No end in sight=pointless?!

[HeavenOrHell]

Slight rant here, but I feel annoyed/upset when I hear people here say LDR's are pointless or meaningless when there's no end to the distance, it hurts me when people say that, because my r/ship has no end in sight, but the 3 1/2 years we've been together have been extremely meaningful to us both, what we have is beautiful whether we have an end in sight or not. Even if we end up splitting up over the lack of an end in sight it doesn't mean our time together will have been pointless.

It's fair enough if people think *their* r/ship would be pointless/meaningless to them with no end in sight, but please have some respect to those of us in LDR's with no end in sight who feel theirs is far from pointless. I don't like having my r/ship belittled.

My friends and family have never said my r/ship is pointless, they can see that despite everything we still love each other and don't want to give up for the foreseeable.

[sun1972]

Ok, firstly i think each to their own, you should both do whatever you feel happy with.

 

But this is a topic i feel.... very qualified to discuss!!

 

I am just out of an LDR of 5 years, 2 months 2 days.

 

We both had jobs we could not give up for various reasons

And we both were very much in love...i still love her now

 

This is how it went for us

 

The first year and a half were pretty easy, talking hours every single night, passion when we saw each other.. never missing a weekend no matter what, teary goodbyes after spending xmas together, telling each other how much we were in love etc.

 

The next 2 years where good too, but we started to wonder what would happen longterm..

 

At the 3.5 year point, the first problems came.. her friends who met their local partners were getting married, the cost of travelling every weekend was huge..and meant no money for holidays, dissapointments, lonliness

 

Then half a year of looking at every single option to commute, none of which worked out.

 

Then at 4 years, i think we r both solid, and announce ill look for work by her, to my surprise her feelings have faded and she isnt sure anymore..she says it is down to distance.

 

We are both back together within 4 days, a passionate makeup, swearing of undying love etc

 

But.. we both know we will never be together properely, that over half our nights we will sleep alone and things gradually go downhill, the weekends are still amazing- but! the time inbetween has gone from hours on the phone, to a few emails a day.

 

Finally it comes to a head when i realise she simply is not happy, and that although i dont want to lose her i NEED to let her go if she is going to be happy..

 

Now why have i waffled on so long?

 

Because i met the most compatible person i will ever meet.. she is the love of my life.

 

But with LDR and no commitment to ending the LDR- we couldnt make it work

 

I hope this doesnt happen for you, but it is my believe that LDR are much harder to maintain anyway! And with no end in sight it is a matter of time

 

But i do hope things work for you and your SO

[sun1972]

BTW i do agree that the time you have in an LDR is not 'pointless'

 

i cherish the memories i have with my partner, and would react very badly to anyone suggesting my time with her was pointless.

[soccerrprp]

I'm in a LDR now. Never thought I would be. We communicate daily, but mostly via text and talk 1-2x per week over the phone. No need to talk daily and we're both very busy with work and kids.

 

There is no way that I could be in a LDR if there was no PLAN. What is the point, imho? If there was no plan, why would I torture myself with someone that is "stringing me along" knowing that I want more? And by long-distance no less. I told my gf that when I make the move that it will be to be with her, not to continue dating. That the next level of commitment will be clearly defined, not to "resume" where we left off.

 

For me, no, not pointless per say, but there needs to be a goal of solid, commitment that involves me not feeling like I'm still dating or buying my time until things end b/c neither or one of us is unwilling to fully invest. Shoot, I can have a relationship like that easily right here in the same town I'm in.....don't need, more importantly, WANT, an uncertain LDR.

[madjac74]

Slight rant here, but I feel annoyed/upset when I hear people here say LDR's are pointless or meaningless when there's no end to the distance, it hurts me when people say that, because my r/ship has no end in sight, but the 3 1/2 years we've been together have been extremely meaningful to us both, what we have is beautiful whether we have an end in sight or not. Even if we end up splitting up over the lack of an end in sight it doesn't mean our time together will have been pointless.

It's fair enough if people think *their* r/ship would be pointless/meaningless to them with no end in sight, but please have some respect to those of us in LDR's with no end in sight who feel theirs is far from pointless. I don't like having my r/ship belittled.

My friends and family have never said my r/ship is pointless, they can see that despite everything we still love each other and don't want to give up for the foreseeable.

