No end in sight=pointless?!

[sun1972]

Neither of us are happy about it, it's more that we try to enjoy what we have even if it's not ideal.

 

I would never tell anyone what to do x

 

Im just going on my recent experience, i was willing to put up with the time WE had together

 

(fri night, all sat, half of sunday, xmas, holidays) because it was great, i got lonely in the week but it wasnt enough to end it

 

She felt that unless it became fulltime it was pointless..she was very unhappy with it being ldr

 

i think at 5 years 2 months, i may hold some sort of record for ldr

 

But i sincerely hope your story has a happy ending, or no ending at all

[madjac74]

Ah, I see now it was for a month, I missed that bit.

I agree, who are we to judge, they've must've enjoyed that month every summer as they did it for 12 years, good for them!

That month each year could have been so enjoyable that it was worth it, we don't even know the details here.

Yes, I don't get what his death has to do with it

 

I think she is making the morbid assumption that the 11 months apart for 12 years is what killed him...or she was just letting us know that he died.

 

Anyhoo it sounds like her sister's cousin's brother's friend was happy with the situation. I mean if you break it down for people who are in close distance relationships...an entire month together sounds like a holiday.

[CherryT]

HoH,

 

I don't think your relationship is pointless and if others have their own way of maintaining their relationship - it's the right way. Just like family dynamics. I know people who can't stand seeing their parents more than once or twice a month… where as I would see my parents every day if I could. Does it make those who see them less, less important? No. I think to each their own.

 

Personally speaking though, I struggled with being in a LDR. I completely agree with you in the sense that I would still put up with it and endure the distance to be with my F. Because what we do have, even though it's limited, is better than anything I would want with anyone else. But for me, I would still need to know and feel that an end to the LDR was going to happen eventually. Whether it would be a near or far (years down the road, which is what happened to us). A big part of why it took us a few years was logistics and finances. I'm moving out of the Country to be with him and I can't just pack my bags and leave… I have a business, a home, many things to tie up. But for me, as long as I knew we were heading in that direction, even if it took us 3 years… I was happy to endure the distance. There are things we want to accomplish in our lives - kids, getting married etc. These goals helped up create a plan to close the distance in a time frame that works for us. But everyone has their own set of goals and if doing long distance works for you, then it works for you. Just like how open relationship or marriages work for others. It wouldn't work for me but I'm not going to judge those that it works for.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm so massively loved up from seeing him that the fact we're not together often enough doesn't matter much right now, feel close to him regardless, I miss him, but see him in 4 weeks anyway

Thank you for all the replies

[HeavenOrHell]

If I were seeing him every, or most weekends, I could do this indefinitely for sure, I can be happy alone for several days at time, or with seeing friends, never needed to be with a partner 24/7.

 

 

 

I would never tell anyone what to do x

 

Im just going on my recent experience, i was willing to put up with the time WE had together

 

(fri night, all sat, half of sunday, xmas, holidays) because it was great, i got lonely in the week but it wasnt enough to end it

 

She felt that unless it became fulltime it was pointless..she was very unhappy with it being ldr

 

i think at 5 years 2 months, i may hold some sort of record for ldr

 

But i sincerely hope your story has a happy ending, or no ending at all

[Carenth]

For me there would need to be some end in sight that could be months, years anything just something and that is just because I personally couldn't handle being in a relationship with no end point. When I say that though that is purely my own personal needs speaking. I think for a lot of people they would have similar feelings on the issue.

 

That does not mean I think other peoples relationships are invalid if they are happy going on without an end poin. As long as you are both happy more often than not then that is great. If you are miserable more often than happy that is when I would be reevaluating the relationship this has always being my belief of relationships regardless of distance.

 

I realized I was starting to become unhappy because of the distance nothing major of course but I knew I would regret at least not trying to close the distance even if it didn't work out. It would be one of those things I would look back on and think "what if" in years to come.

[sun1972]

If I were seeing him every, or most weekends, I could do this indefinitely for sure, I can be happy alone for several days at time, or with seeing friends, never needed to be with a partner 24/7.

