Disgusted Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 My daughter has been with this man who is about 17 years older than her for 4 years now. They're going to have a baby girl any day now, and he repulses me. He was a heroin addict in his early to mid twenties and is still on methadone (a large dose) almost 30 years later. His teeth are black, but his face doesn't show any real sighs of aging other than that. He has scars on his arms. They were worried my granddaughter may have a birth defect due to his drug use, but now they think she will be ok. The people they hang out with also were drug buddies of his, I'm pretty sure some of them are still users. These are not the kind of people I want my daughter around let alone my granddaughter. He doesn't wear short sleeves around me because of track scars, and perhaps new marks, and always jokes about past use. My daughter never used drugs and I'm always trying to figure out why she got involved with someone like this... I just don't think it's a good environment. How do I deal with this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disgusted Posted November 13, 2013 Author Share Posted November 13, 2013 She's in her 30's and he's in his 50's. I've been trying to discourage their relationship since it began, but she tells me he's a "wonderful partner and sweet" I have a hard time believing that about someone like him. Once when She wasn't around, he told me he hasn't been that person for a long time, yet he's still on methadone and looks horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 If he's been clean for so long & he's telling you that he hasn't been "that person" for a long time, after 4 years maybe it's time to start believing him. Obviously keep your eyes open but try to see past his disfigurments. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bluedays Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 This is very tough, but there is really nothing you can do other than give a hand when your daughter needs it and support. The most you can do is give her advice and its up to her to take it other than that there is really nothing you can do. I can honestly sympathize with you because its hard seen your baby girl with someone like this and even more your granddaughter. But be strong, be supportive because its really up to your daughter. best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disgusted Posted November 14, 2013 Author Share Posted November 14, 2013 Lordy. I see 18 years of DYFS/Social Services calls, lawsuits, lawyers battling between you and your daughter, fighting, yelling, screaming, a huge wedge driven between you and your daughter, many sleepless nights worrying about your grandchild's health, safety, and well-being, and eventually, thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars when you eventually seek custody. It really is a crying shame that so many young women today just put no thought or concern at ALL into the polluted gene pools they insist on wading in. Ugh. Good luck to you, OP, Hopefully not with her... I don't think she would let anything happen to my granddaughter, he's the one I worry about. I worry about him putting them both in danger. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 They were worried my granddaughter may have a birth defect due to his drug use, but now they think she will be ok. This is unusual. Can you elaborate? Other than his black teeth, his methadone maintenance, and your assumptions about his friendship group, are there any other things that bother you about him? Is he good to your daughter? Gainful employment? Respectful? Stable? If he has been with your daughter for four years now and about to start a family with her, it might be time to put aside the judgement and accept them as family. Your daughter seems happy, and while I can certainly understand your concern, I think it best to put this to rest as much as possible, and be the loving and supporting person that they need right now. Your adult daughter needs to make her own choices in life - just be there for her as her mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disgusted Posted November 14, 2013 Author Share Posted November 14, 2013 This is unusual. Can you elaborate? Other than his black teeth, his methadone maintenance, and your assumptions about his friendship group, are there any other things that bother you about him? Is he good to your daughter? Gainful employment? Respectful? Stable? If he has been with your daughter for four years now and about to start a family with her, it might be time to put aside the judgement and accept them as family. Your daughter seems happy, and while I can certainly understand your concern, I think it best to put this to rest as much as possible, and be the loving and supporting person that they need right now. Your adult daughter needs to make her own choices in life - just be there for her as her mother. If a father is a methadone user, it has a chance to cause birth defects in a child due to damaged sperm. His dosage is quite high and that was concerning. He does have a job where he makes an average wage and owns the house he and my daughter share. I've never seen or heard of him treating her badly, and my son is fond of him. He's not rude to me but does make me uncomfortable when he talks about drugs. Or jokes about them. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 (edited) If a father is a methadone user, it has a chance to cause birth defects in a child due to damaged sperm. His dosage is quite high and that was concerning. Methadone can damage the development and quality of sperm. This does not translate to causing birth defects. It generally results in decreased fertility or early miscarriage. As far as I am aware, methadone use in the father is not linked to birth defects in any human studies. Animal studies have shown a link to low birth weight, but again, human studies have not shown this. He does have a job where he makes an average wage and owns the house he and my daughter share. I've never seen or heard of him treating her badly, and my son is fond of him. He's not rude to me but does make me uncomfortable when he talks about drugs. Or jokes about them. He owns a house. He has a stable job. By all accounts, he treats your daughter well, and she is happy. Your son is fond of him. He is polite and respectful towards you. Your harsh judgement and somewhat hateful posts towards this man seem unwarranted from where I'm sitting. Politely tell him that the talk about drugs makes you uncomfortable, and I'm sure he'll be happy to stop. It is okay to have some concern regarding his previous addiction and to feel protective of your daughter, but your prejudice and disgust towards him is only going to be toxic for your family. You are "repulsed" by this man solely due his behaviour 30 years ago, and his methadone maintenance. I think you need to balance your judgement a bit. A new baby is coming, and this guy is here to stay - time to look at the positives, instead of focusing solely upon the negatives. You'll all be much happier that way Edited November 14, 2013 by almond 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 Just ask him not to make jokes about it around you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disgusted Posted November 14, 2013 Author Share Posted November 14, 2013 I know he's used cocaine since they've been together... That worries me. When the whole bath salts thing happened he joked he needed some. People who were addicts will always be addicts. One thing I tell myself is he's good to her and is excited for the baby. Those should be most important. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disgusted Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 My granddaughter is here, she's just beautiful I asked him to stop talking about drugs and he said he would, but now he's just gotten sarcastic towards me. My son flew in and I walked in the hospital room where they were both speaking and he says "oh shhh we can't talk about it anymore, your mom is here so I'll get in trouble." I thought that was uncalled for. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 eh, so what? You're taking it too personally. Just smile and say 'Thanks! I appreciate it!' and go on about your business. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Sounds like you judge him for being on methadone. That is very wrong of you. He found something that works for him and he is not out shooting dope. I admit that I wouldnt be thrilled about my daughter starting a family with a recovering heroin addict, but if he was clean and took care of her then I would try to find a way to accept it. You need to accept it or you may risk not being a part of your granddaughters life. Is that what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 My granddaughter is here, she's just beautiful I asked him to stop talking about drugs and he said he would, but now he's just gotten sarcastic towards me. My son flew in and I walked in the hospital room where they were both speaking and he says "oh shhh we can't talk about it anymore, your mom is here so I'll get in trouble." I thought that was uncalled for. Congrats! Again, I have to say that you dont have control over the situation. You dont have to love him, just find a way to be respectful and civil and stop fighting their relationship. Concentrate on your granddaughter! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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