Unravelling as Wife is set to end

[Floridapad2]

MC doesn't work. Go to a weekend retreat where there are no distractions and only the two of you. Tell her if she wants to do MC the You are game but you want real mc. Not the one hour a week crap. I'm convinced MC doesn't work unless it's emergence mc. She will see that you mean business when you go away for a three day weekend with a marriage rebuilding group.

[ShannonBanana]

I see she is done.

 

Place some boundaries NOW that help YOU!

 

Separate bedrooms is a good move!

 

Put the house up for sale.

 

Put your foot down - no way her family visits! No way!

 

There are consequences for HER choices to end the marriage - and these changes will show her what she has chosen!

 

 

File the d papers! Make it real NOW - not next month!

 

It may force her to think long and hard about what she's done - what she's chosen. Tell everyone this is what your W wants, not your choice!

 

Put this decision ALL on HER! She should be willing to own it - and start acting like it - after all, any pretending is just living a lie.

 

 

I'd be checking to see if she's communicating with someone else. I'd bet money she's interested in someone else!

 

I agree with Beach! She is being pretty unreasonable and asking that you basically act like some kind of robot to go along with everything she wants. Meanwhile, your heart is breaking, you have to think about the kids AND you have to put on a happy face with her parents for X-mas?

 

That's insane.

 

She made these choices so she may need to sacrifice SOMETHING.

 

It is important that you start to consider what YOU need now that the plug has been pulled and pack up your heart and move on. It is very unlikely that MC will work at this point as she seems to have her mind made up.

 

It hurts like hell but the sooner you move on with your integrity and dignity intact the better off you will be. Don't let her run her agenda on you if it doesn't settle well with YOU.

Edited December 2, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[RunOverDad]

Beach and Shannon,

 

Thanks for the advice. I don't know if I can get out of the inlaws visiting as it will impact Christmas for our kids. But I do think we should start the process right away. We have discussed using mediation instead of simply filing. Neither one of us wants to have a bitter divorce and for most items I think we will be reasonable with each other.

 

Florida - I did have others recommend intensive MC. The trouble is that she won't go. At each of our 3 MC sessions she objected to the MC suggesting fixes as she doesn't want to fix it.

 

I think by beginning the process of moving on I will claim my dignity back and if there is any bluff to call maybe the process will shock her back. Not that I have much positive expectation. I just can't handle limbo.

 

Its funny how many people have suggested that there is a PA/EA. I've looked as best I can and see no evidence. But I do think there is the attractiveness of someone new.

 

I've done my damage over many years focusing on being the provider and neglecting our relationship. It may just be too little too late.

[beach]

The kids will adjust to Christmas plans. And your W needs to call and tell them why the change of plans in front of you.

 

That way you know she tells them about the decision SHE has made to break up the family - and that this is one consequence to HER decision.

 

While she's at it - she can tell them pretending everything is all okay while planning to divorce is not a lie you're willing to go along with.

 

Don't leave it to be done while you're not around - she may tell them something else that puts the blame all on you.

 

She wants the D - she's better off owning the responsibilities of her choices.

[ShannonBanana]

Again, I agree with Beach. Children are very adaptable. They will not grow up to be delinquents because their Christmas plans changed one Christmas and they didn't see their grandparents once.

 

I can understand being protective of your kids, but it is fair to say that you may not be giving them enough credit and putting too much pressure on yourself. I am sure they will understand. If it is too much for you to have your in-laws over (which is completely understandable) right now, put your foot down and make a good Christmas with your children otherwise.

 

They will be far more understanding than you think.

[RunOverDad]

So the question of the day. I've spoken to a couple of mediators. I believe we are in agreement that this is how we will divorce. I must say that I don't know if I trust anything now. She may have already retained someone. But I've decided my path must be to begin protecting myself emotionally and start the process that she has decided upon. The cooling off period her is 90 days. I'm inclined to simply file D online to start the clock. Its pretty straight forward to file the petition in an uncontested divorce. Then we can work through the parenting plan and division of assets in mediation. I discussed the mediators I've spoken to last night and told her that the clock doesn't start until a petition is filed. One mediator I've spoken to advised against starting the clock before some mediation, but maybe being a guy I feel like I need some action.

