No love for my wife, too different and love elsewhere

[onlyhumanjim]

Hello everyone,

 

(My apologies as this is a little long)

 

I have a major problem at this time of my life and to be honest, it is tearing me apart.

 

I am married, have been for 4 years and in the relationship for 6. We have a young 3 year old son. My wife and I are both very different with our needs, meaning that I am a person needing comfort and love, I also am the type to want to give comfort and love. My wife on the other hand, she does not like to give comfort and love, she also does not like to receive it. She finds this part of me annoying and I find that part of her annoying. In no way is she a bad person and neither am I, we are simply different.

 

Sex is also effected, one year before my wife became pregnant, our sex declined. To the point where we only did that together once a month if lucky. Sex and lack of love and affection has been this way now for over just over three years.

 

One day, I realized that I was not happy and explained to my wife that I was feeling that things were not right. This was the first time, one of us expressed this. We decided to go see marriage counseling. The counselor basically stated that I was pouring all my love into her, but not receiving it back, therefore I became empty, I felt empty and today, I still feel this way. The counselor also mentioned that due to our extreme differences, it would be a life time struggle to make the relationship work continuously. I have no idea why these things did not come out earlier, but such is life.

 

My problem is that I have not felt love for a while now. My love for my wife has decreased to the point where I no longer feel in love with her. After counselling, I had spent a lot of time trying to love her again. She tried to give me what I need and visa versa, however it has reverted back to what it was before.

 

Added to all what I typed above, I have fallen in love with another woman. This is the icing on the cake and I cannot believe that I have allowed this to happen... I have fallen for another woman and it just happened, it is not just a sexual attraction, I feel so much love for this woman and she also feels the same about me. She too is in a marriage and her situation is very similar to my own.

 

I am here asking for advise, asking for help! I have no idea what I should do in this instance. I want to be happy, I want to be loved... I do not want to live the rest of my life feeling like this. But I am extremely worried for my wife, her feelings and the well being of our son.

[2sunny]

How did I know you would say you love another woman? It's predictable.

 

Given what you've said, get the divorce finalized before communicating with your OW any further.

 

First things first - proper order is key. When your D is final - only communicate at that point IF your OW is then divorced as well - if not, she's still married and you are infringing on her M.

[onlyhumanjim]

How did I know you would say you love another woman? It's predictable.

 

Given what you've said, get the divorce finalized before communicating with your OW any further.

 

First things first - proper order is key. When your D is final - only communicate at that point IF your OW is then divorced as well - if not, she's still married and you are infringing on her M.

 

One thing I forgot to mention is that my wife, son and I are planning to move to her home country. I decided on this as a last ditch effort to fix our marriage. I am hoping that she will change and become better. Now that I think of it, it is a silly idea as one cannot change another person! So, I am stuck in a situation where I either move overseas or not... My wife already stated that if I did not want to live there with her, I could just leave.

[2sunny]

You can only change you.

 

Moving? Above all else - you need to still be a dad to your child - and be involved in the day to day things that requires.

 

If your wife moves - then you need to move too.

[onlyhumanjim]

You can only change you.

 

Moving? Above all else - you need to still be a dad to your child - and be involved in the day to day things that requires.

 

If your wife moves - then you need to move too.

 

And I am prepared to do that, however am I wrong and selfish to think that I deserve to be happy? At the end of the day, if I am not happy, how on earth can I be happy for others, or make others happy. Like my son for example!

 

My wife is going anyway, she will never move or live back here. So it will be me who sacrifices everything for her any my son. It is evident to me that if my wife truly loved me, she would be willing to move anywhere for me and as I would for her. She apparently still loves me, even though my feelings have virtually gone. But yet, she would happily lose me if I were not wanting to remain in the other country.

[AZtragedy]

And I am prepared to do that, however am I wrong and selfish to think that I deserve to be happy? At the end of the day, if I am not happy, how on earth can I be happy for others, or make others happy. Like my son for example!

 

 

I don't know about "wrong" - that depends on the values you and your wife share.

