How do guys feel after breakups?

[xUnknown]

Men have been taught from the time their little kid to be tough and when you fall down, shake it off and keep going. Don't worry about all that blood, just pick your arm up, put it in your pocket and we'll get it reattached tomorrow, yeah I'm taking it to the Nth degree but women have always had the luxury of being allowed to show emotion. That doesn't mean that a guy doesn't have feelings but for the most part we choose to hide it away due to our upbringing.

 

Lord only knows that in my life, I have been hurt in a big time way and I have at times talked too my close friend about it but still try not to show emotion. We'll get it out by saying things like "Hey! I didn't want to be with her anyway. She was a royal pain in the ass," but deep down it hurts just as bad as it would for a woman. Women will sit down with her friends and put a gallon of ice cream on the table and demolish it in one sitting and a guy will do the same but rather than ice cream, we choose buffalo wings and a six pack.

 

haha this was great. I feel like I need to get a tattoo that says "**** her, she quit, shes selfish, you deserve better. You're a winner, and don't need negativity" like on my arm or something so I keep telling myself this every day. Okay, not a permanent one, just one that lasts for 6-8 months until I'm over it...like one of those stick on ones hah.

 

I haven't had wings in forever, now I want them... crap!

[TylerDurdenn]

I poured my heart out to my ex, then she emotionally raped me

[carhill]

I noticed guys dont really share feelings about breakups. Do they share with their guy friends or just keep it to themselves?

In my demographic, men rarely talk about their breakups or divorces with their male friends. I found that I followed that socialized example during my own D.

Dont they ever get upset in any way?

Sure, but process it through other actions than talking about it. I processed a lot through work and target shooting.

Why are some guys so closed up and acting carefree about feelings on their breakups even if it was a super significant break up?

 

It's what men do. To appear as weak in front of one's peers is to lose face. Men who can't keep a family together are seen as failures, regardless of circumstances. Back-slapping and pleasantries aside, they are viewed as outsiders by those who have success in managing marriages and families and beating challenges which threaten them.

 

Hopefully the younger generations can find a more balanced approach.

[Haydn]

I wear my heart on my sleeve and as a bloke it see no difference between guys and girls. I poured out my woes on any poor sod who would listen. Family are not so good for this kind of stuff. Male friends took me out for the invevitable beer googles night. My close female friends helped me the most and they are the ones still listening to my inane dribble and saying all the right things i need to hear about my ex.

[mtnbiker3000]

I do envy their discipline too. Sometimes, I'm like, why can't I just be a dude? I mean, I curse like a ****ing sailor. I like to burp and fart. But seriously, it's ****ing amazing how guys just can hone their focus on for example, working out or their nutrition or anything sport-related.

 

It's all relative. Don't think for a minute that men don't feel the weight of something like a breakup. I'm 8 months deep and still deal with it daily. It hurts like nothing else I've ever known. Sure there are people who just don't seem to give a crap. Men and women. But they are also the type who probably have some mental disorder like BPD, NPD or are a sociopath.

[greenfairie]

i talked to anyone who would listen tbh , but im very mixed up and still trying to find myself and what i want in life i think once you get to a point when you accept its over after a bad few months then it gets easier and i dont talk so much now with friends before any oppotuninty i would discuss even the stupid simple things as the more you talk the more you think feck me im boring and you question everything depends on how long u were in the relationship and if you have kids to! when it was long and have kids its much harder because you cant not see them!

 

It's all relative. Don't think for a minute that men don't feel the weight of something like a breakup. I'm 8 months deep and still deal with it daily. It hurts like nothing else I've ever known. Sure there are people who just don't seem to give a crap. Men and women. But they are also the type who probably have some mental disorder like BPD, NPD or are a sociopath.

 

Makes sense. Thanks for your input. Gives me better understanding of men in general. Im sorry to hear about that. Hopefully you have peace soon.

 

 

 

Could a guy feel pain even when they have a new girlfriend? I dont know if having a new girlfriend always could be healing for a guy to get over his ex

[mtnbiker3000]

Could a guy feel pain even when they have a new girlfriend? I dont know if having a new girlfriend always could be healing for a guy to get over his ex

 

Again, this is relative. Not all guys (not all people) are the same, feel the same or act the same. Grouping all guys together is an immature way of thinking. People are unique. Male or female.

[Never Again]

Again, this is relative. Not all guys (not all people) are the same, feel the same or act the same. Grouping all guys together is an immature way of thinking. People are unique. Male or female.

 

Agreed.

 

A large part of it has to do with how they deal with grief.

 

Many people, of both sexes, internalize pain. Then it lingers. Instead of being a sharp pain, it becomes an itchy sweater we can't take off...and everything becomes mildly uncomfortable.

 

Some let it out and get over it. My ex was like this. She cried for 4 days, then picked up and moved on.

 

I tend to cover it up, because if I talk about it when it's raw, things spill out. It's not so much about being strong or weak, as it is protecting myself FROM myself. I screwed that up this time around.

[reddragon588]

I felt completely crushed and like I had nothing to live for. But everyone is different. I wouldn't occupy myself with how your ex feels, instead worry about how YOU feel.

