What BSs are thinking being long time Betrayed?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm wondering why their marriage is any of the OP's business now that the WH and BW are reconciling. It's kinda weird.

 

This is the thing really. And honestly it took a very long time for me to get there as well (for a number of reasons I won't go into right now).

 

The bottom line is it really doesn't matter. He chooses to stay, she chooses to stay - it doesn't matter if it's for the kids, lifestyle, or the fact that he maybe really has discovered that he almost threw everything away and he truly is in love with his wife. At the end of the day, he is there.

 

I have known marriages that have ended due to infidelity and those that have remained together afterwards - everyone's circumstances are different.

 

I can think of a few situations recently where there was an affair and the man actually left - when he made the decision, there wasn't anything stopping him - he left and it happened on strange occasions (one the day after their 25th wedding anniversary and she was completely shocked).

 

At this point, you have to let it go. It doesn't really matter WHY they are staying together - it is their business.

 

Focus on yourself - that is where your attention should be right now.

[Mount]

I am not confused between what I need to think about and what not to think about their marriage.

 

Right now, I am just saying from an outsider, not an ex-OW. Somehow I feel "amazed" that the MM's wife can pull off the facade of "happy family" right away when the 2nd D-day was just so recent. Of course no one knows what is behind close door, but the actions of entertaining family friends, vacation right away are really something. The wife or both of them must enjoy the compliments of their happy successful marraige just show how interesting their marriage is.

 

It is an eye opening experience for me, at least.

 

 

Mount, this is a key question you should answer.

 

You don't have any reason to honestly believe that she knows about ANY of his affairs. But you're focusing on why she doesn't do something about it. NON SEQUITER

 

She is still there because he's convinced her that he's trustworthy...which is a straight up lie.

 

YOU are there because he's NOT trustworthy...as evidenced by his affair with you.

 

Stop worrying about why she stays...start worrying about why YOU are still there!

[anne1707]

Of course no one knows what is behind close door, but the actions of entertaining family friends, vacation right away are really something. The wife or both of them must enjoy the compliments of their happy successful marraige just show how interesting their marriage is.

 

It is an eye opening experience for me, at least.

 

Or it could be that whilst the wife is feeling as if her life is falling apart and not knowing what to do next, she is forcing herself to continue with family obligations to give her some sense of normality or even just something to do to just help her get through the day. The point is that you have no idea what motivates her to act as she does. You do not know what she is really feeling.

[dreamingoftigers]

Or it could be that whilst the wife is feeling as if her life is falling apart and not knowing what to do next, she is forcing herself to continue with family obligations to give her some sense of normality or even just something to do to just help her get through the day. The point is that you have no idea what motivates her to act as she does. You do not know what she is really feeling.

 

The last person she's going to come apart in front of is OW.

 

Really. Her husband has been faking with both you and her for an extended amount of time, but it's her that you are surprised by?

 

Really?

[waterwoman]

Or it could be that whilst the wife is feeling as if her life is falling apart and not knowing what to do next, she is forcing herself to continue with family obligations to give her some sense of normality or even just something to do to just help her get through the day. The point is that you have no idea what motivates her to act as she does. You do not know what she is really feeling.

 

Quite. She could be on automatic pilot. She has to carry on as normal or she'd fall apart and she probably isn't the sort of person who would allow herself to do that. Just as reasonable an interpretation as any other.

[Owl]

The last person she's going to come apart in front of is OW.

 

Really. Her husband has been faking with both you and her for an extended amount of time, but it's her that you are surprised by?

 

Really?

 

Yeah...that's my reaction as well, DOT.

[nicepuzzle]

I agree part of it, but as I mentioned earlier, my gut strongly tells me it (her husband seeked outside affair) happened before a few times or many times already (unless I am imagining), so this is not second chance, could the 50th chance, you know what I mean?

 

My XMM wife keeps giving him chances and he keeps on cheating. She has never worked, not educated, he is a wealthy man and she is in there for her social status and money. Especially he never accepted any of this affairs and apologized to her. She keeps a strong watch on him and sit and home and wait for him while he travells and have girlfriends everywhere. For some BS woman, having a social status, mony etc is more important than self respect.

