I’m going to tell him I want a divorce

[Confusion_Reigns]

I am not going to ask him I’m going to tell him. I believe that this is the only way to do it. I’m not interested in working on things with him so I don’t think its right for me to be anything but direct with him.I don’t want him to think he can do anything to make this different. Really, I truly do not. I wish and hope and pray…but the reality is that…if he hasn’t done much of anything over the last few years to address any of these problems…ON HIS OWN…then I’m thinking that he is more comfortable in this crap we’re in than he is brave to face/learn/understand that his anger is a problem for me and for us….and apparently I am not worth it to him…apparently our family is not worth it to him…apparently we are not worth it to him…but I’m not trying to have a pity party here. I just need some support. I’m afraid but I need to do this….

 

I really have no idea what to expect. I’m trying to have no expectations with this because, well, because I can’t put myself there...and yet I go there anyway...there’s a few different ways I can see this playing out…

 

1. He gets angry, yells, hollars, blames, throws things, punches things, and then peels out in his truck….and comes back for more arguing. This is one of my worst fears. Will he hit me? Idk, I doubt it but really idk…but the real fear is for my son (16 yo) to get involved…my boy is a great kid who wouldn’t hurt a fly…but he will protect those who he believe need protecting. I know how a son loves his mom…and I don’t want him trying to protect me during this time. I can get him out of the house for the night…but that’s just one night…and if this is the way things play out then it’s going to be an ongoing sh*t storm.

 

2. He accepts this and leaves. Not much fuss…but lots of anger…and hurtful words…and he just disappears from my life. I doubt this would happen but maybe. Who knows right? If he leaves I doubt he’s going to really leave…he’ll linger…maybe he’ll do some big major lovey-dovey things…and I hope he does not because that’s a lot of work for no return…it’ll be a waste of his time.

 

3. I fully expect him to get involved with another woman asap and flaunt this in my face…to try to hurt me…I hope he does get involved with another woman…a good woman…someone who can help him be the man he’s meant to be…someone who can truly love him the way a wife should love her husband.

 

4. I fully expect to have major co-parenting issues with him. I expect he will try to be difficult…and also try to make me into the bad guy…I’m not quite sure how but I’m sure it will be attempted.

 

Maybe these are just fears or concerns…idk…I do know that I can’t let these ideas keep me frozen inside…I need to move now. It’s time to move forward. Wish me luck.

[Yasuandio]

If you are really dead serious, why not just have him served, and a court date set up for a temporary order?

 

That would eliminate any drama that could occur between the "telling" and the "doing."

 

Also - you pleadings would ask for him to vacate the home - they usually do.

[GuyInLimbo]

If you tell him in person, make sure it's in a public place where he's less likely to be abusive. I wish you luck and happiness.

[Confusion_Reigns]

Thanks...having him served without a discussion first is just wrong. I won't do that.

 

We still live together and if I tell him in public it's going to keep me safe in public, but we'll eventually go home...and I'll be alone with him. I don't see this as having a major impact other than pissing him off.

[Confusion_Reigns]

So, if I don't know I should just sit it out and wait some more? I'm not really sure what you're saying or suggesting. No, I doubt I can wait any longer. I've given this a lot of time already. Years of time. I wonder if I could just suck it up and live with all this as it is?

 

Well, it all has to start someplace, right? Nothings going to change unless something changes. I do still love him, love has never been the problems...but it makes it that much harder to accept the end and move forward.

 

It's only been since June that I've been on this site. I've been on the fence for much longer, years in fact...that's just who I am and how I am...slow and steady. I'm sure that this decision and action and movement will change not only my life but his and our kids lives as well...so I need to take this slow and steady.

 

Now, I know what needs to happen...I just don't know how to go about it...not really. I suppose no one does really know and we all sorta wing it. and I'm sure that's the codependent in my coming alive...how to 'manage' this with as little damage as possible to all involved...well, I can't truly manage this because I can't have control of this...it really is going to be just what it is.

[2sunny]

If the decision is made - take steps moving FORWARD to make it happen.

 

Don't let anything distract you from your goal.

 

If he reacts or over reacts - disengage. Do not respond - do not add fuel to his temper.

[littlejaz]

If you have truly made the decision to get out, you can have a certain amount of control over the situation. First you are making the decision to take control of your future. You cannot control him or his reaction but you can take control of your life. Before you say anything to him, get yourself an attorney. The decision to get out is an emotional decision, the act of getting out is a business deal. Your attorney will help you map out a plan. You will have to put your emotions on the back burner and listen to what the attorney tells you and then follow their directions. The biggest mistake you can make is to follow your emotions instead of doing what your attorney tells you to do. If you can't do that then you haven't fully committed to getting out. Once you have made a definite decision, you can no longer consider his emotions and you must protect yourself hence the attorney. You can bet once you tell him he is not going to worry about you - emotionally, physically or financially. You must take control- get an attorney.