Someone help about my STUPIDITY please, please!! Guys and Girls, your opinion wanted!

[lilian]

I hope that someone has come across my problem or can give me some tips on how to overcome it as it is really destroying my life!

 

I am quite a beautiful woman (sorry for sounding arrogant but this is part of problem); or at least that is what I get to hear and I really believe that men notice me and I have always had very nice boyfriends. My weight is ok; I would be considered slim but not skinny!

 

Anyway, there is a lot in life I can be grateful for. What I am very grateful for is my boyfriend (future husband hopefully, as we talk about it a lot). He looks very good, is financially very successful and most of all loves me with all his heart and treats me really well.

 

As he is quite successful, went to very expensive boarding schools and unis etc, his friends are all very successful too and therefore have GREAT girlfriends. What I mean is that I am moving within circles where a lot of women just look awsome! And I really feel jealous which means that I don't like meeting up for parties with them, and summers are the worst! As we live right on the beach and have a boat we spend the summer in our bikinis and there is always some beautiful women around!

 

I mean, among all his male friends (with these hot, successful girlfriends) my boyfriend is the nicest one! I mean, he treats me so nice, shows so much affection (after almost 3 years of relationship) and everyone loves him as he is such a kind and reliable person. so i'm the lucky girl as a few of his male friends may have a lot of money but look crap, or are very indifferent to their girlfriends, or let the girlfriend do all the housework, or have cheated. Whereas , my boyfriend is a really kind hearted and goodlooking person.

 

Now my problem: I have to get over this insecurity thing. For example his sister, her husband and their two children stayed with us a month ago. I was hoping that she had put on weight after giving birth to her latest baby but she is as slim as ever (my size) but still it pisses me off!!

 

Maybe, it's because I'm an only child and also was used to be among the prettiest ones at school and at work but now with my boyfriend being so successful my social life has somewhat changed and I feel there is so much competition.

 

NOt in ways of him leaving me (as his friends tell me, they have seen him so happy) so I'm feeling secure that he has chosen ME. But it just buggs me when I make myself pretty and then we pick up his sister at the airport who is stunning, or go to a party with beautiful women or go swimming with other girls who have very good bodies!

 

I am aware of how unattractive it is to feel so insecure and I know that my boyfriend notices it too! So, what can I do to just enjoy myself and not CONSTANTLY comparing myself to other women and feeling pissed off when I am not the smartest one of a group, or the most beautiful one or the one with the best body?

 

I seriously need help as for example those two weeks when his sister was here were an absolute torture and I guess I never really smiled and felt so bitter and insecure! when his sister is the sweetest and kindest person ever!

 

What is wrong with me?? Or are there women who feel the same? Or guys who saw this problem in former girlfriends?

[Cecelius]

There's nothing wrong with you. Maybe you missed Mr. Rogers -- seriously, in the end, there's only you. Why worry about what others have going on? You have your strengths, your weaknesses, etc., but so do they.

 

The thing that all men and women are going to be unbelievably jealous of you about is how self confident you are.

 

Make a plan for yourself that no matter what, you won't show your insecurity. Over time of acting confident, you should get to the point where you really are confident.

 

And why shouldn't you be confident? You're you.

[very-confused-girl]

I absolutely can understand you. I had and still have the same problem. Even when I achieved something really good like being the best student in the entire school it still didnt satisfy me and I felt insecure and that I really didnt achieve anything and felt too much of a competition. I was told so many times that I was beautiful and inteligent but it didnt satisfy me and I still felt that I had to be the best..... To lot of people thought I was confident, maybe even overly confident but deep in my soul I wasnt confident at all, I just acted to be like that.

 

Stop it if there is still a time. Trust me that constant comparing yourself to other people will cause just a trouble. Relax and enjoy yourself. I know its harder said than done but believe what people say. If they find you attractive and smart, then you should believe that it is really the case.

 

Other thing is that being in a relationship with a person who is constantly comparing herself/himself with other people and cant find safisfaction is not very easy and pleasant.

 

And besides that everybody has different taste and views so you dont need to feel the fear that your boyfriend´s sister necessairly has to be considered as more beautiful and inteligent than you by other people.

 

The most beautiful people (I am talking about beauty of look and soul as well) are those ones who are satisfied with themselves because only these people are "glowing" and they do have very positive energy for lots of people the most turn-on. Because happy satisfied people are charming and charm is much stronger than look.

