No end in sight=pointless?!

[ThisGal]

 

The fact is someone has to move where the other is eventually. Someone has to take initiative; someone has to sacrifice.

 

I definitely agree. The keyword is SACRIFICE. If you both truly love each other (which I don't doubt) then one of you will have to take a leap of faith. You are both unwilling to move to one's country, you're setting yourself up for failure. Ultimately, one of you will have to budge if you want the gap to close. You both are sitting on your hands.

 

It's been almost 4 long years! It's time for one of you to say "hey, I am willing to leave my job to be with the love of my life. I'll find another job before moving, but this is the sacrifice I am willing to make to be with someone I truly believe is a blessing in my life."

 

For instance, I always said I would never move, nothing in the world would ever make me move, nope, not leaving family, nope, not leaving friends, nope, not leaving work, but all that went down the drain when I fell for my boyfriend. We have already discussed that if he cannot find a job here, in my state within 6 months (which he has been making a real effort to) then I will move to be with him since my job is transferable. I am willing to make that sacrifice. Will it be easy? Heck no! But we both know a good thing and are unwilling to lose each other.

 

While you are both with each other now have a serious conversation. You both have to be upfront with each other about realistic expectations. You are doing yourself a big disservice by allowing yourself to be shortchanged. You obviously want more out of the relationship. One of you will have to take initiative, HOH. Put 'anxiety' and whatever measly excuse on the back burner. Life is too short to not make a change. And if things do not pan out the way you wish it would then oh well. At least you tried. That's my philosophy as well. So yes, I agree that it is pointless, however, not meaningless. There is a difference.

 

P.S. Make sure that children really isn't for you. My mom had me @ 42 years old. She would have regretted not having me she said. And make sure marriage is truly not for you and you're not just saying this to help you sleep at night or because he said it. Being in your 40s is still young. Do not feel like you can't get what you want out of a relationship just because you both supposedly do not care to get married or have children. Closing the distance is paramount.

 

I hope I didn't offend you in any way but I'm sure I have. Don't mean to. I truly wish you two the best. It is a difficult situation to be in. Please talk to him now while he's physically there with you. Good luck!

Edited November 14, 2013 by ThisGal

[Els]

HoH,

 

Different strokes for different folks. People tend to project their own opinions on to others' lives, and these forums are no different.

 

Personally, I don't think I could stay in a LDR for many years without a plan to be together. But that doesn't mean it's not possible or pointless. Different people are different and you should do whatever works for YOU.

 

There is no need to justify yourself to those who do not understand, really. As long as you're happy with whatever you're doing and not hurting anyone else in the process, you're already on top of the curve, IMO.

[bumpyroad]

Slight rant here, but I feel annoyed/upset when I hear people here say LDR's are pointless or meaningless when there's no end to the distance, it hurts me when people say that, because my r/ship has no end in sight, but the 3 1/2 years we've been together have been extremely meaningful to us both, what we have is beautiful whether we have an end in sight or not. Even if we end up splitting up over the lack of an end in sight it doesn't mean our time together will have been pointless.

It's fair enough if people think *their* r/ship would be pointless/meaningless to them with no end in sight, but please have some respect to those of us in LDR's with no end in sight who feel theirs is far from pointless. I don't like having my r/ship belittled.

My friends and family have never said my r/ship is pointless, they can see that despite everything we still love each other and don't want to give up for the foreseeable.

 

Hey, don't worry about what other people say.

 

If the connection/love between you two is there, and you're determined to make it work, then you can.

 

I know of a couple that were long-distance for 3 years, in the end one moved across the country, and now they're married with a baby.

[Toddbt12y1]

The only thing an LDR lacks is true body to body, and all that jazz that comes with it. If the emotions are there, the connection is strong enough....HoH should just tell other people to go shove it.

 

If you are happy and safe, who cares? Although plans should be made for the future once again....It is alright now. Nothing is pointless, nothing in which you pour your heart and soul into.

 

If love is a basis of being near a person, woe is us. Lol! You love him, that is enough for you. I wish you only the best.

[bumpyroad]

I wish you only the best.

 

I second this.

[LittleTiger]

HOH, I'll add another vote for "if you're happy, who cares what anybody else says or thinks?"

 

I think Kiwi man and I hold the 'current members' LS LDR record as we had our 4 year anniversary yesterday (from the day we met in person) - we also hold the distance record at 12,000 miles - and many people have said, understandably, that we're both crazy! I say 'probably', but we're happy!

