How do guys feel after breakups?

[greenfairie]

I”ve read a while back something that said: a man will suffer less, but when he will, it will be more intense than ever, the pain of a man can”t be mesured because is pure.

 

Dunno what to say about the whole deal, i think men heal slower than a woman.

 

I for instance, i am ... and just realised this now, a month, exactly a month since it ended and i can feel that time helped me. I went NC, but without ignoring or blocking her.

 

In the past i did the NC all the way, but i felt that somehow by doing that i let the other person know how i miss her and so on. This time i decided to go NC without blocking her and use that as a motivation for me to grow and prove her i am fine without her. Yeah, is hard, but for the moment, i feel i can really do it, maybe in time i won”t care anymore.

 

Is hard to cope in these moments, but you need to speak your heart and mind out and weirdly enough, the people that are here, on this forum, can help you more than anyone in the real life, because everyone here was even once in the shoes that you are. Was or is. People heal people.

 

 

I agree with you. This forum has helped me so much in ways that people in real life can't. But there are some people in real life that do help me… I just hate to burden them with the nonstop wondering and questions about whats going on with my feelings related to the breakup just because so much time has passéd that I feel like its not relevant to talk about anymore… but I can't keep it all in, thats gonna drive me ****ing crazy…

 

I had to block my ex then I thought about it, i didn't want him to notice that I blocked him just because I had a hard time seeing his name…I didn't want to stroke his ego, so i just decided to leave it all be. It has helped me grow a lot in the mean time…. Its hard to cope sometimes because I think I lack coping mechanisms but I know its for the best to keep NC going…

 

How come you think men heal slower than women? I want to understand more of that.

[greenfairie]

Out of curiosity, did you say or do anything to him about this as it was happening, or did you just let it happen?

 

 

Hm… what do you mean? Like in a malicious way? No way. We kept in touch quite often. It was hard because I'd be dating other people and I wasn't the type of ex girlfriend to rub the specifics in his face because I still loved him and didn't wanna push him away. I did tell him that I was seeing other people. So…I don't know. Communication with the two of us really sucked.

[John Grogan]

I agree with you. This forum has helped me so much in ways that people in real life can't. But there are some people in real life that do help me… I just hate to burden them with the nonstop wondering and questions about whats going on with my feelings related to the breakup just because so much time has passéd that I feel like its not relevant to talk about anymore… but I can't keep it all in, thats gonna drive me ****ing crazy…

 

I had to block my ex then I thought about it, i didn't want him to notice that I blocked him just because I had a hard time seeing his name…I didn't want to stroke his ego, so i just decided to leave it all be. It has helped me grow a lot in the mean time…. Its hard to cope sometimes because I think I lack coping mechanisms but I know its for the best to keep NC going…

 

How come you think men heal slower than women? I want to understand more of that.

 

I think there are two ways of getting through a situation like this:

 

1) The best way to be happy with someone is to learn to be happy alone, then the company of someone will be the mather of choice, not necesitty.

 

2) The best way to forget is for the next person to come and to heal you.

 

I think we all suffer because of the disappointment we were put in, because we would had expected **** to happen, but not from that person. When you suffer, you miss the familiarity, you miss the texts, the call, the nice words she/him told you, the moments you shared, but somewhere along the way, you can really hear your mind and reason speaking for the first time in ages and it tells you: hey, we gonna pull through, i know is hard, but on the long term it will be better for you. You deserve only that person who will give everything in the same amount you will. It”s hard, but not impossible. The only thing that can”t be forgotten is the sadness.

 

Regarding of why male heal and suffer more. Well, you have a pure example here on this site. We live in a world where men are presented as selfish pricks, but then you log here and see how a real man really embraces and suffers in the name of love. How pure and hard his love is and so on. It is a great examplew why his love was pure. You see men wearing mask in the society we all live, but then you come here and then you see the naked truth of how much we need love in our life.

 

I think a man will never forget a depression in love and somewhere, he will have a scar even when he will be old.

 

Have a look at the movie: 5 centimeters per second. Even if it is an animation, you will see what a man feels even after 20 years.

