Overcoming Self-Loathing and Negativity

[Pearl27]

Hi Pearl and welcome. You've come to a great place. :-) I'm sorry to read of you're struggles. I totally can relate to being at a low point in my life with loads of selfoathing and anxeity. Mine was mainly do to an underlying disease. Extremely tough time in my life. I assume a therapist gave you the diagnosis of BPD? If so at best you know what your facing and how to treat it. Half the battle is won right there. I'd say keep on top of the BPD, continue with therapy and express yourself here. Take pride in any little steps you make in the right direction. Often enough, major change does not occur overnight. You can get there. I'm rooting for you.

 

Mea :-)

 

Hi mea,

 

Actually, I found out for myself that I have BPD. Shogun made the suggestion that I have it earlier in this thread and I researched it and a lightbulb went off in my head. I'll tell my therapist this weekend about this.

 

Thanks for your support. I might do a journal so I wouldn't flood Loveshack with threads :-)

[Pearl27]

If BPD is indeed what you have, I am not surprised it went unnoticed.

 

BPD doesn't always come out into the open. That's why regular therapy is ineffective at treating BPD. It's very easy to hide it depending on what situation you are in.

 

I've seen therapists who were limited by the knowledge they were taught. Like they really can't conceive how any other explanation besides the one they were taught could be right.

 

I went to therapist after therapist. Psychiatrist after psychiatrist...

I was diagnosed BPD but I was never fully diagnosed with my co-morbid disorders. None of them knew how to help me because none of them understood what was wrong with me. Years wasted on ineffective therapy that ultimately turned me against seeking therapy. I'm only now opening to the idea of getting the right kind.

 

I had to do my own research, become super introspective and diagnose myself. It was not an overnight thing. It took many years of confusion until I was ready to accept certain information and learn from it.

 

Psychology, right now, is incomplete and some theories cannot yet be proven. There is a lot of chicken and egg type discussion, some of which I talked about earlier.

 

I think it's better to be open minded than anything.

 

I'm reading that Bipolar I and Bipolar II are often confused with BPD and vice versa. So it makes sense why my problem was not properly identified.

[Grumpybutfun]

Pearl:

If you need support, flood LS. That is what this place is for. I really hope you and your T can figure out what is best to help you deal with your depression and anxiety. It sounds as though you are very motivated to do so.

Good Luck,

Grumps

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I'm reading that Bipolar I and Bipolar II are often confused with BPD and vice versa. So it makes sense why my problem was not properly identified.

 

That reminds me, I was misdiagnosed as being bi-polar by a very close minded psychiatrist. I only met her one time for 5 minutes and even after explaining what I had already been diagnosed with by whatever that official test is, she still went ahead and tried to prescribe me lithium.

 

She was pissed when I refused.

Edited November 15, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[Pearl27]

Pearl:

If you need support, flood LS. That is what this place is for. I really hope you and your T can figure out what is best to help you deal with your depression and anxiety. It sounds as though you are very motivated to do so.

Good Luck,

Grumps

 

Thanks Grumpy. I hope I am motivated enough. It sounds so daunting knowing I have this problem. The idea I'll have to hold off relationships sounds sad, but then again it makes sense because I really can't have deep relationships now anyway

 

I just hope I'm one of many who will overcome this problem. I really hope to find support groups that will guide and support me.

 

One thing I am realizing is that I have to be more honest with myself, especially emotionally. I may have some pent up anger toward my parents and my sisters too. The way they raised me and treated me has really hurt me. I know I'm angry at them in my head, but in my heart? Whoa, there must be some true darkness going on in there. I'll need to find health outlets for my anger or else I'll get arrested.

[Pearl27]

Actually, I am motivated to get over this. I have been motivated for a while to get over my problems. I just didn't know what they were. So that's why I'm relieved to have a name to my problems.

[Downtown]

The nurture explanation just does not fit in my case. I've thought about it for years and have discussed it many, many times with my psychiatrists. Nobody has been able to explain it.

Marcus, no scientist has proven to a certainty what it is that causes BPD, but the psychiatric community widely agrees that genetics plays a major role. In a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults, it was found that only 70% of the BPDers reported having been abused or abandoned in early chidhood. This means that 30% do not recall experiencing any such abuse. This finding is a blessing to the millions of parents of BPDers who were led to believe that they must have somehow "abused" their BPDer children in some way. The important role of genetics, then, is widely recognized.

 

Indeed, the outstanding issue is not whether genetics alone can cause BPD but, rather, whether abuse alone can do so. The vast majority of abused children never develop BPD. At issue, then, is whether -- absent any genetic predisposition to having a PD -- abuse can be so severe that it alone causes BPD to develop. I suppose the answer is "yes" but have not seen any studies affirming that result.

