Facebook and exes

[carolineh]

Hi, I'm new here and this topic may have been discussed before, so please bear with me

 

Context: I'm 36, my boyfriend's 42, we've been together for a little over two years now. I have always been the jealous type, but after a while, when I get to know the person, it goes away a bit and I calm down - however, I tend to obsess over things and I also have some self esteem issues that I have to work on. On the other hand, my boyfriend has never had any problems finding "women" to meet, mostly one night stands (before we met), but now I think and believe he loves me. He's divorced. However...here's this "little" situation that I want to talk about.

 

In the end of 2012 he added this woman on facebook and I recognised her by name - this one time, he had told me briefly about his past relationships. She was his girlfriend 20 years ago, before he got married (he's divorced now). I wasn't comfortable with this, but didn't want to look crazy - after all, facebook is meant for you to connect with people. Besides, two of my exes (who are still good friends of mine to this very day) are also on my friends list, so I didn't want to be unfair on him and said nothing (although I feel it's different: they're my friends and he knows them, and this woman just came out of the blue 20 years later).

 

They have lots of friends in common, including her mother, her sisters and other people with whom they were friends with in their hometown (they're now living in different states).

 

What bothered me is that she started "liking" everything he posted, which could mean something or nothing at all. He would also "like" her pics, but not pictures of her alone, I mean pictures of her sons (she's divorced now), of her family, random posts over the meaning of life and that kind of things. I'm pretty sure he was careful with the pictures he "liked" so that he wouldn't make me upset.

 

Almost a year later, I don't see her liking ANYTHING that he posts anymore, like pictures of him traveling, etc, so there's nothing that would make me suspect her. Maybe she did that in the beginning as she was catching up on him, I don't know. Anyway: he still likes pretty much everything she posts. Yes, it bothers me, but knowing him I know he probably doesn't think much into it, so I try not to think about it.

 

Well, yesterday she posted a picture of her self with this huge smile at some event, and he "liked" her picture. I didn't like that at all. Is it normal to like your exes pics? However, I tried once again not to think about it, because he's a "liker" - he likes pretty much everything that appears on his wall, so it's difficult to say if there was some hidden intention behing the linking of hr picture.

 

But the worst for me was that her sister (who is also his friend on facebook and every year posts happy birthday on his wall) commented "me dear sister you're sooo beautiful!! miss you!!" and he LIKED THIS COMMENT. What does this mean? Does he find cute that his sister said that or he's he actually saying and agreeing to the "you're beautiful and I miss you"? Is this acceptable?

 

Honestly, sometimes I lose perception of what's normal and what's not, specially when we're talking about facebook....

 

Should I confront him or is it a waste of time? I have said something in the past about this and he said I was being ridiculous, worrying about someone who has nothing to do with him, and that he only loved me and that kind of thing.

 

I must sound nuts but really, any advice is appreciated. Thanks so much.

[carolineh]

I understand some of the people here may have been "burnt" by their SO but please try to be as neutral and objective as possible thank you

[Haydn]

Dont get crazy over FB. My ex made me delete most of my female friends. She was insanely jealous of everything on FB. Dont take it so seriously or let it take over your life. It could ruin a perfectly good relationship. Trust him, dont question him. Take care.

[PegNosePete]

It's just a click.

My mate likes everything I post. Is he gay and cracking onto me? I don't think so.

I have some mates who will like EVERY comment or every single photo just to make you have 50 notifications when you log in, as a joke.

You have some serious insecurity issues you need to resolve.

[crederer]

I like a lot of peoples posts, except for my ex's because I don't want her to read too much into it! lol true story.

[Realist3]

Reading too much into likes.

[theothersully]

Don't even look at Facebook! It's destroyed many, many relationships.

[carolineh]

I do agree that facebook sucks, I mean not facebook, people who really have no common sense using it...and yes, I wish I could not even check facebook, but...well, I just find this disrespectful, maybe I have a problem :/

 

other perspectives are welcome

[PoohGirl90]

Just my thoughts: I have the same issue with jealousy and my own personal low-self esteem, just so you have an idea of where I'm coming from.

 

Luckily, my fiance's ex deleted him the second we started dating, but anyway: I would mention this to your BF!

 

I'm not saying to flip out and yell at him or justifying anything like that (not that I think you would!) but I would calmly bring up that "Hey, I see that you're liking a lot of (ex-gf's) pictures, and I'm kind of insecure about it."

 

People are much more receptive if you explain to them your feelings. It's OK to say that you're not comfortable with it, that it brings up different feelings within yourself. Explain to him how you feel honestly, and it will work out OK. Just remember that it was a long time ago, and maybe it's purely friend-support. I know it's hard to imagine that way (I know I probably would be livid x_x !) but I'm hoping this way of communicating to him might help you.

 

Best of luck!

[heyitsmike]

i could see how this annoys you, it would annoy me as well. i feel like the last part about him liking the comment about her being "beautiful" is a bit overstepping it, but this doesn't seem to be more than an act of non-threatening selfishness.

 

if he still has the ability to feel like he has some kind of connection with an old fling, that probably makes him feel good indirectly by human nature (wanting what we cant have;control) I'm not saying he wants to be with her, but i am saying he realizes that you may not notice this trend or he is just comfortable doing it because nobody has said anything to him yet.

 

obviously this has been upsetting you so I'm going to recommend you have a small but clear talk with him and say you've noticed this behavior, but didnt want to look jealous (just like you said before) and then tell him the motivation to say something now was from that comment. just make sure to focus on yourself and not to "blame" or insinuate" anything on his behalf or it'll become a fight. express YOUR feelings and just end with an understanding that a relationship is built on trust and honesty and you are just trying to do that.