[RDawg]

@greenfairy - what pfenixfire was asking you is this: did you speak to your bf to let him know that you were falling out of love? did you warn him or did you just let it happen? you should have spoken to him and really let him know so that at least he had a chance to rectify things.

[Never Again]

@greenfairy - what pfenixfire was asking you is this: did you speak to your bf to let him know that you were falling out of love? did you warn him or did you just let it happen? you should have spoken to him and really let him know so that at least he had a chance to rectify things.

 

Yup, that's exactly what I was asking.

 

If you felt he wasn't appreciating you as much or considering your feelings...did you attempt to course correct him?

 

Did you let him know your feelings were fading and that you felt he was changing, or did you just let it all slip away?

[greenfairie]

Yup, that's exactly what I was asking.

 

If you felt he wasn't appreciating you as much or considering your feelings...did you attempt to course correct him?

 

Did you let him know your feelings were fading and that you felt he was changing, or did you just let it all slip away?

 

I get it now. Yes, I did let him know… I do have a quiet voice and have a hard time speaking up what I want to express at times. I remember having convos about how hard this was but how much we loved each other and wanted to stay… He felt the same but didn't want to end things with me yet. We were on the same page right up until I was serious about ending things. I did it over a text, how dumb. But we still kept hanging out afterwards like we didn't break up, he had to ask several times until I had to speak up and say yes, it's over. When I type all of this out, it just sounds weird. Communication just got lost, I guess.

[bobby326]

I think there are two ways of getting through a situation like this:

 

1) The best way to be happy with someone is to learn to be happy alone, then the company of someone will be the mather of choice, not necesitty.

 

2) The best way to forget is for the next person to come and to heal you.

 

I think we all suffer because of the disappointment we were put in, because we would had expected **** to happen, but not from that person. When you suffer, you miss the familiarity, you miss the texts, the call, the nice words she/him told you, the moments you shared, but somewhere along the way, you can really hear your mind and reason speaking for the first time in ages and it tells you: hey, we gonna pull through, i know is hard, but on the long term it will be better for you. You deserve only that person who will give everything in the same amount you will. It”s hard, but not impossible. The only thing that can”t be forgotten is the sadness.

 

Regarding of why male heal and suffer more. Well, you have a pure example here on this site. We live in a world where men are presented as selfish pricks, but then you log here and see how a real man really embraces and suffers in the name of love. How pure and hard his love is and so on. It is a great examplew why his love was pure. You see men wearing mask in the society we all live, but then you come here and then you see the naked truth of how much we need love in our life.

 

I think a man will never forget a depression in love and somewhere, he will have a scar even when he will be old.

 

Have a look at the movie: 5 centimeters per second. Even if it is an animation, you will see what a man feels even after 20 years.

 

I completely agree with this, if my ex had any idea how much I was torn up by this I think she would be shocked. I did not express my feelings as much as I should have when we were dating, I was cold and blunt a lot of the time when she was upset or when I would have issues. I guess I did it to try and be strong. I am actually a very emotional person, I care A LOT about my friends, family and someone I am committed to in a relationship. I have NEVER cheated on ANY gf I have ever had and I have been in several serious long term relationships. I am not perfect though by any means and have many issues that I need to work on, the most important is my negativity and my ability to get bored with things and take people/things for granted.

 

This break up has really woke me up, I think in the long run it will be good for me. Like you said, if people come to this site, they will see that men suffer just as much if not more than women from heartbreak, I have never felt such pain in my entire life, NOTHING comes close to how much this has messed me up. I hope, and I think this will make me stronger. Bottom line, men respond in very similar ways than women and if they don't they are lieing or they simply didn't care in the first place.

[greenfairie]

I completely agree with this, if my ex had any idea how much I was torn up by this I think she would be shocked. I did not express my feelings as much as I should have when we were dating, I was cold and blunt a lot of the time when she was upset or when I would have issues. I guess I did it to try and be strong. I am actually a very emotional person, I care A LOT about my friends, family and someone I am committed to in a relationship. I have NEVER cheated on ANY gf I have ever had and I have been in several serious long term relationships. I am not perfect though by any means and have many issues that I need to work on, the most important is my negativity and my ability to get bored with things and take people/things for granted.

