Questions from the OW to the ones who have been cheated on...

[Leaf]

As I try to make sense of what has happened in my life and am trying to do the right thing.. I do wonder (just read another thread that made me think of this)....

 

How do you, the cheated on ones go on with your lives? How do you rebuild the trust that your spouses have shattered. I think we can all learn alot from one another here.

 

As the OW.. I know what he is telling me everyday.. i can only imagine what he is telling her.. but I KNOW he is still lying to her. How can you ever trust that person again? Now that I know some of the things I know about my xMM, some of the things he has done.. I am totally discusted. The decit is more than you all will ever know. Hell, we as the OW dont know most of what is going on but we know alot more then you are ever allowed to know.... We believe that these men/woman love us and that the situation is what keeps us apart. But for you guys, You are with someone who is looking for a way out .. and you take them back.

 

Why?

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Leaf

But for you guys, You are with someone who is looking for a way out .. and you take them back.

 

Why?

 

 

LOVE

 

.....and the conviction I have for my marriage. Its a two-way street. Fortunately my wife has re-commited to making things right.......like she said....if she wanted out....she never would have started the recovery....she would have left on D-day....but she didnt....so it tells me she wants to be here.....

 

 

What keeps me going?....FAITH IN GOD.......becasue He already knows the out come....and if I trust Him....he will show me the way.........and what ever the outcome is......stay married or divorce.....I know in my heart that it was meant to be. As hard as it would be for the latter.....its something I would accept.

 

 

IF I did not feel she was re-commited....then....because I love her.....I would make the decision to leave. Because as I said....its a 2 way street.....and if she was still unhappy, then I guess becasue I love her, i would let her go.....I culd not stay if I did not get reciprocated love.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Leaf

How do you, the cheated on ones go on with your lives? How do you rebuild the trust that your spouses have shattered. I think we can all learn alot from one another here.

 

 

Its a healing process. Its something you do day by day. Its been 5 months for me. And I can say that after all I have been through emotional, I am a much better person today than I was 3 years ago....3 months ago...and 3 weeks ago. It gets easier with time.

 

BUT....if the wayward spose does not put forth effort, then i would imagine that they realy dont want to and want out....then the betrayed spose would have to re-evaulate the situ. Why stay in something that is not reciprocated?....they stay and try because they are still in love.

 

BUT at times the wayward spose may also be in the "FOG"...and not really aware of what they want. So TRYING recovery has to be a fisrt step to SEE if they really want to stay....then after time....they still dont feel for there SO....then they would have to make a decision....stay or move on.

[Owl]

I can't speak for anyone else here...and my situation is not like most cases. My wife didn't get the chance to be with her OM physically...she had an online emotional affair, and when it came down to it, was packed up and ready to fly off to move in with a man she'd never met in person.

 

With that said, a lot of what I feel and am dealing with still pertains.

 

TRUST- It can never be exactly the same. The innocent belief that she's better than anyone else and will never lie to me when it matters is gone, and will never be back. But, I won't ever trust ANYONE like that again, will I? (Guess its kind of like losing your virginity...you only have it once, and when its gone, its gone.). BUT...I still know that I could tell when she was lying then...and I could tell if she starts lying again.

 

What happened in our case has only happened ONCE. If I honestly thought it was happening again, I'd cut my losses and leave her. Because I couldn't take that pain twice...and obviously, that would tell me that she needs someone else more than she needs me.

 

I can take her back, and work on re-building what we have because what we had for the 16 years prior to this was pretty damn good. It's worth fighting for. Its worth trying to work through the hurt to rebuild...and in a lot of ways what we've started to re-build is looking like it could be even better...cause we know what mistakes we made the first time.

 

I can't imagine how someone can trust a person who has done this multiple times...I've not been in that boat myself, so I wouldn't know that.

 

That same faith in God that Thumbing refers to plays a huge role in my case as well...because when this all came to a head in my life, I prayed to God a lot! And I didn't ask Him for my wife back...I simply asked Him to make happen what He wanted to happen. I asked for the strength to work through everything if it was what He wanted...and for the strength to let her go if that is what He wanted.

