How do guys feel after breakups?

[greenfairie]

I”ve read a while back something that said: a man will suffer less, but when he will, it will be more intense than ever, the pain of a man can”t be mesured because is pure.

 

Dunno what to say about the whole deal, i think men heal slower than a woman.

 

I for instance, i am ... and just realised this now, a month, exactly a month since it ended and i can feel that time helped me. I went NC, but without ignoring or blocking her.

 

In the past i did the NC all the way, but i felt that somehow by doing that i let the other person know how i miss her and so on. This time i decided to go NC without blocking her and use that as a motivation for me to grow and prove her i am fine without her. Yeah, is hard, but for the moment, i feel i can really do it, maybe in time i won”t care anymore.

 

Is hard to cope in these moments, but you need to speak your heart and mind out and weirdly enough, the people that are here, on this forum, can help you more than anyone in the real life, because everyone here was even once in the shoes that you are. Was or is. People heal people.

 

 

Wow, sorry to hear about your loss. Sounds like a meaningful relationship. How long was that relationship you were in? Kudos for doing the NC. It truly gets easier. I'm at the six month mark right now and it feels great. I feel no temptation or desire. I feel like my ex boyfriend right now is dead to me but I do miss him. I just can't get in touch with him physically or in any way/form online/in real life.

 

Yeah, I agree. This website helps sooo much. I even recommended this site to a girlfriend and she LOVES this site. Its really helped her navigate through her dating dilemmas, and the same goes for me!

[greenfairie]

Apparently it's attractive for a man to have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.

 

The biggest problem is - there's only so long you can repress those kind of feelings before something comes unhinged.

 

And it happened mid-October. F*cked with me big time for awhile, but I've been a lot better because I've been sticking to NC since.

 

Honestly, as much as I'll throw around phrasing that makes like it seem like she acted inappropriately, she did nothing of the sort. Her behavior was pretty benign...I just wasn't in a place to handle it properly.

 

I agree. I had a friend come all the way from Boston to Socal with her boyfriend and he was staying here in LA but on she ditched him on the last day of the vacation. The day they both were supposed to go home, she ran out of the motel room, got in her car, and drove back home an hour away, leaving him in LA alone for him to navigate California alone. What sucked was that the boyfriend didn't know ANYONE, especially his FIRST time being in California so he only knew me! He kept calling my phone, he blew up my phone. He was so worried, that he thought my friend got kidnapped or got into a car accident. I couldn't get in touch with my friend for hours either but then when she eventually called me back, she had told me that she was leaving him. She was not going to return to him and he could go home alone. She would not even call him back or return his messages, she wanted nothing to do with him. I had to drive an hour to get him and SIT with him for hours, listening to him cry and ask me if I think my friend will come back. I felt horrible for the guy but seriously, putting me in an awkward position was uncomfortable. He was crying all the way to the airport and was asking me, Do you think she will come back? All I could say is I don't really know. She seems adamant about her decision if she just left like that and she dropped his bags off at my place while I went to pick him up. I definitely can't deal with guys crying just out of the blue like that but if we're alone and we're having a REAL, conversation that eventually builds you up, then you know, it's different. It's kind of like you gotta cry at the right time if that makes any sense.

[Never Again]

I agree. I had a friend come all the way from Boston to Socal with her boyfriend and he was staying here in LA but on she ditched him on the last day of the vacation. The day they both were supposed to go home, she ran out of the motel room, got in her car, and drove back home an hour away, leaving him in LA alone for him to navigate California alone. What sucked was that the boyfriend didn't know ANYONE, especially his FIRST time being in California so he only knew me! He kept calling my phone, he blew up my phone. He was so worried, that he thought my friend got kidnapped or got into a car accident. I couldn't get in touch with my friend for hours either but then when she eventually called me back, she had told me that she was leaving him. She was not going to return to him and he could go home alone. She would not even call him back or return his messages, she wanted nothing to do with him. I had to drive an hour to get him and SIT with him for hours, listening to him cry and ask me if I think my friend will come back. I felt horrible for the guy but seriously, putting me in an awkward position was uncomfortable. He was crying all the way to the airport and was asking me, Do you think she will come back? All I could say is I don't really know. She seems adamant about her decision if she just left like that and she dropped his bags off at my place while I went to pick him up. I definitely can't deal with guys crying just out of the blue like that but if we're alone and we're having a REAL, conversation that eventually builds you up, then you know, it's different. It's kind of like you gotta cry at the right time if that makes any sense.

 

Eh.

 

It wasn't "out of the blue" and there is no "right time".

 

He should've kept himself together to not burden you, but frankly, what else did you expect from him? He was abandoned both emotionally and literally.

 

If that's not the "right time", then there would never be one.

