Makes it okay?

[hurtnomorerika]

Baby turned 3 months today. She's healthy and happy. Laughing and cooing up a storm. However, still nothing from her dad.

 

I'm wondering does it makes it okay for him to leave his daughter since she was a result of an affair? I've heard people say that "well you knew he was married so dont expect him to be around". I didnt know at first, eventually I found out. I still dont think it gives him a right to skip on down the yellow brick road like nothing has happened and that he doesnt have a child to take care of.

 

I dont want pity just understanding.

[underwater2010]

I am always sickened when I hear of a boy (notice I didn't say man) abandoning his child. Nothing makes it okay....no excuses.

 

I am sorry you found yourself in this position and pray for your baby that you meet a good available man to help raise in the loving home she deserves.

[yellowmaverick]

Baby turned 3 months today. She's healthy and happy. Laughing and cooing up a storm. However, still nothing from her dad.

 

I'm wondering does it makes it okay for him to leave his daughter since she was a result of an affair? I've heard people say that "well you knew he was married so dont expect him to be around". I didnt know at first, eventually I found out. I still dont think it gives him a right to skip on down the yellow brick road like nothing has happened and that he doesnt have a child to take care of.

 

I dont want pity just understanding.

 

There is absolutely NOTHING okay about him abandoning his child. Get your child support and forget about him. His loss - big time.

[MissBee]

Baby turned 3 months today. She's healthy and happy. Laughing and cooing up a storm. However, still nothing from her dad.

 

I'm wondering does it makes it okay for him to leave his daughter since she was a result of an affair? I've heard people say that "well you knew he was married so dont expect him to be around". I didnt know at first, eventually I found out. I still dont think it gives him a right to skip on down the yellow brick road like nothing has happened and that he doesnt have a child to take care of.

 

I dont want pity just understanding.

 

He brought a life into the world, and whether it was an affair or not, it was HIS decisions which brought her here so he should definitely take responsibility.

 

Are you planning to take him to court? I also know that it isn't always about the money, and many women can take care of a child financially on their own, but what's important is the child having a father who cares for her and is around. Unfortunately, courts can only force people to financially support their offspring but they cannot force love or make it so that she is treated well by his family. So the sad part is that because of how things came into being it may never be a comfortable situation or fair for her.

 

What do you want out of the situation?

[whichwayisup]

Baby turned 3 months today. She's healthy and happy. Laughing and cooing up a storm. However, still nothing from her dad.

 

I'm wondering does it makes it okay for him to leave his daughter since she was a result of an affair? I've heard people say that "well you knew he was married so dont expect him to be around". I didnt know at first, eventually I found out. I still dont think it gives him a right to skip on down the yellow brick road like nothing has happened and that he doesnt have a child to take care of.

 

I dont want pity just understanding.

 

Of course it's NOT okay. He has washed his hands of you and the baby. As soon as you can accept that, life will be better. Find another male role model for your daughter. DO NOT expect or hope he'll be a dad to her. Besides, do you want a person like that around her?? Think what is best for her growth.

[hurtnomorerika]

He brought a life into the world, and whether it was an affair or not, it was HIS decisions which brought her here so he should definitely take responsibility.

 

Are you planning to take him to court? I also know that it isn't always about the money, and many women can take care of a child financially on their own, but what's important is the child having a father who cares for her and is around. Unfortunately, courts can only force people to financially support their offspring but they cannot force love or make it so that she is treated well by his family. So the sad part is that because of how things came into being it may never be a comfortable situation or fair for her.

 

What do you want out of the situation?

 

Unfortunately, I am having to take him to court. when I tried to reach out to him he changed his number, cut off all communication. So, I wanted him to take care of his daughter and be able to compromise and do what it takes to make sure she have what she needs. I had my mother try to talk to him, she told him he doesnt have to deal with me, he can take care of his daughter without any ties to me. Mind you everything was fine, until I got pregnant. We're both grown adults I shouldnt have had to have my mother talk to him but while I was pregnant I was so confused and hurt I was trying to find all kinds of ways to make him cooperate. He told her he would step up like a man, he talk to her for quite a while got to know her then he fell off the face of the earth.

