Validation: Are you desperate for it?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

For some disorders, including my own personality disorders, anxiety and low self-esteem are huge factors. For some, being validated for something can mean feeling validation as a person. Without it, they feel distress.

 

I started thinking about this when I caught myself looking for "like" notifications before I look at anything else. For me, they not only validate my posts, but it relieves anxiety because I feel validated as a person.

 

Some things that I seek validation for:

 

• Forum posts - want to feel accepted
  
• Views - want people to think I'm smart and right
  
• Sense of humor - please laugh when I'm funny
  
• Beliefs - too weak to stand alone for an unpopular cause
  
• Sex - want to be thought of as a great lover
  

 

What do you think about validation?

 

Did you overcome this need?

 

If you aren't validated, do you feel distress?

[AnyaNova]

For some disorders, including my own personality disorders, anxiety and low self-esteem are huge factors. For some, being validated for something can mean feeling validation as a person. Without it, they feel distress.

 

I started thinking about this when I caught myself looking for "like" notifications before I look at anything else. For me, they not only validate my posts, but it relieves anxiety because I feel validated as a person.

 

Some things that I seek validation for:

 

• Forum posts - want to feel accepted
  
• Views - want people to think I'm smart and right
  
• Sense of humor - please laugh when I'm funny
  
• Beliefs - too weak to stand alone for an unpopular cause
  
• Sex - want to be thought of as a great lover
  

 

What do you think about validation?

 

Did you overcome this need?

 

If you aren't validated, do you feel distress?

 

How are you camped out in my head? I do that. I think that! And I feel anxious until I've read every response and made sure that they aren't attacking.

 

Dot gem get me started on how nervous I was to ask where to find the shower towels at the gym today. :-p

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

How are you camped out in my head? I do that. I think that! And I feel anxious until I've read every response and made sure that they aren't attacking.

 

Dot gem get me started on how nervous I was to ask where to find the shower towels at the gym today. :-p

 

I am in your head!

 

You are the only other person I know, besides my daughter and myself, with a combination of ADD + AvPD.

 

Do you have the hyper ADHD, inattentive (lazy) kind, or the combo of both?

 

Mine is inattentive.

[Lokie]

Shogun, I love this topic! It shows great self awareness to even broach this subject. (There, you got some thread love and validation! ;-)

 

I still struggle with my desire to be liked, the best, etc. I try to check my motives in my actions, but I still generally want to "look good" to others. The problem is that unless I am satisfied with who I am and not only accepting, but downright grateful for my life, I am in an endless loop of comparisons and I generally get no relief or serenity. I want serenity and peace of mind in my life more than I want validation today.

 

What if you knew intrinsically that you were indeed liked, smart, funny and a great lay - but you could also stay open to feedback from people in order to become even more liked, smarter, funnier and better in bed? That's what I strive for because sometimes there is no validation to be had except my own.

[Grumpybutfun]

Shogun:

Wow, kudos to you for the amazing insight displayed here. It sounds like you have a good handle on your anxiety. Do you feel stress IRL also?

 

I think everyone needs validation to a certain extent. We all want to feel accepted, valued and needed. I know I miss the military where I was a leader because I had a lot of people to depend on me. It was a way of life for over 20 years. I think being needed validated me in some way.

 

I am pretty sure that isn't what you mean, but just wanted to tell you that I hear you. You opened my eyes to something I never really thought about before.

 

Best,

Grumps

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Shogun:

Wow, kudos to you for the amazing insight displayed here. It sounds like you have a good handle on your anxiety. Do you feel stress IRL also?

 

I think everyone needs validation to a certain extent. We all want to feel accepted, valued and needed. I know I miss the military where I was a leader because I had a lot of people to depend on me. It was a way of life for over 20 years. I think being needed validated me in some way.

 

I am pretty sure that isn't what you mean, but just wanted to tell you that I hear you. You opened my eyes to something I never really thought about before.

 

Best,

Grumps

Thanks.

Feel stress? Do I ever. I think it will be the death of me some day.

[AnyaNova]

I am in your head!

 

You are the only other person I know, besides my daughter and myself, with a combination of ADD + AvPD.