 

HOH, you have been going forever. You must be frustrated in general. Are you projecting a bit?

[Toddbt12y1]

You should not let other people get to you, with their opinions on this matter. Most are outsiders, only seeing this one-way, and not another. As long as you love him, and he loves you: It matters not what they say. Feelings can happen abroad.

 

The only thing that is not there is the presence of a body, and abilities that come with that(dating, etc). A relationship is forming a bond with someone or something else. You have done this, and if both of you see it as a relationship(world be damned), then it is a relationship.

 

As of me. I would not insult or offend a person that has stocked so much heart(mind) and feeling into their relationships. You needn't worry over someone who can only see something one-way, and not another.

[HeavenOrHell]

Well, I've made no secret of the fact here that I struggle massively at times with the fact this r/ship is open ended, and that I get depressed over it, but I still feel it's worth it for our visits and daily contact.

I don't think I'm projecting here, or if I am I'm not aware of it, it's more that I feel annoyed when people here say LDR's are pointless with no end in sight because I feel mine is far from pointless, so I'm saying people who say that can't speak for me, they can only speak for themselves.

 

 

 

HOH, you have been going forever. You must be frustrated in general. Are you projecting a bit?

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you for your understanding

No-one's upset me by saying it's not a r/ship, we've spent a fair amount of time together in person, I'm with him for 16 days as we speak, and he'll be with me for 2 weeks over xmas/new year, so it's very much real.

I shouldn't let others opinions get to me I know

 

You should not let other people get to you, with their opinions on this matter. Most are outsiders, only seeing this one-way, and not another. As long as you love him, and he loves you: It matters not what they say. Feelings can happen abroad.

 

The only thing that is not there is the presence of a body, and abilities that come with that(dating, etc). A relationship is forming a bond with someone or something else. You have done this, and if both of you see it as a relationship(world be damned), then it is a relationship.

 

As of me. I would not insult or offend a person that has stocked so much heart(mind) and feeling into their relationships. You needn't worry over someone who can only see something one-way, and not another.

[madjac74]

Well, I've made no secret of the fact here that I struggle massively at times with the fact this r/ship is open ended, and that I get depressed over it, but I still feel it's worth it for our visits and daily contact.

I don't think I'm projecting here, or if I am I'm not aware of it, it's more that I feel annoyed when people here say LDR's are pointless with no end in sight because I feel mine is far from pointless, so I'm saying people who say that can't speak for me, they can only speak for themselves.

 

I am one of your biggest fans (a former LDR person) and am rooting for you every step of the way. If you believe in your situation then stay strong with what you believe. A lot of people on here speak for the "majority" especially when it comes to gender wars, parenting or LDR's. Prove them wrong!

[sun1972]

Well, I've made no secret of the fact here that I struggle massively at times with the fact this r/ship is open ended, and that I get depressed over it, but I still feel it's worth it for our visits and daily contact.

I don't think I'm projecting here, or if I am I'm not aware of it, it's more that I feel annoyed when people here say LDR's are pointless with no end in sight because I feel mine is far from pointless, so I'm saying people who say that can't speak for me, they can only speak for themselves.

 

Just curious what you mean by open ended relationship?

 

And curious when you say no end in sight, do you mean that it will always be an ldr?

[HeavenOrHell]

My point really is; each to their own.

I think most people wouldn't stay in an LDR with no end in sight, or had plans to which then fell through (in our case), and I struggle with it hugely at times, but on the whole I feel it is worth it as we enjoy our daily contact/the closeness we have even when we're apart, and our visits together are always wonderful.

I feel that even though it's hard for us both that it's special enough to keep it going.

I don't feel strung along, if I did then he could equally same the same of me seeing as I can't move either. We've been upfront about why we can't move. He was going to originally but his job transfer fell through.

 

 

I'm in a LDR now. Never thought I would be. We communicate daily, but mostly via text and talk 1-2x per week over the phone. No need to talk daily and we're both very busy with work and kids.

 

There is no way that I could be in a LDR if there was no PLAN. What is the point, imho? If there was no plan, why would I torture myself with someone that is "stringing me along" knowing that I want more? And by long-distance no less. I told my gf that when I make the move that it will be to be with her, not to continue dating. That the next level of commitment will be clearly defined, not to "resume" where we left off.