 

Again, this is why it's beaten into men that the need to be emotionally unavailable. It's unthinkable for us to have any real feelings, because otherwise people get uncomfortable.

[greenfairie]

Eh.

 

It wasn't "out of the blue" and there is no "right time".

 

He should've kept himself together to not burden you, but frankly, what else did you expect from him? He was abandoned both emotionally and literally.

 

If that's not the "right time", then there would never be one.

 

Again, this is why it's beaten into men that the need to be emotionally unavailable. It's unthinkable for us to have any real feelings, because otherwise people get uncomfortable.

 

 

I expected him to be a wreck even long before I got there because I first thought, "Wow. He just got freaking abandoned. This might be seriously traumatizing." I was just saying how I felt about it because I'm a person who doesn't handle those type of situations well and I wish I could have helped the situation but felt helpless.

 

True. I think society needs to learn how to be a bit more respectful of men's feelings.

[Never Again]

I expected him to be a wreck even long before I got there because I first thought, "Wow. He just got freaking abandoned. This might be seriously traumatizing." I was just saying how I felt about it because I'm a person who doesn't handle those type of situations well and I wish I could have helped the situation but felt helpless.

 

True. I think society needs to learn how to be a bit more respectful of men's feelings.

 

I wasn't being judgmental of you, and I hope I didn't come off that way.

 

I'm sorry if I did.

 

See, your reason of feeling helpless - I understand that. Honestly, I feel uncomfortable when a girl cries in front of me because I feel the same way. I mean, what can you really do for someone who's that upset?

 

I think we're actually coming full circle to the question you asked in this post. Most men feel absolutely CRUSHED at a breakup if they didn't want it. Most of us try to hold things in - can't be TOO expressive or we're labelled as too "sensitive" or "effeminate", and if we DARE show too much we'll just kill the romantic interest our partners have for us.

 

But we let them in anyways. We let down our defenses and let someone else into our hearts. They learn what makes us tick, and what makes us happy/sad/insecure/confident and everything in between - "real" love is supposed to have that level of openness...but that level of openness often kills attraction.

 

And then we're left behind. All we've got left is a smoking crater in our chest after we've been blasted, point blank, with a scattergun of rejection. We're vulnerable and upset, but we've been told we can't ever be weak. It's a horrible, vicious spot to be in.

[rec88]

I noticed guys dont really share feelings about breakups. Do they share with their guy friends or just keep it to themselves? Dont they ever get upset in any way? Why are some guys so closed up and acting carefree about feelings on their breakups even if it was a super significant break up?

 

Some guys keep it all in. Whether it be because they are overly masculine and don't like talking about their emotions, or they are embarrassed, or they feel they are bringing everyone else down by talking about it, etc. There are lot's of reasons. The acting carefree is a front. It hurts us too.

 

But just because you don't hear about it doesn't mean they don't talk about it. No matter the scale of the breakup, I only discuss it with a few very trustworthy people and my ex and most others won't hear a peep. It's easy to say a lot of things you will regret down the road, and most of the time our ex's don't deserve that.

[skydiveaddict]

I noticed guys dont really share feelings about breakups.

 

What is there to share? If you break-up w/me, there are no more phone calls,texts,emails, fb etc. If you break up with me i have absolutely no interest in what you are doing now, who you are dating or what your plans for the future are; Period.

[greenfairie]

What is there to share? If you break-up w/me, there are no more phone calls,texts,emails, fb etc. If you break up with me i have absolutely no interest in what you are doing now, who you are dating or what your plans for the future are; Period.

 

That seems emotionally disconnected. I would understand that for short relationships but for meaningful relationships that lasted for a long time, knowing everything about that person to the core.. Wouldnt that person care enough to check if their ex is okay?

[JDPT]

I noticed guys dont really share feelings about breakups. Do they share with their guy friends or just keep it to themselves? Dont they ever get upset in any way? Why are some guys so closed up and acting carefree about feelings on their breakups even if it was a super significant break up?

 

Feels like an emotional train wreck. However, with time AND tons of effort it subsides.

[skydiveaddict]

That seems emotionally disconnected.

 

You're damn right it does. And that's exactly my intention

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

You're damn right it does. And that's exactly my intention

 

This is very true. Good point

[Woggle]

I have felt bad about breakups but I will never let an ex know it. When I was around my ex wife I always had a smile on my face and portrayed happiness. Never let a woman who has hurt you see you cry.

[RDawg]

Is it just me or isn't this whole "she dumped me i'm never going to contact her again I dont want to remember her i'm going to be so indifferent bwaa ha ha" approach get a bit boring?

 

You were in love, it didn't work out, you split whatever.. doesn't mean you can't care or reach out/ be friends or reconnect down the line..

 

Everyone here is so HURT it's almost self perpetuating.

