Is she into me? How should I proceed?

[love_hungry_cat]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm new to this forum, would love to hear your opinion.

 

EDIT: If this post doesn't belong in this forum, please instruct me where to re-post it (and delete original).

 

I'll try to keep the background story short (edit: I couldn't but you can just skip it, that's not what I'm here for).

 

========================================================

 

Been with my spouse 14 years (now with two small girls), she is my first and only relationship (and I'm hers). It's never been a passionate (sexually and emotionally) from her side. In the last year I became more aware of the damage it's been causing me over the years (low self-esteem, feeling rejected and not loved, my needs don't matter to her) and became very unhappy with our relationship. (She on the other hand is happy with it, we have always been best friends, enjoy many hobbies together, go out together, don't miss on vacations, and I'm a great partner in the house holding and the best dad there is - according to her. She even enjoys the sex and considers me a great lover that always satisfies her).

 

I tried to talk to her many times about this, and she can't even seem to understand such emotional issues. I tried to act in ways that should spark romantic feelings, and tried to understand if there are things that bother her in my behavior that I can improve (and did actually improve). Nothing changed. I recently gave up, and reached a conclusion that either she has some serious emotional limitations (like she is incapable of being "in love" and feeling lust and passion) or perhaps she is VERY not attracted to me (I don't consider myself good looking, but definitely not bad looking).

 

She rejected the suggestion to go to counseling. She doesn't talk to her friends or sister about our problem and she also never heard or read how other "proper" couples behave intimately, what touch, physical gestures and sex means to other women and men. It's a shame because I'm sure it would open her eyes that something is very wrong with us (when I tell her how other couples are she dismisses it, because she thinks I'm just making it sound like how I myself would like things).

 

This is an emotionally devastating situation for me, and I recently gave up on the hope that things could change between us.

I'm not very quick to break up, we have children, and (as selfish and twisted as it sounds) - if I can satisfy my needs outside, it may actually bring peace to my relationship. What my wife doesn't know doesn't hurt, right? (I know this is a hypocritical thing to say, wasn't trying to be funny at all).

And I'm also afraid of the breakup. Perhaps if I get caught cheating it would actually rid me of the tough decision I'm avoiding.

 

So far for the background story.

 

=========================================================

 

 

Two weeks ago, I posted a message in a forum (forum about "Cheating"), that I'm looking to meet a girl who is in a situation like mine, that wants to satisfy her emotional and sexual needs and find someone to hang with discretely (not just for sex, but for a long range relationship).

 

I got a reply from a woman, my age, same status (married+). We started exchanging emails, these turned very quickly into wild sexual fantasies (like descriptions of sexual acts, and also fantasies on scenarios that we meet), and we both got a very good kick out of it.

 

She toyed with the thought of us getting lunch together (never actually tried to make real plans), I sent her photos of me (she said I was charming and looked like she imagined - a "geeky" tech type, in later photos, where I made an effort to dress well (I have a very nice body) - she gave me very nice compliments).

 

I told her about my daily interaction with my wife, and also about this other girl I'm talking to in email.

 

After two days she wrote that this is becoming something she did NOT intend, and that she only wanted to get a sexual thrill, never wanted to cheat on her husband. She said she started feeling jealous for me and decided she wants to stop before developing romantic feelings and do things she would be sorry for later.

She suggested we keep emailing because she enjoyed our conversations, but stop the sexual fantasies on each other.

 

Ok, I didn't mind, because I really enjoyed the conversations as well.

 

We've been emailing for a few days (I ended the contact with the other girl, and I keep sharing my marriage life and problems with here), and often she writes things that make me wonder what her intentions are. If perhaps she's still interested romantically.

 

So things that I noticed (AFTER we decided on being just friends):

1. She is in touch with me all day long - from morning to late evening, in her work and at home (around her husband and son). She responds to my emails and seems interested in what I tell her. She also shares a lot with me on her background and life plans etc.

2. She wrote "Do you think we would ever meet each other"? and "I wonder what we would be like together, I would probably scare you away". She also once wrote to me "I'm so bored".

3. She wrote once "Aren't you bored with me already?"

4. She told me that she and her husband in the last few months have been trying to get pregnant. Is that a sign she's NOT interested in a lover?