 

Sometimes you might come across woman who is extremely beautiful but somehow doesnt look happy, she might look like being tired of life and has constantly worried and pissed off look on her face and these things are taking away 80 percent of her beauty.

 

Maybe the reason why your boyfriend´s sister is so beautiful is mostly because she is this happy glowing charming easy-going person. So let her be your example and try really to relax and find happiness inside of you.

 

Keep saying to yourself that you are wonderful person and you have lots of strenghts and this should help.

 

Good luck!

[EC]

The spot light is taken off of you and you feel neglected and not good enough.

 

But you have to remember your bf chose you!!! Sure those other women are beautiful but remember what you just said, their bf's treat them badly, some cheat, some are ugly!!! Just because they are beautiful doesn't mean they are happier or better than you.

 

You sound really nice and you just need to appreciate the things that you have, appreciate the body you have, and the wonderful boyfriend you have. You cannot constantly compare yourself to every woman you meet. You will be miserable.

[quankanne]

what can I do to just enjoy myself and not CONSTANTLY be comparing myself to other women and feeling pissed off when I am not the smartest one of a group, or the most beautiful one or the one with the best body?

 

I think everybody's got that hang-up to some degree, and really, the only way to move past it is to tell yourself that for better or for worse, there will never EVER be anyone like you because you're a unique creature. You might not be the sharpest, the best looking or richest, but it doesn't matter: you're you, and no one else can ever be that unique combination of personality, looks and intelligence, thank God for that.

 

try not to obsess on externals like wealth or looks, because those things are fleeting. when all is said and done, the only thing that someone has got going for them is their personality. The other stuff is not important in the larger scheme of things.

[lilian]

thanks guys for all your positive comments.

 

I have actually even been thinking about hypnosis to get a bit more self confident! What do you think? anyone has experience with that?

[very-confused-girl]

No I wouldnt recommend this. I heard hypnosis could be dangerous. What would be better - reserve some time just for yourself. Have a bath with aromatic oils, burn some candles and listen to chill - out music. Try to remember every single situation in your life when somebody gave you a compliment. Try to "absorb" it inside. This might help. After that you can go and buy yourself some clothing that looks good on you and fits you perfectly. Try to please yourself by doing something good for you what makes you happy. Give calls to couple of your friends this will make you realize how wonderful person you are because you have friends!

[lilian]

who is Mr. Rogers?

[Adunaphel]

I guess that to accept that there are always going to be people who look better than you, or are smarter than you, or both, is even harder when you look so good.

 

I feel the same towards very intelligent people, even if I've never experienced anything similar towards very beautiful people, since I've never been much in the looks department.

 

Absolutely try to relax...... your bf is with you, he loves *you*.

He's used to be around very beautiful people, so he's not probably going to dump you for a prettier girl(he could have easily dated one in the first place had he wanted to).

He doesn't compare you to other girls, so why should you?

 

Absolutely try to relax.

People who are constantly needing to be the the prettiest one in the group end up being disliked unless they are very good at hiding it.

Nobody in the long run wants a friend who is always trying to get the biggest share of attention(any time you get more than a fair share of attention, you are depriving others of it).....or a friend who is secretly wishing that you'd get fatter or uglier so she'd look better than you.

Apart from this, you'll never really enjoy the company of people who might be really nice.

 

Do you feel all those prettier girls check *you* out to find faults in you?

I don't believe for a moment that you are worse-looking than any of them!!!

 

If they seem to be friendly people ....well, just try to forget for a while that they are women! Forget that your bf is around. Forget about their looks. Enjoy the company!

[lilian]

Thanks so much for your posts! It's nice to see that people who don't know me (you guys) get the point so well!

 

I am absolutely aware that my feelings are wrong, horrible and very unattractive. In fact I have a friend who is very very jealous as soon as I have a new jumper that looks good on me, or when I have a bit of a tan or whatever. This friend of mine is really tiring ; therefore I know how unattractive my problem is.

 

The thing is that I cannot talk to anyone about it and it really is eating me sometimes.

 

We (my boyfriend and I) are for example skiing a lot. So, we're going to this chalet in the French Alps in two weeks. I was looking forward to it immensely as all the girls who are coming are somewhat medium-looking, medium-intelligent, and just nice girls to hang out with.

