Unravelling as Wife is set to end

[beach]

So my wife is very remorseful and has agreed to cut all contact with OM. I hope she can do that. I don't know if it changes much in our path. I still want to stay married and she still wants to drive the divorce process forward. I've consistently responded that I will cooperate but that I am married to her until a judge tells me otherwise and I am not done with our marriage.

 

One of the tough next steps is to tell kids d12/s5. I feel as if I need to maintain honesty with my kids and that they should know that this was not my choice or wish. She doesn't want to own the decision in front of our kids and thinks I'm some kind of monster. What's right. Protect your kids at the cost of telling a lifelong lie?

 

I have agreed that we will keep the EA away from the kids. She has claimed that she was done with our marriage long before the EA in the past 2.5 months. I believe the EA gave her the courage to stand up and tell me she wanted out because she could see a place to go and at the same time denies me the opportunity to get her to participate in counseling.

 

The conversations around the EA have gone from good to bad to worse to good. She has been very honest (it helps that I have the email trail). I've generally left the anger out as it has been my hope that with the EA exposed we may have some tiny window to salvage. But the anger did come out last night and it certainly damaged whatever progress we had made.

 

RightThere

 

I know your advice on talking to the kids is correct. And I do have to accept that she is my STBXW.

 

I don't see benefit in exposing her further. Her family knows and I believe in someways accept it as they have a good relationship with OM. Its just f'n done as she is dead on her path. Even telling me last night that she has wanted to divorce me for two years.

 

I'm confused now.

 

Is it done? Or are you telling yourself there is something to salvage?

[RightThere]

I don't see benefit in exposing her further. Her family knows and I believe in someways accept it as they have a good relationship with OM. Its just f'n done as she is dead on her path. Even telling me last night that she has wanted to divorce me for two years.

 

They will always tell you that they've wanted to do this for a long time. But guess what.

 

They didn't do jack s&^T. So now you need to continue to be the adult and actually do what's best for everyone. File for divorce, look after you kids, and let her run her own life and leave you out of it.

 

It's a tough pill to swallow while you're reconciling the woman you thought she was and the woman she actually is. Your eyes will become more and more open to the fact that she is selfish, cares little about any other than herself, and is self destructing and you must set her free to do so.

 

Good luck my friend.

[socaljk57]

"It's a tough pill to swallow while you're reconciling the woman you thought she was and the woman she actually is. Your eyes will become more and more open to the fact that she is selfish, cares little about any other than herself, and is self destructing and you must set her free to do so."

 

Yep, it definitely is a tough pill to swallow. To truely realize the woman you trusted with your life has betrayed you. In my opinion, many women are heartless. I am the 4th guy on my street who's wife in their 40s has gone off the deep end.

[Mr. Lucky]

Even telling me last night that she has wanted to divorce me for two years.

Get used to revisionist history. When someone is unsure, exaggeration and falsehoods help prop up their position.

 

Agree 100% with leaving the kids out of any discussion regarding the reasons behind your divorce. Not their battle to fight and they'll soon have plenty on their plate anyway. Take the high road (as hard as that is), you have decades of co-parenting still ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RunOverDad]

I'm confused now.

 

Is it done? Or are you telling yourself there is something to salvage?

 

Beach - I wish there was the option to salvage something. I think she has told the OM that they can't communicate until the D is final. Since exposing her she has been very sorry, claims to have cut contact, but is still adamant that she wants a divorce. I'm convinced that I'm here until its done but what can I do if she simply wants the divorce and will not compromise. I assume I simply protect myself, we have generally agreed to the parenting plan and the financial side, and let the rest happen.

 

I wish there was another option. At least she has promised not to continue the EA/PA until we are done. Hope she can keep that promise.

[RunOverDad]

"It's a tough pill to swallow while you're reconciling the woman you thought she was and the woman she actually is. Your eyes will become more and more open to the fact that she is selfish, cares little about any other than herself, and is self destructing and you must set her free to do so."

 

Yep, it definitely is a tough pill to swallow. To truely realize the woman you trusted with your life has betrayed you. In my opinion, many women are heartless. I am the 4th guy on my street who's wife in their 40s has gone off the deep end.

 

It is a trend here as well. Almost like right on schedule. I never thought D was an option in our marriage. Feel like a dips***.

 

Right There - I appreciate your advice. You are quite rational about the situation. I don't remember your thread directly but do you have kids? What did you tell your kids about your D? I find it hard to accept that I will have to grin an bear it for my kids that wife steps out but yet we are divorcing for the best of everyone. I really want to be able to say that I didn't want this outcome, but had no choice.

[aliveagain]

This might be an exit affair. You can't make someone love you, it's there or it's not besides even if she stayed for the kids, you'd be stuck in a loveless marriage. What are you really holding on to? There are a lot of things worse than divorce, sharing your wife with O/M is one of them.