[hurts2death]

i v been dumped. i felt and feel like deth kisses me. it is so bad, it was much worse.

 

its like falling and the only one to hold you turns the back on you. it is HELL

[hurts2death]

agree. but will it ever go completely away?

Feels like an emotional train wreck. However, with time AND tons of effort it subsides.

[organizedchaos]

Is it just me or isn't this whole "she dumped me i'm never going to contact her again I dont want to remember her i'm going to be so indifferent bwaa ha ha" approach get a bit boring?

 

You were in love, it didn't work out, you split whatever.. doesn't mean you can't care or reach out/ be friends or reconnect down the line..

 

Everyone here is so HURT it's almost self perpetuating.

 

 

 

Friendship is not a consolation prize.

[greenfairie]

Friendship is not a consolation prize.

 

 

I know friendship takes time to grow and trust has to be earned…

I mean, if exes get over their exes and eventually want to be friends again..

 

I mean like right now, I miss my ex badly. But that doesn't mean I want to get back with him more than a friend. He was more than a boyfriend. He was my best friend and we went through so many firsts together. I just wish we could talk again because I know he gets me. He's been one of the main characters of my life story…. I can't see him NOT existing in my life. I'd much rather have his friendship more than anything.

[greenfairie]

agree. but will it ever go completely away?

 

It's been almost two years.. but six months since we FINALLY stopped contact… I feel like the first year was super foggy, things weren't clear for me…. I was confused, sad, and lost. The first six months of this year really brought up a lot of my emotions to surface that I was keeping inside all that year before this year. Finally, I saw him six months ago and somehow got closure. It gave me closure to really move forward with my life. I still miss him though. I just know it's easier this way. Sucks though.

[conf]

For a man is forbidden to have emotions or problems. If a relationship has a rough time he must be dumped because the little princess wants to chase the butterflies. But life is not always sunshine and rainbows... The most women talking about equality in relationships but they dont want it. If you want equality you support the other person as he supports you on rough times. As Schopenhauer said the moment you show to a woman that you are equal in a relationship she loses the attraction for you, as you are not the alpha ultra masculine male to lead her. Many women may say that this is not true and they want equality, but on subconscious level what happens???

[WYSWYG]

Greenfairie, everyone hurts in separation. Some suffer more then others - it's human. Our emotions overpowers our mindset to almost a crippling degree - i felt hollow inside for weeks after she left me for another guy 2 months ago.

 

On the majority, guys tend to be more rational and women more sentimental. The ones dumped, naturally takes the brunt. I shed a tears myself - didn't hold back. It was relieving.

 

But, IT WILL COMPLETELY GO AWAY! I had a really, really bad BU two years ago and that ex is now my confidant. We're mutually supportive in times of need. Time really heals.

[lostsoul4286]

I annoyed everyone I knew about my breakup. I made the mistake of breaking up, but it was only after I tried everything (or at least I thought I did at the time). She closed up without telling me and pushed me away (her way is completely being cold and changing positive answers of our relationships to negative ones, etc) I really didn't understand it. It hurts like hell, tried to get her to give it a second chance, and she didn't want to. Now I'm keeping these feelings to myself and this forum, I feel bad bothering my friends anymore about the same bs.

[strive]

Is it just me or isn't this whole "she dumped me i'm never going to contact her again I dont want to remember her i'm going to be so indifferent bwaa ha ha" approach get a bit boring?

 

You were in love, it didn't work out, you split whatever.. doesn't mean you can't care or reach out/ be friends or reconnect down the line..

 

Everyone here is so HURT it's almost self perpetuating.

I guess it depends on the breakup?

 

If the ex cheated, the tendency is anger, thus the i'm-never-going-to-contact-them-ever-ever-ever-again. If it's gigs, it's confusion and the endless why why whyyys. But generally there is hurt in every case.

 

I suppose it's boring for people who have been here for a long time, but definitely not for those who stumbled upon this site say just a few days ago.

[ravssss]

we get sad mad upset try to keep it to ourself the best ... .and beyond a point ... start joking about it when u hang out with friends because guys hate sympathy ... they feel weak ... so they try their best not to open up and eventually get over ...

[WYSWYG]

Btw, I also talked to friends who had been thru a recent BU. They know the feeling and always listened. This forum is a big help.

[CrJsc88]

I understand what Green is trying to ask. To be honest, I was heart broken by the fact that I wasn't going to be with her. Like everyone else, we shared a lot of things that we wanted to do in the future. My brother went through this and he said the best way to get over it is stay busy. Try to workout everyday and do stuff to keep you away from those thoughts. When I'm with my family I try to have a good time but they all have girlfriends so it's hard.

 

 

The way I coup with it is to think I'm not the only one going through this and there can be worst things going on.