Why does she want to still be friends?

[Jimbo]

My girlfriend of 1 year broke up with me but still wants to be friends. Why? We got along so well together, great times! I was her first lover, she waited until she was 30! She dumped me but still wants to be friends. Why? What's the point. I'm here hurting while she wants to talk every few weeks on the phone and email me. Am I her back up plan? I need an honest opinion from a womans perspective. Thanks so much.

[Tony T]

I'm a guy but nobody's grabbed this yet...so I'll give you my take based on experience...and hopefully some ladies will find their way here soon.

 

There could be many reasons for this but it is not productive for you to have an ongoing analysis of them.

 

1. She may be a very nice person, and all indications she is, and while you weren't the man she wanted to be with forever you certainly were the kind of person she wants to have for a friend. After all, you do have quite a shared history.

 

2. She may feel guilty that she caused you pain by ending the relationship. Because she's kind, she may figure that calling now and then sort of eases you down...and doing so probably eases some of her own pain as well. It is NOT a fun thing for someone to end a relationship. Sometimes it is hell on earth emotionally.

 

3. She may want to keep you around, in reserve sortof, until she finds someone else. Or she just may feel some sort of obligation to keep in contact with you.

 

4. She may be wanting to keep up with you. Even though she broke up with you, I'm sure she still gets these pangs of desire to have you back. By phoning you she sort of keeps up with what you're doing...and if you're seeing anyone.

 

5. Do you owe her money?

 

6. She may continue phoning you until she is absolutely sure she's not pregnant. Sometimes the mentrual cycle gets all screwed up under the stress of a break up.

 

7. There is a certain closeness and kinship a woman feels for the man she was with in her first sexual experience. Because she was older and more mature, this probably holds true even more. You will always be very special to her in that regard.

 

8. Because she shared some very special times with you in her life, she just doesn't have the emotional constitution to write you out of her life. She is a really decent person. If you are, you'll understand where she's coming from here.

 

OK, if you need time apart from her with no contact, tell her nicely and tell her why. She will understand. If it's a year...or two...she will be happy to accomodate you because that is your wish. Let her know she's welcome to contact you in a year or two and maybe at that time you will be ready for a friendship.

 

Yes, it's really hard to just be friends with someone you were much closer to. And, yes, she broke up with you. But she loved you enough to let you go...she loved you enough not to string you along...she loved you enough to free you to find someone who could make a good mate for you. There was no obligation on her part to be with you forever and it's no reflection on your manlihood that she broke up. It just wasn't the right time and circumstances for her. That's OK.

 

Now, if you just don't want to associate with her, talk to her, or have anything to do with her ever again because you think she is a royal bxtch, then tell her not to contact you ever again. She would then know that you are not worthy of her friendship and you will spare her wasting her time.

 

I think if she's calling and writing, that's pretty harmless and it shows she's a pretty sincere lady who thinks the world of you, who really cares for you as a dear friend and wishes the very best for you. Sometimes, finding someone like that is a lot better than finding a lover and often a whole lot more difficult.

 

My best to you...and hoping the ladies will chime in overnight or in the morning...depending on where in the world you are located.

[Yumi]

I am still in contact with two of my exes... one of them I consider a friend, the other I think is still a little hurt about the breakup, but as far as I know and as far as they tell me they both WANT to keep in touch with me. A part of it I guess is guilt at least at first... one of these guys I broke up with YEARS ago so there isn't really any there anymore...

 

I was also worried about both of them, at first... I initiated both breakups, because on my part at least ,there just weren't any "sparks." No big argument, nothing that I really hated about these guys... they weren't "the one" but they are good people, we had soem good times, and I do care about them and immediately after breaking up, I was unsure how they felt about the situation and wanted to make sure they were okay... I guess that's part concern and part guilt as well.

 

But it was never as a backup plan... I'm only speaking from my personal experience, but it sounds to me as though your ex realises that even if you two weren't "meant to be," she still found someone with whom she is very compatible, whom she can talk to and laugh with and enjoy communicating with. And it's natural, when you find someone like that, to NOT want to write them out of your life forever. If she is only callign and writing, I would take that at face value, nothing more. If she is coming ot your house, stalking you or something, it may be a different story but I don't get that impression.

 

I agree with Tony--if you need space, ask her for it. If she's genuinely concerned, and my guess is that she is, she will give it to you. Someday, you'll probably realise that you could have a great friend in her as well. But don't worry too much if it takes awhile...