[RunOverDad]

So as a bit of an update. We have now had two mediation sessions and are making good progress toward finalizing a 50/50 parenting plan and I think one that will provide me the protections I need as it relates to my kids future and decisions around them. I feels so surreal. Been talking to realtors to prepare to sell the house and finalizing the other parts of the financial plan. I guess I"m fortunate that at the end of the day I'll emerge debt free with a little cash. Sad that we are losing the house that our children love love love. Sad that after owning my own home for 17 years I am now to be a renter. But we have agreed to stay close in the same community so that the kids can retain their schools, friends and location.

 

I am struggling to accept that this is my future but beginning to plan for how to be a coparent and I at least have faith to know that at some point I will emerge from this dark cloud of sadness, find happiness and hopefully a loving partner.

 

But it is amazing trying to reconcile the women I've been with for 25 years with this selfish woman walking around my house who cheated on me.

 

I visit here often and enjoy the words of support this forum provides all involved. Its very nice that people care for each other's pain.

 

Best....RoD

[RunOverDad]

So it looks like we will be telling the kids this weekend. Hired a realtor, beginning to get the house ready for the market so can't hide much longer.

 

I have a d/12 and a s/5. I know everyone says take the high road but I can't trap myself into a lie that says I wanted the divorce. My stbxw got very angry at me last night when I said that I don't want to simply say Mom and Dad aren't getting along so we need to end our marriage. That may work today but a week, a month, a year, I know my daughter will ask questions and I don't want to tell her that I agreed that this was our best path. I want to be able to say that 'your mother was very unhappy and thought it was best for her to divorce". I'm fine not telling the kids about the EA.

 

Set me straight or help me with a narrative I can live with please.

[thedude1974]

I can feel your pain, I'm living a a similar situation, my STBXW also left in the middle of an exit affair, I'm signing divorce papers on Friday, and have 2 boys, 8 and 10.

 

I never told them I blamed their mother for this situation, or badmouthed her in front of them, they are already going through enough.

 

Believe me, kids pick up much more than they let know.

 

You will have to coparent, always being civil and respectful, there is no need to add any more negative feelings at this point, by placing the blame on her, IMO.

 

I know it's tough, but better days are ahead, we just have to seize them.

[RightThere]

So it looks like we will be telling the kids this weekend. Hired a realtor, beginning to get the house ready for the market so can't hide much longer.

 

I have a d/12 and a s/5. I know everyone says take the high road but I can't trap myself into a lie that says I wanted the divorce. My stbxw got very angry at me last night when I said that I don't want to simply say Mom and Dad aren't getting along so we need to end our marriage. That may work today but a week, a month, a year, I know my daughter will ask questions and I don't want to tell her that I agreed that this was our best path. I want to be able to say that 'your mother was very unhappy and thought it was best for her to divorce". I'm fine not telling the kids about the EA.

 

Set me straight or help me with a narrative I can live with please.

 

As hard as it is, you need to suck it up and put up a united from with your STBXW about the divorce.

 

With a 12 year old daughter, that is too young to deal with not only the emotional side of her parents divorcing, but she's won't be able to properly understand you painting your STBXW with the "it's her fault" brush.

 

Let your daughter deal with the divorce first. You being "right" about the reasons serves no purpose other than to make you feel better. Only problem is that it is at the expense of your daughter. Give it some time and I'm sure your daughter is pretty smart. Let her come to her own conclusions later on. I'm guessing a couple years down the road, she'll be mature enough to get the real story from you.

 

But for now, you need to put the best interests of your kids first. It's obvious your STBXW did not. You tell your kids that none of it is their fault, mom and dad fight too much and can't live together anymore, and that you love them both very much.

 

Beyond that you just be understanding. Tell them you know that it's really hard to understand and accept. Because it is. You can tell them you wish things worked out different, but do not pin it on your STBXW. Remember that she is still their mother, and they think she can do no wrong.

 

Hope that helps.

[beach]

Tell the kids Mom didn't keep the marital vows/promise.

[bubbaganoosh]

Why should you be the one to tell the kids? If it was me, I would tell the wife, "you started this mess by lying, cheating being deceitful so you explain to the kids that were getting divorced."

 

Why is it that the cheater has no problem running the kids over with their affair and the betrayed has to clean up their mess.

 

Stop playing nice guy with her because it's a game that you can't win. She will not play by the same rules and she's proven that to you already.

 

If she has her way, she'll run you over and she already has her foot on the gas pedal and the brake is off. If she wants this then she has to be the one to run through the mine field to get to her destination, not you.

 

Remember that your kids know that you love them and you'll be there for them so you not going to lose your kids over this. If anyone is running the risk of being the eye sore to the kids it will be her and she'll have no one to blame but herself.

[RunOverDad]

This is what I needed to hear. Thanks RightThere. My kids will one day know for themselves and I will do all I can to take away or minimize their pain. We plan to tell them on Friday night and then no get a ski day with my daughter which I hope will be good for her to have fun and talk on the chairlift.

 

Who are these people we married.

[Scott Thomas]

Any updates?

If the OM is married/has a girlfriend then tell his spouse/girlfriend.

You've mentioned that two other couples have divorced because of infidelity. Did this have an effect on your wife (no wonder she asked you to have an affair during counselling).