And a philanderer is more free knowing she wouldnt leave anyway.

 

When I told my Xmm that I am going to tell everythng to his wife he didnt bother to stop me and wouldnt worry about she knowing it.

 

I feel sorry for her.

[nicepuzzle]

I am not confused between what I need to think about and what not to think about their marriage.

 

Right now, I am just saying from an outsider, not an ex-OW. Somehow I feel "amazed" that the MM's wife can pull off the facade of "happy family" right away when the 2nd D-day was just so recent. Of course no one knows what is behind close door, but the actions of entertaining family friends, vacation right away are really something. The wife or both of them must enjoy the compliments of their happy successful marraige just show how interesting their marriage is.

 

It is an eye opening experience for me, at least.

 

Looks like we had the same MM.... Thier marriage is dysfunctional and she has no selfrespect. Stay away from them. Thats waht I did and his happy not to see that fake llife anymore.

[Owl]

My XMM wife keeps giving him chances and he keeps on cheating. She has never worked, not educated, he is a wealthy man and she is in there for her social status and money. Especially he never accepted any of this affairs and apologized to her. She keeps a strong watch on him and sit and home and wait for him while he travells and have girlfriends everywhere. For some BS woman, having a social status, mony etc is more important than self respect.

And a philanderer is more free knowing she wouldnt leave anyway.

 

When I told my Xmm that I am going to tell everythng to his wife he didnt bother to stop me and wouldnt worry about she knowing it.

 

I feel sorry for her.

 

There are some people like this.

 

They're not representative of the group, however.

 

Frankly, there's no value feeling sorry for someone who is right where they've chosen to be...OW/BS, etc...

 

IF she truly knows and doesn't enforce change in her life...that's her choice.

 

The question in the OP's original topic...to me...is whether or not the BW in that case truly knows. YOU TOLD your MM's BW...there's no question she knows. The OP didn't do this...but has the expectation that the OW 'should' know and should be doing something different.

[Mount]

The BS in my picture is well-educated, good job as well, but one thing for sure she wants to keep "happy family" facade all along.

 

So one trick for wife to keep long marriage - when you caught husband slept with lots of women at home marital bed -

 

Short marriage (divorce, which most people do)- is to change the husband

Long marriage - is to change the mattress and life goes on:p:p - that is the golden trick to have very long long marriage

 

Get it?

 

My XMM wife keeps giving him chances and he keeps on cheating. She has never worked, not educated, he is a wealthy man and she is in there for her social status and money. Especially he never accepted any of this affairs and apologized to her. She keeps a strong watch on him and sit and home and wait for him while he travells and have girlfriends everywhere. For some BS woman, having a social status, mony etc is more important than self respect.

And a philanderer is more free knowing she wouldnt leave anyway.

 

When I told my Xmm that I am going to tell everythng to his wife he didnt bother to stop me and wouldnt worry about she knowing it.

 

I feel sorry for her.

[Owl]

The BS in my picture is well-educated, good job as well, but one thing for sure she wants to keep "happy family" facade all along.

 

So one trick for wife to keep long marriage - when you caught husband slept with lots of women at home marital bed -

 

Short marriage (divorce, which most people do)- is to change the husband

Long marriage - is to change the mattress and life goes on:p:p - that is the golden trick to have very long long marriage

 

Get it?

 

Not all "long marriage" require a mattress change as you describe.

 

And again...in your situation...you feel like she should know, but she hasn't taken any action that you're aware of.

 

The baseline here is that you don't know what she does know, or suspects, at all. You don't know that he actually has cheated on her before.

 

And yet...you feel she should be doing something different.

 

Like what, exactly? What exactly is it that you feel she should do...that isn't exactly the same thing that you should be doing? If SHE should end the relationship because he's cheating...why should you have any more trust in him than she had? YOU are the only one with proof that he's cheating...and yet you stay. Why? Because he's not doing so 'against' you? How is that any different than the wife not ending a long term marriage because she SUSPECTS he may have cheated, but has no proof?

