Obsessed? Regretful? Or just Insane?

[LithiumandCoffee]

lol kind of a long story, but I need to vent about what this is...and why its bothering me. Help?

[AnyaNova]

lol kind of a long story, but I need to vent about what this is...and why its bothering me. Help?

 

Not much of a vent do far. Tell us what's up. Perhaps we can help, perhaps not.

[LithiumandCoffee]

Well Ill try to make this quick as I can.

Im a 22 year old bisexual guy with a bit of social and emotional ineptness.

 

 

Ive never dated anyone because my low self esteem and indecisiveness constantly get in the way. It wasn't a huge problem at first, I actually get along well with people. But I seriously just cannot get my act together and decide I want to connect with someone. Mostly its just me falling into this cycle of self loathing and regret. I can be interested with someone at one point, and then completely disconnected and hesitant the next. The attraction is still there, but something holds back and prevents me from going anywhere in a relationship. And it's only relationships, I have no problems making friends or socializing. But I have never been able to take things a step further. As far as I know, Im not bipolar, but Im seriously fed up with it.

Now recently Ive decided I wanted to finally try to get over this. I met a guy on a dating app. Well no, we hit it off great, and we chatted and texted for awhile, but my own insecurity kept me from ever meeting him. I was so disappointed with myself for blowing it again, especially since the guy was actually kind of a nice guy after I got to know him through texts. He was attractive, down to earth and very intelligent. He seemed to really be interested in me. For awhile I thought maybe I could finally connect with someone, but soon thoughts like "he only wants to hook up, why else would he talk to me" or "even if we start something, what can I offer him? He'll leave me for sure". So I gave up even before even trying. To me it sounds logical at the time, but I feel terrible afterwards. And what's worse, he kept asking why I wouldn't even give him a chance. Ive been asked this before when turning someone down, and I always give a lame excuse. This time was no different. But he seemed very frustrated and confused as to why I suddenly didn't want to even want to talk to him any more. I told him it was me and that he should just find someone else. He took it as me not being interested and just leading him on this whole time and called me a pussy for not even bothering to see him and give him a chance. I agreed and decided not to text him back for awhile. He texted me a couple times and I just replied with short responses but we still always ended up in the same subject and conclusion. Til finally I assume he gave up trying to deal with a crazy person and their neurotic antics and didn't text me back. I wished he did, but deep down, I felt it was for the best that he didnt, and in a weird, disturbing way, It felt good.

I swear Im insane.

I don't even know what to call that. I hate feeling so depressed and emotionally stunted, but something in me likes to wallow in self pity and keep me there. I honestly don't even know where it comes from.

So I left it at that for while. I quit the dating app thing for a bit, since it didn't go anywhere and I had much better things to do. Then one day I got curious and made another account in another app. I wasn't expecting much considering what happened last time, and again I just chatted with people but it didn't go anywhere. Then I found the guy's profile on this app. I didn't dare to message him, but I admit I checked up on him quite a bit, just to see if he was online. So one day I get a message from him.

"I see you've been looking at my profile a lot".

Lol I completely forgot that some apps let you see whos been looking at your profile. I was so ashamed at myself that I think I went into panic mode and replied with something like "what are you gonna do about it?, and you have my number anyway". I deleted my profile the next day.

So again I quit the whole app thing for awhile. But curiosity got the better of me again and went back to the first profile. I thought, ok, this time it'll be different. I actually would meet someone this time. I found the guy's profile again, but I learned my lesson and just pretended it wasn't there. But after awhile, he messaged me. Just a simple hello, that I did return this time. I asked him how has been and we ended up texting again. He asked again if there would ever be a chance of us meeting. I felt a little more secure, and said yes, that I would like to. And I did mean it this time. I think this threw him off or something because he didn't seem too convinced. He mentioned he's been very busy lately, but I figured he realized this was a mistake. So we didn't chat as before and usually it was just small talk that didn't go anywhere. I went back to my old cycle of self loathing for even bothering to make these dumb profiles again even when I knew what I was doing isn't really the best thing to do. So I didn't text him or message him for like 2 weeks to see if he'd respond. He didn't, and naturally I assumed he moved on like I should have. So for real this time I deleted the apps, erased his number from my phone, got myself on to productive things and tried to get a positive mindset again.

I honestly don't know what the hell's wrong with me. I never would have guessed I'm such a lunatic on the inside, but it feels good to at least accept that this isn't healthy and vent it on here. Anyone know what this is? Should I see a therapist? Or am I just being really dumb.

Edited November 14, 2013 by LithiumandCoffee
cut off