 

This break up has really woke me up, I think in the long run it will be good for me. Like you said, if people come to this site, they will see that men suffer just as much if not more than women from heartbreak, I have never felt such pain in my entire life, NOTHING comes close to how much this has messed me up. I hope, and I think this will make me stronger. Bottom line, men respond in very similar ways than women and if they don't they are lieing or they simply didn't care in the first place.

 

 

What do you mean the break up really woke you up? I'm trying to understand that a little bit more.

 

 

I honestly did not realize how much guys would be in pain until I came across this thread. It's eye-opening to see, because I don't see that in real life. I mean, my ex boyfriend comes across as strong and happy. He doesn't ever budge though. His brother is in the army and his father passed away. He's a mama's boy though. I'd expect him to show some emotions.

[KenSteel]

I literally broke up with my girlfriend of two years yesterday because I'm about to move for work. I decided she's not the girl I'm going to marry and I shouldn't move her with me and lead her on. Either ways, it's tough on guys too. We cope in our own way and tend to internalize. I would never tell my friend I'm sad about it. That would be perceived as weak. Instead as others have said we tend to distract ourselves through stuff like work and lifting weights, or as I am currently doing drinking alone! Just cause he doesn't show that he's hurting doesn't mean he is not.

[Never Again]

I get it now. Yes, I did let him know… I do have a quiet voice and have a hard time speaking up what I want to express at times. I remember having convos about how hard this was but how much we loved each other and wanted to stay… He felt the same but didn't want to end things with me yet. We were on the same page right up until I was serious about ending things. I did it over a text, how dumb. But we still kept hanging out afterwards like we didn't break up, he had to ask several times until I had to speak up and say yes, it's over. When I type all of this out, it just sounds weird. Communication just got lost, I guess.

 

Lack of effective communication plays a big role in things like this. If you can't be assertive and speak to your needs, your feelings will go unrecognized.

 

Many men are oblivious. I know I am. I always tried to do what was "right" for my ex, but that meant I wasn't considering how I was making her feel. I was so worried about HER and her career that I forgot about US and the bond she and I shared. She never stood up to me to tell me I was hurting or frustrating her. She never told me she was bored, lonely or neglected. In the end, I don't know how I made her feel...except that fell out of love with me. The attraction just faded away.

 

I held myself together at the breakup and was just disappointed, but when it hit me over the next few days...holy crap. I couldn't sleep or concentrate. I hardly ate. I was already having anxiety attacks because of loads of other nasty sh*t (pretty sure the effects of those helped lead to the breakup) and the became WAY worse. She asked to meet 4 days after, and I shed more tears over her than I did at my grandfather's funeral.

 

I was completely undone for a month.

 

A month where nothing brought me the slightest bit of joy except the rare breadcrumb she dropped...back when I was too foolish to resist them, and they only made the problem worse.

 

A month of wasted plans - of an elaborately planned anniversary, my birthday and the biggest day of her life so far.

 

If a guy takes the relationship seriously, then the breakup ruins him. He won't always show it, but that often means he hasn't coped properly.

[bedelgeuse]

If a guy takes the relationship seriously, then the breakup ruins him.

 

Ha! So true.

[greenfairie]

I literally broke up with my girlfriend of two years yesterday because I'm about to move for work. I decided she's not the girl I'm going to marry and I shouldn't move her with me and lead her on. Either ways, it's tough on guys too. We cope in our own way and tend to internalize. I would never tell my friend I'm sad about it. That would be perceived as weak. Instead as others have said we tend to distract ourselves through stuff like work and lifting weights, or as I am currently doing drinking alone! Just cause he doesn't show that he's hurting doesn't mean he is not.

 

I'm so sorry about your breakup. Yeah, you're right. I mean, one time I saw a guy cry in public and I thought that was weird. It was so bizarre for me to see a guy cry in public because Ive never seen it happen. But now I know he's hurting and its not like he's a weak feminine person.

[greenfairie]

Lack of effective communication plays a big role in things like this. If you can't be assertive and speak to your needs, your feelings will go unrecognized.

