Cis Posted December 22, 2004 Share Posted December 22, 2004 Hey all - this is really an awful question/admission - but I don't think I've ever seen this one on LS... OK - so I ended my (very short) affair long ago (haven't seen him since May) and have had absolutely NC for over 6 weeks. I'm pretty sure the whole sordid, sick event is over. Sadly, I have some fond memories of us together (sexually) and I fantasize about him and relive those moments when I'm having sex with my husband! Of course I feel very guilty. But my husband is very sexual - really and truly wants sex twice a day (and he's 60!) - and it's always been a struggle for me to keep him happy. But when I replay in my head some of the moments I had with my exlover - I feel very sensual/sexual and always have orgasms which makes my husband very very happy. My affair has sent me into an emotional tailspin that has effected my marriage profoundly. I'm wanting and trying to re-attach and recommitt to my marriage - but will having these memories/fantasies of my ex while I'm being intimate with my husband prohibit me from truly reconnecting? If so - how do you stop? Thanks for your thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted December 22, 2004 Share Posted December 22, 2004 It makes him happy and you are satisfied in bed, but it intesifies your guilt and/or makes you feel more than you already felt. You want to know how to make the guilt go away and how to control your thoughts and memories. Not sure how anyone can really give you those answers. I've only been able to make my guilt about things go away by forgiving myself. But that takes some serious objective self-study, and you may never be able to connect with any ideas that make what happened seem forgivable. Thought/memory control is a different story. That may or may not be achievable. Over time the thoughts and memories should fade away as long as you don't obsess. And they will only have an affect on your marriage if you can't keep them to yourself. This is an example of the unforeseen consequences of our actions, that I hope I'll have in mind if and when I'm tempted. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted December 22, 2004 Share Posted December 22, 2004 I think your first step is to acknolwedge that you only "think" it is over (is anyone else in control of what you are up to?) and that you are worried that your actions may prevent you from "reconnecting" (Are those actions physical things that someone else made you do? Do they have any physical reality?). I think that you are baiscally not sorry that it happened (you may not think it was worth it, but it seems you need some extra stimulation in your life) and really do not regret it yet. Does your husband know about the affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cis Posted December 22, 2004 Author Share Posted December 22, 2004 Thanks Johan and Cecelius for responding.... I accept that I have some moral character flaws. I regret that I am lacking in character....but here I am and I'm confused (still) and hoping to put my best effort in my marriage. No, my husband doesn't know about my affair and I'm aware that the majority of the posters here think that it is crucial I confess. But what's more important - confess the affair (that's over and was inappropriate on so many levels - which may encourage my husband to "act out") - or get to the heart of the matter - and that is: we're missing an emotional and spiritual connection, and I'm bored, and if we don't do something about it - our marriage will not survive. We've both come clean on that point - and we are being honest with each other. Johan- what do you mean by this: And they will only have an affect on your marriage if you can't keep them to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
only1life Posted December 22, 2004 Share Posted December 22, 2004 OK, I don't get it - you say: "and we are being honest with each other" but yet you are hiding this "very short" affair? How's that work? We all have some flaws....don't sweat it - just do your best at things, and treat others like you would like to be treated. So, how would you feel if your husband was dreaming about some other chick that is better in bed than you while making love to you? Keeping things to yourself is already having an effect on your marriage....but for many, spilling the truth is the best, although difficult, way to get back on track. And be prepared for some intensities that you might have never seen from your H before. You guys need to talk. If you're bored, and missing an emotional and spiritual connection, you better let him know how you feel. Cause things will not get better, unless both of you are aware of each others feelings, and both of you work to make it better. and you'll find it is hard to talk about things, if you have to watch what you say. Oh yeah, by the way, "very short" by no means equals less impact! Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cis Posted December 22, 2004 Author Share Posted December 22, 2004 thanks only... Like I said, my husband and I ARE talking about what each of us is missing in the other. It's hard and painful but we ARE doing it. And no, I wouldn't like to KNOW that my husband is dreaming of another "chick" - but I'd bet the farm he sometimes thinks of others - don't most people? Anyway - I guess what I was asking is: should I work really really hard at not thinking about my ex-friend when my husband and I make love - or can I let my fond memories fade, and if I must fantasize I should try to think about a more neutral situation like a sexy passage I've read in a book. And yes, the "very short" amount of time I was involved with my affair did not in anyway lessen the regret, heartache, turmoil and damage I've inflicted upon myself and others. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 22, 2004 Share Posted December 22, 2004 Hello, I am just curious but if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want and expect your husband to be honest to you that he had an affair and possibly put your health at risk? Wouldn't it show respect at least that he was willing to be honest and upfront with you. I think you are still disrespecting your husband by keeping this vital information from him. The truth is that you don't wish to suffer the consequences of your actions due to your betrayal. It seems ludicrous to say you are trying to be open and honest with your husband while you keep the fact that you cheated on him. This is like cancer in a marriage that will destroy it in the long run. Either you have honesty in your marriage or you do not. Again if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to be honest with you about his affair? Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted December 22, 2004 Share Posted December 22, 2004 Since it sounds like you want to have a good marriage with your H, this advice should resonate with you. There's a very good reason why he needs to know about the affair. You said: my husband and I ARE talking about what each of us is missing in the other. It's hard and painful but we ARE doing it. The problem is, he has no idea how precarious the situation is. He doesn't know that you have already hit such a low in the marriage that you have already cheated. You can tell him over and over that you're unhappy, get him to open up, open up yourself, and so on, but however bad he believes the problems to be in the marriage, they're a lot worse than he thinks. Also, I echo what only1life said: honesty and continuing to hide the affair are mutually exclusive. As long you still haven't told him, you're still deceiving him. You're still hurting him. And besides, if you're putting so much work into your marriage now, imagine how shi!tty it will be if you guys make a bunch of progress over the next few months and then he suddenly finds out about your affair due to forces beyond your control. All the work you've done together will be totally destroyed, mark my words. You'll be back to square one. You may believe that nobody will ever know about the affair. But your OM knows, and who's to say that he'll keep quiet? What if he gets drunk one night and blabs to somebody? Bad news, as they say, has legs. People love gossip. Just ask my TBX wife. You might want to read what Sweetz has been posting over the last couple of months. Some excellent advice was given there and it's equally applicable to your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by Cis - or can I let my fond memories fade, and if I must fantasize I should try to think about a more neutral situation like a sexy passage I've read in a book. I should think that would be a better option. Otherwise you are keeping feelings alive which need to be let go, and you will only end up feeling more guilt as a result. It's obvious you really want to improve your marriage. Personally, I could not keep an affair secret. I believe in honesty. I am not sure if telling is always the best policy, but it would be my policy, if I had done something morally wrong. Good luck. The others here have also given wise advice. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by Cis Johan- what do you mean by this: And they will only have an affect on your marriage if you can't keep them to yourself. Nothing special. I meant that if you either tell about them or reveal them through your behavior, then they will affect your marriage. Otherwise they won't. Notice that they ARE having an effect currently, because they are emerging and are changing your sex life. They could have other effects as well, depending how you handle them. Stating the obvious. To be honest, if I was your 60 year old husband and the affair was inconsequential, I'm not sure I'd want to have my world rocked that way. That's assuming that the affair was short and inconsequential, you can successfully remain faithful, and you can re-dedicate yourself to your vows. Then it's between you and your God. If I was 30, it would probably be different. People react very strongly to infidelity, especially when it has happened to them. It has happened to me. I'm in a forgiving mood right now. Maybe because you sound mature and realistic about it. You seem to be working so hard and you reject your failure so strongly. I get the impression you really want to fix things. I'm not sure telling would fix things, and it could leave him ruined with not a lot of time to turn things back around. It's just not possible to go through life without screwing something up. People think you should get everything right on the first try. But if you're ever tempted again, I hope you leave your husband. Leave him everything including the truth, and don't look back. I can't tell you anything you don't already know. I wish you and your husband the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by johan It's just not possible to go through life without screwing something up. People think you should get everything right on the first try. That is true, and it remembering that may also help you forgive yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Cis.. You can't expect your marriage to move forward when you are still living in the past and hiding things from your husband. An affair will NOT be over until the other spouse knows about it. Right now you are thinking about your 'ex-lover', even to the point when having sex with your husband. Emotionally, that is cheating. It will only be a matter of time before your 'thinking' will turn into wanting to see him again. This will continue as a vicious circle, until your marriage is totally destroyed. The only way to circumvent this from happening is to tell your husband everything. He has every right to make his own decisions about this marriage and the future of his life. By denying him this information you are denying him, his freedom of choice (to either work on this marriage or divorce you). You are also exposing him to health issues, since this guy you banged probably has not been truthful to you regarding any STDs, etc.. Quit being selfish. Quit acting so immature. If you really want this marriage to work, then seek a licensed marriage counselor. Otherwise you are just fooling yourself and your husband into believing things will 'just work out'. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 Cis, How do you know that in the future you won't reignite your affair with your ex-lover or have another affair with a different man? You see, by keeping your affair a secret from your H, you are actually keeping those options opened to you and in a moment of weakness and opportunity the chances are great that you will be unfaithful once more. Is that what you want? TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cis Posted December 28, 2004 Author Share Posted December 28, 2004 Thanks to all who have taken the time to respond. My husband and I had a very nice holiday surrounded by family. It was a wonderful opportunity to revisit and count my many blessings. I was also very happy that my husband has agreed to take a PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills) workshop with me. In addition he has begun individual therapy (I've been in therapy for some time now). Our 12th anniversary was Sunday and at dinner we talked about how we are both committed to each other's happiness - that we want to do everything we can to reconnect and reach a greater level of intimacy. However, if we are unable to achieve that - we want each other to have the opportunity to find it with another person. It was a very supportive and loving conversation. Tonight I am feeling very hopeful. I struggle daily with the should I or shouldn't I tell him dilemma - but right now I feel like we are on such a positive path - I don't want to derail it... A special thanks to those of you were especially gentle and kind to me in light of my failings. Cis Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 CIS- Just a thought (no pun intended!)... When you and your husband are intimate, and your thoughts start to wander...change what you're doing, and start concentrating on your husband. Either taking care of him, or having him do the same for you. Concentrate on your LOVE for your husband if nothing else during that time. Don't really know any magic tricks to help...but its a suggestion nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Originally posted by Cis Our 12th anniversary was Sunday and at dinner we talked about how we are both committed to each other's happiness - that we want to do everything we can to reconnect and reach a greater level of intimacy. However, if we are unable to achieve that - we want each other to have the opportunity to find it with another person. It was a very supportive and loving conversation. Cis, It's your call whether or not you tell your H the truth about your affair, but if you decide not to tell him then you will NEVER achieve true intimacy, NEVER. True intimacy is the sharing of ALL your deepests thoughts, experiences and feelings and it is based on TRUST. Not telling your H the truth about your affair shows that you DO NOT trust him. You may as well let him go so that he can 'have the opportunity to find it with another person'. I'm sorry if my words sound harsh but if real intimacy is truly your goal, then you needed to hear them. TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
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