 

Today my boyfriend told me that there is two more guys coming with their new Swedish and American girlfriends and my mood is destroyed as I am almost afraid that they will be stunning and perfect and the rest!

 

So sick, isn't it? I think about all those people who have no one, or are handicapped or have no food to eat or are alone over these Christmas days. and then there is stupid me who worries about competition with other women!!!!

 

Unfortunately, you aren't always the "master of your thoughts" , are you? :-(

 

But still, thanks for your posts. I think it helps to receive a reaction to my problem, makes me look at it from a different angle!

 

What I'm interested in though: does any of you guys have this problem at times? And how does it manifest?

[very-confused-girl]

Lilian I do have the same problem. I also have to be the prettiest and most intelligent of the group. And the reason is because only if I am the best it makes me feel useful. I was the second best I would already feel useless to myself and to other people, almost like less of a human, not interesting at all. I know it is a bullsh*t because you can be averagely pretty and averagely intelligent relative to group of a people and it still doesnt mean that you are inferior. Easy to say but hard to do. I know...

 

And it went even that far, that everytime somebody, for example my boyfriend says to me: "I know a girl and she is so beautiful that she had very bizzare experiences that happened in her life because of it..." And he starts telling me story and after that I always HAVE TO mention to him that I do have a similar bizzare experience in my life. And my boyfriend usually says to me: "I know that you have a lots of experiences like that as well but at the moment we are not talking about you, I just wanted to tell you story about that other girl..."

 

In fact if I am acknowledged of having a certain quality and if someobody "forgets" to mention that he/she sees this quality in me, I feel like they dont know I do have this quality. So I always have to mention to people that I did have amazing experiences in my life as well, if a friend of mine is telling me about success that he/she achieved in school I have to immediately come up with a similar story. The fact is that I dont make up these stories. I really do have them but I am almost forcing them on other people and thats not nice and it becomes annoying.

 

I never knew how annoying I can be to other people until I met a girl similar to me. She was showing herself off, boasting about herself. After being with her for a few days I knew all experiences that she had because of her look or intelligence. She could sing very beautifly but she straightaway wanted to let this know other people.

 

This made me realize how annoying I have to be as well and from that moment I have started to work on how to be more modest. In fact I am not overly confident it is just an illusion that I am giving to people, the fact is that I have to constantly proving to other people and to myself that I am pretty, inteligent etc...

 

I think you have self-confidence issue as well. Really try to relax, this is the only thing that can help. Try to tell yourself that even if you are not the prettiest from the group of people, people still find you wonderful.

[lilian]

Hey very-confused-girl

 

What was your childhood like? Do you think that's where the problem lies? Were you spoilt as a child and treated like a little princess or did your parents go through a divorce or favour your sister etc?

 

I'm interested to know what your past looks like? Or has someone you really loved a lot dumped you or cheated on you?

 

thanks :-)

[very-confused-girl]

My parents are still together but the problem may come from my mother. Sometimes she has moments when she is very cruel and spiteful and is insaulting other people. She has been doing it since I was a kid and unfortunately I was the one she was insaulting at most. She had very inferior feeling and degrading other people made her feel good about herself.

 

Unfortunately she was degrading me even in moments of my childhood when the child has be receiving appreciation in order to grow up without problems. I came home and said to her: "Look mum, I got A from this test of mathematics today and it was very hard test and lots of people failed!" First of all she appreciated me but as soon as she got a bit tipsy she started telling me that I actually didnt achieve anything that anybody could get A from this test. The thing is that she is a very talented woman but grew up in a basic conditions without any oportunity to be given chances to spread her talent. Her parents didnt force her to do anything creative. She comes from a village where the chances were very small. Then she met my father and they went to biggish city and then I was born.

 

So I had a bit better situation that I have the opportunity the spread my talent and maybe she has always been a bit envious of me and therefore instead of being proud of her daughter, she was insaulting me. Unfortunately in periods of my childhood when I needed to be appreciated. She was insaulting absolutely everything about me - my looks, my intelligence, talent, everything.

 

If I look at it even I am adult know I am trying to get from other people that I didnt get from my mom.

 

And what about you Lilian? What about your childhood? Maybe your problem comes from childhood as well.

[lilian]

Yes, I'm not sure!