 

Any opinions?

[Floridapad2]

I would advise to not unilaterally file on line if she is willing to do a mediator. She will become distrustful. Do it together through the mediator. Have a good attorney on speed dial if she decides to file. If you file online she will become afraid and feel the need for a counselor. Do everything through the mediator. Let her get comfortable with the mediator. I filed online and my ex immediately got an attorney as the reality of divorce set in. Let the mediator ease you both through the process.

[RunOverDad]

Holy crap. I was so sure that she was faithful. I just discovered at a minimum a deep EA. I'm trembling. Printed out 50 pages of emails and not sure what to do?

 

You guys called it exactly.

 

Help.

[Allumere]

Ok, take a breath. I have been exactly where you are. First, you now have a lot of answers you didn't have before. It sucks, but it is a blessing. Second, before confronting her I would speak to a lawyer as depending on the state this could have possible affects on the divorce outcome. Also, if the possibility exist that there is more than an EA then a lawyers guidance would be useful in regards to documenting such. Third, contact your counselor immediately. You need to talk to someone ASAP.

 

Be angry but use it smartly.

[RunOverDad]

It is hard to breathe. It sure explains a lot. I don't think this will affect the divorce in my state. But thanks for the advice. I'm shaking.

[Allumere]

I know you are. Trust me. I did have the advantage of a confirmed physical affair and therefore called my spouse first and left a vmail, the OW second (lef ta vmail) and then the OW's husband. In my situation the OW husband became a valuable resource for support and dialog. Understand that these were people we were "friends" with so that made communication with the OW's husband easier.

 

Do you have someone you can call or meet with to vent right now?

[RunOverDad]

I do. I'm planning to take the kids away for an overnight and just discovered that she intends to sneak away and turn an EA into a PA.

 

This makes so much sense now. Also the sudden switch in position on our relationship.

[Allumere]

Good. I know this so sucks and for that I am very sorry but again you have your answers. Focus on your kids as best you can. They are the good out of all this.

[aliveagain]

Expose the affair, is the O/M married or in a relationship? Exposure ruins the fantasy and brings everyone back to reality. Now that you know her real reason for leaving the marriage make the infidelity as uncomfortable as possible. Protect your finances, whatever she takes from you will finance her new nest with O/M.

[beach]

She's been lying. She's not invested in the M.

 

Make it real...to her. Have her move now and file for D.

 

No one says you need to finalize the D - just show her what she's been asking for and tell her you know what she's intending to do. Stay in the house and keep your kids with you for now. Move your money and close credit cards with her name on them.

 

Make her really uncomfortable. She needs to be scared she's ruining her life as she's known it.

 

Then sit back and go quiet on her - she wants to act single? She can figure out how to get back on her feet all on her own.

 

Either she will "wake up" to the reality she's creating - or she'll delve deeper into the hole she's digging for herself.

 

Don't rescue or fix anything for her! Expose to anyone that asks. She needs to see first hand what storm she's creating herself.

[RunOverDad]

The affair is exposed. Possibly the PA will be avoided due to my discovery but I am amazed at how quickly this developed and how deeply the expression of love is between them.

 

I hate that I am now just a cliche of the left behind with a WAW (she has so far only emotionally walked away)

 

Her claim is that this developed after she had made her decision but it does shed light on why she was so opposed to fixing anything during MC.

 

This is a helpful place. I'm so disappointed that you were all correct. I thought I was married to a more honorable person.

 

Despite everything I know I would still give anything to have a chance to rekindle our relationship both for the health of our kids lives and I do still love her.

 

Thank you all.

[beach]

She "intended" to cheat on you.

 

What are her consequences?

 

What changes now? If nothing changes = then nothing changes...she will cheat again.

[RunOverDad]

I guess her consequences are that she gets the divorce she wants. I see no way to stop it.

[aliveagain]

You know the truth now so you can treat her for what she is, a lying cheater who stabbed your family in the back for her own selfish reasons. She gave up on the marriage, she's been plotting with O/M against you, you don't have to be nice anymore. Treat her like you would any other threat to your family. Cut off her finances, take her off joint credit cards, only pay your half of everything, let her see what her future looks like. Read up on the "180", make it your new way of life. The 180 will help you stay whole as you get through this, it's not a vehicle for revenge but a method to help you stay strong and survive, it's only for you and it works.