 

Im okay with the courts making him take care of her financially, because it shouldnt be just left up to me. He took part in her coming here as well. As far as the emotional part, I'll leave that up to God and pray he gives my baby girl strength to deal with it and a good man to be her father one day.

[hurtnomorerika]

Of course it's NOT okay. He has washed his hands of you and the baby. As soon as you can accept that, life will be better. Find another male role model for your daughter. DO NOT expect or hope he'll be a dad to her. Besides, do you want a person like that around her?? Think what is best for her growth.

 

 

You're right and no I dont want a person like that around her.

[whichwayisup]

You're right and no I dont want a person like that around her.

 

Think long and hard about this, weigh your options.

 

If he does end up paying child support, he could change his mind and want to be a big part of his daughters life. You and he WILL have to co parent together, share custody, deal with him for many years to come. Which is the worse of the two evils? Cutting him out completely and that means no child support, doing it on your own with the help of family and friends - OR, having him around, influencing your daughter ... You may not like his parenting style and who knows what she'd be exposed to if he were around her, bad habits, his sh.tty personality.

[hurtnomorerika]

Think long and hard about this, weigh your options.

 

If he does end up paying child support, he could change his mind and want to be a big part of his daughters life. You and he WILL have to co parent together, share custody, deal with him for many years to come. Which is the worse of the two evils? Cutting him out completely and that means no child support, doing it on your own with the help of family and friends - OR, having him around, influencing your daughter ... You may not like his parenting style and who knows what she'd be exposed to if he were around her, bad habits, his sh.tty personality.

 

Ive been thinking about all of this.

[Got it]

I disagree. Child support is in your child's best interest. Your child has the right and whether or not he gets visitation is separate from it. Even if he doesn't pay child support, he is still allowed visitation. So one should be totally separate from the other.

 

He needs to support his child. Period.

[whichwayisup]

Ive been thinking about all of this.

 

Put your daughter first. YES he should pay child support and man up to his responsibilities... But, if you put your daughters emotional self ahead of child support, she will be better off NOT knowing what a c*cksucker (sorry for the language) her daddy really is. She's better off NOT knowing him at all.

 

You will meet someone else who will be a great dad to your child. Your child probably now has a grandfather, possibly an uncle or two, or some other male influences which will be great for her.

 

Right now, all she needs is you.

[Got it]

Put your daughter first. YES he should pay child support and man up to his responsibilities... But, if you put your daughters emotional self ahead of child support, she will be better off NOT knowing what a c*cksucker (sorry for the language) her daddy really is. She's better off NOT knowing him at all.

 

You will meet someone else who will be a great dad to your child. Your child probably now has a grandfather, possibly an uncle or two, or some other male influences which will be great for her.

 

Right now, all she needs is you.

 

But him paying child support does not mean that he will actually want to see his child either. And him NOT paying child support does not guarantee that he won't want to see the child either.

 

Child support has nothing to do with visitation and it is not protection from any influence from the father.

 

OP - my BEST advice, seek a family law attorney and get appropriate legal counsel. Do not make such a major decision based on a message board.

[threelaurels]

Does his BS know about you and your daughter?

 

Not being involved in her life (except financially) is probably the best thing he could do for her as a parent. He does not want your daughter, does not love her, and probably wishes she had never been born. Forcing a relationship between them under those conditions would only hurt your daughter, not benefit her.

 

You need to start thinking about him as nothing more than a sperm donor. It is unlikely that she will ever be more than a mistake to him. I know it hurts, but it's something you eventually have to accept. No one can force him to be a parent if he doesn't want to be.

[hurtnomorerika]

Does his BS know about you and your daughter?

 

Not being involved in her life (except financially) is probably the best thing he could do for her as a parent. He does not want your daughter, does not love her, and probably wishes she had never been born. Forcing a relationship between them under those conditions would only hurt your daughter, not benefit her.

 

You need to start thinking about him as nothing more than a sperm donor. It is unlikely that she will ever be more than a mistake to him. I know it hurts, but it's something you eventually have to accept. No one can force him to be a parent if he doesn't want to be.

 

No, BS does not know. I do think him not being around is the best for everyone.

[blue963]

I had always thought that if I had a child with a father that didn't want to be involved I would just say that I didn't know who the father was. It would rip me apart to have to let the child go with him. He may be the father, but once the child is out of your sight you have no control.