 

For me, no, not pointless per say, but there needs to be a goal of solid, commitment that involves me not feeling like I'm still dating or buying my time until things end b/c neither or one of us is unwilling to fully invest. Shoot, I can have a relationship like that easily right here in the same town I'm in.....don't need, more importantly, WANT, an uncertain LDR.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you Sweet of you..

I believe very strongly in this r/ship yes, and like I said in another post just now, even if we split up in the end then I won't regret the time we had together, and it's not as if local r/ships never split up. I don't see all r/ships as a failure if they split up, my last long term r/ship was far from a failure because we had many happy years together.

 

 

I am one of your biggest fans (a former LDR person) and am rooting for you every step of the way. If you believe in your situation then stay strong with what you believe. A lot of people on here speak for the "majority" especially when it comes to gender wars, parenting or LDR's. Prove them wrong!

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, our plans to move closer fell through, so as it stands right now it could remain LDR indefinitely, without going into all the reasons why, and all the details, we both suffer with anxiety and neither of us feel capable of moving countries and maybe never will.

 

Just curious what you mean by open ended relationship?

 

And curious when you say no end in sight, do you mean that it will always be an ldr?

[KatZee]

I understand why people would make the comment "pointless." Although it may be offensive to you and make you angry, there is SOME validity to it.

 

For most people, dating and relationships aren't just "for fun" or to pass the time by. They have a plan and see the relationship moving forward and hitting the various landmarks of being together. Dating, engagement, marriage, living together, kids, etc etc.

 

Although that lifestyle may not be for EVERYONE, based on YOUR posts, it seems that is your mind set as well. You openly admit to being depressed about your situation. So I can safely assume you DO want these things with him, you DO want to proceed further, make further commitments, but due to logistics you can't.

 

So I can understand why someone would use the term "pointless" and it might not be out of such a bad place, but maybe in a place that's looking out for you.

 

If there's no end in sight, there is no plan, and you're essentially going to be in a LDR "forever" then some may see this as compromising what you ultimately want out of a relationship. It's not fair to you. As much as you love this guy, love the time you spend together... if you don't have any plan, and there is no way you two will ever be together, then ultimately what IS the point in being with him? I'm asking because I'm confused. If you are sad about the situation, depressed, you want more... why are you limiting yourself to just being with him?

 

If you will never live with him, never be able to be near each other, never be able to get engaged, have a family, be married, and all the stuff that couples go through, that you may want, then what are you hanging on to? It's setting you up for being further hurt down the line if/when it continues to go no where, and it's setting you up to never being able to find someone closer to you, someone who CAN give you what you're looking for 100% but will never meet because your mind and heart is so wrapped up in a person that's so far away.

 

I wouldn't say the relationship is meaningless. Because obviously you both care for each other, but for your situation on the word "pointless" I do have to agree with it, especially because there are things you do want, and you will never get. I suspect you get angry with these words, and this way of thought, because perhaps deep down YOU'RE angry that nothing will ever go anywhere. If you were a person who didn't want anything more out of this relationship, you were completely fine with it, OK with the distance and never being together in close proximity, I wouldn't say it was pointless for you.

 

I was in a LDR two years ago and I got into it after swearing to myself I'd never be in a LDR again. It lasted 19 months but the only reason I remained in it and pushed through was because we had that light at the end of the tunnel, him moving back home and us being close together again. For me, it was too hard a struggle to be far away and think that maybe he'd never move back home, or perhaps get a new job where he was. There was no way I was going to be able to remain with him if it was an indefinite, unplanned LDR.

Edited November 13, 2013 by KatZee

[d0nnivain]

I'm one of the ones who thinks an LDR with no meaningful prospect of getting together is pointless.

 

I want my friends to be happy in their relationship. I think that the physical aspects of a romantic relationship are important. If you don't have that on a regular basis & you have no prospect of getting it, what are you getting? . . . a loving friendship (hopefully) which does have value but if I can't hug & kiss & cuddle my SO that relationship doesn't work for me.

 

I did a bi-coastal (3,000 miles) LDR for almost 2 years before cell phones & the internet. All we had was snail mail & a weekly phone call because long-distance calls were expensive. We were lucky in that we got to see each other for at least 1 week every 3 months. The plan also was that I would move to California when I graduated. The distance isn't what killed our relationship.