 

My mother was always somewhat "perfect" in complementing me and spoiling me to the outmost (not money-wise as we were never very rich) but with love. She was very unhappy with my father's family (sisters and brothers) though as she has always been a simpler woman (in the positive sense of the word). My aunts and uncles (from my father's side) were all very successful, good looking etc. Whereas my mum was a real mother and housewife. So I remember her giving my dad quite a lot of grieve and I remember her being jealous of my aunts!

 

My dad was always a bit unhappy and hated his job (he had to take over grandad's business) which never really went great and he worked SO hard! It destroyed him over the years and he definitely started making nasty comments towards me. I have the same experience like you with a math exam, where I scored an A and Dad said: "the truly intelligent people are those who don't have to spend hours behind books and still get A's". He was a very loving dad and I could tell that I was everything to him but his bitterness made him behave in a strange way.

 

He never went to vistit some of my uncle's houses and I reckon it was because he felt inferior. His life was somewhat made out for him. He would have been an extremely talented and intelligent person and would have been a great architect or doctor or lawyer but was never given a chance to study (unlike his younger siblings). He had to take over the somewhat "rotten" business and there was no alternative!

 

So maybe that's where part of my insecurites come from. who knows!

[very-confused-girl]

I would say this might be the case. Maybe you just dont want to end up like your parents. You dont want to turn to this "boring housewife". You are different generation from your parents, you have more opportunities and you want to get out of it as much as you can. And you are still fearing that you might not achieve very much regarding looks and inteligence. Maybe you are afraid you gonna be "forgotten" and theferore you are trying to reensure yourself and other people that you are "here".

 

Our parents could be sometimes a little bit dumb as they are still just a human and they have their feelings as well and they cant always be ready and prepared to help their kids and to do their best to prepare kids spotless childhood. Unfortunately then it is up to you to take from somewhere and someone else what your parents couldnt give to you.

 

Luckily my boyfriend is a little bit of a "psychologist" and he could spot this in me immediately and we have been discussing my problem so much and he is very much giving me compliments. It doesnt sound like cliché because he is really honest with what he says.

 

Eventhough my mother was insaulting my inteligence most of the time, to me to most painful and hurtful thing was when she insaulted my look. Because thats probably something about us, women, that we feel the need to be beautiful. And if somebody insaults our "most powerful weapon", it can cause damage for life if we are not CONFIDENT ENOUGH. Yes, I really think confidence is key to this all. You have to raise your confidence by spending more time pleasing yourself, and if somebody gives you a compliment you have to "take it in".

 

Sorry for my bad English!

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by lilian

 

I am absolutely aware that my feelings are wrong, horrible and very unattractive.

 

Hey, don't feel bad about them!!

These feelings are very human. I think that most people experienced them at some stage of their lives.

It was brave of you to reveal them in a forum where people could be very critical and judgemental. And you already made a great step: you realized that this is a problem, is not healthy and might prevent you from enjoying many aspects of your relationship.

[quankanne]

What I'm interested in though: does any of you guys have this problem at times? And how does it manifest?

 

for the longest time, I was incredibly jealous of redheads. In fact, so much so that I'd let my normally friendly self be overcome by those feelings and I'd be kind of shxtty by badmouthing them to myself. Attractive girls too. Why? Not from how my folks treated me -- my mother gave me wonderful sense of self-confidence and my dad the ability to stand my own ground. Nope, all those insecurities came about from trying to be little miss wonderful to my first boyfriend, a man about 15 years older than me.

 

he was really good about giving back-handed compliments, and silly me, trying so hard to be pleasing to him, let them get under my skin, so much so that I started to develop a poorer sense of self-worth. So whenever he'd go on and on about how he preferred redhads or how yummy a certain woman was, it'd just build and build inside. When we stopped seeing each other (blessing in disguise), I took that diminished sense of self worth with me.

 

through the years, I've found that instead of trying to come up with catty thoughts, finding one nice thing about those people made them more "real" to me, it forged a simple connection to them. and I wasn't as insecure about myself anymore. sometimes I still slip, but mostly it's gotten better because I've realized that for better or worse, there is no one else quite like me, and that's a good thing!

 

turn that jealousy or insecurity around somehow; you'll see that you can control it more easily as time passes. And you'll be able to enjoy those people for who they are and not be upset by what they look like or what they represent.