 

As far as selfish - YES. It is completely selfish to put your 'happiness' above and beyond all consideration of other people's emotions, feelings, and commitments.

 

You are married! This means you have made a promise to another person - the most serious promise and commitment humans can make on this planet. If your word is not worth squat, then you have NOTHING. What you call 'happiness' can be given or taken away, and is an ephemeral, fleeting moment. If you are going to live for 'happiness' then you will NEVER have it. What we call 'happiness' cannot be possessed or acquired. Not for long.

 

I suppose I am terribly biased because 6 weeks ago my wife left me for another man that she says she 'is in love with'....so, she is no longer 'in love' with me. She, like you, has said she has to put her happiness first for HER, and that she knows she is now being incredibly selfish. Because of this, I am completely devastated and am reduced to rubble. I am suffering so much because of her selfishness and pursuit of 'happiness'.

 

I beg you to PLEASE keep working with your wife on what is happening with you. Since you are now involved with someone else, you are comparing your affair to your marriage, and obviously the marriage cannot compare to this new 'love'.

 

If you are ok shredding another person to bits, continue on in your quest for 'happiness'. But if you do not give your marriage your absolute best shot, you are hurting yourself as well....sooner or later it will catch up with you.

[strive]

I keep reading me, me, me, or my wife, my wife, my wife. You said you're worried about your son, yet your priority is still yourself.

 

YOUR SON's happiness is the priority here. Whether you stay together or not, or move or not, keep on going to MC or go for D, all your decisions should be based on what's best for HIM in the long run. Your happiness is only secondary.

[2sunny]

And I am prepared to do that, however am I wrong and selfish to think that I deserve to be happy? At the end of the day, if I am not happy, how on earth can I be happy for others, or make others happy. Like my son for example!

 

My wife is going anyway, she will never move or live back here. So it will be me who sacrifices everything for her any my son. It is evident to me that if my wife truly loved me, she would be willing to move anywhere for me and as I would for her. She apparently still loves me, even though my feelings have virtually gone. But yet, she would happily lose me if I were not wanting to remain in the other country.

 

It sounds like you're mad because your wife holds all the power...

[secretlady76]

What is the reason why your wife wants to move?

 

All I would say is that moving is not going to improve the already fragile marriage. If anything it could make it worse. Still the same marriage and the problems that comes with it, just a different house with a different view from the window. You take your problems with you. They don't vanish because you move somewhere else. Plus you will be on 'her' turf. Wow, that'll be the nail in the coffin of your life as you know it.

 

I agree that you need to do what is best for your child. If living in a household where the parents are at eachothers throats is best for your child then so be it, but I doubt that it is. I agree that your wife WILL use your child as a bargaining tool. Don't fall for it. Stand your ground.

 

Your happiness is as important as your wife's happiness and that of your child. Don't sacrifice your happiness to make everyone happy. That always backfires, because, in the end you will be miserable and eventually you will self-implode.

 

The OW. You need to go NC with her and deal with your marriage. If at the end the marriage doesn't work, then you tried your hardest. But you can't do that whilst you are in contact with her. It also giver her the opportunity to deal with her marriage issues. If you both end up out of your marriages then you are free to be together. Just don't leave for her. Your wife will give you hell for it and will make it impossible to see your son (or at least threaten to do that).

[onlyhumanjim]

What is the reason why your wife wants to move?

 

All I would say is that moving is not going to improve the already fragile marriage. If anything it could make it worse. Still the same marriage and the problems that comes with it, just a different house with a different view from the window. You take your problems with you. They don't vanish because you move somewhere else. Plus you will be on 'her' turf. Wow, that'll be the nail in the coffin of your life as you know it.

 

I agree that you need to do what is best for your child. If living in a household where the parents are at eachothers throats is best for your child then so be it, but I doubt that it is. I agree that your wife WILL use your child as a bargaining tool. Don't fall for it. Stand your ground.

 

Your happiness is as important as your wife's happiness and that of your child. Don't sacrifice your happiness to make everyone happy. That always backfires, because, in the end you will be miserable and eventually you will self-implode.