 

Many men are oblivious. I know I am. I always tried to do what was "right" for my ex, but that meant I wasn't considering how I was making her feel. I was so worried about HER and her career that I forgot about US and the bond she and I shared. She never stood up to me to tell me I was hurting or frustrating her. She never told me she was bored, lonely or neglected. In the end, I don't know how I made her feel...except that fell out of love with me. The attraction just faded away.

 

I held myself together at the breakup and was just disappointed, but when it hit me over the next few days...holy crap. I couldn't sleep or concentrate. I hardly ate. I was already having anxiety attacks because of loads of other nasty sh*t (pretty sure the effects of those helped lead to the breakup) and the became WAY worse. She asked to meet 4 days after, and I shed more tears over her than I did at my grandfather's funeral.

 

I was completely undone for a month.

 

A month where nothing brought me the slightest bit of joy except the rare breadcrumb she dropped...back when I was too foolish to resist them, and they only made the problem worse.

 

A month of wasted plans - of an elaborately planned anniversary, my birthday and the biggest day of her life so far.

 

If a guy takes the relationship seriously, then the breakup ruins him. He won't always show it, but that often means he hasn't coped properly.

 

Wow, that's intense. How long ago did this happen and how long were you guys together? I can relate to you on how it feels to waste all that time, just planning future events together because you feel like you belong together. Its a ****ty feeling, I know. I hope you've gone NC and stay strong! I'm about six months NC and healing more and more each day!

[greenfairie]

I'm wondering if guy who just got dumped by his ex girlfriend starts smoking marijuana 24/7, starts dating his ex's childhood friend… Is that a cure-it-all to make guys feel better?

[John Grogan]

I'm wondering if guy who just got dumped by his ex girlfriend starts smoking marijuana 24/7, starts dating his ex's childhood friend… Is that a cure-it-all to make guys feel better?

 

You need to understand this, when a man is in love, but the relashionship is at the end from her point of view, that man won`t be in his right state of mind. He will prepare to lose it all, to give all away, to move to freaking Zimbabwe and dance the Macarena naked, if she asked him to do that.

 

In the last part of the relashionship when you feel you loose her and at the start of the breakup, a man will be down on his knees. He will cry, he will barely eat, anxiety. The only moment when he will be happy is when he will fall asleep because at that time, he wouldn`t think and feel the pain that he has.

 

He will be so vulnerable and try to everything in his power to make her come back. HE WILL BLAME ONLY HIMSELF FOR THIS, she will still be on a pedestral.

 

Then, from that point, after a couple of days, from that moment you will go on two ways, always two ways.

 

1) The marijuana, drinking, etc part, where you will be filled with depression and little by little, lose it all.

2) The motivation road, where all the hate you feel, all the pain will be invested in something productive. At the start, you will do that in the hope of bringing her back, then, just then, you will realize that she didn`t worth that much, she hurted you in so many ways that you will realise how foolish you were.

 

Sure, you can sleep around, but it depends on the person. I did it in the first month of NC and felt like crap afterwards.

 

I had a motto that i broke and lead me to this situation where i stand at the moment. My motto was: "Never get back together with a person that broke you, because she will do it again.".

 

All that said, yes, men suffer more than women. But don"t think that is strange, we live in this society. But we are men and we have to, we have to smile because what would a woman prefer? A broked hearted man, a man that can`t be moved, if i quote the Script, or a confident male? The answer is simple, that is why you see and think men are like that.

 

We are not. We love and we suffer so intense because that is the moment we put that goddamn mask down and allow ourselves to cry our heart out.

[Never Again]

Wow, that's intense. How long ago did this happen and how long were you guys together? I can relate to you on how it feels to waste all that time, just planning future events together because you feel like you belong together. Its a ****ty feeling, I know. I hope you've gone NC and stay strong! I'm about six months NC and healing more and more each day!

 

To be fair, I had a lot going on at the time...a lot that piled up on me, stressed me out, and probably killed any attraction my ex had for me. Not only did that make me feel like the breakup was completely my fault, but it brought all the other stress I was trying to deal with to the surface.

 

This happened 5.5 months ago and we were together just under a year. It was a short relationship all things considered, but we got very close very quickly...probably too quickly.