[mtnbiker3000]

It's all about emotional investment at the point of BU.

High = Heartbreak

Low = Don't give a crap

Where are you on the scale??

[Salvatore85]

Wow, thanks for sharing. This definitely helps with my healing process to hear from other people who went thru similar things. Just a curious question, what was the reason you told her to never speak to you again?

 

Because she put me through enough ya know? I didn't feel it was fair for her to try and talk to me when I was trying to move on. I don't believe in friendships with an ex as feelings are always going to end up getting hurt. I guess what did it in was we were originally discussing getting back together and going on dates and then suddenly she started seeing someone I considered a friend. I was devastated, completely dumbfounded and honestly had no idea how to react to losing her as not just my girlfriend but my best friend for the last 5 years. I guess I felt I deserved more from someone who I went through so much with...

[greenfairie]

Agreed.

 

A large part of it has to do with how they deal with grief.

 

Many people, of both sexes, internalize pain. Then it lingers. Instead of being a sharp pain, it becomes an itchy sweater we can't take off...and everything becomes mildly uncomfortable.

 

Some let it out and get over it. My ex was like this. She cried for 4 days, then picked up and moved on.

 

I tend to cover it up, because if I talk about it when it's raw, things spill out. It's not so much about being strong or weak, as it is protecting myself FROM myself. I screwed that up this time around.

 

 

Do you know when the pain will finally go away?

[greenfairie]

Because she put me through enough ya know? I didn't feel it was fair for her to try and talk to me when I was trying to move on. I don't believe in friendships with an ex as feelings are always going to end up getting hurt. I guess what did it in was we were originally discussing getting back together and going on dates and then suddenly she started seeing someone I considered a friend. I was devastated, completely dumbfounded and honestly had no idea how to react to losing her as not just my girlfriend but my best friend for the last 5 years. I guess I felt I deserved more from someone who I went through so much with...

 

 

Yeah, that was one of my big mistakes too. I kept being friends with my ex while I was dating other people. I saw it as a chance to get out there and to grow, thats what you do. But he took it as something that would destory whatever we had. Thats why i dont believe in friendships with ex bfs.

[Never Again]

Do you know when the pain will finally go away?

 

It got better when I stopped having hope, which was a month and a half after the breakup.

 

It got better again when I had a good deal of NC, but I relapsed a bit when I saw her and she breadcrumbed me in person.

 

It's better again now that I've had another month of NC.

 

The pain lasts as long as you let it...plus a dash extra. I had to force myself to have no hope. I still think about her everyday, but less and less.

 

I imagine it'll take me a full year to be completely over it all, but most of the pain dissipated at around 3-5 months.

[Trick1004]

It's an individual reaction after the breakup irregardless of gender. I was a mess the first couple of months; couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was drinking pretty heavily.

 

I did unload everything I was feeling to my brother, a very close friend of mine, and my mom and dad. They were very understanding and supportive to me, but I tried to do my best to not keep beating a dead horse every time I saw them.

 

What happened to me during the breakup was some kind of self-preservation instinct kicked in when the ex said she wanted to keep living with me for the next month until our lease was up.

 

I knew I couldn't handle that and told her "no, you can move your stuff out while I'm at work." After that she still wanted to meet and talk for a few weeks while she was moving her stuff out.

 

A part of me wanted to agree real bad. Another part was f that she just broke your heart, why would you agree to see and talk to her in the emotional state your in? Luckily I went with the f that approach.

 

I guess for me I knew I would be in a world of hurt but it was something I had to get through on my own, I had plenty of opportunities to connect with the ex but that would just prolong my own healing process.

 

Five months out, feeling much better.

 

Trick

[greenfairie]

It got better when I stopped having hope, which was a month and a half after the breakup.

 

It got better again when I had a good deal of NC, but I relapsed a bit when I saw her and she breadcrumbed me in person.

 

It's better again now that I've had another month of NC.

 

The pain lasts as long as you let it...plus a dash extra. I had to force myself to have no hope. I still think about her everyday, but less and less.

 

I imagine it'll take me a full year to be completely over it all, but most of the pain dissipated at around 3-5 months.

 

 

Yeah, thanks for sharing. It's a roller coaster going through a healing process. I still think about my ex every day too. Does that happen for everyone or does not everyone think about their ex every day?

[greenfairie]

It's an individual reaction after the breakup irregardless of gender. I was a mess the first couple of months; couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was drinking pretty heavily.

 

I did unload everything I was feeling to my brother, a very close friend of mine, and my mom and dad. They were very understanding and supportive to me, but I tried to do my best to not keep beating a dead horse every time I saw them.

 

What happened to me during the breakup was some kind of self-preservation instinct kicked in when the ex said she wanted to keep living with me for the next month until our lease was up.

 

I knew I couldn't handle that and told her "no, you can move your stuff out while I'm at work." After that she still wanted to meet and talk for a few weeks while she was moving her stuff out.

 

A part of me wanted to agree real bad. Another part was f that she just broke your heart, why would you agree to see and talk to her in the emotional state your in? Luckily I went with the f that approach.