 

The OW. You need to go NC with her and deal with your marriage. If at the end the marriage doesn't work, then you tried your hardest. But you can't do that whilst you are in contact with her. It also giver her the opportunity to deal with her marriage issues. If you both end up out of your marriages then you are free to be together. Just don't leave for her. Your wife will give you hell for it and will make it impossible to see your son (or at least threaten to do that).

 

She has always disliked (in some way) living here! So it was my idea for us to move to her home country to give things a try there. It is, in my opinion, a last ditch effort for her to try to become better. It is her personality, to be the way she is. Her parents are the same as her, no emotion, no love shown towards one another, no hugging and no "I love you".

 

I am the one who feels no longer in love, I spend all my darn time trying to make her happy, trying to make her show something... I do all this, because I need to feel something. She actually had no idea anything was wrong, until I told her. This has gone on for years now and I have reached a point where I can't really go on. Hence the apprehension to move overseas now.

 

My wife and I have discussed divorce last year, as things reached breaking point. We already discussed who would have what etc... But where my son is concerned, I have already stated to my wife that he should go with her. I am not wanting to fight for custody. WHY?

 

1: He is just entering toddlerhood and needs his mum more than me at this time anyway.

2: My wife is unhappy in my country, therefore I would not want to put her in a position where she cannot leave. Her family are all in her home country too. Also, I know I would have him in summer breaks and when he gets older for study here etc.

3: Her family are very wealthy, so I know he would also have everything he need. I earn good money, but I believe he would have more of an education with her and her family to begin with.

 

Where this other woman is concerned, she has shown me how I should feel. Otherwise, yes I will live a lifetime of feeling like this.

 

My wife leaves here later this month, not long to go. I am meant to be following... I am not planning to leave my wife for this other woman as I know she is married and may not leave her husband. I told her that if she does not leave her marriage and she is happy, then I am happy. Also, that we should focus on sorting our problems out before planning any further relationship. See how this goes!

 

About selfishness: It is selfish for one to put their own happiness before others. But does this make it bad? I do not believe so! I have lived my entire life making others happy and forgot to do so for myself. I feel that making oneself happy first is how it should be, otherwise how can one give this to others, if it does not exist within?

[Mr. Lucky]

S

About selfishness: It is selfish for one to put their own happiness before others. But does this make it bad? I do not believe so! I have lived my entire life making others happy and forgot to do so for myself. I feel that making oneself happy first is how it should be, otherwise how can one give this to others, if it does not exist within?

It's selfish if it comes at other people's expense. Forget your wife, now there's your son, this OW and her husband, all of who's lives have been put in turmoil in a effort to fix yours.

 

Putting yourself first isn't the only - or best - road to happiness. There's honor, integrity and satisfaction in living up to the commitments we've made, especially those involving children...

 

Mr. Lucky

[onlyhumanjim]

It's selfish if it comes at other people's expense. Forget your wife, now there's your son, this OW and her husband, all of who's lives have been put in turmoil in a effort to fix yours.

 

Putting yourself first isn't the only - or best - road to happiness. There's honor, integrity and satisfaction in living up to the commitments we've made, especially those involving children...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I do actually agree with you on this one!

 

In short, I think what I am faced with is this: Should I move to another country with my wife if things are as they are? My son, yes, I am trying to figure out what would be best for him in this instance. Staying together, would this be better for him in the long run?

 

The other woman, I bumped into her and had not seen her for some time. She came on to me initially, then we got talking and found that she is unhappy in her marriage. I am not trying to pass blame, not at all... But I have always been loyal and never once considered cheating or an affair. But I have now gone against my very morals on this one.

 

I have mentioned to the other woman that it may be best for us to not see one another any more, until we figure out our own lives. It is clear that our feelings for one another are making our decisions in life more foggy and less clear to figure out.

 

For all of you who has commented so far, thank you so much, it is great to receive all of your thoughts on my problems.

[2sunny]

Stick with your plan to move. BE with your son!

