Am I over reacting?

[deb222]

Hello everyone. I am new to this so please bear with this newcomer! Married for the past 28 years;) 2 children who have left the nest already. You would think that being married for so long by now one would at least have established some kind of marital bliss... Not..I am actually not sure to make of this problem hence my joining this page to get some advice. What does one think of or do about a spouse who spends all his waking time on his computer and can never explain what he is doing on it? Everything is shut down/locked with passwords. I wake sometimes in the early hours of the morning (this morning it was 3.30 am) and he is on the computer. It is in the study, so often I don't notice he is up at that time since I am a heavy sleeper. The screen is positioned in such a way that the tower blocks anyone in the room from seeing what he is doing while he is on the pc. We both have computers, mine in another room. We live in a town where there is not much entertainment and so the internet takes the form of most of our entertainment. I use my pc for things like recipe websites, emails to communicate with my sons who are abroad etc. Around 2 years ago, I joined facebook in order to connect with some of my school friends as we had moved away from our home town. At that stage I was using his computer as mine had become damaged in the move. I discovered to my horror after a month of using his pc that he had loaded a keylogger programme onto the pc to hack into my facebook account! I had never even heard of such a thing! This of course caused major strain in our marriage as I could not understand why he would feel the need to do that! He admitted he was wrong and apologized. I went out and bought my own pc and have not allowed him access to my pc since, although I have my suspicions that he does sometimes access it without my knowledge. He is very clued up with IT, compared to me who is useless in that regard. In the past there have been rumblings and rumours about him having affairs at work, but because I could not get any concrete evidence, I left it. How in this world am I going to be able to find out what he is doing spending so much time on his computer without him knowing about it? He literally spends hours everyday there. Straight from work, at 4.30 pm he is on the pc until around 9-10 pm. Then again most nights he is awake in the early hours of the morning say any time from 3 am until when he leaves for work at 7 am. What can one possibly be doing so long that cannot be shared with your spouse? Do I have a right to know? Of course, we don't spend much time together doing couple things, since his time is taken up by what he does on his computer! Weekends are the same, just that when he is not working, he is on his pc! Am I being paranoid for nothing? I would love to be able to see for myself without him knowing what goes on there, but with my limited knowledge of IT and his excellent knowledge of hiding things there, I have not a snowballs hope in hell! If anyone has some suggestions on how to get around this, it would be most welcome!

[Yesterday]

Deb222,

Your suspicions are warranted for the following red flags. You both have some trust issues, this needs to be dealt with.

 

1. He is on the computer rather than being with you.

2. He hides the monitor from your view.

3. He suspects you of your Facebook account, and placed a key logger to catch you.

4. He locks down your access to his computer activity.

5. There are rumours of possible affairs in the past.

 

A couple of questions for you...

1. Are the two of you still intimate, and sexually active?

2. Do you go to bed at the same time?

3. Do you feel the attraction in your marriage as much as the convenience? Does he?

 

My wife and I were in a similar empty nest stage last year, married 32 years. A year ago, kids out of the home, we said it was time to determine where we were going from here. Time to tell each other of anything that is bothering us. We both talked about how the convenience of our marriage had overcame the intimacy. Like your husband, I spend a great deal of time on the computer, I use it for business out of my home, but I also use it for entertainment - tv shows, recently this forum. I require little sleep, almost never sleep more than 4 or 5 hours, often 2 or 3.

 

She would go upstairs to bed, watch tv, and fall asleep. She had little interest in having sex. We decided our relationship needed to get out of this rut. It required some professional help. Now our relationship is much more intimate, where we have explored much in the bedroom. We always go to bed together, we talk about what we like for each other, it makes a huge difference. I sometimes get up in the night, early morning or get up after being intimate, but we always tuck in and cuddle together first.

 

You have several options. here are a couple.

1. You can place software on the PC. to see what he is doing. Purchase a personal recording device in his car to hear if he is in contact with anyone suspicious. Basically gather evidence to confront him.

 

or

 

2. Talk to your husband, tell him of your concerns, the red flags that are bothering you. Have a heart felt talk, and ask him what he wants out of your marriage. Tell him what you want, where you want this to go. Tell him you are willing to give him full access to your passwords, cell phone etc. and you want full access to his. You must be open to be trust worthy.

3. Possibly seek professional help for the both of you.

 

You no longer have the daily activities of the kids to take up your time and energy. Learn to spend some quality time together for several hours every day. Perhaps some new activities, sport, fitness or share your recipes for some fantastic new meals prepared together.

 

Hope this helps, good luck.

[Realist3]

Why don't you just ask him?

[harrybrown]

You could try to put something on his computer like active trak to see what is going on with his computer, or you could tell him that you will both have access to each other's computer.

