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It's Christmas and he still hasn't invited me.


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I"ve been dating a 40 yr. old man, who has been divorced for 3 1/2 yrs., and who also has a 5 yr. old son. We've been going out for close to 2 yrs now. He and I are extremely close, seeing each other nearly everyday and he also calls me at least 3 times daily, almost at any chance he has free while at work and then later in the evening until we meet up again. So here is my dilemma. Back in November he had invited me to have dinner with his family for Thanksgiving. This was going to be our very first holiday spent together ever. There I was, so completely excited about finally being invited to a family event, which he has very often, as he's 1 of 10 siblings. As I was literally walking out the door to go and meet him, he calls me to tell me that he had bad news. He said that his ex-wife and son were both going to be there and he didn't want any conflict with his son. I've met his son about 6 times and his son does not even know that Daddy has a girlfriend. In fact, on one occasion his son had asked if he had a girlfriend and my boyfriend had denied me. Anyway, I was completely devastated by this and really hurt. I'm I seriously thought that maybe we were going places and that we might be able to take things to the next level.

 

So, here we are once again at Christmas time and my fear is becoming more of a reality and that is that he's not going to invite me to his family's for any holiday celebration. And I know FOR SURE that his ex-wife is going to be at one of the two celebrations that they are having. What should I do. I'm really bothered by this entire mess and very confused to say the least. He just recently asked me if I would consider buying a house with him too. With separate rooms and another buyer though. Like how weird is that!? Is it just business????

 

I don't know if should confront the guy that I truly am in love with or just brush it off and hope for a better 2005 holiday season. But then again, at that point I'll be going on 3 yr in a relationship with a guy who doesn't bring me around his child or family.

 

Help Please!

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Originally posted by Valley

I don't know if should confront the guy that I truly am in love with or just brush it off and hope for a better 2005 holiday season. But then again, at that point I'll be going on 3 yr in a relationship with a guy who doesn't bring me around his child or family.

 

Help Please!

 

 

If you've been in a so-called "relationship" with a dude who does not invite you to family events or denies your existence to his son and family then you are not in a "relationship".

 

Trust me, I know cause I did this to a woman for a year. She was fun to hang out with but I wanted a causal relationship and she wanted marriage, etc.... So to keep her at arms length I never involved her in anything that would allow her to believe we were more than casually having fun.

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very-confused-girl

Regarding buying a house - this sounds a bit suspicious. If he considers this house to be yours and his for you to live there together, why other buyer would be involved? You should talk definitely talk to him about this topic.

 

Regarding last X-mas party at his family place - did he know that his ex-wife was coming there? If he did so, why did he leave it until last minute (when you were walking out the door from your place) to inform you?

 

I think the best thing would be if you told him that it was a bit irresponsible of him last year when he informed you on last minute about his ex wife´s presence at the party.

 

I understand he denies you, his son is still a bit young to understand the situation and your boyfriend wants to wait until he grows up and become more mature to admit you to him. I wouldnt consider this as an issue.

 

And regarding you being in a relationship with him for almost 3 years without being introduced to his family - that´s a very hard thing. I understand your sad feeling about that I would be pretty pissed off as well but you cant force him to introduce you to his family. Maybe he feels it is not still the right time to do it. Maybe introducing you to his family is not such a big thing for him and therefore he doesnt know how much it is hurting you. Dont accuse him of anything and dont dictate him anything and dont force him to do anything but tell him how imporant is to you to meet his family and tell him you would leave it up to him when he decides it is the right time to do it but stress that you want definitely one day to meet his family. Like this he wouldnt feel like you are forcing him to anything.

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If he is divorced theres no reason he should be treating you like that. You should talk to him & tell him how you feel. Buy a house w/ seperate bedrooms??? Is he serious? Is he that afraid of his ex-wife? When my parents divorced they didn't keep their gf or bf from me, I met them right away(I was 5) Is his ex-wife holding their son over his head or something?

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savethedrama4allama

What the heck is the ex-wife doing at the family functions, anyway? The child, yes...but the ex-wife, no. She should be the one told not to come, not you, if he wants to avoid conflict.