 

Do you have the hyper ADHD, inattentive (lazy) kind, or the combo of both?

 

Mine is inattentive.

 

Innattentive here too! I suppose then I don't need to explain the self kicking I am doing for the phone autocorrect errors that I don't see until it is too late to edit...

 

So how do we learn to validate ourselves so that we don't depend on a ton of others, even strangers, four our validation?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

The comments about awareness and insight...

 

Thanks. I started developing this skill about 10 years ago. Until that point I could only look at myself through the distortion in my thinking caused by PDs.

 

I was introduced to something that drastically changed my life. With that change, and my ability to break things down to the simplest level I can, light bulbs turned on and things started making sense. Being an extremely critical person also came in handy for once. Now I see things more objectively even when it comes to myself.

 

My BPD symptoms were reduced to where people started enjoying my company and I theirs.

 

Now I still struggle mostly with my AvPD symptoms. The anxiety and such.

[AnyaNova]

When you know you need to go to bed, but are afraid that if you leave in the middle of a good message "conversation" people will think you're rude! :-p.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Innattentive here too! I suppose then I don't need to explain the self kicking I am doing for the phone autocorrect errors that I don't see until it is too late to edit...

 

Well, not to me anyway

 

So how do we learn to validate ourselves so that we don't depend on a ton of others, even strangers, four our validation?

 

That's what I'm hoping to achieve with this thread. I'm hoping somebody can share with us a success story or two.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I don't know that I'm 'desperate' for it but validation is important to me.

 

As children, we are raised with praise and rewards when we do something right (well I was) so I think I've grown up expecting that I will always be rewarded externally when I do something correctly or well.

 

Unfortunately, once you're an adult, that rarely happens. I think it's a big way in which adults f- up relations. I do like validation a lot and am working on giving it to myself because I find you can't depend on many others for it. My family yes, and boyfriends in the past to an extent, but otherwise I don't find we get validation from many once we are adults.

[Heatemyheart89]

I want validation. I rarely get it. I think it makes me compliment people more and try and make them feel good because that is what I really want for myself.

[SerCay]

I have ADD, inferiority complex, avoidance issues, these resulting in co-dependency. I feel attacked super easily.

 

As you can imagine I can't survive without constant validation. FOR EVERYTHING.

 

I recently started working on my self esteem though...it helps honestly, it's relieving not to have to be wondering what otehrs think about you or WHY they do something ''to'' you.

 

(I put ''to'' in quotation marks because most of the time a person doesnt intent something specifically for me, but thats just the perception of someone with low self esteem and the described things above)

[Pearl27]

I'm always looking for validation, and I'm always explaining myself. It is so ridiculous and I look childish doing it. Its because I constantly feel like I'm a horrible person who never does anything right, and I need to defend myself to the world. How silly and I only make things worse doing so. I need to develop a mantra where I convince myself that I am OK and not a bad person.

[TintedChrome]

My low self esteem is a blessing and a curse, but mostly a curse. It sometimes motivates me to attempt various feats and sometimes excel at them, but mostly it makes me seek the approval of others and I feel horrible when I don't get it. It's a dysfunction that can badly mess up social skills and relationships.

[jphcbpa]

Great topic!

 

It ebbs and flows, but often I feel the urge to be validated by women via intrigue flirting.

 

I think that need is a longing for something.

 

Frankly nothing on this planet will fill that hole very long. For me it is a constant battle to look within (self love) and connect with my higher power. In the end, this is all we have and the only way to be filled.

[Grumpybutfun]

Great topic!

 

It ebbs and flows, but often I feel the urge to be validated by women via intrigue flirting.

 

I think that need is a longing for something.

 

Frankly nothing on this planet will fill that hole very long. For me it is a constant battle to look within (self love) and connect with my higher power. In the end, this is all we have and the only way to be filled.

 

I am not religious, but spirituality does help me to not depend on the external so much for validation. When you think of how we are all interconnected, and our purpose in life is to live with purpose, with joy, it lessens the importance of other's opinions. I don't really care what others think of me (except my wife,) but I do like to feel needed/useful. I see that is certain form of validation.