 

and talk him into doing something off the computer. Tell him to take you out on a date. I hope that someday he will ask you out, but give him a hint to start working on your relationship.

[underwater2010]

I don't think you are overreacting at this point.

 

Here is what I would do:

1. Shutdown his computer (even if you just have to unplug it) and pull all the cords...power etc.

2. Put them up in a cabinet he never uses.

3. Put a note on his monitor saying that you really need to talk. Make it as lovey dovey as possible maybe even kiss the bottom and sign love your wife.

4. Make his favorite dinner and have a bottle of wine or beer whichever you prefer.

5. Tell him you know that things have been busy with the when the kids were home and you are sorry for letting things get to the point they are now.

6. List what concerns you

7. Wait for his response

8. If he says nothing is going on....ask to see his computer. ALL OF IT. Make him enter the passwords to all emails.

 

It could be nothing but him escaping and being lonely. He could be having an affair. But from what it sounds like....until you disable the computer you will never get his attention. Let me know how it goes.

[veryhappy]

He'll have an anger outburst if she shuts down his computer. Do not do that because you won't get anything out of him. He'll be too upset you tempered with his lifeline. You can ask instead for access to it.

 

I would tell him "If you want this marriage to have a chance in hell, you better tell me about all of your affairs during all these years. You have three days to come to me and talk. After that I'll be seing a divorce attorney."

 

He'll try to bs you. Stay strong. Do you have access to what happens to all your money? Would you feel better if he's be into porn rather than having an A?

 

Don't be afraid to cause a storm. You deserve better than being ignored all the time.

Edited November 13, 2013 by cutedragon

[underwater2010]

He'll have an anger outburst if she shuts down his computer. Do not do that because you won't get anything out of him. He'll be too upset you tempered with his lifeline. You can ask instead for access to it.

 

He will be angry any which way she does. Asking is not going to get her anywhere. He is deeply immersed himself at this point. Maybe the better way is to flip the breakers to everything but the living room, bathroom and kitchen.

 

I would tell him "If you want this marriage to have a chance in hell, you better tell me about all of your affairs during all these years. You have three days to come to me and talk. After that I'll be seing a divorce attorney."

 

He'll try to bs you. Stay strong. Do you have access to what happens to all your money? Would you feel better if he's be into porn rather than having an A?

 

Don't be afraid to cause a storm. You deserve better than being ignored all the time.

 

Shutting off his access to the computer is going to be the only way to get his attention. And hell if she is going to cause a storm, she might as well go full force.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

Sorry that you're going through this turmoil. I'm sure it's tough, and no, you're not overreacting.

 

A few thoughts...

 

Personally, I would go the hidden camera route.

 

He's physically hiding his activities and waking up in the middle of the night to go to a different room and do whatever it is he's doing...then locking everything down and protecting it when he's not on his computer. Sorry, but he's not suddenly going to have a "come to Jesus" moment and share whatever he's doing when you ask him for the umpteenth time what he's doing on his computer. Whether asking is done sweetly...angrily...as an ultimatum...whatever...at this point it's just going to get him to bury things more effectively. Is your goal a Band-aid excuse or to get to the bottom of why he chooses to spend most of his time at home on his computer?

 

He's IT savvy, and you're not. He's suspicious enough that he used a key logger on you. He's on the lookout. I would not install anything on his computer. Chances are you'll bungle the install or he'll find it. Besides, his computer is on lockdown. As for using a hardware logger. I know I would notice ANYTHING in one of the slots on my computer, and I'm not expecting anyone to do that. My computer is also set up so that it boots up differently whenever an external device is present or if a program had been installed or updated prior to the last shut down. (It's for malware detection.)

 

Your goal should be to investigate and find what you need without tipping him off to the fact that you're suspicious. Cheaters and addicts get much better at hiding things when they know you're digging, especially if you reveal your sources or techniques. Just play content and oblivious while you search for evidence.

 

As to what he might be doing...obviously something he now feels he needs to hide. Often that might be porn, dating sites, hookup sites, online gambling, chat rooms, online gaming, an affair (possibly LDR if he's communicating regularly at bizarre hours (3 am)), or more innocuously, advice sites, etc. None of us knows what he's doing.

 

Out of curiosity, how did you handle all the rumors about his affairs over the years? Discovering that he had used a key logger to gain access to your Facebook account? His explanation? When did his behavior first start to change?

