Getting dumped for another person...? How are you handling the betrayal?

[moon]

Hi,

 

It's been like nine week (I am losing track) since my ex and I broke up. I can deal with the fact that we're never going to get back together. But I feel the hurt and betrayal of being left for somebody else everyday. Maybe I just have an acute sense of perception, but I feel like my ex has no remorse and is enjoying his new relationship. This is what keeps me up at night. He doesn't seem to be paying for any of his sins in life. I can't stand that he's so happy and I am so miserable (not miserable, but hurt). Does anybody have any secrets to stop feeling liked such a dumpee (victim) when your ex runs off with another girl? I mean I knew our relationship wasn't exactly built to last, but why can't I get over the hurt and betrayal? I still feel stung. I am doing the therapy thing and my therapist just seems to think that my exes actions are part of his historical pattern with women. Not anything that makes me feel any better. I sort of feel him laughing at me and knowing he could get me back at any time if he wishes. How did I allow him to view me this way??? I guess I just didn't call him on enough of his garbage. Ewww....I hate being in this position. I guess I just have to ride it out. These are the times I'd love to call him and berate him and remind him that I won't be coming back (but I WILL NOT). But I guess I don't have eyes in the back of my head and I am no psychic so how do I know this is even what he's thinking. It's making this break up harder than it has to be.

 

Yes, it seems like for me the first few months I could put some of this in the back of my mind and deal with the easy parts of this break up--non compatibility, bad communication, his problems, my problems-- as to why things didn't work out. But now I feel I am dealing with the harder, more challenging things, like not getting myself into a situation like this with another guy (once I start dating again). But the pain and fears that this last break up has instilled in me rage on and I worry I'll attract this type of relationship again. I guess that's why (bad) break ups do get harder months later when you start thinking about dating again and still feel like you could fall pray to the past behavior. I have to break the pattern and that's more challenging than just forgeting about that last person.

[Mr Weir]

Moon, you helped with my posting. So here's my view.

 

First of all. Time does heal. But the anger you feel must be vented somehow. Don't contact your ex b/f for answers. I was in exactly the same situation as you and no contact is best. Talk it out with family and friends.

 

By far the most important thing you said was " the relationship wasn't built to last".

I'd go forward from there. It sounded as if there were problems from the start.

 

Why do you need to break dating patterns? You should judge each man on his merits because probably he will not judge you on previous mistakes.

 

As for unresolved anger....well that's harder to deal with. In time you'll meet someone and that will help. I can only suggest you take good care of yourself and at least be physically strong ( so to speak )

 

As for your ex. Maybe he's making the mistake. Maybe his relationship will fail and you'll get the last laugh. That's what happened to my ex if you remember.

 

Also I saw my ex g/f on Sunday and she made a big big point of kissing her b/f right in front of me. She also made a snidey remark in my direction. I was delighted because she clearly has me still on her mind or else she wouldn't have acted that way. Plus her poor b/f, if he realises why she did that then he'll be upset.

 

Plus he's dumped her twice already and moved 20 miles away. A sign of a relationship that's in trouble surely?

 

So, yes, these things have a habit of levelling up. I bet you're a great person and won't have to wait too long for something good to happen. But don't rush in to big decisions

 

Take care

[VirginiaBob]

Things will level up?

 

What goes around comes around?

 

Yea right, that rarely ever happens. The truth is that if you are the one that was screwed over, you are the one that is alone and suffering, while they are humping thier new fling every night and laughing inside about the pain they put you in.

[Debster]

It hurts because you had a blast to the ego. Rest assured, almost everyone has to go through it at one point, so you are not alone. The best advice I can give is to just not let him win. By that, I mean, focus on doing things for you, seeing friends, hobbies, having fun. The best revenge is to be happy.

 

As for what goes around, comes around - I am a firm believer in it. However, it doesn't necessarily have to happen right away.

 

Good luck.

[iceisles]

I was dumped for someone else. Part of me wishes I was still with her, and part of me just wants to see her happy, even if that means not being with me. I think I am remembering the person I fell in love with, though, and not the person that dumped me when something better came along. I am somewhere between accepting that it is over and still hoping we could work things out.