 

If that means you move - then move. If it means your wife stays - then stay.

 

Get rid of the OW - you have no right being involved in her marriage.

[lollipopspot]

Your wife is not the important one. You are not the important one. When you both made the decision to have a child, that's the most important commitment that you need to honor. You brought him onto the planet - I think it's abandonment to live in another country, unless there is some dire reason why. Children need your time and love. Think about it - you want to leave your wife because: "My wife on the other hand, she does not like to give comfort and love." So where is the child going to get it, if not from you?

[onlyhumanjim]

Your wife is not the important one. You are not the important one. When you both made the decision to have a child, that's the most important commitment that you need to honor. You brought him onto the planet - I think it's abandonment to live in another country, unless there is some dire reason why. Children need your time and love. Think about it - you want to leave your wife because: "My wife on the other hand, she does not like to give comfort and love." So where is the child going to get it, if not from you?

 

I am numb and I feel that I am no longer in love with my wife. OK, lets put the OW out of the picture for a second and focus on my son (the OW is leaving to go overseas for over three months, so I have told her to spend time with her husband and work things out, to tell him what she needs and see about a compromise). See, I have already gone through this with my wife and wish the OW to be happy, so explained that she needed to focus on possibly repairing her marriage, then if in the future things do not work, if we are meant to be, then........ see where we are both at in life.

 

If I continue and am not happy, my son will know this eventually. Would be respect the fact that I stayed in an unhappy marriage just for him when he gets older? Would he like the fact that his mother and father never hug, kiss or hardly talk?

 

My wife actually is a wonderful mum and does show love to our son. I am actually very amazed by this as it was a concern for me. She is not capable of showing this to me, where I always have done everything for her and our son and always showing my love and affection, this is simply a difference in personality. But she is a good mother to him, she shows him love and this is a great thing.

Edited November 15, 2013 by onlyhumanjim

[onlyhumanjim]

How did I know you would say you love another woman? It's predictable.

 

Given what you've said, get the divorce finalized before communicating with your OW any further.

 

First things first - proper order is key. When your D is final - only communicate at that point IF your OW is then divorced as well - if not, she's still married and you are infringing on her M.

 

Thank you 2Sunny, this does make sense.

[lollipopspot]

If I continue and am not happy, my son will know this eventually. Would be respect the fact that I stayed in an unhappy marriage just for him when he gets older? Would he like the fact that his mother and father never hug, kiss or hardly talk?

 

You don't have to live as romantic partners, but can you at least be civil? People have an idea of marriage where it always has to be some great romantic adventure. You don't even have to live together, although it's better. You just have to not be in another city or country. Your happiness is not dependent on your marriage.

[onlyhumanjim]

You don't have to live as romantic partners, but can you at least be civil? People have an idea of marriage where it always has to be some great romantic adventure. You don't even have to live together, although it's better. You just have to not be in another city or country. Your happiness is not dependent on your marriage.

 

I understand what you mean, but what happens when one of us needs something? Soon enough, someone would come along? In this case it has happened to me and please I cannot stress how much this goes against my morals, but now I cannot change that fact.

 

If married, but not being together romantically, sexually or lovingly. How is that a marriage? Then if I were to stray (which I have) or she was to do so, this would then be considered wrong.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

My father gave up being my parent so he could be a family with his OW.

 

He did not work at maintaining the relationship. It was irrevocably damaged, and remains so 25 years on.

 

You will never be able to repair leaving/abandoning your son. HE will view you as selfish as time wears on. Do whatever you want to - you've been pretty good at putting yourself #1 anyways - but understand that your happiness comes at the costs of your sons to some extent. You know what the right thing is - you knew it before you posted. You just dont want to.

 

Sorry, no free pass here.

[onlyhumanjim]

My father gave up being my parent so he could be a family with his OW.

 

He did not work at maintaining the relationship. It was irrevocably damaged, and remains so 25 years on.