[Downtown]

I was diagnosed with bipolar II when I was 24 ... this weekend I'll talk with her about me having BPD and getting treatment for it.

Pearl, having BPD when you suffer from bipolar is very common. Of those experiencing bipolar II within the past 12 months, 40% were determined to have comorbid BPD. Of those experiencing bipolar I, 50% also had BPD. See Table 2 at Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Marcus, no scientist has proven to a certainty what it is that causes BPD, but the psychiatric community widely agrees that genetics plays a major role. In a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults, it was found that only 70% of the BPDers reported having been abused or abandoned in early chidhood. This means that 30% do not recall experiencing any such abuse. This finding is a blessing to the millions of parents of BPDers who were led to believe that they must have somehow "abused" their BPDer children in some way. The important role of genetics, then, is widely recognized.

 

Indeed, the outstanding issue is not whether genetics alone can cause BPD but, rather, whether abuse alone can do so. The vast majority of abused children never develop BPD. At issue, then, is whether -- absent any genetic predisposition to having a PD -- abuse can be so severe that it alone causes BPD to develop. I suppose the answer is "yes" but have not seen any studies affirming that result.

 

 

Yes. And as BPDers like to do, I blamed everything on anybody I could. I was never willing to accept that the problem came from within myself. I always blamed my parents for their lenient parenting style, or whatever else I could rationalize.

 

If I had been abused, I would blame all of my problems on abuse, never having to look at the true causes. I would just be another statistic and nobody would question the validity of that assumption.

 

While I feel abuse is very traumatic to anyone, I wonder if the searching for causes stops once someone admits to being abused. It is just assumed that it is the cause.

 

I've had psychologists basically call me a liar when I said I was never abused or molested or neglected or treated at all poorly in any way.

 

When I stopped blaming, I started healing.

[Pearl27]

Pearl, having BPD when you suffer from bipolar is very common. Of those experiencing bipolar II within the past 12 months, 40% were determined to have comorbid BPD. Of those experiencing bipolar I, 50% also had BPD. See Table 2 at Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.

 

I think the difference is bipolar is a chemical problem that can be helped with medication, while BPD is when you have issues that no medication can solve: poor sense of self, unstable and immature emotions.

[Downtown]

I think the difference is bipolar is a chemical problem that can be helped with medication, while BPD is when you have issues that no medication can solve: poor sense of self, unstable and immature emotions.

Yes, that is my understanding too. If you're interested, Pearl, I describe 12 striking differences I've seen between the behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son). It is in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/340022-borderline-personality-disorder-17.html#post4754080.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Yes, that is my understanding too. If you're interested, Pearl, I describe 12 striking differences I've seen between the behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son). It is in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/340022-borderline-personality-disorder-17.html#post4754080.

 

Nice link and post, Downtown.

 

You're observations are appreciated and you made it very clear to me that I am not bi-polar, as once misdiagnosed.

 

That should be a definite resource for those trying to wade through the confusion of getting a proper diagnosis.

[Pearl27]

Yes, that is my understanding too. If you're interested, Pearl, I describe 12 striking differences I've seen between the behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son). It is in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/340022-borderline-personality-disorder-17.html#post4754080.

 

Great list! It explains a lot!

[Grumpybutfun]

Nice link and post, Downtown.

 

You're observations are appreciated and you made it very clear to me that I am not bi-polar, as once misdiagnosed.

 

That should be a definite resource for those trying to wade through the confusion of getting a proper diagnosis.

 

Shogun:

Not to go off topic here (sorry Pearl) but I once read in a Journal of Comparative Psychology that it actually is a good idea for patients to become more proactive in their diagnosis, learn everything they could so they could talk to the Psychiatrist/Psychologist in a more informed manner. After all, the logic went, that the professional couldn't really gauge something specific in a patient if the person wasn't aware of what signs to look for, as half of the symptoms they exhibit seemed normal to them. In that case, misdiagnosis probably happens often.

 

Pearl:

When do you get to confer with your Therapist?

Grumps

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Shogun:

Not to go off topic here (sorry Pearl) but I once read in a Journal of Comparative Psychology that it actually is a good idea for patients to become more proactive in their diagnosis, learn everything they could so they could talk to the Psychiatrist/Psychologist in a more informed manner. After all, the logic went, that the professional couldn't really gauge something specific in a patient if the person wasn't aware of what signs to look for, as half of the symptoms they exhibit seemed normal to them. In that case, misdiagnosis probably happens often.

 

Pearl:

When do you get to confer with your Therapist?

Grumps

 

You are right. Mental health professionals can have a hard time gauging the range of symptoms by simply spending time with a patient. It's not like every mentally ill person keeps a list of every symptom or feeling they've had. Even if they can see you have a disorder, there is a good chance of co-morbid disorders that might not be so obvious.