 

While you need to do what is best for, I suspect that many people who disparage open-ended LDRs do so because we can't see the benefit of putting so much energy into only 1/2 a relationship.

[soccerrprp]

My point really is; each to their own.

I think most people wouldn't stay in an LDR with no end in sight, or had plans to which then fell through (in our case), and I struggle with it hugely at times, but on the whole I feel it is worth it as we enjoy our daily contact/the closeness we have even when we're apart, and our visits together are always wonderful.

I feel that even though it's hard for us both that it's special enough to keep it going.

I don't feel strung along, if I did then he could equally same the same of me seeing as I can't move either. We've been upfront about why we can't move. He was going to originally but his job transfer fell through.

 

Ok. Like others, I wish you well in this LDR. I'm not criticizing what you have b/c it seems to work for you and you seem content.

 

I love my gf, but also told her my expectations. As she did hers. We're not in this for LT dating and certainly not LT dating in perpetual long-distance. A lot has happened for us to get to this point and all of that work was not for us to continue dating, so higher commitment was and is a must.

 

HOH, I am rooting for you!

[sun1972]

Yes, our plans to move closer fell through, so as it stands right now it could remain LDR indefinitely, without going into all the reasons why, and all the details, we both suffer with anxiety and neither of us feel capable of moving countries and maybe never will.

 

This is where we were - 2 years ago although admittedly we are the same country.

 

we managed another 2 years, most of it good.

 

I hope things work out for you both.

[HeavenOrHell]

It was pointless for you, but not for me, and you said it wasn't the distance which split you up, so maybe you weren't compatible enough long term whether you were LD or not.

The physical aspect of our r/ship is very important to me, we meet every other month, this month and next we have a month together in total.

As I said I have phases where I struggle it, but I don't split up with him because I love the daily closeness we have and our visits, I would rather this than not have him at all.

I wouldn't be able to do this if we only met every 3 months.

 

I'm one of the ones who thinks an LDR with no meaningful prospect of getting together is pointless.

 

I want my friends to be happy in their relationship. I think that the physical aspects of a romantic relationship are important. If you don't have that on a regular basis & you have no prospect of getting it, what are you getting? . . . a loving friendship (hopefully) which does have value but if I can't hug & kiss & cuddle my SO that relationship doesn't work for me.

 

I did a bi-coastal (3,000 miles) LDR for almost 2 years before cell phones & the internet. All we had was snail mail & a weekly phone call because long-distance calls were expensive. We were lucky in that we got to see each other for at least 1 week every 3 months. The plan also was that I would move to California when I graduated. The distance isn't what killed our relationship.

 

While you need to do what is best for, I suspect that many people who disparage open-ended LDRs do so because we can't see the benefit of putting so much energy into only 1/2 a relationship.

[HeavenOrHell]

We've had plenty of problems cos of the distance, and split up twice, we still talk every day, not for hours on the phone like we used to but we don't need to as much, mostly a shorter call and talk online as well, we feel each other's presence very strongly.

We're closer emotionally than ever, rather than it getting weaker, if it became weaker I'd want out.

I know for sure we'd work out if we could meet every week, that sounds amazing to me, but bear in mind neither of us has ever wanted to get married, it's just not something we've been interested in with ex's or each other, we're not conventional shall I say, also kids were never for us and we're in our 40's now anyway.

My partner knows I've not been happy at times which is why he's left me twice, but I've made it clear I want to continue for now at least despite everything, if he thought I was permanently unhappy he'd walk away, but I'm not.

I'm not saying we'll always be together, but for now I want to be with him.

Thank you

 

 

 

Ok, firstly i think each to their own, you should both do whatever you feel happy with.

 

But this is a topic i feel.... very qualified to discuss!!

 

I am just out of an LDR of 5 years, 2 months 2 days.

 

We both had jobs we could not give up for various reasons

And we both were very much in love...i still love her now

 

This is how it went for us

 

The first year and a half were pretty easy, talking hours every single night, passion when we saw each other.. never missing a weekend no matter what, teary goodbyes after spending xmas together, telling each other how much we were in love etc.

 

The next 2 years where good too, but we started to wonder what would happen longterm..