[Mr Spock]

I tend to think that people who get pissed off at being dumped when they are aware it is a very real possibility get angriest at the loss of control over someone. Not that this is you-you need to figure out why you're so angry still. Is it because you're mourning the loss of the relationship? Doesn't sound so much like it as you're incredibly angry that you can no longer express to him how you feel. You're MAD that he broke up with you-you're MAD that it AFFECTED you-how dare he be done with you before you're done with him?

 

Please try to remember that the way you handle yourself during your breakup will be the thing that YOU remember, as well as everyone else, for years to come not the actuall relationship itself. Sad, but true.

 

 

Please get over the fact he's happier with someone else than with you. Your therapist sounds like he or she is full of absolute BS. Forget focusing on him and his "past patterns/history" with women because the guy is GONE. Out of your life, by his choice. Focus on YOU. And this problem you seem to have with letting go of your rage. And anger. Because he dumped you, and you don't get to take it out on him anymore because the relationship is finished.

 

Speaking from a viewpoint of somone who likes closure as well, the only thing telling him how angry you are is going to do is make you look silly. It's not going to make him come crawling back to you so you can forgive him then dump his ass. One thing that's REALLY going to not help you get over your anger is having little rage fantasies like that where he's begging for you to come back. If he's dumped you, that possibility is unlikely.

 

So what do you do now? You SUCK IT UP. Yes, you do. Looking good is the best revenge. Lose 10 pounds if you need to. Calling him to tell him you won't take him back when he hasn't even asked is going to make you look like a loser PLUS embarass you.

 

Keep your head high. Your anger will lessen. It is a harsh reality to face when you're told by somone you care for that they don't feel the same way about you.

 

If you find yourself dwelling on this and you start to get MAD MAD about the whole thing, put on your shoes and go for a walk. Meditate. Breathe. Do not allow it to disrupt your day any longer.

[moon]

Thanks for your advice. Mr Spock I think you're right in a way. I think I can't handle that I lost control over my ex. I made the mistake of putting so much energy into him. He experiences a lot of highs and lows in his life and I was always "there for him." I just kick myself because I had so many chances to get away from him and I utilized all of them. I'd end things, but we'd get back together. I tried to protect myself from really falling for him. And then in the end I realized how attached I was. I guess you don't know how attached you can be to a person after knowing them for four years.

 

You know I find myself jealous (this sounds crazy) because he's always had a problem with depression and he's been on anti-depressents (actually for manic depression) solidly now for about a year and a half and I think it has made a difference in him. He used to feel things so strongly. He used to have feelings. But I noticed that the meds have put him on such an elevation of euphoria that he doesn't seem to experience depression anymore or pain. He pointed this out to me. He said he never feels, sad, unhappy or anthing anymore. He just brushes it all off almost unnaturally. He doesn't experience ANY sort of sadness anymore. So I guess I am jealous because he's gotten to a state of being where I don't even think this break up affected him. Does anybody know anyone like this on medication? Where as a few years ago I think he'd have acted totally different. It's like he just totally changed to this unfeeling person through his hard core medication he takes for manic depression. I have never taken any medication, but I am thinking........man if there is just some happy pill that you can take (like he does) give me some of that. So I guess I sort of realize where his "happiness" comes from. Sounds so trivial.

 

Yeah, I try to focus on all the bad that the relationship had going for it. I don't even worry that I won't find another person. I know I will. I guess I am just experiencing all the natural stages of grieving. I feel sort of used by him now. I feel like I got used. I don't care if his new relationship works out or not. I know it's hard being with him so I am safe now. I don't have to worry about that. I guess there is just this detachment thing that needs to happen, which I am sort of avoiding. I guess over the course of four years on and off with my ex I just got hooked on him. It sucks. I guess I got used to riding his highs and lows. I got used to him always being there. But it wasn't a relationship that should or could last forever. I can do better for myself. I guess it's also hard for me right now because I just moved to a new area (where I grew up) and haven't found a job yet. In the beginning this was good because I could feel really sad all day long if I felt like it or happy all day long. But now it's getting to the point where I WANT to work and it seems hard to find the right job. So that is frustrating me. If feels like all these "bad" things are happening to me. But I can't look at it like that. I should remain positive!!