 

Well i did an 8 hour round trip to 'hand back her keys' today... although i had other reasons too

 

So odd, yet so lovely too see her.. im actually quite proud of myself that despite feeling both emotional and horny i declined staying the night

 

Wierdest moment was walking to lunch..we ALWAYS hold hands (even in bed), obviously i didnt reach for her hand, she didnt either and it felt horrid..

then she suddenly asked to, i squeezed her hand and just welled up ..im such a wimp lol

 

we havent officially made up, because we dont want to go back to an ldr, but basically, i am going to spend a few weeks thinking about things calmly (her idea) and if i move we are fully back on

 

Did i do the right thing by avoiding situations that would have lead to sex?

 

I wanted to..soooooo sooooo much, but i was really worried she would think id turned up looking for a booty call, when that wasnt the case

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw

I think you were right to avoid sex as it may complicate things further...It might not be the best thing right now...But you clearly both feel a lot for each other and you've been together 5 years, wow!

You're not a wimp, you're just sad that things aren't how you want them to be and you miss the way things were.

Do you feel you could move there, and would she be willing to try again if you were able to move? Sounds like she would be from what you said here

I really hope things work out for you two, you have come so far and still have a lot of love for each other.

Keep me posted please

 

 

Well i did an 8 hour round trip to 'hand back her keys' today... although i had other reasons too

 

So odd, yet so lovely too see her.. im actually quite proud of myself that despite feeling both emotional and horny i declined staying the night

 

Wierdest moment was walking to lunch..we ALWAYS hold hands (even in bed), obviously i didnt reach for her hand, she didnt either and it felt horrid..

then she suddenly asked to, i squeezed her hand and just welled up ..im such a wimp lol

 

we havent officially made up, because we dont want to go back to an ldr, but basically, i am going to spend a few weeks thinking about things calmly (her idea) and if i move we are fully back on

 

Did i do the right thing by avoiding situations that would have lead to sex?

 

I wanted to..soooooo sooooo much, but i was really worried she would think id turned up looking for a booty call, when that wasnt the case

[sun1972]

Aw

I think you were right to avoid sex as it may complicate things further...It might not be the best thing right now...But you clearly both feel a lot for each other and you've been together 5 years, wow!

You're not a wimp, you're just sad that things aren't how you want them to be and you miss the way things were.

Do you feel you could move there, and would she be willing to try again if you were able to move? Sounds like she would be from what you said here

I really hope things work out for you two, you have come so far and still have a lot of love for each other.

Keep me posted please

 

she said if i move to her we definitely are back together, she wants us to spend xmas together

 

i think we should only see each other again if i move..after two weeks id finally started eating and sleeping a bit again, this has put me emotionally back to square one.

 

I am gonna take a couple of weeks to think things over *joint decision*

 

people say 'if you love someone it should be an easy decision*

 

and i think ill do it, but its the only job ive ever known, and..a year ago she dumped me and said she wasnt sure she loved me enough to make it work

 

she changed her mind within days, but...it plays on my mind when im giving up everything?

[justwhoiam]

Slight rant here, but I feel annoyed/upset when I hear people here say LDR's are pointless or meaningless when there's no end to the distance, it hurts me when people say that, because my r/ship has no end in sight, but the 3 1/2 years we've been together have been extremely meaningful to us both, what we have is beautiful whether we have an end in sight or not. Even if we end up splitting up over the lack of an end in sight it doesn't mean our time together will have been pointless.

It's fair enough if people think *their* r/ship would be pointless/meaningless to them with no end in sight, but please have some respect to those of us in LDR's with no end in sight who feel theirs is far from pointless. I don't like having my r/ship belittled.

My friends and family have never said my r/ship is pointless, they can see that despite everything we still love each other and don't want to give up for the foreseeable.

 

Sorry, I was away while you wrote this. I agree with every single word you wrote in this post, and it rarely happens.

 

At this point in my life, I know that work should never rule our lives. But I had this happen to me in the past. I don't regret it, as I think that things happen for a reason, and the choices I made in the past came in handy for my later career. But now I can put things more in perspective, and I wouldn't give up the love of my life for work reasons. I'm stuck too, just like you, but due to young children involved and other very personal details I cannot share on this board. I just know that no job would have me in a cage, no matter how much I love it, if it started being an obstacle, it'd become a cage.