[thecharade]

Because of my job, I have met many children of various ages that have grown up without knowing their fathers. They suffer because of it, internally, even when they pretend they don't. BUT, it's part of this whole "life is not fair, people get hurt" angle that we discuss here, with angry BSs, crushed OW, sad OM, etc. It's true, there is pain in this world. And fair is a wishy washy concept with no real merit or basis. It's all relative. That is what I tell these kids, that life is hard and there is pain, but they can rise above and become better, stronger, happier people regardless.

 

This is not a situation you can force or control, except for the money if you need it. He will be whatever and whoever he is. Nope, it's not fair. Just love your child to pieces, surround her with healthy people, make good choices for yourself, make sure people treat you (and her) well. And let him go. Control what you can and forget the rest. He doesn't deserve you or your daughter.

 

Peace.

[harrybrown]

Have your child's father pay the child support.

 

He is such a gem, to cheat on his wife and to try to abandon his duty.

 

Have the courts deal with him. Hopefully he will learn some responsibility thru the process. Of course, his BS will find out now.

 

Good luck to you and your baby.

[zevahc]

I'm a single male...my daughter's mother abandoned her at a year old and I raised her since then.....I don't care if you are male/female or what...if you choose to have intercourse...then prepare for the result and take responsibility for your actions!

 

This jackass needs to support his child financially...but it sounds like the child may be better off not knowing him if he isn't willing to be around. I have ZERO respect for parents who abandon their children and I don't think they should be in their lives at all...my daughters mother just this year decided she wants to be a mom...screw that! It's not a "do it when it's convenient thing".

[AlwaysGrowing]

Being that the father does not seem to be interested in being a father, the onus will be on you.

 

As a single parent of a daughter you will have to ensure that from now on, you do not enter relationships so lightly. You will have to limit who your daughter is exposed to.

 

I mean this......really, really protect her. She will only have you. Do not let her down.

 

I get angry at how easily some women allow strange men access to their daughters. Abuse can happen at ANY age.

 

I wish you many happy years with your daughter. Don't lose sight of what really matters in life.

[Got it]

I had always thought that if I had a child with a father that didn't want to be involved I would just say that I didn't know who the father was. It would rip me apart to have to let the child go with him. He may be the father, but once the child is out of your sight you have no control.

 

But the child isn't just the mother's child, he/she is also just as tied to the father. If one fears the lack of control over the male counterpart then don't have a child by this man. Whether or not one parent approves of the other parent, both parents have certain parental rights that the State recognizes unless said parent breaks certain laws.

 

This doesn't get to be the call of the mother to decide whether or not the father gets to see the child or decide how much or how little.

 

If you want full control over your child, go to a sperm bank or adopt. After that, and unless you get someone to sign away their parental rights, this is not legal.

[C00kie]

No, it's not ok.

 

One thing is not expecting him to be around YOU, a totally different thing is abandoning his own daughter.

 

Mind you, my father did that with me. Yes, today I am an OW, and I am the daughter of a OW too (once was, not anymore). Coincidence? Maybe not. And they are losers. A truly good man will care for his child. Being married should not make ANY DIFFERENCE when it comes to a son or a daughter. They should feel loved and protected too.

[hurtnomorerika]

I'm a single male...my daughter's mother abandoned her at a year old and I raised her since then.....I don't care if you are male/female or what...if you choose to have intercourse...then prepare for the result and take responsibility for your actions!

 

This jackass needs to support his child financially...but it sounds like the child may be better off not knowing him if he isn't willing to be around. I have ZERO respect for parents who abandon their children and I don't think they should be in their lives at all...my daughters mother just this year decided she wants to be a mom...screw that! It's not a "do it when it's convenient thing".

 

How can a mother leave her child?! Just sad. I couldnt imagine not seeing my kids everyday.

[zevahc]

How can a mother leave her child?! Just sad. I couldnt imagine not seeing my kids everyday.

 

I've heard it best said like this before...trying to understand an illogical person is impossible unless you think like them....and you DON'T want to think like them.

 

I don't get it either. To me, it can't be assigned a gender. I cannot see how any parent..male/female would leave their children. I understand divorces...but not leaving your children. You want to be in their lives...no matter what. I know I did.