 

I usually encourage people to self-diagnose, as long as they are not psychotic or delusional.

 

For the first few years of my treatment, I was diagnosed as only having "acute depression" and "anxiety". Pretty lame seeing as how those are symptoms, not a diseases, IMO.

 

First thing, check personality disorders - already observed patterns of combined symptoms. Super easy instead of trying to address one symptom, such as depression.

 

I know the when I was tested, my AvPD was mislabeled as Schizoid PD. To an observer, they look almost identical. Often misdiagnosed, at least back in my day.

 

Some will say you should only seek a diagnosis from a Psychiatrist, but if I had relied on that completely, I would not know what I really have.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Shogun:

Not to go off topic here (sorry Pearl) but I once read in a Journal of Comparative Psychology that it actually is a good idea for patients to become more proactive in their diagnosis, learn everything they could so they could talk to the Psychiatrist/Psychologist in a more informed manner.

 

Actually, I think you are right on topic. Getting a proper diagnosis is a major milestone for someone trying to overcome self-loathing and negativity.

 

Being informed can make it much easier, and take much, much less time.

[Pearl27]

I met with my therapist yesterday and told her I think I might have BPD. She disagreed and went over the criteria, most of which I do not live up to. She did say, though, that I lean more toward Avoidant and Dependent Personality Disorders. This is because I worry far too much about what others think of me and have difficulty trusting myself, and because I avoid any intimacy and prefer shallow, casual connections with others.

 

I don't know where to start on how to trust myself and not give a damn about what others think of me. I know in order to get rid of certain thought habits, you have to develop new thought habits. But how do I do that when I can barely trust myself? Where do I begin? It's so frustrating!

[AnyaNova]

I met with my therapist yesterday and told her I think I might have BPD. She disagreed and went over the criteria, most of which I do not live up to. She did say, though, that I lean more toward Avoidant and Dependent Personality Disorders. This is because I worry far too much about what others think of me and have difficulty trusting myself, and because I avoid any intimacy and prefer shallow, casual connections with others.

 

I don't know where to start on how to trust myself and not give a damn about what others think of me. I know in order to get rid of certain thought habits, you have to develop new thought habits. But how do I do that when I can barely trust myself? Where do I begin? It's so frustrating!

 

Welcome to the AvPD bandwagon (not that we ever, you know, ride on it together or anything). :-p We come in many flavors. I can't really get beyond the superficial level with most people, however, with other AvPD'ers or people who have many traits thereof, I actually can reach a very deep level of trust and intimacy (although you gotta be careful with that one, you can get burned as I did with my most recent ex).

 

It is fascinating, because I keep trying to find answers to the question of how to handle rejection from other AvPD'ers. So far, crickets are chirping, bees buzzing, and nobody seems to have any idea how. :-)

 

I think I just realized that I rather compulsively throw in emoticons because I am afraid that if I don't somebody might misunderstand me and a conflict might ensue.

 

Oy.

 

Anyway. I just discovered the AvPD a few weeks ago now, so I am pretty new to it, as well.

[Pearl27]

Welcome to the AvPD bandwagon (not that we ever, you know, ride on it together or anything). :-p We come in many flavors. I can't really get beyond the superficial level with most people, however, with other AvPD'ers or people who have many traits thereof, I actually can reach a very deep level of trust and intimacy (although you gotta be careful with that one, you can get burned as I did with my most recent ex).

 

It is fascinating, because I keep trying to find answers to the question of how to handle rejection from other AvPD'ers. So far, crickets are chirping, bees buzzing, and nobody seems to have any idea how. :-)

 

I think I just realized that I rather compulsively throw in emoticons because I am afraid that if I don't somebody might misunderstand me and a conflict might ensue.

 

Oy.

 

Anyway. I just discovered the AvPD a few weeks ago now, so I am pretty new to it, as well.

 

Thanks Anya. I'm not sure what to say about handling rejection because I numb myself a lot. I need to be more honest with myself if I want to get over my disorders and not resort to detachment in order to cope.

 

The bad news here is that I had a date today, and I was detached during most of it. I really wanted to try to be more present and stronger during this, but my fears got me first. I guess I was afraid of being too nervous during the date, so I detached myself to avoid blushing or stuttering.

 

The good news is that this evening while researching on how to trust myself more, I realized that I actually do want to have more hope and more optimism. Sometimes I get pessimistic because I feel that I should, or else I'm an idiot. So I asked myself, do I really want to be nicer to myself and not see flaws with every step I take? The answer is yes, I do. Not that this will wash away all pessimism in me, but it could be the start to healing. And maybe I'll eventually stop being so nervous around people.