 

And while its only been about seven months since our "D day"...things are going a LOT better than they were for months prior to it. And again, my situation wasn't nearly as involved as a lot that I've read here...

[Leaf]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond to me. I am so sorry that you both had to go through what you did. And for what its worth, I think the online emotional relationship is just as impactful if not more so, then the in person relationship.

 

I know all relationships are different and I know that when you weight the good vs the bad it gives you the strength to fight for your relationship. I cant speak for all the OW/OM here who have had long-term affairs, but I know we go through the same process. I dont say this to spark any ill feelings or to hurt you all in any way, just trying to be honest with you, as I said I think we can learn alot from one another.

 

I am not sure if your spouses are still in contact with their OM/OW, but if you found out they had done it again, would you leave at that point?

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Owl

What happened in our case has only happened ONCE. If I honestly thought it was happening again, I'd cut my losses and leave her. Because I couldn't take that pain twice...and obviously, that would tell me that she needs someone else more than she needs me.

 

I would leave too....no way I am going thru this again.....if she ever cheated again....I would have to accept that I am not the one for her.

 

I can take her back, and work on re-building what we have because what we had for the 16 years prior to this was pretty damn good. It's worth fighting for. Its worth trying to work through the hurt to rebuild...and in a lot of ways what we've started to re-build is looking like it could be even better...cause we know what mistakes we made the first time.

 

EXACTLY......it deserves a chance...

 

 

I asked for the strength to work through everything if it was what He wanted...and for the strength to let her go if that is what He wanted.

 

AMEN brotha!

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Leaf

I am not sure if your spouses are still in contact with their OM/OW, but if you found out they had done it again, would you leave at that point?

 

in my situ, my wife had a ONS. But that was just the outcome of years of not meeting my wifes emo needs. The outcome became reality because her thinking it was OK to do what she did, because she didnt think I cared anymore. PLUS there are ALOT of other issues that led up to what she did.....it was years in the making.....its wasnt all because I didnt meet her needs.....she was in a place in her life where she just didnt know what she wanted.....call it midlife crisis i guess...a phase...I dunno....

 

but to answer your question.....YES - I would leave if she ever did this again. BUT I know that if I put 100% into making things right...and she still did it again....then I would know she dont want what we have built together...and I would let her go. I would not try again. No way.

[Leaf]

Sorry Noob here.. whats an ONS?

[Barby]

I have not been cheated on but I think it's like TMW said, if the spouse who was cheating wanted to leave (regardless of what he tells his "OW") then he would in fact do that, even if he waited until the wife found out. He would choose to be with the woman he "loves" so clearly that states that he must "love" his wife.

 

 

How unlikely is it that a "cheated on spouse" would "make" her husband (assuming her husband cheated and not the other way around) stay...no one can make another stay by force...and the likelyhood he would stay like a zombie, no emotion toward his wife, ect is slim to none.

 

 

He is probably making love to her, making up to her, telling her how dumb he was, how he had moments of weakness, how he didn't realize how much he loved and needed her until he almost lost her, how he couldn't live without her, ect, ect, ect.

 

 

You know the same thing he tells the "OW" as well?!!

 

 

Sorry but using common sense it's pretty obvious the cheated on spouse chooses to stay because they love their spouse and because the spouse is asking for another chance to "work on the marriage"

 

Just my 2 "common" cents.

[Owl]

I've got to second TMW's comments too...if it were to happen again, or if I were to find out that it never ended in the first place, I'd be gone. My wife knows this too...and she clearly knows that I mean that as well...because she's never seen me this hurt in our 17 years together.

[izzybelle]

How unlikely is it that a "cheated on spouse" would "make" her husband (assuming her husband cheated and not the other way around) stay...no one can make another stay by force...and the likelyhood he would stay like a zombie, no emotion toward his wife, ect is slim to none.