 

We just spent three wonderful months together and talked a lot about the future. One of those future's is continuing our LDR until we retire, with only 50% of our time together for perhaps another 20 years. If that's how it works out, so be it. It may not be how other people would choose to live their lives, but I'm not other people.

 

If you are happy and satisfied with your life as it is and with your relationship as it is, don't worry what the rest of the world thinks. It's only pointless if you think it's pointless. If you're not happy and you're somehow feeling 'cheated' in your current situation, then change something - but change it when the time is right for you.

 

I hope you're having a great time together right now.

[nomadic_butterfly]

It was pointless for you, but not for me, and you said it wasn't the distance which split you up, so maybe you weren't compatible enough long term whether you were LD or not.

The physical aspect of our r/ship is very important to me, we meet every other month, this month and next we have a month together in total.

As I said I have phases where I struggle it, but I don't split up with him because I love the daily closeness we have and our visits, I would rather this than not have him at all.

I wouldn't be able to do this if we only met every 3 months.

 

Please don't mistake what people are saying for wishing you ill. I doubt many people do unless they lead miserable lives. But I cannot imagine something someone else saying about a circumstance I'm secure about bothering me this much to the point of feeling the need to defend.

 

Take for instance the fact I date all races. Some people don't approve of it and I've gotten stares and snide remarks. I am not going to post or blog or vlog about it because I genuinely, consciously and subconsciously don't care so it doesn't cross my mind to bring it up at all. Truth is a part of you knows that the distance has to be closed at some point. And I echo the sentiments that "pointless" shouldn't be mistaken for meaningless. Only you two know how you feel. The gap has to be closed eventually. This is just realistic. However, it is up to you two to determine when. Sacrifice has to be made. Sacrifice is a part of love.

 

In essence it's like saying your job, or whatever else is binding you two to where you are is most important. I could understand if there were children involved or anything that causes complexities. I think because there's been so many hiccups along the way in your relationship, it contributes (and quite understandably) to the apprehensions and reservations the two of you have. I would too. No way I'd give up an awesome job for a rocky relationship. But that's just me :-)

 

Where there is a will there is a way. If you are both that good at your jobs unless the market/field is completely non-existent in the other place with time and patience you should be able to get another job where the other is although it might take time.

Edited November 14, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[HeavenOrHell]

No-one has actually said to ME that my r/ship is pointless, it's more that it's something I read in this forum again and again about LDR's in general, so I just wanted to set the record straight and say actually some of us DON'T think it's pointless and please don't belittle our r/ships or what we feel, just because those people feel it would be pointless to them, like I said earlier no-one can speak for everyone, far from it.

I'm defending it because I often defend things I feel strongly about, it's part of my nature to speak up/out when someone is saying something wrong/incorrect about something which is close to my heart.

 

Neither me or him have kids, but our reasons for not moving in the foreseeable are as valid to us, it's not for anyone else to tell us whether our reasons are valid enough or not.

 

> I think because there's been so many hiccups along the way in your relationship, it contributes (and quite understandably) to the apprehensions and reservations the two of you have. I would too. No way I'd give up an awesome job for a rocky relationship. But that's just me :-) <

 

There's been hiccups because of the distance, the fact we got back together twice and are closer than ever has made us even stronger, the reservations we have about moving countries are not to do with how we feel about each other.

 

Please don't mistake what people are saying for wishing you ill. I doubt many people do unless they lead miserable lives. But I cannot imagine something someone else saying about a circumstance I'm secure about bothering me this much to the point of feeling the need to defend.

 

Take for instance the fact I date all races. Some people don't approve of it and I've gotten stares and snide remarks. I am not going to post or blog or vlog about it because I genuinely, consciously and subconsciously don't care so it doesn't cross my mind to bring it up at all. Truth is a part of you knows that the distance has to be closed at some point. And I echo the sentiments that "pointless" shouldn't be mistaken for meaningless. Only you two know how you feel. The gap has to be closed eventually. This is just realistic. However, it is up to you two to determine when. Sacrifice has to be made. Sacrifice is a part of love.

 

In essence it's like saying your job, or whatever else is binding you two to where you are is most important. I could understand if there were children involved or anything that causes complexities. I think because there's been so many hiccups along the way in your relationship, it contributes (and quite understandably) to the apprehensions and reservations the two of you have. I would too. No way I'd give up an awesome job for a rocky relationship. But that's just me :-)

 

Where there is a will there is a way. If you are both that good at your jobs unless the market/field is completely non-existent in the other place with time and patience you should be able to get another job where the other is although it might take time.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm also free to defend my r/ship and to say it's not pointless, to anyone who lumps all LDR's with no end in sight together as pointless!