5. She tells me stories about her son.

6. She is very cautious about revealing her identity. She hasn't sent me her photo yet (not sure why). I've sent her several photos, also of my girls. Yesterday she sent me a photo of her son, after she told me about him some more. That definitely means trust, right? But romantic intentions?

 

What do you think? Is she just being a very good friend? If so, I wouldn't want to spoil that. I have like zero experience with this, as I wrote in the background - only had one relationship and it didn't start like this.

 

I'm confused and would love some opinions no that, and also tips on how to proceed (I'm definitely into a romantic relationship).

 

Thanks in advance, and sorry about the so long story...

Edited November 13, 2013 by love_hungry_cat

[trailrunner1975]

I say keep it relatively simple and get a divorce before doing anything else. For all you know she could be a guy posing as a chick. Or she is real, but has a hubby who is sifting through her convos with you. Any pics she may send could simply be pulled from the web at random. I would wind this down and not give her any info about you or your family. She's probably just playing games at best or setting you up for real trouble in the near future.

[wannabdone]

Well, I am going to speak to a couple of points, not just answer your question of if she is into you. Yes, typical woman, telling you more than what you want to know.

 

First and foremost, you do understand that by being involved with another woman, whether it be EA or PA, whether it be via email, text, phone, or face to face, you working on your M is over, as it is impossible to really maintain both. You will decrease your time as a husband, and the things you enjoy with your W, and it will also take a toll on you being a father. (I know you think it will never happen, but trust me, it does). So, not only are you giving up on making your M better, you are also deciding to make your M worse, because you will stop wanting to do things you do now.

 

Second, on your marriage. I notice you said you have tried with your W to do things romantic and turn her on. But I wonder if you even know what it is that turns her on. Are you doing to her what you would want done to you? Because it seems like to me, that the two of you have two totally different love languages. You need to find out what speaks to her and try that. There is a book that is a very easy read, called the 7 love languages. Very interesting, and makes a lot of sense. Maybe the two of you could read it together. I can't imagine that your W would be against that. because its more about love than intimacy, however just so you know love=intimacy with women. So if you can figure out her love language, chances are you will probably get a little more in the sack. (side note, if you do this you need to leave these other women be).

 

Third, on the OW. Lets just put it this way... any woman who is on the internet looking for a way to cheat, isn't looking for a romantic relationship at all. Women are too emotionally driven, and it is a special type who will go online to just look for a void filler. IMO, I think she found herself feeling guilty, questioning if she was doing the right or wrong thing, and stated that "you two should be friends", but to keep talking (and everyone knows this) is ridiculous once a line has been crossed, and seems like you two have crossed that. So, she is a compartmentalizer, (which is why she is online looking for a void filler while married, and not like a lot of women who just find themselves entrenched in an A). She can be married, and have an A, she can remove herself in both situations. She feels okay, because she has said "just friends" to you. although she is still flirting, etc with you. Doesn't matter what you guys say to each other, or if she talks to you all day, because she has said (and convinced herself) that it isn't anything other than a friendship. The things that we will justify is amazing.

 

My suggestion to you is similar to the other poster. You need to leave your wife, and find yourself, and then seek the relationship you desire. OR you need to stop the slippery slope you are going down, and cease your conversations with other women, go buy that book, read it, research everything you can, and work on your M.

 

Good luck!

[veryhappy]

Do not send pictures of your kids to the unknown. There are a lot of creepy people out there.

 

She might only need an EA which is what you are having, so she cab still get the thrill and justify it's not really cheating.

 

Why did you marry your wife if the passion was always lacking?

[love_hungry_cat]

Thanks, I appreciate your feedback, will definitely be more cautious, and reconsider my steps.

 

As to your questions on my wife (on which I gave up) - I married her because I truly was naive this was my first relationship. I thought that's how all couples behave, even the loving couple, I believed the stereotype that man want lots of sex and wild sex, and women want little and routine sex.

 

I definitely DON'T know what turns my W on! I tried everything I read, and I talked to her about it. She said it turns her on when I show that I care about the house chores, that I be the one to initiate going out or that I set our vacations. I did all of that. And not as a temporary attempt to turn her on, but because I care about her. For years now I'm the one who cares more than her about the house cleanliness, I'm making us great meals, I completely support her career.