 

As far as denying your relationship to the child, I can see why he'd do that until he was sure that you two were going to take it to the next level, which you'd think he'd know after 2 years. How long ago did he do this? Most parents don't want their kids to be aware of different people they date, its too much change and can negatively affect children. Its not good for kids to get attached to a person that may not be around forever in the case of a breakup, especially after they have already been through a divorce. Hopefully he is just trying to protect the child.

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savethedrama4allama

An afterthought: doesn't it just make you want to dump him, knowing that you'll get treated better as an ex-girlfriend than a girlfriend? Maybe then you'll be invited to the family functions.

 

Ugh. :mad:

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clandestinidad

I am completely floored and disgusted that the ex-wife attends his family's gatherings!! WTF!?!??! I agree w/ savethedrama....this is just too weird! Is the child not ever alone w/ his father, and is SHE always there when theyre spending time together?!?

 

I have a 19 month old daughter, who's never really known her dad and is uncomfortable around him. For this reason, I am always there when they have visitation. She just doesnt know who he is, and needs me there for numerous reasons. If your boyfriend's son doesnt really know him, which I doubt b/c he's old enough and spent at least 2-3 years w/ him in the same house, THEN I'd say dont worry about the ex-wife being there b/c its to help the child. But I dont think thats the case b/c the kid is 5!!! He needs to grow some balls, and tell the ex that its HIS son too, its THEIR holiday time together, and she's not welcome!!! He also needs to realize that he's ruining the time together for all of his relatives by making the situation so weird and uncomfortable!!!

 

She should be the one told not to come, not you, if he wants to avoid conflict

 

Excellent words, STD4YM!!!

 

youve been with this person almost 2 YEARS, and he's still pushing you aside!! This is rediculous!!!

 

DO NOT get involved in home buying or anything else related to business w/ this man!!! He's not showing very good character, and you WILL end up losing. If he wants to live together, the 2 of you, and show everyone (including his son and ex-wife) how important you are to him and that he sees his future w/ YOU, then I'd say live together and continue this relationship. Until he does that, I say back off and detatch a little and if he has a problem w/ it tell him that youre not going to keep moving forward when he keeps showing you that he's not!!!!

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well the ex-wife is the mother of his child

 

so if HIS family has a holiday party the ex-wife will be invited

 

and if the ex-wife's family has a holiday party the ex-wife will always be invited

 

the two families are inextricably linked cause of the child

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savethedrama4allama
Originally posted by alphamale

well the ex-wife is the mother of his child

 

so if HIS family has a holiday party the ex-wife will be invited

 

and if the ex-wife's family has a holiday party the ex-wife will always be invited

 

the two families are inextricably linked cause of the child

 

 

Umm....no. Ex-wives and husbands don't come to my family functions, unless it is the wedding or graduation OF THE CHILD.

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...If you've been in a so-called "relationship" with a dude who does not invite you to family events or denies your existence to his son and family then you are not in a "relationship"...

For the record, this is the first time I agree totally with alphamale. Let's be real folks...unless there are some SERIOUS reasons why, a so-called serious r/s of 2 years duration does entitle you to be included in family events. Not that you should muscle your way in, or get in the ex's way. You need to be civil and mature if you ever encounter her, which you likely will. But your (supposed) bf should be your entree into these events...and ask his family to make you welcome. If he doesn't, then let's just say he has a different understanding of the word "committed r/s".

 

As to whether you should HOPE for a change...NO. Tell your bf flat out that you would like to be invited to his family events, and be treated as part of his family. Tell him which specific event you would like to be there for. Ask for a promise.

 

If he can't or won't give it...which is quite likely...than you will need to come to terms with his view of your connection, and act accordingly.

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Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

Umm....no. Ex-wives and husbands don't come to my family functions, unless it is the wedding or graduation OF THE CHILD.

 

 

Wedding and graduations of the child usually don't happen when the child is 5 yrs old.

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Thanks to you all for the awesome advice seriously. It's really great to get others perspectives. Apparently his sister and ex have remained friends and the sister is the one that invites his ex to her house. To top it off, I pretty close to a few of his siblings. I went to high school with one of his sisters and one of his brothers is my sports coach. It's really embarrassing when one of them asks me if I'm coming over for Thanksgiving or a Family BBQ that they are having or a niece's b-day. Total humiliation.

 

I'm 28 yr old and really want to settle down with someone. If he's not that into me then why would he call me so much, spend so much time with me and want to buy a house????