 

You will never be able to repair leaving/abandoning your son. HE will view you as selfish as time wears on. Do whatever you want to - you've been pretty good at putting yourself #1 anyways - but understand that your happiness comes at the costs of your sons to some extent. You know what the right thing is - you knew it before you posted. You just dont want to.

 

Sorry, no free pass here.

 

Thank you for your reply and for your honesty!

I understand I may be selfish and putting myself #1, but that aside, Should two parents stay together for the son if they are unhappy?

 

You see, it is not just me with an issue! My wife also gets angry at me, because I always want to comfort her and show my love, this is who I am. This actually pisses her off, so over time, I have just stepped back and now feel like I am not needed, because I get nothing from her in terms of love or anything like that. She, however is fine with this. It is her nature.

 

A typical night, I get home from work, we are like housemates. It has been this way for ages now, at least a year before she fell pregnant.

 

Anyway, all the guff and tissue talk aside. Our son is young, if we were to mutually end our marriage now, would he still grow to dislike or even hate me? Would it be better for us to continue this and inevitably end it later, when he is old enough to know what is going on, become more attached to me? Or continue in an unhappy situation for life and become resentful?

[underpants]

Anyway, all the guff and tissue talk aside. Our son is young, if we were to mutually end our marriage now, would he still grow to dislike or even hate me? Would it be better for us to continue this and inevitably end it later, when he is old enough to know what is going on, become more attached to me? Or continue in an unhappy situation for life and become resentful?

 

Personally, I think you should end this now. DEFINATELY keep an acknowledged, open and loving relationship with your son. I don't think she can move him away from you if you do not move as well. Talk to a lawyer.

 

Your ex may very well portray herself as a victim and attempt to poison him against you. Parents that use kids as weapons are not cool. I understand the hurt, but that is pretty whack.

 

How exactly is staying in a bad relationship going to help that?

 

It can be a band-aid or a slow bleed. Choice is yours.

[onlyhumanjim]

Personally, I think you should end this now. DEFINATELY keep an acknowledged, open and loving relationship with your son. I don't think she can move him away from you if you do not move as well. Talk to a lawyer.

 

Your ex may very well portray herself as a victim and attempt to poison him against you. Parents that use kids as weapons are not cool. I understand the hurt, but that is pretty whack.

 

How exactly is staying in a bad relationship going to help that?

 

It can be a band-aid or a slow bleed. Choice is yours.

 

My wife has no family here in my country. She is unhappy here. As much as I would like to have my son, at the end of the day, if I fight for him things would be worse. I mean, I respect my wife enough to know it could be bloody horrible for her if I were to fight her legally for custody, resulting in forcing her to live somewhere she is not wanting to. As he does need his mother is some sense more than me at this age, I could not do that to her.

[underpants]

My wife has no family here in my country. She is unhappy here. As much as I would like to have my son, at the end of the day, if I fight for him things would be worse. I mean, I respect my wife enough to know it could be bloody horrible for her if I were to fight her legally for custody, resulting in forcing her to live somewhere she is not wanting to. As he does need his mother is some sense more than me at this age, I could not do that to her.

 

Whatever you have to tell yourself. Good luck!

[onlyhumanjim]

Whatever you have to tell yourself. Good luck!

 

There are many things I am telling myself... For one, the victims are my wife and son... I have my feelings yes, but they are the ones who will suffer for my actions. I understand all this.

 

I guess part of me is trying to rationalize and justify what I am doing...

 

To be honest, I have never felt so god damn lost and yes, I am the *******!

[AZtragedy]

 

I guess part of me is trying to rationalize and justify what I am doing...

 

 

 

It is a good sign that you can recognize this. Your conscience and love are telling you to tread lightly.

 

Please try to communicate as much as possible with your wife and son, and have as many discussions as possible about EVERYthing.....in my situation, my wife did not tell me a single thing about what she was going through in having an EA and PA, and she very suddenly left me. If she had given me one single time to try to let me in on what was happening with her, who knows how things could have been different now.

 

You owe it to yourself, your wife, and son to explore every single avenue there is available to all of you....please do not choose the avenue by yourself and leave everyone else wondering what happened.