 

let me preface this by saying that this is stuff my exMM told me....so, i understand that. there can be all kinds of threats made that may make a WS stay and try to work, or perhaps more approprately stated so that she can say "she won." i'm sorry if that offends anyone, but in my case i do believe that had a lot to do with it. my ex MM's wife threatened many things incl. financial stuff, ruining his relationship with his kids, refusing to help their daughter with a house she wanted, used catholic guilt...pretty much pulled out all the stops from what i've gathered. no where in that did i ever get the impression that she wanted him to stay out of love, or even that she really intends to work on the marriage (she routinely told him she hated the sight of him, he made her life miserable and was going to leave him when their youngest left-this all before i was in the picture) in many ways i don't think she cared so much about the marriage as she did making him give me up. sort of the she's miserable so why should he be happy approach. i don't know where they stand. personally unless things have changed drastically, i'll predict they'll be back in the same place years from now. but unless i see divorce papers, i'm out. i still love him and like many of the BS, i think that's the reason we "hang on" or "hang in there" longer than we should. i know the situations are drastically different, but deep love, is deep love and i think even as OWs we're willing to forgive some of the lies, but not all of them. but yes, it is easier for us to walk away in many respects, but as we all know, it still hurts like HEL*!!!

 

leaf - how'd you do with the f'ball game on last night? were you able to watch?

[Leaf]

as much as I hate to admit this... He asked me to watch it with him and I did. We didnt really watch it tho..mostly talked. I just really wanted to see where his head was. ..and of course, he was really gentle with me.. was a big flirt, the whole nine-yards. I dont understand him, I never will I think. I am not going to lie and say that I didnt enjoy hearing him be so sweet with me.. but again... Its only words. Like you said... until I see some sort of action take place.. I will remain guarded and distant from him. As time goes on, I the distance will be what gets me over this, if that is possible.

[Barby]

I find it sad and disturbing how people tend to "shelter" themselves into believing their "MM" can't leave because "big bad wifey" just won't have it!

 

PLEASE! There are court systems and yes (public defenders) to make sure that he can continue to see his kids, no matter what the situation, AND he can and probably will keep most of his (or at least 1/2) his assets...

 

If LOVE for his "OW" was sooooooooooooo important then he would find a way to do these things, and she (The "OW) would understand and stand by her man through poorness, and troubles going to court, ect.

 

 

There is no way one human being can MAKE another one DO anything short of holding a weapon to their head. (NO NOT AN EMOTIONAL WEAPON)

 

It's unhealthy to believe that the "big bad wifey" is making your "MM" stay home, because let me tell you, she couldn't "MAKE" him stay faithful so there is NO WAY she can "MAKE" him stay at home!

 

 

Why would you think she wants her husband just so she can say she "WON" she probably LOVES him hello? Does that not register? Why do people think only "OW" love these men..the wives have probably many many more years than the "OW"

 

I apologize for sounding so harsh, "OW" say "you just don't understand" but come on...common sense makes one be able to understand these things!

[Owl]

Leaf-

 

I'm not sure, but has his wife asked him to break off all contact with you?

 

You might consider telling him pretty point blank that you don't want him with the way things are going now. He's not being fair to you (because he's still with her), and he's not being fair to his wife (cause he's still pursuing you). Tell him to take six months off and go work on his marriage...and if what the two of you share REALLY is a true love, then will six months matter to how you feel??? If he's still not happy after doing his best to work out things with her...then he'd be a damn fool if he didn't divorce her and come back to you, now wouldn't he?

 

Six months alone would be lousy, I've not one bit of doubt. BUT, in the end, you'd get what you want...either he'd be in your life completely, or he'd be out of your life completely.

 

Ultimatums suck...and may or may not stick. Just tell him that you need him to have his OWN proof of what he wants...and this is how he can get it.

 

Honestly, I really think the reason the NC between my wife and her OM stuck finally was because HE told her "I respect what you two are doing to rebuild your marriage...so please stop contacting me.". Hell...I hate his guts, but even I have to respect what he did there at the end.

[izzybelle]

barby,

i'm sure it wasn't meant to come across the way it did, but the attitude isn't all that helpful... sorry, you won't often find things from me on here like that but ....