Edited November 13, 2013 by Pretty.in.Pink

[deb222]

Thank you so much everyone for your advices! Wow, I am overwhelmed at the support. I am bowled over by it! You guys and girls are all awesome. I find it really difficult to speak to my family and friends about these concerns, so this website is my saving grace. To answer the question: Have you asked him? YESSSSS! many many many times. In the early hours of the morning when I happen to wake up to get water or use the loo and go through to that part of the house, all the lights are off. Even his study light. I normally startle him! When I ask him what on earth are you doing up again at this time of the morning he has the usual answer: Its either no answer and just shrugs his shoulders or "I couldnt sleep, so Im just surfing the net". Its never a straight answer, always vague. And you are right, it is no good that I ask him straight out or even have an adult conversation with him because he will just lie to me. The only way I will get to the bottom of this is to find it out myself by searching his pc. As I already said, I am not IT savy, however he is a boffin at it, so everything that needs to be hidden on that pc is hidden and encrypted. A hidden camera? I would need someone professional to install it as I would botch that up. My gut feel says that I am right and that it is either an online affair or addicted to pornographic sites. He is welcome to have a look at anything on my pc - I have nothing to hide - this he discovered when he installed a keylogger and found nothing:lmao: I just know that I have to do something, and soon, or I will be driven to the loony bin. It is totally unnatural for someone to spend so much time on a pc, unless he is a researcher and it is for work purposes. In answer to how is our relationship (intimacy etc)- well again - that is also a concern as in the last 6-8 months it has become non- existent. He is never in the bed! I am going to look into the hidden camera. I know that if I can find a way to get into that hard drive without him knowing, I will find what I am looking for. Once I have done that, I will have to regroup and confront him. I just know that it is going to be a difficult one to access that pc, as it is locked up with better security than a high max prison! thanks so much for your input! much appreciated. I will update you all as things progress. Its sad that marriages come to this... lack of transparency has become the norm in this day and age..

[harrybrown]

Good for you to try and see what he is doing.

 

To protect yourself, and to ease any pain, if you do discover an affair, read up on the 180. This is to help you detach.

 

I do not think with all the time that he spends on the computer that he will notice.

[goodyblue]

Why don't you just ask him?

 

Why in the world would anyone recommend that when playing Columbo is so much more savvy and cool?

[underwater2010]

I think you missed where she has asked....and multiple times.

[lollipopspot]

I discovered to my horror after a month of using his pc that he had loaded a keylogger programme onto the pc to hack into my facebook account!

 

How did you find this out?

[experiencethedevine]

Thank you so much everyone for your advices! Wow, I am overwhelmed at the support. I am bowled over by it! You guys and girls are all awesome. I find it really difficult to speak to my family and friends about these concerns, so this website is my saving grace. To answer the question: Have you asked him? YESSSSS! many many many times. In the early hours of the morning when I happen to wake up to get water or use the loo and go through to that part of the house, all the lights are off. Even his study light. I normally startle him! When I ask him what on earth are you doing up again at this time of the morning he has the usual answer: Its either no answer and just shrugs his shoulders or "I couldnt sleep, so Im just surfing the net". Its never a straight answer, always vague. And you are right, it is no good that I ask him straight out or even have an adult conversation with him because he will just lie to me. The only way I will get to the bottom of this is to find it out myself by searching his pc. As I already said, I am not IT savy, however he is a boffin at it, so everything that needs to be hidden on that pc is hidden and encrypted. A hidden camera? I would need someone professional to install it as I would botch that up. My gut feel says that I am right and that it is either an online affair or addicted to pornographic sites. He is welcome to have a look at anything on my pc - I have nothing to hide - this he discovered when he installed a keylogger and found nothing:lmao: I just know that I have to do something, and soon, or I will be driven to the loony bin. It is totally unnatural for someone to spend so much time on a pc, unless he is a researcher and it is for work purposes. In answer to how is our relationship (intimacy etc)- well again - that is also a concern as in the last 6-8 months it has become non- existent. He is never in the bed! I am going to look into the hidden camera. I know that if I can find a way to get into that hard drive without him knowing, I will find what I am looking for. Once I have done that, I will have to regroup and confront him. I just know that it is going to be a difficult one to access that pc, as it is locked up with better security than a high max prison! thanks so much for your input! much appreciated. I will update you all as things progress. Its sad that marriages come to this... lack of transparency has become the norm in this day and age..

 

Approach the security issue with a professional if you can, in a surreptitious way of course. Perhaps take your time to think about who you know that has competent IT skills who might be able to help.

 

Kids are usually very savvy when it comes to computers because they use them so often. Merely a thought. Take advice from those in the know about such things, including the camera so that you DON'T botch it up, and whatever you set up, take a deep breath when you do set it up. It IS scary when you've never had to do anything like that ever, but needs must, and YOU need to know what your husband's secret is.

 

Security firms and PI's normally have a lot of the answers if you can get anything out of them!