 

Mr Weir, thanks for your positive words of encouragement. I guess I might be entering into the acceptance phase in regards to the end of this relationship and I am not allowing myself to do just that. But no I haven't called, written or done anything. I just removed myself from his life. He wasn't the guy I should be with, really, so I have to keep reminding myself of that. Thanks. I feel like such a whinner for even explaining how hurt this has all made me but I guess my feelings of hurt and betrayal are natual. No matter how f*cked up a person you were dating, you still might wonder why that f*cked up person didn't want you. My ex just had/has a lot of problems. It would be hard to list them all here. But he's always trying to get past them. I guess I just thought one day with enough work and effort my ex and I would overcome troubles and things would be great. Easier said than done!!! I guess somethings will just never be. I guess he just came to that realization earlier than me. I guess I should just take the lessons I learned from this and move on. Thanks again!!

[Mr Spock]

I hope you are able to let that anger go-what you REALLY want his him to acknowledge you so you can snub him, and that ain't gonna happen.

 

 

If you have to, stop talking to him. Look on the bright side. Now you're free to pursue someone who DOESN'T have such huge mental issues that they require medication.

[iceisles]

How's this for screwed up thinking....I think I only want my ex to want me back, though I don't REALLY want her back. I don't know if that makes any sense to you. I guess all I want is her to miss me and/or regret breaking up with me, but I highly doubt that will ever happen.

[moon]

Mr Spock, I am in no way in contact with my ex. Not at all. I haven't been in contact with him since the end of October when this thing all blew over. It's been a little over two months since I contacted him. I don't know if I want to snub him so much right now. I think it would be dangerous if he called me because I don't know what I'd say or do. I realize that.

 

I guess it's different when you have a nice relationship for a few years and then the guy dumps you out of the blue and you're hoping to get back at him for that. My ex and I were on and off for years and years and our relationship pattern included break ups and make ups. So I am not necessarily hoping to snub him. I don't think that would work anyway. He and I had been through all of that a number of times. We'd been around the block with all sorts of relationship scenerios. Been there, done that. I guess I don't even know what I want from him. I don't want him back but I want him to suffer on his own. I don't necessarily want to directly (by my actions) bring that about for him. There's really nothing I could do to cause him harm right now. Nothing I can think of (well I could imagine, but I have too much self respect). So I go date somebody else. How's he going to know about it? We don't even speak. Yeah, I guess I am just getting very confused all of a sudden with how I feel about the whole sorted thing. I am not jealous anymore about the other woman, I am more hoping for a big disaster in his life, that will somehow reach my ears through the grapevine. I know that sounds horrible. So horrible. But I am not necessarily sitting here wishing he'd call. It's just one of those things where you are still mad but trying to shake it so you talk about it in your head and say the words, but you're so confused you don't know what to think. I have to stop being confused!!!

 

I think I'll just keep looking for a job and try to fill my days now with exercise and other things to keep my mind spinning with new ideas. Thanks.

[VirginiaBob]

iceisles: I have the exact same feeling. There is no way I can take her back because she burnt her bridges in a big way, but I'd like her to want me back.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

iceisles: I have the exact same feeling. There is no way I can take her back because she burnt her bridges in a big way, but I'd like her to want me back.

 

Maybe one day our exes will feel remorse for their actions. It takes a rare person to remain completely heartless their entire life. I'm afraid by then, though, I won't care anymore. And I guess I'd be happy with that, as well.

[VirginiaBob]

"Maybe one day our exes will feel remorse for their actions."

 

Don't count on it, they've moved on and could care less about us than a trivial inanimate object. It's sad really. Oh well, only 60 or so years left and I'll be dead. Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? To be honest, I'd rather be oblivious to all this love and relationship stuff. Too bad I got my first taste way back in high school and am always yearning for more.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

"Maybe one day our exes will feel remorse for their actions."

 

Don't count on it, they've moved on and could care less about us than a trivial inanimate object. It's sad really. Oh well, only 60 or so years left and I'll be dead. Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? To be honest, I'd rather be oblivious to all this love and relationship stuff. Too bad I got my first taste way back in high school and am always yearning for more.