 

you don't know him, at least as far as i know, and there are people out there who would stay for those reasons. just like they'll stay for the kids. yes, there are courts out there that can ensure that he will see his kids (his are older so that's not the real issue) the main issue is one that the courts have touble upholding....the emotional damage that she could try to cause. yes, there are things that you sign saying that you won't try to damage your ex's relationship with their kids....but face it, not many are going to drag an ex to court over that. and without knowing the financial situation, you can't automatically say that he'd get half, i've been through it and it's not that cut and dry. don't much care if you believe what he told me, it makes no difference to me. and you know what? some people are just afraid. sure, i could say that if he loved me enough he would have left...but it's more complicated than that. if love was the ONLY thing ever involved in these situations, i think the divorce rate would be higher than it is. would a man give up true love to save his threatened relationship with his kids? i think so.

[Barby]

Maybe YOUR situation is like this, okay so he did the stand up thing and stayed with his family, but I don't think this type of "excuse" or "reasoning" applies to all MM and their "OW" and they shouldn't lower themselves into believing it is....

 

On another thread (as gross as it sounds) and I KNOW in some situations this IS NOT the case...another poster kinda summed up what some (if not most) MM and "OW" situations really honestly boil down to...

 

 

Originally posted by Squid Jigger

The OW just need to understand their place in the world. Nasty panties and sweet little bras make everyone happy. It's true. and of course the little wifey is not sexy or attractive . That's why he's got some better tasting p**sy on the side. Gee , I would have thought evryone was clear on the concept.

 

 

Now remember I'm not saying ALL situations are like this I'm sure there are some "true love" with the "OW" situations but what if most of them boil down to what "squid jigger" said and that's why they never leave? Try that on for size..

[Leaf]

Originally posted by Owl

Leaf-

 

I'm not sure, but has his wife asked him to break off all contact with you?

 

 

No she hasn't... which I find VERY odd. He told her that I was going to be in his life, that we (he and I) are too close to throw our "friendship" away. Like.. HELLO??!?!?! Wake up girl! I think she is doing this as an act of good faith... one in which he is not respecting.

 

My first attempt at no contact with him came saturday when I told him goodbye. That it was time to say its all over and to give him the chance to fix his marriage. That resulted in him begging me to be patient, that what he wanted was me. Like I have said before.. I think he wants her to leave him, that way the decision is made for him. But I dont want him if thats the way its going to happen. Oh she left me, now I can be with you 100% of the time...come on.. I do have some dignity... and what kind of life will we have? I can only IMAGINE him bringing me home for the holidays.. Hi Mom! This is my new GF.. yes she has been my mistress for a year and a half... Ya, I'm gonna be really popular... *sigh*

[izzybelle]

yup...saw the squid thing too, interesting common peception and somewhat disgusting! and unfortunately, i'm sure in some cases sad but true.

 

and yes, you're right all situs are different.

 

and i know (more back on topic) both OWL and TMW said they wouldn't give their spouses another chance if they cheated again. i do know some that have.... and you really do have to wonder why?

[Leaf]

Yup, because they allow it to happen. We get chited for our role... but they MM/MW pretty much gets away with their behaviour. They get taken back, forgiven..and when the W/H looks the other way.. they are back at it. makes no sense.

[Owl]

I'm not sure why someone would stay after multiple affairs...other than the desperate hope that it will all go away, and things will be like they were before it all happened.

 

Why do some OW/OM stay for years with someone KNOWING that they'll never leave their spouses?

 

Why do some OM/OW's get involved REPEATEDLY with MM/MW???

 

Human nature often doesn't make a darn bit of sense.

[Barby]

Originally posted by Owl

I'm not sure why someone would stay after multiple affairs...other than the desperate hope that it will all go away, and things will be like they were before it all happened.

 

Why do some OW/OM stay for years with someone KNOWING that they'll never leave their spouses?

 

Why do some OM/OW's get involved REPEATEDLY with MM/MW???

 

Human nature often doesn't make a darn bit of sense.

 

I agree...who really knows!

[Leaf]

Well said Owl.

[izzybelle]

i agree, the whole thing is puzzling beyond belief! and it makes me wonder if you ever really know someone? i know that's off topic but for the men i know who have cheated more than once....their spouses married them, they cheated, they forgave, took them back, they cheated again, they took them back.... i can't believe that that is the same person they thought they married. if you forgive and feel like you've got your spouse back again, only to have them go AWOL again, i'd be questioning who the F i was sharing my bed with. and i know so many say that they never would have ever thought their spouse would do it to them, even once.