Hire a good lawyer and proceed with the divorce.

Start working out, get a hobby and start seeing someone a few months after the divorce-your wife will run back once things with the OM don't work out. Too bad it might be a tad late.

[beach]

This is what I needed to hear. Thanks RightThere. My kids will one day know for themselves and I will do all I can to take away or minimize their pain. We plan to tell them on Friday night and then no get a ski day with my daughter which I hope will be good for her to have fun and talk on the chairlift.

 

Who are these people we married.

 

I wouldn't recommend lying to cover up your wife's bad behavior. Don't minimize it either.

 

Simply state the obvious in simple terms "Mom doesn't prefer to stay married".

 

She wants the divorce = it's best to state that clearly.

 

With kids - they need to hear that they didn't do anything to CAUSE the split. They also need to hear that you both love them and will be with them. Mom may not keep up with her half so it's your duty to be sure they feel safe and protected and loved.

 

Don't protect them from the truth/ what is real.

[RunOverDad]

By way of update. Telling the kids wasn't as traumatic as I had feared. D12 had heard enough from the past two months to know it was coming. S5 was more worried about losing the house and thought that also meant all of his stuff. He was much happier when he realized that he got to keep his toys and that he will have two houses. Wife already rented a new house, hasn't set a move date but kept telling the kids that the new house had a trampoline. I took the high road. Daughter knows that this is all STBXWs idea.

 

I don't know how our friends have influenced my STBXW's decision. I think she simply would have loved an easy way out if I were to have been the one to have cheated.

 

A month has passed since discovering the EA with the OM. Immediately after she was very remorseful and said it was over but I suspect that she has now resumed her secret chats as she seems to have both her parents and her counselors blessing. I just notice that she seems secretive about her devices and goes to bed early to "read". I've decided it just doesn't matter. We are done. I at least feel like I'm moving through the stages of grief. I'm no longer sad for what I've lost. The woman I loved is gone. Supplanted by an unemotional stranger. We are prepping our house for sale, should hit the market 2/25. Hopefully the market will cooperate and we can get out in a timely fashion.

 

On the stages, as I've said, I no longer feel sad. This person dishonered me, lied to me and cheated. I would love to spare my kids from the future of divorce but I am feeling less and less for STBXW and beginning to imagine how someone else may fill the void. I'm sure I'll cycle through sadness again but now I'm just focused on how once our house sells I can set up my new family with my daughter and son. I think we will be good together. I'm sure there will be difficult times and that loneliness will be a problem I am just looking forward to not coming home to a sour room mate.

 

All the advice here has been very helpful. I've also found some great support from friends and family. I've still limited the people who know about the EA as I find its not so important as whatever we had is already gone. It certainly ends our relationship on a sour note and if this is the person she moves forward with I know it will remain a difficult issue. But I have to remember that its done, I can't changer her, but I can build a great new life with my kids and hopefully someone else will provide me a second chance at a great loving relationship.

 

I do feel like I have tourettes. Seems like every time I'm in private I am swearing at her. But it does seem to help. The anger must be right on schedule. What emotion is next?

[RunOverDad]

Forgot to add, we made a joint filing for dissolution yesterday. 90 day clock starts. Our D will be final one day after the 25th anniversary of our first date.

 

So far we have behaved well through mediation. Have a good parenting plan with 50/50 custody and the financial side is pretty much all dependent upon the house sale.

 

Seems so fast, but the 3 1/2 months from D day have been difficult to say the least.

[RunOverDad]

A bit of an update. Clock is ticking. House hits the market tomorrow.

 

I am feeling surprisingly positive. I've spent three months grieving, trying to save the unsaveable, two months angry and now I'm actually just looking forward to the end. STBXW has not moved out yet although she has rented a house and I am actually wanting her to leave now. I want my new life to start. I'm looking forward to building a new home with my kids with our own style and habits.

 

Is this at all normal or just some calm before the next stage of emotions sets in on me? Either way I'll take this feeling way over the other two. Feels as if I've gotten a bit of my soul back.

[aliveagain]

A bit of an update. Clock is ticking. House hits the market tomorrow.

 

I am feeling surprisingly positive. I've spent three months grieving, trying to save the unsaveable, two months angry and now I'm actually just looking forward to the end. STBXW has not moved out yet although she has rented a house and I am actually wanting her to leave now. I want my new life to start. I'm looking forward to building a new home with my kids with our own style and habits.

 

Is this at all normal or just some calm before the next stage of emotions sets in on me? Either way I'll take this feeling way over the other two. Feels as if I've gotten a bit of my soul back.

 

ROD it's called acceptance, your still on the roller coaster, one of my worst days was moving day. It helps to involve your children in the process, picking out bedding, furniture, wall colours for their new rooms, make it a positive experience. Your on a new adventure, you've been given a second chance to achieve what you couldn't achieve with her anchor around your neck. It won't be long before your STBXW discovers the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's only greener where you water it.

[RunOverDad]

Thanks aliveagain. Doing just those things. Took my daughter to look at a new house. Its actually exciting to think about getting away from the negative energy.