 

I've been in NC for 1.5 months now - NC was very difficult for me because not only did I want her back, but I had to be in a wedding party with her 4 months post-BU. The wedding was for the mutual friend that set us up - and my ex really screwed with my head when we were there.

[skydiveaddict]

Do they share with their guy friends or just keep it to themselves? Dont they ever get upset in any way? Why are some guys so closed up and acting carefree about feelings on their breakups even if it was a super significant break up?

 

Yes we do.. That was the arguably the worst experience of my life.

[bobby326]

What do you mean the break up really woke you up? I'm trying to understand that a little bit more.

 

 

I honestly did not realize how much guys would be in pain until I came across this thread. It's eye-opening to see, because I don't see that in real life. I mean, my ex boyfriend comes across as strong and happy. He doesn't ever budge though. His brother is in the army and his father passed away. He's a mama's boy though. I'd expect him to show some emotions.

 

I mean it woke me up in the sense that I need to stop being so hard headed and cold about things when that is not really how I feel. I've been much more in touch with my emotions lately and before I was so caught up in trying to perfect my career and build a life with her that was perfect that I forgot what really matters and that is the time we shares together and the most important is to have fun.

 

She has many issues though that I know are incompatible, she was very immature, never took responsibility for her actions or mistakes, instead she would make excuses. That is why she dropped out of college, lives with her parents again (we lived together) and is broke, she does not realize that the way she lives requires others to pick up her slack, she will realize this one day, I should have backed off and let her figure it out herself but instead I tried to help her and pushed too hard a lot of the time.

 

I woke up, I see life differently now, we truly don't have much time here, I need to enjoy every moment and see the good in everything. If your happy everyday then you just extended your life in my opinion. That's what I'm trying to do.

[greenfairie]

You need to understand this, when a man is in love, but the relashionship is at the end from her point of view, that man won`t be in his right state of mind. He will prepare to lose it all, to give all away, to move to freaking Zimbabwe and dance the Macarena naked, if she asked him to do that.

 

In the last part of the relashionship when you feel you loose her and at the start of the breakup, a man will be down on his knees. He will cry, he will barely eat, anxiety. The only moment when he will be happy is when he will fall asleep because at that time, he wouldn`t think and feel the pain that he has.

 

He will be so vulnerable and try to everything in his power to make her come back. HE WILL BLAME ONLY HIMSELF FOR THIS, she will still be on a pedestral.

 

Then, from that point, after a couple of days, from that moment you will go on two ways, always two ways.

 

1) The marijuana, drinking, etc part, where you will be filled with depression and little by little, lose it all.

2) The motivation road, where all the hate you feel, all the pain will be invested in something productive. At the start, you will do that in the hope of bringing her back, then, just then, you will realize that she didn`t worth that much, she hurted you in so many ways that you will realise how foolish you were.

 

Sure, you can sleep around, but it depends on the person. I did it in the first month of NC and felt like crap afterwards.

 

I had a motto that i broke and lead me to this situation where i stand at the moment. My motto was: "Never get back together with a person that broke you, because she will do it again.".

 

All that said, yes, men suffer more than women. But don"t think that is strange, we live in this society. But we are men and we have to, we have to smile because what would a woman prefer? A broked hearted man, a man that can`t be moved, if i quote the Script, or a confident male? The answer is simple, that is why you see and think men are like that.

 

We are not. We love and we suffer so intense because that is the moment we put that goddamn mask down and allow ourselves to cry our heart out.

 

 

That makes so much sense. I'd much prefer a confident man. I was just thinking about this one time I saw a young man break out sobbing on the beach after parting ways with this older lady. I was SO puzzled at WHY he was crying so hard like that in public, then I looked at myself, like WHY are you judging a man that has emotions just like women? I've never thought of it like that UNTIL that happened.

 

 

I'd love to be in a relationship with a man that passionately loves, cries once here and there.. It's probably terrible to say but it makes me feel good to see them open up a little bit just by crying.

[greenfairie]

To be fair, I had a lot going on at the time...a lot that piled up on me, stressed me out, and probably killed any attraction my ex had for me. Not only did that make me feel like the breakup was completely my fault, but it brought all the other stress I was trying to deal with to the surface.