 

What do you think???

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very-confused-girl

maybe for him 2 or 3 years in relationship is still very early stage of relationship and he is not rushing therefore he still hasnt taken you to his family events. But then it doesnt make sense why he wants to buy a house if he still feels that you are at early stage of a relationship.

 

Talk to him and ask him what leads him to wanting to buy the house. And what does he intend to do with it? If it is just a business for him or what he plans to do with it? Ask him if he wants to live there with you?

 

If he says yes, it could mean he is serious with you cos people generally have a common household when they are serious with each other. And in that case tell him that your imagination of serious relationship does involve to get to know his family. Maybe he really doesnt understand how imporant to you is to meet his family.

 

Maybe he has fear from his sister and he just doesnt want to invite you to family events cos he feels that you wouldnt be accepted for example by his sister. And maybe he just doesnt want to make his sister feel uncomfortable. Try to talk to him about that. He is old enough to do what he wants to do regardless his sister´s or somebody else´s opinion. Try to explain to him that sometimes he just cant satisfy everybody´s needs, especially if people´s needs are interfering with each other. His sister maybe doesnt want to see you at family events. And you wanna be member of family events. Your boyfriend is in this case satisfying more her needs than yours. Try to ask him why he prefers her needs and tell him you feel hurt about that.

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Sometimes argues are necessary!

 

My advice is to go to him and tell him how you feel. Tell that you need more commitment and that you are not happy. Ask what are his perspectives. Just as you did here. If you are going to have a long-term serious relationship with him you should be able to talk about everything. You know him for two years now!

 

 

 

Why to loose time? Good luck!

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You're 28 years old...you certainly should know if this is a relationship or not...cmon. As for the whole ex issue...clearly, her being invited to functions is affecting his ability to move on. If he is either not bothered by that or doesn't want to rock the boat...then I'd say "bye." But talk to him and see what he thinks...should be a no-brainer though. And his sister/brother/pet canary can invite whomever they want for holidays, but he should tell them that he prefers to have holiday time with his child and family and no ex. Let the sister and his ex have lunch on their own damn time...Sheeshhh

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DO NOT get involved in home buying or anything else related to business w/ this man!!!

 

 

Exactly sounds like he could be a type of "con man" maybe he thinks you're young and naive and will help him buy this place then when he resells it you'll probably end up with absolutely NOTHING!

 

 

Things don't sound right and I wouldn't be suprised if he isn't trying to 'rekindle' or something with the ex...why in the world wouldn't he bring you along..it's not like you would cause conflict or something (i'm assuming)

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Do you really think I shouldn't consider this a "relationship?"

Maybe I should explain my comment. There are all kinds of relationships, and every individual has the right to decide what they will settle for, or hold out for. My view of the serious bf/gf relationship has several elements:

 

* Public, (at least temporarily) committed, exclusive

 

* Each of you is a big part of the other's life

 

* Each of you knows friends, family, and coworkers of the other

 

* Each of you thinks about the other and talks through important decisions

 

There may be a few highly specific cases where these rules can't be followed.

 

Once we had a lady on Loveshack saying that her "boyfriend" wouldn't TELL HER WHERE HE LIVED! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t47263/?highlight=reef Or another case, where the LDR boyfriend had a current gf in HIS hometown. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t39436/?highlight=twofaced+nonboyfriend In that case, the term "bf" hardly applies. Maybe it should be "man I occasionally have sex with".

 

Your case is not so extreme, but I have to say, I would consider it totally unacceptable not to be included. I understand your humiliation at being forced to tell other friends that you haven't been invited to the events where everyone else you know is whooping it up. There is still a chance here...tell your bf that it is VERY important to you that he start including you. I understand that this means you may run into the ex...but if you can handle it, so should everyone else be able to.

 

As far as the house goes...H*LL NO!!! Not the way things stand now. Sounds like he is used to getting HIS needs met in this r/s...but you are not getting your needs met. Like the need to be included and the need to know that you are #1 to him. If he can't BEAR to have you and his ex in the same room, then HE should be declining the family invitations and taking you skiing or somewhere else 1:1 for the holidays. IMO. But that's expensive...it's a lot simpler to just lighten up, bite the bullet, and say "Mom, I would like you to invite Janine over for Christmas Eve".

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