Good chat,

Grumps

[regine_phalange]

Yes! I do. I have a cuddly ego.

[jphcbpa]

I don't really care what others think of me (except my wife,) but I do like to feel needed/useful. I see that is certain form of validation.

Good chat,

Grumps

 

Yes G a very healthy form.

[daughter_judy]

I used to look to others for validation more than I would like to admit - fishing for compliments, bragging, etc. It turned out my negative self perception was the problem. After I started seeing a new therapist, a lot of things changed for me, I realized my perceived reality isn't my actual reality (makes me sound really crazy, I know). Once this happened though, it made me more perceptive so when I'm seeking that external approval from others I can see it clearer and figure out what's wrong that I'm feeling this way.

 

I don't look for validation on here mostly because I'm new but I think the anonymity helps as well. But as far as daily life, it's still a problem sometimes. We all want to feel accepted and appreciated and most of us crave the feeling that comes with others thinking we're unique. I think it's just more intense for some.

[Shepp]

I was about to write no, to say i'm pretty headstrong, I think im quite confident in myself, in my ideas & abilities and I don't really care what anyone thinks.

And that I think most of all I care about proving myself to myself, I like to set the bar quite high but that's not really cause Im seeking praise. From the second someone told me I was on the smaller side to play the football position I wanted to then I didn't want to play anywhere else, cause I knew he was wrong.

 

But...

Then I read this:

Sense of humor - please laugh when I'm funny

 

and maybe that is where I seek validation - I like to make people laugh, for as long as I can remember I've always gone out of my way to make people laugh.

So I dunno, evolutionarily speaking what is the purpose of being funny if not to make people like you, interesting one!

 

 

And it would totally break my heart if my family didn't see me as someone loyal & trustworthy & determined.

 

 

And I guess even being very competitive, and wanting to win, I guess you could argue that that's wanting validation....of your strength or physical ability or whatever.

 

 

Thought-provoking thread!

[rana-rana]

For some disorders, including my own personality disorders, anxiety and low self-esteem are huge factors. For some, being validated for something can mean feeling validation as a person. Without it, they feel distress.

 

I started thinking about this when I caught myself looking for "like" notifications before I look at anything else. For me, they not only validate my posts, but it relieves anxiety because I feel validated as a person.

 

Some things that I seek validation for:

 

• Forum posts - want to feel accepted
  
• Views - want people to think I'm smart and right
  
• Sense of humor - please laugh when I'm funny
  
• Beliefs - too weak to stand alone for an unpopular cause
  
• Sex - want to be thought of as a great lover
  

What do you think about validation?

 

Did you overcome this need?

 

If you aren't validated, do you feel distress?

 

speaking from a girl's pov its natural for us to want to be validated so we put on makeup & all that good **** every time we go out.

[Grumpybutfun]

So I dunno, evolutionarily speaking what is the purpose of being funny if not to make people like you, interesting one!

Thought-provoking thread!

 

Alfie:

Then, I think you succeed because your posts always make me smile and almost always make me chuckle.

Grumps

 

Shogun:

I also think it is interesting to note at what ages people stop worrying about external validation and concentrate on internal validation from themselves. My biggest critic, and my biggest cheerleader is myself and most of that comes from wanting to be a good person, a noble, happy person and that comes from within. However, when I was a younger man I was worried more about external success, climbing the ranks, being competitive in sports more, being financially successful, etc. Now those things are not as validating to me as emotional happiness, my strong marriage, and spiritual peace.

Best,

Grumps

[Lokie]

I gotta agree with Grumps (I like calling you "G" though, like Gangsta Grumps :-).

 

I think aging gets such a bad rap! We are so focused on the physical changes that we overlook the greatest benefit of all: wisdom! And that's where I think these shifts in perception take place.

 

I, too, was needy for attention when I was younger, but I also was codependent, naive, and an active alcoholic! Do you think it's possible to instill this in young people through amazing parenting or is it something that only comes from the experience of aging?

 

If I knew then what I know now...

[man_in_the_box]

I just enjoy getting in arguments with random strangers on the internet.