 

At the 3.5 year point, the first problems came.. her friends who met their local partners were getting married, the cost of travelling every weekend was huge..and meant no money for holidays, dissapointments, lonliness

 

Then half a year of looking at every single option to commute, none of which worked out.

 

Then at 4 years, i think we r both solid, and announce ill look for work by her, to my surprise her feelings have faded and she isnt sure anymore..she says it is down to distance.

 

We are both back together within 4 days, a passionate makeup, swearing of undying love etc

 

But.. we both know we will never be together properely, that over half our nights we will sleep alone and things gradually go downhill, the weekends are still amazing- but! the time inbetween has gone from hours on the phone, to a few emails a day.

 

Finally it comes to a head when i realise she simply is not happy, and that although i dont want to lose her i NEED to let her go if she is going to be happy..

 

Now why have i waffled on so long?

 

Because i met the most compatible person i will ever meet.. she is the love of my life.

 

But with LDR and no commitment to ending the LDR- we couldnt make it work

 

I hope this doesnt happen for you, but it is my believe that LDR are much harder to maintain anyway! And with no end in sight it is a matter of time

 

But i do hope things work for you and your SO

[HeavenOrHell]

Our r/ship is far from being just for fun or pass the time by! Neither of us is interested in anything shallow. We wouldn't go to all this trouble if it were just for fun!

Neither of us are into marriage, never have been, we're not conventional types at all, we've never wanted kids either, I can see what you're saying but we don't want these traditional things which most other couples want. Of course if you want marriage or kids then LD won't work.

We are very committed to this r/ship.

The point for us is that we enjoy the closeness and connection we have, we enjoy our daily communication and our visits every other month, things are good at the moment, 16 days together and then 2 weeks in December, things like that make it worthwhile. I would rather have what we have than not have him in my life.

I rarely meet people I click with, so he's not easy to let go of.

If I were constantly unhappy then yes it would totally be pointless.

 

I understand why people would make the comment "pointless." Although it may be offensive to you and make you angry, there is SOME validity to it.

 

For most people, dating and relationships aren't just "for fun" or to pass the time by. They have a plan and see the relationship moving forward and hitting the various landmarks of being together. Dating, engagement, marriage, living together, kids, etc etc.

 

Although that lifestyle may not be for EVERYONE, based on YOUR posts, it seems that is your mind set as well. You openly admit to being depressed about your situation. So I can safely assume you DO want these things with him, you DO want to proceed further, make further commitments, but due to logistics you can't.

 

So I can understand why someone would use the term "pointless" and it might not be out of such a bad place, but maybe in a place that's looking out for you.

 

If there's no end in sight, there is no plan, and you're essentially going to be in a LDR "forever" then some may see this as compromising what you ultimately want out of a relationship. It's not fair to you. As much as you love this guy, love the time you spend together... if you don't have any plan, and there is no way you two will ever be together, then ultimately what IS the point in being with him? I'm asking because I'm confused. If you are sad about the situation, depressed, you want more... why are you limiting yourself to just being with him?

 

If you will never live with him, never be able to be near each other, never be able to get engaged, have a family, be married, and all the stuff that couples go through, that you may want, then what are you hanging on to? It's setting you up for being further hurt down the line if/when it continues to go no where, and it's setting you up to never being able to find someone closer to you, someone who CAN give you what you're looking for 100% but will never meet because your mind and heart is so wrapped up in a person that's so far away.

 

I wouldn't say the relationship is meaningless. Because obviously you both care for each other, but for your situation on the word "pointless" I do have to agree with it, especially because there are things you do want, and you will never get. I suspect you get angry with these words, and this way of thought, because perhaps deep down YOU'RE angry that nothing will ever go anywhere. If you were a person who didn't want anything more out of this relationship, you were completely fine with it, OK with the distance and never being together in close proximity, I wouldn't say it was pointless for you.

 

I was in a LDR two years ago and I got into it after swearing to myself I'd never be in a LDR again. It lasted 19 months but the only reason I remained in it and pushed through was because we had that light at the end of the tunnel, him moving back home and us being close together again. For me, it was too hard a struggle to be far away and think that maybe he'd never move back home, or perhaps get a new job where he was. There was no way I was going to be able to remain with him if it was an indefinite, unplanned LDR.