Of course there are tons of variables, that's what I'm saying!

 

I'm also aware we may well split up if we don't move, but again my point will still be that this r/ship is not pointless to me and him, no matter what.

Local r/ships can last a shorter time than my LDR has lasted, all my r/ships lasted a shorter time than this one except my last r/ship with my partner who I lived with for 18 years, no guarantees in any r/ship.

 

And HELLO why are you annoyed by the fact I feel upset when people call my type of r/ship pointless?! I mean forgive me for having feelings and wanting to set the record straight.

 

You are free to think it is not pointless and others are free to think it is. You understandably have an emotional response as you feel it is an implicit if not explicit attack on your current circumstance.

 

There are tons of variables involved in these types of situations. For instance, a college couple who moved to different states/countries have 3-4 yrs to complete college and then after that where they find a job will influence the outcome as well.

 

It is highly unreasonable for most to do things that from a logical standpoint are deemed pointless by the consensus. Notice I've said, LOGICAL, not EMOTIONAL standpoint. Think about it practically, let's take the person I like right now for instance, I have a work visa valid in the UK until April of next year but I moved back to LA earlier this year. He lives in the EU. We met online literally right as I moved back to the USA. He won the visa lottery. Provided that the visa comes through and I/we haven't met anyone else in between that compares, we will be together. Based on his case number we have an idea when he will be here. Realistically, if God forbid his green card doesn't pan out I am not prepared for the mental and emotional exhaustion of an incessant LDR. We haven't met yet but if all goes well we are slated to meet early next year.

 

The fact is someone has to move where the other is eventually. Someone has to take initiative; someone has to sacrifice. HELLO. But yes there are plenty of different kinds of "pointless" relationship circumstances i.e. my ex who is leading on his gf for almost 4yrs telling her he doesn't think he wants to get married when the reality is he doesn't want to get married TO HER. I can go ad infinitum about "pointless" things. If it is working for you then keep on keeping on. I don't see why it would bother you so much if you were so secure both consciously and subconsciously. A part of you (the rational bit) probably knows SOMEONE has to take that step. Point. Blank. .

[HeavenOrHell]

Love doesn't conquer all unfortunately, only in fairy tales.

We all have different personalities and circumstances.

I don't feel that we don't care enough about each other to not make sacrifices, I just know that for me I would not be happy moving to his country not matter how much I love him, yes I have too much to give up inclujding a house which I would not get back if we split up, if we split I would be homeless, if we split he wouldn't be, I've come to close to that situation before and am much more cautious now. My house is my only security, lived in it for 20 years.

I have mental health problems, this is another reason it would be wrong for me to move, also my close group of friends here are my support network. The charity work I do with animals from my home I would be be unlikely to do in his country, my work is my passion, my reason to be.

I can't give up these things which keep me sane and move to his country and only have him there, in a country I don't speak the language.

Of course I wish he felt confident enough to move here, that was his plan originally, but it's not so easy to give a secure job up in this job climate.

 

> One of you will have to take initiative, HOH. Put 'anxiety' and whatever measly excuse on the back burner. Life is too short to not make a change. And if things do not pan out the way you wish it would then oh well. At least you tried.<

 

Anxiety is far from a measly excuse, it's not just a bit of an anxiety, it's something I've suffered with all my life, it's sever, as well as depression. For me to travel to his with agoraphobia is extremely stressful for me, the stress makes me ill to try and move countries for me would not work.

And if I moved and it didn't work out I could hardly shrug it off I'd have given up my home and have nowhere to go back to.

We've had plenty of conversations about it, trust me.

Yes, children aren't for me, I've felt this way about it since I was a kid, never wanted kids, mostly as I find it hard enough looking after myself, I couldn't be responsible for caring for a child. If I met someone who wanted kids he wouldn't be the man for me. I'm 47 anyway, but that's irrelevant.

I've felt the same way about marriage all my life as well, me and my ex didn't get married as it's not something we were in to, we were together nearly 20 years, if I were the marrying type it would have been with him.

 

>While you are both with each other now have a serious conversation. You both have to be upfront with each other about realistic expectations. You are doing yourself a big disservice by allowing yourself to be shortchanged. You obviously want more out of the relationship. That's my philosophy as well. So yes, I agree that it is pointless, however, not meaningless. There is a difference.