 

Nothing changed, and I don't think even she knows what would turn her on.

 

Is it not just possible that she is an a-sexual and emotionally detached person?

 

I don't know what else to do but divorce, and that's a bad option, I'd rather try other options.

[whichwayisup]

Perhaps if I get caught cheating it would actually rid me of the tough decision I'm avoiding.

So, you would rather have your marriage end by getting caught cheating, hurting her, making her hate you and cause a lot of strife and anger towards you, end your marriage in divorce, not be friends at all, making it harder to co parent together, yet apart in two households, rather than just be honest and tell her it would be best to divorce, still get along and co parent together, have respect for one another?

 

Man up and take responsibility. Divorce first, then go chase after whomever you want.

[underwater2010]

By putting the breaks on and either resolving the issues in your marriage or divorcing.

 

An affair does not fix a broken marriage!!!

[RickFox]

End your marriage. Run from this emotional affair you're in. For all you know you're one of many she or he has on a hook.

[salyssa]

As a part of owning my crap and now broken marriage (that I am trying to repair now) - Stop...stop.. and stop!!!

 

I, unlike you, didn't seek anyone a dating/cheating site. I found them in an MMO game. Same situation as you are describing but it actually started with the OM and myself complaining about our spouses. Good god, if I only knew then what I know now. Don't go into that hole unless you are truly done with your marriage and having your daughters around 100% of the time. It is so easy to bitch about our spouses and think they are doing us wrong, when really, we are the ones that are out on the prowl, looking for more drama for something that doesn't need to turn ugly - and it will. That I can promise you.

 

If you are done with your wife, then be done. Divorce her. Give her that. Don't keep her around while you dog her and say what she doesn't do for you to another woman. I did that, and I was so wrong for doing it. I made myself despise a man that was good to me for so many years. I actually started convincing myself it to be true - that he was soooo terrible. The constant bitching to the other married man was just pollution. It wasn't the truth, it was just the bad stuff of a marriage ("bad" = normal dips, most of the time). Then, magically, I forgot all the good stuff and it caused me to move *further* away from my spouse. It was completely toxic. The mind is so powerful and when someone becomes truly about themselves, it can cause great damage.

 

Seriously, I have nothing but regret now for my affair that started off as "just talking about my spouse" and turned to into a PA. Nothing, but, regret. I wish I could wipe it away. I wish it so bad. I leveled my husband's world, my daughter's world and my world... You can stop this.

 

I will tell you one thing, our spouses didn't/don't deserve this. If you are over your wife, then freakin' leave and then continue on whatever path you so choose. But don't talk poorly about her to another woman while she is in the living room playing with your daughters. Ugly is reallllllllly ugly.

[curiousGeorge2]

There are too many possibilities about that woman. Is she a he? is she just looking for fun? is she looking for an EA or PA? is she a serial KILLER? No one knows despite what some claim with 100% certainty.

 

I am curious about the suggestions someone made about getting a divorce. What if a divorce is not an option because of finance/children but your spouse is just incapable of sex anymore because of medical or other reasons?

[2sunny]

Get divorced - then you can pretend with whoever you choose without causing harm to your wife.

 

The person you connected with - could be anyone = an 80 year old wrinkled man who is bored - online communication is not real.

[emmalee]

How could you send pictures of your daughters?

[love_hungry_cat]

I started counseling today, alone, and will make another attempt to convince my spouse to join the counseling.

 

I'm unable at this time to cut my email relations with the OW, this has brought me much peace and relief in the last week and a half, and she even supports me in my steps to correct my marriage.

 

She doesn't seem to be a fraud or any kind of threat (never mentioned that she has financial problems, and she keeps telling me details of her life that don't seem made up).

You should know I'm not American, I live in a very small country, and we don't have serial killers or kidnappers, and very little online fraud crime.

 

HOWEVER - I will set some strict hard red lines until I can be sure (if I can be at all).

I will not provide any personal details or contact details - like phone number, address, credit card number (joking...). And of course will not make plans to meet her.

 

I will also not send her any more photos.

 

BTW, The photos that I did send her were harmless photos of myself with my daughters, really not a big deal, people post such photos to Facebook all the time.