 

Lots of folks envy me being single. I always thought they were trying to make me feel better. Maybe they are, but I definitely see the upside to it. Sometimes I just think about getting several hobbies and giving up on love altogether. It's not that my soul-mate isn't out there, it's just that I can't stand the heartache anymore. If I could stop worrying about romance, I'd be thrilled.

[VirginiaBob]

You'll meet your soul-mate, your really believe in that crap?

[iceisles]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

You'll meet your soul-mate, your really believe in that crap?

 

Lol, no, but it seems to appease the masses. Is it possible to truly block out and give up on love, or is it just in our genes to keep plodding forward? Most days I feel like a 2-10 football team...there's nothing good coming in the near future, but I keep going through the motions because of personal pride.

[VirginiaBob]

I know, even if this whole soul-mate mumbo jumbo were true and you really do have one-true-love out there for you, what are the chances that you would ever meet her? Pretty much nill, right? I'm the same way, feeling defeated before the game really even gets started. I can even tell a few months into a relationship that it is going to fail. I start saying to myself, "here we go again". I don't know why I bother, but I keep chugging along. I think the only way for me to succeed would be the arranged marriage, or getting married drunk by accident and not getting an annulment. I know one thing for sure, the next time a girl wants to get married, we are going to do so the next weekend. We'll worry about planning the formal ceremony for friends and family at a later date.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

I know, even if this whole soul-mate mumbo jumbo were true and you really do have one-true-love out there for you, what are the chances that you would ever meet her? Pretty much nill, right? I'm the same way, feeling defeated before the game really even gets started. I can even tell a few months into a relationship that it is going to fail. I start saying to myself, "here we go again". I don't know why I bother, but I keep chugging along. I think the only way for me to succeed would be the arranged marriage, or getting married drunk by accident and not getting an annulment. I know one thing for sure, the next time a girl wants to get married, we are going to do so the next weekend. We'll worry about planning the formal ceremony for friends and family at a later date.

 

Have you ever noticed that the folks that tell you to "hang in there" are usually the ones that have things going really well for them? I get so tired of hearing those lines from people. Let them be a perennial doormat for awhile and see if they are still saying that. And although I come off bitter tonight, I am a very positive person. But the trials of love have left me jagged, dejected, and wondering why I keep dealing with this torture. Maybe I think next time will be different, but it usually isn't. By the time things go right, I will be much worse for the wear, balding, and probably an insecure wreck.

[VirginiaBob]

The only good news in all of this is that in 200 years, nobody will really even know that you existed. Even if you have descendats, nobody will know your story, or even your name. Any genes you would have passed down will be so mixed with others that they will have a miniscule effect on the genetics of the people in the future. Your impact upon this world will pretty much be nill. All the times you've loved and were hurt won't mean a darn thing. The funny thing for me is that this is good news. No matter how happy everyone else is and how depressed I am, we are all dirt and forgotten in the end.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

The only good news in all of this is that in 200 years, nobody will really even know that you existed. Even if you have descendats, nobody will know your story, or even your name. Any genes you would have passed down will be so mixed with others that they will have a miniscule effect on the genetics of the people in the future. Your impact upon this world will pretty much be nill. All the times you've loved and were hurt won't mean a darn thing. The funny thing for me is that this is good news. No matter how happy everyone else is and how depressed I am, we are all dirt and forgotten in the end.

 

You and I should grab a couple of beers one day. Lol.

[VirginiaBob]

I've been drinking a lot of beers lately. Did you use any chat programs?

[Guest]

Why are you so hurt when he isn't? Because you are a caring person and he is a user. And it's good that you care and are hurt because it means that you are a person who lets themselves feel their emotions- as oppossed to some people who don't let themselves feel anything (and as a result hurt others).

 

Plus he could be feeling sad- you don't really know. He could be using this other girl as a replacement so he doesn't have to miss you. Some people do this- push their feelings away. If he really does feel sad then he feels sad and if he doesn't? Well although it makes you sad that he can just chuck away everything while you hurt then it just shows that you really are better off now than before. It's natural to hurt and feel betrayed. You just have to tell yourself that it doesn't matter to you what he feels. First you might have to just tell yourself this and pretend you feel that way but one day soon you really will feel it. Who cares what he is thinking? Stop letting him rule your life- he's not even in it anymore and his mere memory is making you unhappy- stop letting him do this to you!