 

P.S. Make sure that children really isn't for you. My mom had me @ 42 years old. She would have regretted not having me she said. And make sure marriage is truly not for you and you're not just saying this to help you sleep at night or because he said it. Being in your 40s is still young. Do not feel like you can't get what you want out of a relationship just because you both supposedly do not care to get married or have children. Closing the distance is paramount.

 

I hope I didn't offend you in any way but I'm sure I have. Don't mean to. I truly wish you two the best. It is a difficult situation to be in. Please talk to him now while he's physically there with you. Good luck!

[HeavenOrHell]

For me all I can say is it's not because I don't love him enough that I'm not moving, and I don't feel that's why he's not moving either. We're both complex characters, and some of the ways we are similar in count against us.

[nomadic_butterfly]

I'm also free to defend my r/ship and to say it's not pointless, to anyone who lumps all LDR's with no end in sight together as pointless!

Of course there are tons of variables, that's what I'm saying!

 

And HELLO why are you annoyed by the fact I feel upset when people call my type of r/ship pointless?! I mean forgive me for having feelings and wanting to set the record straight.

 

I am not at all "annoyed" nor did I state that, but perhaps that is how you interpreted it. At the end of the day other people's opinions on this matter contrary to yours bothers you. I get it. Other people are entitled to their opinions. That's just a fact. You wrote a post and people wrote rebuttals and counter arguments/perspectives. That is how a forum/discussion works. As I said in my retraction, it is not "meaningless" and I don't view your feeling as illegitimate as it is not my place to do so and I am not you or him.

 

Anyway, as I said before I wish you all the best.

[nomadic_butterfly]

No-one has actually said to ME that my r/ship is pointless, it's more that it's something I read in this forum again and again about LDR's in general, so I just wanted to set the record straight and say actually some of us DON'T think it's pointless and please don't belittle our r/ships or what we feel, just because those people feel it would be pointless to them, like I said earlier no-one can speak for everyone, far from it.

I'm defending it because I often defend things I feel strongly about, it's part of my nature to speak up/out when someone is saying something wrong/incorrect about something which is close to my heart.

 

Neither me or him have kids, but our reasons for not moving in the foreseeable are as valid to us, it's not for anyone else to tell us whether our reasons are valid enough or not.

 

> I think because there's been so many hiccups along the way in your relationship, it contributes (and quite understandably) to the apprehensions and reservations the two of you have. I would too. No way I'd give up an awesome job for a rocky relationship. But that's just me :-) <

 

There's been hiccups because of the distance, the fact we got back together twice and are closer than ever has made us even stronger, the reservations we have about moving countries are not to do with how we feel about each other.

 

No point in posting about your situation then. Some people will disagree some people wont. That is just the way it is. You are not proving anyone "wrong" anymore than anyone of us can prove you "wrong" because we have individual perspectives, dispositions, preferences, experiences, feelings, etc. If I were you I would just say f*** everyone else and do what I want without having to be on defense.

 

My opinion (nor anyone else's for that matter) holds no direct or indirect bearing on your relationship therefore it does not matter. Anyway honey, I sincerely mean this: do whatever pleases you, what makes you happy, what feels right to you, but just remember everyone including yourself and others are entitled to their feelings and opinions :-).

Edited November 18, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[HeavenOrHell]

Saying HELLO in capitals can't be taken any other way as someone sounding annoyed or patronising, but fair enough if you didn't mean it like that, and sorry if that's not how you meant it

 

 

I am not at all "annoyed" nor did I state that, but perhaps that is how you interpreted it. At the end of the day other people's opinions on this matter contrary to yours bothers you. I get it. Other people are entitled to their opinions. That's just a fact. You wrote a post and people wrote rebuttals and counter arguments/perspectives. That is how a forum/discussion works. As I said in my retraction, it is not "meaningless" and I don't view your feeling as illegitimate as it is not my place to do so and I am not you or him.

 

Anyway, as I said before I wish you all the best.

[HeavenOrHell]

Well like I said, the point in me posting it was because I've seen numerous posts about this, giving one sided view points about it, and I wanted to put my point of view across and say that in my case this isn't true, ie speak for yourselves but not for everyone as every LDR is different.

It's true no-one else's opinion matters at the end of the day, but still, I did want to say how I felt.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, unless anyone told me personally my r/ship is pointless because they would be incorrect and of course I want to put them straight, who wouldn't... It's different to saying 'If I were in your position I would find it pointless', that's totally different and understandable, but no-one can speak for someone else in that situation, people often find it hard to be objective, and think only how it is for them and not think how it might be for someone else.