 

This happened 5.5 months ago and we were together just under a year. It was a short relationship all things considered, but we got very close very quickly...probably too quickly.

 

I've been in NC for 1.5 months now - NC was very difficult for me because not only did I want her back, but I had to be in a wedding party with her 4 months post-BU. The wedding was for the mutual friend that set us up - and my ex really screwed with my head when we were there.

 

Yuck. I hate when you get setbacks in the NC process. It sucks. Hopefully you've recovered since the wedding day!

[John Grogan]

That makes so much sense. I'd much prefer a confident man. I was just thinking about this one time I saw a young man break out sobbing on the beach after parting ways with this older lady. I was SO puzzled at WHY he was crying so hard like that in public, then I looked at myself, like WHY are you judging a man that has emotions just like women? I've never thought of it like that UNTIL that happened.

 

 

I'd love to be in a relationship with a man that passionately loves, cries once here and there.. It's probably terrible to say but it makes me feel good to see them open up a little bit just by crying.

 

There are and same as goes with women. They are, but they hide because of the pain they felt in the past.

 

Is hard, impossible to survive if this keeps happening. But again, they are there and if they saw how wonderful you are and how genuine you are, at some point they will show you what you want to feel and see.

[Never Again]

That makes so much sense. I'd much prefer a confident man. I was just thinking about this one time I saw a young man break out sobbing on the beach after parting ways with this older lady. I was SO puzzled at WHY he was crying so hard like that in public, then I looked at myself, like WHY are you judging a man that has emotions just like women? I've never thought of it like that UNTIL that happened.

 

 

I'd love to be in a relationship with a man that passionately loves, cries once here and there.. It's probably terrible to say but it makes me feel good to see them open up a little bit just by crying.

 

It's beaten into men that showing too much emotion (especially negative emotion) is unmanly, unattractive and a big taboo.

 

Men are basically TOLD that we need to be emotionally unavailable for a woman to remain attracted to us.

 

Yuck. I hate when you get setbacks in the NC process. It sucks. Hopefully you've recovered since the wedding day!

 

It sucked big time, but that's because she showed signs of interest...then just vanished again. Feels like she put in effort until she knew she had me on the hook again, then decided she wasn't interested anymore.

 

I've mostly recovered since, but it really screwed with me even though I tried to keep my distance. I had those feelings of being twisted up, confused, hurt, rejected all over all...and felt like the breakup was all my fault for the upteenth time.

 

I already knew NC was the way to go, and that just hammered it in further.

[greenfairie]

It's beaten into men that showing too much emotion (especially negative emotion) is unmanly, unattractive and a big taboo.

 

Men are basically TOLD that we need to be emotionally unavailable for a woman to remain attracted to us.

 

 

 

It sucked big time, but that's because she showed signs of interest...then just vanished again. Feels like she put in effort until she knew she had me on the hook again, then decided she wasn't interested anymore.

 

I've mostly recovered since, but it really screwed with me even though I tried to keep my distance. I had those feelings of being twisted up, confused, hurt, rejected all over all...and felt like the breakup was all my fault for the upteenth time.

 

I already knew NC was the way to go, and that just hammered it in further.

 

 

That makes sense. I get why guys don't really cry and when they do, I get all uncomfortable like Im not sure what to say. I didn't realize that they are similar LIKE women.

 

How long ago did that happen?

 

I'm really sorry about that.

[RDawg]

like a luke warm puddle of dog vomit.

[Never Again]

That makes sense. I get why guys don't really cry and when they do, I get all uncomfortable like Im not sure what to say. I didn't realize that they are similar LIKE women.

 

How long ago did that happen?

 

I'm really sorry about that.

 

Apparently it's attractive for a man to have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.

 

The biggest problem is - there's only so long you can repress those kind of feelings before something comes unhinged.

 

And it happened mid-October. F*cked with me big time for awhile, but I've been a lot better because I've been sticking to NC since.

 

Honestly, as much as I'll throw around phrasing that makes like it seem like she acted inappropriately, she did nothing of the sort. Her behavior was pretty benign...I just wasn't in a place to handle it properly.