[d0nnivain]

Heaven or Hell

 

 

If you are happy in your relationship, good for you! Who cares what I think or what works (or doesn't work) for me? You certainly shouldn't.

 

 

I took your original post to be invitation to explain why people hold a view that is opposite from you because you were getting hurt when people disparaged your LDR. My explanation was meant to show you that what you are considering hurtful comments may have been born from a good place & that your friends who say negative things about an on-going LDR are simply -- possibly awkwardly -- expressing concern for you that you may be settling or accepting something less than what they think you deserve.

 

 

You & your SO also have a lot of actual time together. One of my BFFs is in a healthy committed relationship like that. She lives in PA; he lives in AZ. Because he travels for business they see each other at least every other month & that works for them. If you never saw each other, I may have strongly encouraged you to re-evaluate the situation but if what you have is working for you, don't invite trouble even on a message board.

[FitChick]

If you will never live with him, never be able to be near each other, never be able to get engaged, have a family, be married, and all the stuff that couples go through, that you may want, then what are you hanging on to? It's setting you up to never being able to find someone closer to you, someone who CAN give you what you're looking for.

That's why I've ended relationships that seemed to be headed on an endless road to Nowhere. I don't care what works for other people. I know what I want.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Slight rant here, but I feel annoyed/upset when I hear people here say LDR's are pointless or meaningless when there's no end to the distance, it hurts me when people say that, because my r/ship has no end in sight, but the 3 1/2 years we've been together have been extremely meaningful to us both, what we have is beautiful whether we have an end in sight or not. Even if we end up splitting up over the lack of an end in sight it doesn't mean our time together will have been pointless.

It's fair enough if people think *their* r/ship would be pointless/meaningless to them with no end in sight, but please have some respect to those of us in LDR's with no end in sight who feel theirs is far from pointless. I don't like having my r/ship belittled.

My friends and family have never said my r/ship is pointless, they can see that despite everything we still love each other and don't want to give up for the foreseeable.

 

You are free to think it is not pointless and others are free to think it is. You understandably have an emotional response as you feel it is an implicit if not explicit attack on your current circumstance.

 

There are tons of variables involved in these types of situations. For instance, a college couple who moved to different states/countries have 3-4 yrs to complete college and then after that where they find a job will influence the outcome as well.

 

It is highly unreasonable for most to do things that from a logical standpoint are deemed pointless by the consensus. Notice I've said, LOGICAL, not EMOTIONAL standpoint. Think about it practically, let's take the person I like right now for instance, I have a work visa valid in the UK until April of next year but I moved back to LA earlier this year. He lives in the EU. We met online literally right as I moved back to the USA. He won the visa lottery. Provided that the visa comes through and I/we haven't met anyone else in between that compares, we will be together. Based on his case number we have an idea when he will be here. Realistically, if God forbid his green card doesn't pan out I am not prepared for the mental and emotional exhaustion of an incessant LDR. We haven't met yet but if all goes well we are slated to meet early next year.

 

The fact is someone has to move where the other is eventually. Someone has to take initiative; someone has to sacrifice. HELLO. But yes there are plenty of different kinds of "pointless" relationship circumstances i.e. my ex who is leading on his gf for almost 4yrs telling her he doesn't think he wants to get married when the reality is he doesn't want to get married TO HER. I can go ad infinitum about "pointless" things. If it is working for you then keep on keeping on. I don't see why it would bother you so much if you were so secure both consciously and subconsciously. A part of you (the rational bit) probably knows SOMEONE has to take that step. Point. Blank. .

[nomadic_butterfly]

That's why I've ended relationships that seemed to be headed on an endless road to Nowhere. I don't care what works for other people. I know what I want.

 

AMEN! LOL. I am precise and concise. I know exactly what I do and don't want. What does and doesn't work for me, myself and I. Logic must supersede emotion or one is bound to have incessant perils.

[pteromom]

If you are happy and he is happy, then it doesn't matter what other people think. Only you know how deep and real your relationship is and you don't have to convince anyone else.

 

In your situation, where you don't want marriage or children, then this doesn't necessarily seem pointless to me, as long as you are getting enough love and physical contact to keep you satisfied.

 

When you cry, is seeing his face on Skype enough to soothe you, vs. having his arms around you and your head on his shoulder? Only you can answer that, and if the answer is yes, then the relationship certainly isn't pointless.