starblades Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I know you guys don't know me personally so I'll try to explain the situation. We dated for 10 months, I always felt like she was the right one and we were doing great. About 8 months in, i started to have problems in my life, like being depressed, not knowing what to do as a career, getting sick of my current career path, and even to the point of not knowing if life was worth living. This devastated her obviously, more fights between us began and we hurt each other emotionally through our fights and arguments. One day she told me that she is unsure if she truly does love me or not. In our relationship, we never used the words 'I love you' very often. I was unsure what to do and just continued on. Weeks went by when we had a really bad fight. She suddenly said that she doesn't want to date anymore and she wants to take a 3 month break from our relationship. I was really shocked when I heard that. I blamed myself for not being strong in my struggles with life and not treating her right, but I also blame her for not being there for me when I was going through hard times in my life. So far 1.5 months has passed and 1.5 months of this break is left. Ive tried to not be clingy and keep talking to her so I stopped starting texts with her. I would let her start texting conversations only and I never asked her out. She would text me about once a week and ask If i want to go out for a dinner and a walk or just hangout. I met up with her about once a week. She said she is happy to be single and feels free. I asked her if she thinks we will get back together, she said no. I asked her if she wanted to. She paused for a while and said she doesn't know. She also mentioned that if we were to get back together after 3 months, she might want another year off just to see what im truly like and get to know me more. but then lets say we do take a year off and we see each other like twice a month, how much am I going to get to know her from that? afterall i've dated her for almost a year..She also told me that she sees me in the same way as her other male friends and that she has no romantic feelings for me. Yesterday we walked around a mall, she wanted to buy a few articles of clothing so we spent the day together. At night we watched a movie at my house. I moved closer to her until we were touching, i tried to hold hands with her but she said no and moved further away. later on she said she feels uncomfortable when im close like that. I didn't apologize for doing it but i just simply shrugged it off. I thought if I apologized, she would see me even more as a friend as I read in RSD. I told her I was still confident in our relationship. I told her I was ready to start dating. At first she said she didn't think i was and changed her mind. She said she still has some painful memories of us and she's not ready to date. I know she struggles with letting the past memories go. She has forgiven but not forgotten and i guess the past still hurts her. One thing she did mention was that if we started dating, how does she know I wont turn into a bad person, hot tempered, hurtful and depressed like before? I said she will just have to wait and see for herself. I do admit to being really hot tempered and really hurtful in the past. I have changed over the year of knowing her, but i cant change my personality overnight. I know im a much better, more mature person now, but I still have a ways to go into being an amazing person. As for now, I don't know what I should do. She clearly needs more space. She may or may not ask to hangout this weekend. What should I do? any advice? When she texts me, should I tell her that I think she needs space/time and to take another week off without seeing me? Should I tell her that im not interested in being her friend? or even decline to hangout this week? Should I just go out with her when she asks and not be touchy like last night? How can I get out of this friendzone? I really dont think she is the jealous type of person. I know you might think that I should go for someone else and then she will come back to me.. but i feel like if i were to do this, then she would just let me go and forget me. It's even hard for me to see other girls right now because im so set on this one girl... I feel really lost. I always wonder if she will come back or not but i feel like the chances are leaning more torward her not coming back. Any advice would be amazing, guys.
mike414 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 The best advice is to just leave it alone. You need to drop contact with her if you want to send her the message that you don't want to be friends. She knows you don't want to be friends but you are allowing it to happen. Girls don't friendzone guys, guys friendzone themselves. She told you she doesn't think you will get back together and doesn't have romantic feelings for you. Since this is what you want from her you need to realize she is no longer of any use in your life. It will be super hard but just vanish on her. Do it because you need to move on not because you think it will get her to come back. I'm certain she will wonder what happened and continue to try to contact you but you must not break. It will take months or longer but you will forget about it. Move on and find someone that wants the same thing you do, good luck.