 

But I respect your decision. And there might be a light at the end of the tunnel when you least expect it.

[sun1972]

At this point in my life, I know that work should never rule our lives. But I had this happen to me in the past. I just know that no job would have me in a cage, no matter how much I love it, if it started being an obstacle, it'd become a cage.

 

But I respect your decision. And there might be a light at the end of the tunnel when you least expect it.

 

After actually losing someone i love very much, and having a lifeline- i have finally decided to pack in my job and agree with you.

 

It does annoy me when people act as if it is easy though, or say 'if you love this person you will quit your job straight away' because employment is such an important thing

 

I origonally posted on a different board about my situation, and the general consensus was that i should just walk out of my job and become an unemployed bum to move..

 

It...astonished me to be honest.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, it's not easy for everyone to quit their job or find another one which matches it.

My partner says he shouldn't have made his job his priority, but right now he doesn't have much choice.

 

Yes, it's madness if people expect you to just not have a job so you can move, what good would that do!

 

I love my partner but I can't give up my life here for him/my relationship, it wouldn't work, you have to be practical/rational in this life as well as taking risks when/if the time is right. Maybe one day, but not at the moment.

 

 

 

After actually losing someone i love very much, and having a lifeline- i have finally decided to pack in my job and agree with you.

 

It does annoy me when people act as if it is easy though, or say 'if you love this person you will quit your job straight away' because employment is such an important thing

 

I origonally posted on a different board about my situation, and the general consensus was that i should just walk out of my job and become an unemployed bum to move..

 

It...astonished me to be honest.

[HeavenOrHell]

How are you feeling now about moving, will you look for work once you are there, or have a job lined up? Not easy is it..

 

No, it's not an easy decision just because you love someone, giving up my house, friends, my work here and moving to a foreign country when I'm agoraphobic doesn't just diminish or become manageable because I love him!

 

When she said she wasn't sure she loved you enough to make it work last year was it because of the distance really, or?

Yes that would play on my mind too. But there are no guarantees in any r/ship, so if you move it may work out or may not, same as if you had always lived locally.

 

I think there is a big pressure on both sides for it to work when one or both is giving up a lot to move, both need to be aware it may not work out and have a plan B.

My problem is, I would not have a plan B if I moved to him and it didn't work, long story but I would be homeless if that happened.

 

 

she said if i move to her we definitely are back together, she wants us to spend xmas together

 

i think we should only see each other again if i move..after two weeks id finally started eating and sleeping a bit again, this has put me emotionally back to square one.

 

I am gonna take a couple of weeks to think things over *joint decision*

 

people say 'if you love someone it should be an easy decision*

 

and i think ill do it, but its the only job ive ever known, and..a year ago she dumped me and said she wasnt sure she loved me enough to make it work

 

she changed her mind within days, but...it plays on my mind when im giving up everything?

[sun1972]

How are you feeling now about moving, will you look for work once you are there, or have a job lined up? Not easy is it..

 

No, it's not an easy decision just because you love someone, giving up my house, friends, my work here and moving to a foreign country when I'm agoraphobic doesn't just diminish or become manageable because I love him!

 

When she said she wasn't sure she loved you enough to make it work last year was it because of the distance really, or?

Yes that would play on my mind too. But there are no guarantees in any r/ship, so if you move it may work out or may not, same as if you had always lived locally.

 

I think there is a big pressure on both sides for it to work when one or both is giving up a lot to move, both need to be aware it may not work out and have a plan B.

My problem is, I would not have a plan B if I moved to him and it didn't work, long story but I would be homeless if that happened.

 

Im redoing my cv now (at work lol), ive found two good jobs in her area that i could do, but want my cv perfect before i apply.

 

As to how i feel, determined to do it- but nervous

 

I actually dont have worries about us making it work if we live together.. you would have to see it to believe just how close we are when together, even when i took her keys back as a single person we were cuddled up and holding hands within an hour.

 

So if i can get to the 'moved in stage' we will be fine providing i get a job fast

 

I sometimes feel slightly resentful that her leaving her job was a none option from the start, but if i want it i have to do it

 

My biggest fear is this though, ive failed to carry this out before, and I ended it!. I did that because i knew she was unhappy with LDR, but still...