 

sometimes my hamsters and rats are easier to figure out. they eat, they sleep, they poop and they like attention but i know their not going to go wandering to the neighbors apt. for something they're not getting from me!!! ahhhh the wonders of unconditional love!

[Owl]

Hang on Leaf...think about this real quick. Do you REALLY think its a picnic for the MM/MW to come back and try to rebuild the damage they've done??? I mean, come on!!!

 

Lets look at this from what I've seen in my own situation. My wife chose not to get on that plane that day. So, instead, she comes back home with me. She spends the next 3 days pretty solidly crying over the loss of her relationship with him. She then spent the next 3 WEEKS going through a "withdrawl" period...more or less mourning the loss of what they had...and villifying me in the process. Heck...he was the one who told her not to come, since she still had doubts. So, now she's dealing with rejection from him too! Have you got any idea at ALL what that must have been like for her to go through?!?! Not to mention how bad that felt to me?!?! Hell...I don't even want to tell you the thoughts I had during that time...and I'm damn glad that I never told them to my wife!

 

So, she finally starts to come to grips with what's happened after about a month...THEN, she finally starts to look around, take inventory, and realize that she really DOES still love me. So, now the guilt REALLY sets in. She's destroyed me emotionally...and she knows she's done the same thing to the OM as well. She's feeling just dandy at this point...and now it gets fun. See, she knows now she still loves me...and starts to FINALLY turn to me for love and support...only now, NOW she feels like she's betraying HIM!!! So at this point, she's totally confused over what she's feeling for whom. Yup, real picnic so far.

 

But, lets continue. She finally has him out of her system, and she's really and truly looking at me for the first time in MONTHS...since her affair started. And what does she see? The man she's loved for 17 years, the one guy who's stuck up for her and fought for her through ALL of this...broken down like a shotgun. She's always said that I've been one of the strongest men (emotionally) that she's ever known...and she's now realizing that I've been in tears for weeks literally...that I've repeatedly considered cutting myself off from EVERYONE and EVERYTHING...and she's finally realizing what she's done to ME. All I've ever done is love her...and now she's got the guilt of seeing what all of that love has cost me.

 

So, she begins helping me work through this...and the hard as hell counseling that we both are going to trying to help figure out what we can do to fix what went wrong in our marriage. She finally quits worrying about the OM's feelings. But now, she's got to BUST her butt proving to me at every opportunity that she does love me, that she does want to stay. I try to do everything I can to help her too...but its WORK. For both of us.

 

Now...her family knows what happened...so does mine. So do our kids. So now, she's got to figure out how to deal with that as well. Luckily by this time, we're becoming a united front again, and we CAN work through this.

 

Bluntly, I don't underestimate what the OM/OW goes through...I can sympathize. Its EXACTLY what the BS goes through when the affair is discovered!! You had the chance to see it coming when we didn't, but that doesn't make the pain less. But don't think that when you're trying to fix the damage done by an affair, its all roses and champagne. Its WORK...as much on her part as it is on mine. The WS does NOT get off scott-free...not if they want to make it really work out!

 

I've said it before...NO ONE WALKS AWAY FROM AN AFFAIR WITHOUT SCARS...NO MATTER IF THEY'RE WS, BS, OR OP!!!

[Joyce]

Bluntly, I don't underestimate what the OM/OW goes through...I can sympathize. Its EXACTLY what the BS goes through when the affair is discovered!! You had the chance to see it coming when we didn't, but that doesn't make the pain less. But don't think that when you're trying to fix the damage done by an affair, its all roses and champagne. Its WORK...as much on her part as it is on mine. The WS does NOT get off scott-free...not if they want to make it really work out!

 

I've said it before...NO ONE WALKS AWAY FROM AN AFFAIR WITHOUT SCARS...NO MATTER IF THEY'RE WS, BS, OR OP!!!

 

Well said. Your so awesome Owl.