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I'm sorry for your struggles but imo, after HS, breaks are BS. Break up or fight for the relationship. A break is merely the cowards way of easing out of a relationship. If you have any hope of getting out of the friend-zone tell her you want to get back together & you are prepared to romance the heck out of her. If she is not interested, move on now rather than waiting & hoping for another 1.5 months which puts you basically at her mercy through Chirstmas & New Years. If she isn't willing to try, at least free yourself from her BS
franksthebear Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 A similar scenario happened to me. I kept giving her power over me by trying to 'put us back together' ,giving her all the cards to choose from without any pressure. I would go NC and it will bring out how she really feels, putting her under pressure to make a decision as she is losing you as a friend and possible partner.
Author starblades Posted November 14, 2013 Author Posted November 14, 2013 what am i supposed to do though? not reply? not hang out with her? or just text her? should i even tell her to stop talking for a month or what? how should i keep in contact with her?
franksthebear Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I personally would back right off, only talk to her when she speaks to you and when she does you keep it simple, clean and short. If that makes no difference go complete NC and move on. Good luck Franks
kassy Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Tell her you want a proper relationship. If she says no then say ok you understand but that you are not willing to go on a break and you guys will have to officially break up. Then say you really like her and would love to be her friend but it will take a while to get over her and you would appreciate it if you guys just keep contact to a minimum for now. Don't message her, don't see her, just dust yourself off and move on
Pretty.in.Pink Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 ...She said she is happy to be single and feels free. I asked her if she thinks we will get back together, she said no. I asked her if she wanted to. She paused for a while and said she doesn't know. She also mentioned that if we were to get back together after 3 months, she might want another year off just to see what im truly like and get to know me more. but then lets say we do take a year off and we see each other like twice a month, how much am I going to get to know her from that? afterall i've dated her for almost a year..She also told me that she sees me in the same way as her other male friends and that she has no romantic feelings for me. ...i tried to hold hands with her but she said no and moved further away. later on she said she feels uncomfortable when im close like that. I didn't apologize for doing it but i just simply shrugged it off. I thought if I apologized, she would see me even more as a friend as I read in RSD. I told her I was still confident in our relationship. I told her I was ready to start dating. At first she said she didn't think i was and changed her mind. What is RSD? Anyway, I hate to be a Debbie Downer because you're clearly hurting and hoping things work out, but your relationship is definitively over. She broke up with you, so she's your ex, not your girlfriend. She's happily single. Let her go and stop clinging when she makes it clear that she no longer wants to date you...or even touch you. What you are doing will only push her further away. Please stop being that guy who refuses to get the message. Accept her wishes and go find someone else who actually wants to date you. She clearly doesn't so end the torture.
Guitarisgood Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 You stuffed up. Move on and learn from the experience. The biggest problem I find with your thread is you actually blame her for not being there for you. When you place your life in someone elses hand, you will always get stuffed. Start learning that in life, the only person you should rely on is YOU. What should one do when things go south? Drop them. Disappear. If they try to contact, obviously maintain friendly relations but don't make an effort. You have to realise you don't need her but want her and thats all it is. There are plenty other woman out there and you're now finally in a good frame of mind to get yourself back on track in your life. Stop being a wuss and following her like a lap dog.
Niezz Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Stop being needy. One of the reasons you might be interested in this person more than they're into you is because you are giving off signals that you really want to be in a relationship! You might be coming off as a little desperate, which is quite the attraction killer. You might be rushing things emotionally and maybe physically.You might also be placing this person on a pedestal, because you're so caught up in the idea of the relationship, that you're quick to assume this person is "perfect". Examine your own neediness. In one word, relax. There will always be many more encounters besides this one, so stop treating it like the last one you'll ever have. Also, don't force yourself to reveal your hopes for intimacy, let your actions display your confidence. Your demeanor should speak for itself. If you decide to let go of someone who doesn't return your affection, you might find that suddenly they're attracted to you. Be careful, then. This might tell you that they love the "thrill of the chase". If you find they lose interest when you become interested again, you've got a cat-and-mouse game on your hands--not the recipe for a healthy relationship.
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