 

You have to make yourself forget him- it's hard to do of course but you CAN'T let him keep dragging you down so easily.

 

If you liberate yourself from this way of thinking then you can feel better about how you will do in your future relationships- concentrate on making yourself feel better as oppossed to hoping that he's feeling worse. He doesn't matter. You matter.

 

And I think that he will get what's coming to him. The world has a way of doing that. But that's not yours to worry about. He's gone- don't let the ghost of him mess up your new life!

[moon]

Thanks guest, that does put some things into perspective. My ex is a ghost now. He's somebody elses problem. And he wasn't right for me, he wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't..........I have to keep reminding myself of that. I think he did replace me. But yes, I don't know at all what's going on with him now. No clue. I know that I don't feel as jealous as I did the first month of this, so I think that's a good sign. Either I am not caring as much or there is nothing to care about. It is just such a cheap shot to dump somebody for somebody else. Of course we had our problems, but if you just plain dump somebody, okay that hurts, but to do it and then jump to somebody else (who you may or may not having been cheating with), that's just a low blow.

 

But yes, I have to keep trying to train my mind, divert it, railroad it into thinking about something entirely different. Like Christmas for example. I just wrapped my presents for my family. Or the fact that the weather has been nice lately where I am or the good book I've been reading. I just need to FORGET. I thought I could do this, but I always have trouble a few months after a break up. At the beginning I am sort of strong and stoic about it, but it's after a while that the feelings really get stirred up. But I have never been in a situation like this. This has never happened to me before. This is, if not the worst, way at the top of the list of the worst things that anybody has EVER done to me.....EVER. So, I guess I just have to keep focusing on releasing the anger. I guess life does suck every once in a while and you just have to ride it out. It is only natural. I think this does happen to a lot of people in the world. It just happens. But I do feel better being on my own after this. It's just trying to keep that smile plastered on my fact that's hard. But I will make that effort every day. Thanks. I can't let his memory control my future. That's right. I can't. There are lots of others out there who would be much better suited for me. I know this, I know this, I know this........I just have to really believe it. It'll come to me.

[SpaceCoyote]

Moon you always have such good advice for others, so I hope here I can help you in any way I can. My situation is somewhat similar - my ex essentially replaced me with someone else, and that feels like nothing short of a betrayal. You have been wise not to have any contact at all with your ex. Hearing anything about your ex and their newfound signficant other is about the most painful thing a person can go through, so you have spared yourself from this.

 

The best thing you can do is to realize that nothing you can do will affect what is going on with your ex. His life is going to go on - independent of yours - and stressing over that is just fruitless. Your focus needs to be on you now. You are wasting your energy putting any focus on him. Be good to yourself and take care of yourself, and your life will work out just fine. It will be a battle, I know. It's a battle I lose all the time myself, when I spend lots of time thinking about her and the past and how it ended and having all kinds of horrible emotions. You have to keep fighting and fighting and someday you will be a better, stronger person for it. At least, that's what I keep telling myself!

 

And I fully understand the feeling of wanting a bad disaster to happen to him. I think it is natural to want the person who hurt you to fail and to feel some hurt of their own. I know I do. And who knows? Maybe it will happen. But live for yourself until it does. And if that disaster does happen, you'll look good when it does.

[ziggue]

It's true. It does happen. I got dumped for someone else too. My Ex dumped me for his Ex Girlfriend. Who had his baby girl. Plus they had been together longer. What made it worse was I knew I was a lot better then her. Plus he was the one that persued me. I felt like that him being with me was a waste of time. Why did he even bother? How could he leave me and go back to that? The baby was the only reason I could think of.

 

About a year and a half later I found someone else. Who is like the total opposite. No physco ex. No kids/babies. He treats me so well and practically has no problems in his life that would effect our relationship. When you are with someone like that it's like a breath of freash air and everything feels so great with that person. .

 

Trust me it does happen. It did for me. . Well for now anyway. Hopeully it lasts.