 

I guess for me I knew I would be in a world of hurt but it was something I had to get through on my own, I had plenty of opportunities to connect with the ex but that would just prolong my own healing process.

 

Five months out, feeling much better.

 

Trick

 

Yeah, I'm glad you did the right thing by moving out. I could not imagine having to see my ex every day even after the breakup. Hurts too much. Told my ex I could not stand to be around him because it hurts too much but he still continues to leave breadcrumbs by inviting me out and sending happy ___ texts.

[greenfairie]

I wonder if the guys who get dumped, would they always feel bitter towards the girls who dumped him?

 

Or would they eventually get over it?

 

Does that reason help them move on easier or does it not matter what reason you breakup, does it hurt just as much?

[SherryEast]

I feel like with women being the dumper (my case) she's like, okay, done, whew thats it...then shes over it.

 

I'm left confused, wondering why, how could she be over me this fast, did I mean anything to her. I, as the dumpee, have talked to many people...family, friends, therapists, a person here that is going through the same thing via PM. I think guys take it worse, especially if they're the dumpee...but maybe thats my opinion because thats all i've really ever known.

 

As a woman who did the dumping, it was HELL on me, too. I had the wildest crush on a man who pursued me but sadly due to us being so far apart, and him realizing he could relocate, it was just the only choice. It hurt a lot, and I cried every morning for a month. We are friends now, but it's not easy. I don't see why people think if you walked away somehow it doesn't hurt. It does.

[mtnbiker3000]

I wonder if the guys who get dumped, would they always feel bitter towards the girls who dumped him?

 

Or would they eventually get over it?

 

Does that reason help them move on easier or does it not matter what reason you breakup, does it hurt just as much?

 

You keep trying to make generalizations. Why? To help you understand what happened / is happening to you? If you are seeking understanding for closure, forget about it. You can only get closure from yourself. Stop trying to get inside other peoples minds. Get inside your own.

[carhill]

I wonder if the guys who get dumped, would they always feel bitter towards the girls who dumped him?

 

Depends upon the man; I've seen a myriad of responses over the decades, and have known some men long enough to experience their superficial (meaning communicated in 'man speak') responses change. So far, mine hasn't, regarding any girl who 'dumped' me, although I do note more vacillation in that area with my exW. Perhaps marriage and divorce are a bit different than getting dumped, IDK.

 

Or would they eventually get over it?

IME, most do 'get over it'. Time and extent vary by person. Hard to know details for sure, as anecdotes, since males in my demographic tend not to share much in the way of their 'stuff' in this area.

 

Does that reason help them move on easier or does it not matter what reason you breakup, does it hurt just as much?

 

When I was younger, reasons appeared to matter more. As more life occurred and the 'reasons' piled up, along with the endings of various relationships, it became more of 'OK, we're done, get through it and move on'. The usual and sundry, from a lifetime of experience, reasons were applied and life went on. Also, as a function of life and changing viewpoints about important factors in it, I can now look back on some very painful periods (relevant to this subject) and laugh about the absurdity of my focus on those periods; the dwelling on the pain. In the big scheme of life, it was nothing.

[greenfairie]

You keep trying to make generalizations. Why? To help you understand what happened / is happening to you? If you are seeking understanding for closure, forget about it. You can only get closure from yourself. Stop trying to get inside other peoples minds. Get inside your own.

 

Isn't this what the forum is for? For people to ask about things they don't understand? Not to be pushed away or to be insulted.

Thanks for the compassion.

[greenfairie]

Depends upon the man; I've seen a myriad of responses over the decades, and have known some men long enough to experience their superficial (meaning communicated in 'man speak') responses change. So far, mine hasn't, regarding any girl who 'dumped' me, although I do note more vacillation in that area with my exW. Perhaps marriage and divorce are a bit different than getting dumped, IDK.

 

IME, most do 'get over it'. Time and extent vary by person. Hard to know details for sure, as anecdotes, since males in my demographic tend not to share much in the way of their 'stuff' in this area.

 

 

 

When I was younger, reasons appeared to matter more. As more life occurred and the 'reasons' piled up, along with the endings of various relationships, it became more of 'OK, we're done, get through it and move on'. The usual and sundry, from a lifetime of experience, reasons were applied and life went on. Also, as a function of life and changing viewpoints about important factors in it, I can now look back on some very painful periods (relevant to this subject) and laugh about the absurdity of my focus on those periods; the dwelling on the pain. In the big scheme of life, it was nothing.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your input. It helps give me better understanding of what's going on. That makes a loot of sense. It sounds like you got a lot of experience under your belt. I'm still young so I think the older I get and the more experience I get, this will all be so small to me compared to whatever I might go through later on.

[mtnbiker3000]

Not to be pushed away or to be insulted.

Thanks for the compassion.

 

 

Show me where either of those two things happened... I simply and honestly responded to your questions. If you don't like my answer, that's fine. No need to get defensive.

 

And do you want compassion or guidance / advice? I think the latter will help you more...

[ponchsox]

Like crap. It sucks when you love someone and they decide to end it. I felt hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, lonely, you name it. Guys tend to bottle up their emotions inside. Working out helped a lot.