[beach]

I guess her consequences are that she gets the divorce she wants. I see no way to stop it.

 

Then pack her stuff today and make sure she moves now.

 

Inconvenience her a bit for ruining your life.

[RunOverDad]

So my wife is very remorseful and has agreed to cut all contact with OM. I hope she can do that. I don't know if it changes much in our path. I still want to stay married and she still wants to drive the divorce process forward. I've consistently responded that I will cooperate but that I am married to her until a judge tells me otherwise and I am not done with our marriage.

 

One of the tough next steps is to tell kids d12/s5. I feel as if I need to maintain honesty with my kids and that they should know that this was not my choice or wish. She doesn't want to own the decision in front of our kids and thinks I'm some kind of monster. What's right. Protect your kids at the cost of telling a lifelong lie?

 

I have agreed that we will keep the EA away from the kids. She has claimed that she was done with our marriage long before the EA in the past 2.5 months. I believe the EA gave her the courage to stand up and tell me she wanted out because she could see a place to go and at the same time denies me the opportunity to get her to participate in counseling.

 

The conversations around the EA have gone from good to bad to worse to good. She has been very honest (it helps that I have the email trail). I've generally left the anger out as it has been my hope that with the EA exposed we may have some tiny window to salvage. But the anger did come out last night and it certainly damaged whatever progress we had made.

[beach]

You're helping her cover up her truth = she's been cheating.

 

Exposing truth is best.

 

You're also helping support her and make sure she's comfortable while she continues to cover up and cheat.

 

 

Do the opposite of that plan.

 

When nothing changes = nothing changes.

 

She wants to act like a tramp? Show others what she's been doing.

 

Consequences for bad behavior are more effective. She doesn't seem to be having any consequences.

 

You're playing hard ball right now - but you're not even playing on the field. Playing softball while she plays hardball won't be effective either - unless you intend to continue being her doormat.

[RightThere]

One of the tough next steps is to tell kids d12/s5. I feel as if I need to maintain honesty with my kids and that they should know that this was not my choice or wish. She doesn't want to own the decision in front of our kids and thinks I'm some kind of monster. What's right. Protect your kids at the cost of telling a lifelong lie?

 

Don't do that now. Although I know you don't want to divorce, you cannot throw your soon-to-be-ex-wife (get used to calling her that) under the bus. She is still their mom and they are too young to process the reasons.

 

At this point in time, you need to suck it up and put up a united front in regards to the divorce to your kids. You both agree to separate, but it makes you very sad.

 

After some time has passed, your kids will be older, smarter, and will probably ask you more questions about what happened. When they are ready you can tell them the truth. But right now it would be too much to process not only the divorce, but the fact their mom is a cheater.

 

As hard as it is, you need to start thinking and doing what is best for your kids. It's obvious your STBXW did not put them first.

[RightThere]

She has claimed that she was done with our marriage long before the EA in the past 2.5 months. I believe the EA gave her the courage to stand up and tell me she wanted out because she could see a place to go and at the same time denies me the opportunity to get her to participate in counseling.

 

The conversations around the EA have gone from good to bad to worse to good. She has been very honest (it helps that I have the email trail). I've generally left the anger out as it has been my hope that with the EA exposed we may have some tiny window to salvage. But the anger did come out last night and it certainly damaged whatever progress we had made.

 

Also you are very early on after D-Day. I would bet that she is trickle-truthing you. Letting out a bit of information and truth, but not all of it. It's very possible this affair (even the physical part) has been going on much longer than you realize.

 

Your STBXW needs to be judged based on her actions. Not going to counselling is not a good sign.

[RunOverDad]

RightThere

 

I know your advice on talking to the kids is correct. And I do have to accept that she is my STBXW.

 

I don't see benefit in exposing her further. Her family knows and I believe in someways accept it as they have a good relationship with OM. Its just f'n done as she is dead on her path. Even telling me last night that she has wanted to divorce me for two years.