 

She is so skeptical (understandable) and i have concerns that when i come to hand my notice in she will change her mind. She isnt the absense makes the heart grows fonder type, and yes she said it was not seeing me enough that made her feelings fade last year.

 

Overall i wish id done it when we were fresh, madly in love and lust, and hadnt already had some rocky times in the last 12 months (although its always been over me not moving)

[sun1972]

^^^ also have to admit actually not having her as my lady has opened my eyes a lot to what im losing

 

and made me more emotional than i thought was possible from me...just writing this and thinking of us cuddled sat has got me feeling slightly teary.

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw...

Will reply to your other post.

 

 

^^^ also have to admit actually not having her as my lady has opened my eyes a lot to what im losing

 

and made me more emotional than i thought was possible from me...just writing this and thinking of us cuddled sat has got me feeling slightly teary.

[HeavenOrHell]

Your last paragraph here made me think about my partner in the early days initiating talking about how he would transfer his job over here and if he couldn't transfer his current job he'd do this that or that..he was so enthusiastic, but I remember thinking to myself please don't say this just because you're all happy and loved up, don't say these things if you won't be able to do it or have the courage to do it.

Which is exactly what happened, he did ask for a job transfer, but I had to prod him into it in the end as he was no longer talking about it, but his bosses said they couldn't transfer him over here due to financial reasons, he was pretty gutted by it which surprised me as by that point I thought he was just asking to move for my sake and that he'd got cold feed as he was scared.

He said maybe we should split up as it will be harder further down the line But I said I wanted to keep going. That was 2 1/2 years ago.

 

So, I think big decisions shouldn't made during the honeymoon period, I think it far wiser to wait until things have settled down, you have spent more time together rather than rushing ahead into it, which may have been a mistake, you need to know each other properly and to have faced difficult times, seen each other at your worst before making the huge leap to be with them.

 

I don't think your gf will change her mind if you move, it sounds like it was just the distance giving her doubts.

 

>My biggest fear is this though, ive failed to carry this out before, and I ended it!. I did that because i knew she was unhappy with LDR, but still...<

 

My partner did this, failed to move when it was his idea in the first place, (I hadn't even wanted to talk about it back then, it was far too early) and he ended it, twice, for my sake, as he felt bad as I was unhappy.

 

I can understand you feeling a bit resentful about her not considering leaving her job, but me moving to my partner's country has never been a serious option for me, but this is not because my feelings for him are less than his for me, if anything I'd say mine for him are stronger than his for me, but it still doesn't mean I can handle moving, but it's not that I don't care enough or he's not worth it, far far from it.

 

 

 

 

Im redoing my cv now (at work lol), ive found two good jobs in her area that i could do, but want my cv perfect before i apply.

 

As to how i feel, determined to do it- but nervous

 

I actually dont have worries about us making it work if we live together.. you would have to see it to believe just how close we are when together, even when i took her keys back as a single person we were cuddled up and holding hands within an hour.

 

So if i can get to the 'moved in stage' we will be fine providing i get a job fast

 

I sometimes feel slightly resentful that her leaving her job was a none option from the start, but if i want it i have to do it

 

My biggest fear is this though, ive failed to carry this out before, and I ended it!. I did that because i knew she was unhappy with LDR, but still...

 

She is so skeptical (understandable) and i have concerns that when i come to hand my notice in she will change her mind. She isnt the absense makes the heart grows fonder type, and yes she said it was not seeing me enough that made her feelings fade last year.

 

Overall i wish id done it when we were fresh, madly in love and lust, and hadnt already had some rocky times in the last 12 months (although its always been over me not moving)

[sun1972]

Your last paragraph here made me think about my partner in the early days initiating talking about how he would transfer his job over here and if he couldn't transfer his current job he'd do this that or that..he was so enthusiastic, but I remember thinking to myself please don't say this just because you're all happy and loved up, don't say these things if you won't be able to do it or have the courage to do it.

Which is exactly what happened, he did ask for a job transfer, but I had to prod him into it in the end as he was no longer talking about it, but his bosses said they couldn't transfer him over here due to financial reasons, he was pretty gutted by it which surprised me as by that point I thought he was just asking to move for my sake and that he'd got cold feed as he was scared.