Whereas I CAN see how most people would find their LDR pointless if they couldn't move closer.

Thank you for your good wishes, not sure how things will pan out, but no matter what I won't regret my time spent with him.

 

No point in posting about your situation then. Some people will disagree some people wont. That is just the way it is. You are not proving anyone "wrong" anymore than anyone of us can prove you "wrong" because we have individual perspectives, dispositions, preferences, experiences, feelings, etc. If I were you I would just say f*** everyone else and do what I want without having to be on defense.

 

My opinion (nor anyone else's for that matter) holds no direct or indirect bearing on your relationship therefore it does not matter. Anyway honey, I sincerely mean this: do whatever pleases you, what makes you happy, what feels right to you, but just remember everyone including yourself and others are entitled to their feelings and opinions :-).

[ThisGal]

For me all I can say is it's not because I don't love him enough that I'm not moving, and I don't feel that's why he's not moving either. We're both complex characters, and some of the ways we are similar in count against us.

 

After reading your thorough response to me I definitely understand where you're coming from now. It's not as simple as it seemed. Take care

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you, I really appreciate this

 

After reading your thorough response to me I definitely understand where you're coming from now. It's not as simple as it seemed. Take care

[SoleMate]

It strikes me that it wouldn't really bother you too much when people called your r/s "pointless"...unless you yourself worried about that possibility.

 

Like others have said, the opinions of others carry little weight. It's up to you to say whether your r/s makes sense for you. If they said your job was silly or your house was poorly furnished or your car was underpowered or your hairstyle was out-of-date or your BF was too young/old for you, and you disagreed, wouldn't you just laugh it off? Or post a thread about how your friends were always giving you unsolicited advice and appraisals that you found annoying? Yes.

[sun1972]

Im just curious OP, are you both happy to keep it LDR indefinitely?

[HeavenOrHell]

No, the point of my post is it annoys me when people say LDR's are pointless without an end in sight, because they're speaking for themselves and not for me, people often do this, they look at something only from their point of view and don't see it from someone else's, this is something which niggles me about subjects personal to me and subjects which don't directly involve me.

I've never felt our r/ship was pointless, far from it, if it felt pointless I wouldn't want to be in it as I'd be getting nothing from it. The past 16 days with him were beautiful.

No matter if we split over distance in the end it won't feel like it was pointless to me.

But yes I do care too much what strangers think, and I shouldn't because that IS pointless!

My friends have always been supportive of my r/ship, but that's beside the point.

 

 

 

 

 

It strikes me that it wouldn't really bother you too much when people called your r/s "pointless"...unless you yourself worried about that possibility.

 

Like others have said, the opinions of others carry little weight. It's up to you to say whether your r/s makes sense for you. If they said your job was silly or your house was poorly furnished or your car was underpowered or your hairstyle was out-of-date or your BF was too young/old for you, and you disagreed, wouldn't you just laugh it off? Or post a thread about how your friends were always giving you unsolicited advice and appraisals that you found annoying? Yes.

[HeavenOrHell]

Neither of us are happy about it, it's more that we try to enjoy what we have even if it's not ideal.

 

 

Im just curious OP, are you both happy to keep it LDR indefinitely?

[FitChick]

My aunt had a friend who saw a guy every summer for a month for twelve years. Then he died.

[HeavenOrHell]

She only saw him once a year?! I couldn't do that myself unless it were the whole summer! Maybe they weren't serious about each other or were closing the distance soon.

 

 

 

My aunt had a friend who saw a guy every summer for a month for twelve years. Then he died.

[LittleTiger]

My aunt had a friend who saw a guy every summer for a month for twelve years. Then he died.

 

Perhaps she was happy with her life as it was and she enjoyed that month each year the same way that some of us might enjoy a two week holiday. A break from reality, something different, a bit of sex that she didn't want on an every day basis?

 

Who are we to judge?

 

......and what has his death got to do with it?

[HeavenOrHell]

Ah, I see now it was for a month, I missed that bit.

I agree, who are we to judge, they've must've enjoyed that month every summer as they did it for 12 years, good for them!

That month each year could have been so enjoyable that it was worth it, we don't even know the details here.

Yes, I don't get what his death has to do with it

 

 

 

Perhaps she was happy with her life as it was and she enjoyed that month each year the same way that some of us might enjoy a two week holiday. A break from reality, something different, a bit of sex that she didn't want on an every day basis?

 

Who are we to judge?

 

......and what has his death got to do with it?