met this old friend I would be betraying my mother. Like I'm 13 years old again. Crazy. It doesn't look like OP is coming back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
emmalee Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 OP, if you are still here, I would love to know why you believe he will leave? And I really hope you take the advice to heart and stay away from the kids, although by the sound of it he isn't going to give you a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 We have been together for 9 months, in the last month we finally began seriously discussing our future and getting a game plan together. He has spoken to a lawyer just as a consult to learn more about the process but that is as far as it has gone. He doesn't want to disrupt their lives until, as I said, his wife has found work. We are both in our 30s with an age difference of 7 years (he is older) if that is important. I don't think he is having a midlife crisis, I think he would choose a younger woman than me for that Ohhhhh lord. Don't hold your breath, he's obviously coming up with as many excuses as possible to avoid leaving his wife. This is so typical it's almost laughable. Then once his wife finds a job there'll be another reason why he can't leave, and on and on it goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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