He said maybe we should split up as it will be harder further down the line But I said I wanted to keep going. That was 2 1/2 years ago.

 

So, I think big decisions shouldn't made during the honeymoon period, I think it far wiser to wait until things have settled down, you have spent more time together rather than rushing ahead into it, which may have been a mistake, you need to know each other properly and to have faced difficult times, seen each other at your worst before making the huge leap to be with them.

 

I don't think your gf will change her mind if you move, it sounds like it was just the distance giving her doubts.

 

>My biggest fear is this though, ive failed to carry this out before, and I ended it!. I did that because i knew she was unhappy with LDR, but still...<

 

My partner did this, failed to move when it was his idea in the first place, (I hadn't even wanted to talk about it back then, it was far too early) and he ended it, twice, for my sake, as he felt bad as I was unhappy.

 

I can understand you feeling a bit resentful about her not considering leaving her job, but me moving to my partner's country has never been a serious option for me, but this is not because my feelings for him are less than his for me, if anything I'd say mine for him are stronger than his for me, but it still doesn't mean I can handle moving, but it's not that I don't care enough or he's not worth it, far far from it.

 

It does sound like similar situations doesnt it?

 

Do you ever have worries about the future?. Does your DH struggle with the distance?

 

And well she has been unhappy with the LDR situation for years, we looked at every city possible for affordable commuting.

 

I am probably going to have to do one thing i dont agree with to keep things smooth to be honest

 

She is insistent we are both single until i have moved.. fair enough, i am not concerned about her meeting others etc.

 

Yet wants us to spend time together over xmas, which to me is ODD if not a couple. Your either together or your not in my mind.

 

But i will probably do whatever she wants, which bugs me because i feel ..like a supplicant i suppose.

 

Your right about not making decisions in the honeymoon period, and in the last 5 years we have spent 1000+ quality days together (other ldr have far less i think?) . So definitely not honeymoon.

 

I meant, leaving it until things are so rocky was a bad move, it took this to make me do it i suppose.

[HeavenOrHell]

Forgot to add I've never made him feel bad about not moving, he knows I totally understand his fears/lack of confidence with it, I'm the same anyway, so of course I understand...

The only thing which niggled me was that it was his idea to move and he pressured me into talking about it when I wasn't ready and by the time I was ready he said we don't need to talk about it endlessly Not that I was talking about it endlessly, I talked about it sometimes because he'd put the idea in my head!

So I wanted to know if he'd changed his mind about moving, he said he hadn't but it wasn't easy to do and that he procrastinates when he feels overwhelmed by something. This was a couple of years ago.

Bit by bit I've given up on him ever moving, and I don't feel able to, so....

We've said all we can say about it for now, it's now a touchy subject and pointless talking about it when we can't change anything for now.

He says it's not that he doesn't want me to talk about it but more that he feels frustrated about the situation as he feels he can't change it.

[sun1972]

Forgot to add I've never made him feel bad about not moving, he knows I totally understand his fears/lack of confidence with it, I'm the same anyway, so of course I understand...

The only thing which niggled me was that it was his idea to move and he pressured me into talking about it when I wasn't ready and by the time I was ready he said we don't need to talk about it endlessly Not that I was talking about it endlessly, I talked about it sometimes because he'd put the idea in my head!

So I wanted to know if he'd changed his mind about moving, he said he hadn't but it wasn't easy to do and that he procrastinates when he feels overwhelmed by something. This was a couple of years ago.

Bit by bit I've given up on him ever moving, and I don't feel able to, so....

We've said all we can say about it for now, it's now a touchy subject and pointless talking about it when we can't change anything for now.

He says it's not that he doesn't want me to talk about it but more that he feels frustrated about the situation as he feels he can't change it.

 

 

awww i am sorry if ive brought up painful stuff x

 

can i ask how many days a year you get to be together? we managed around 100-150 days a year (every weekend etc) which wasnt enough for her.. and the travelling costs was horrendous.

 

do you see yourself doing distance 10 years from now?

 

unlike you, i was given an ultimatum...a long time ago about closing the distance, although she didnt act on it.