[ClemsonTigers]

Something to think about…

 

Is it more pathetic to be in a betrayed spouse in a pathetic marriage desperately trying to maintain appearances OR being the side-piece understudy that played a big part in making the marriage pathetic, aspiring for the position?

 

As far thinking MM had many affairs, you have no idea. As he was seducing you, I'm sure he had to play off like he was this worldly Don Juan that had had numerous or several liaisons. This made you feel better about being with a married man since he'd obviously been doing it for a number of years so either he wife was OK with it or she just didn't keep a proper eye on her man. This arrogance and faux confidence played well at the beginning and throughout the affair but in the end, now that you realize you got played, you can't believe his wife puts up with how truly awful you now believe him to be. Truth is…wayward husbands lie. You could be the first or one of thirty…you'll probably never know because you don't REALLY know him (or his wife) at all.

[rumbleseat]

I knew of one situation like this, but it was with a wife who was a serial cheater.

 

Her husband knew about it, but he'd been dealing with depression for a long time, and his wife was really abusive to him. She knew all the things to say to make him feel like nothing, like he could never get anyone better and that he somehow deserved to be treated like that. Their friends all saw it and tried to help, but the guy was mentally exhausted form battling the depression, putting up with her and trying to keep up a happy facade for tier kids that he just had zero energy left to stand up for himself.

 

When his wife was with other men, she'd act in a completely opposite way to them that she did to her husband. You would swear she wasn't the same person. She was one way in public, but with him, behind closed doors, she was a real b-witch.

 

Finally, he hit his breaking point. One day, with no warning, he called a lawyer, started the process of divorcing her, obtaining full custody of his kids ( she would come and go for weeks at a time, with no one knowing where she was) and getting child support from her.

 

Why he stayed so long, I'll never know. Some people can just get so beat down by life that they put up with terrible treatment.

[ClemsonTigers]

heaven help OW if she asks for an explanation

 

You were used and objectified by a weak man that wanted nothing more than to possess a new toy for his phallus.

 

What more explanation could you possibly need or want but it is interesting how this obessive search for an explanation feeds right into his/her/their desire to categorize the OW as bat shyte crazy.

 

I understand this letting go of this intense relationship is difficult but please have some self respect and just let it go. He was never yours. Any and all "explanations" belong to his wife and family.

Edited November 26, 2013 by ClemsonTigers

[thecharade]

He loves me.

No, he loves me.

I have his heart, his emotions!

Well, I have his children and take care of his home!

He's with me!

No, you idiot! He's with me!!!

 

Ick.

Betrayed men and OM never act like this.

We women are pathetic.

[krazikat]

Go on holiday and change the bed. Most people would change the locks!!

 

Haha yes, then gang up on the other woman and create some sort of cameraderie (that they never had before you arrived, )for being a bat shyte crazy then tell everyone OWwas stalking your MM and tell it enough times that you will believe it yourself. And heaven help OW if she asks for an explanation I think this is what happened

 

Yep. And this is all because of the BS! The OW had no idea MM could lie so convincingly....

 

Oh, wait...

 

I love how some ow want to blame the BS for everything yet cry foul if BS blames them for anything.

 

And despite what some ow want to believe, in many cases mm is still romancing his wife, too...including sex, gifts, trips, date night, etc. Also, many BS tell their WS to go be with their ow...yet WS begs to stay with the wife. MM may even tell ow the A is over and some ow may blame the bs for that, too. But its the BS who has no self respect.

 

Truly mind boggling.

[krazikat]

You see that is the blindness of SOME BS. They believe that we are sex victims, when actually I hardly had sex with him after nearly 6 years, we saw each other every day and talked all the time day and evenings no matter when i called he would speak to me. So I had no reason to believe anything else. It was not sex. It was a LTA, with intimacy. A second wife but with just me and totally me alone with him not other people there to cover the gaps. Explanation is actually wtf!! where was BS's head??? If i had not seen MM so often, I would have suspected what he said was not true. Or if she had just for once called me or looked. She didn't look at the evidence, even when I asked her the truth. All she wanted was for him to end it with me and she would forgive him TWICE. oh well. I never gave in to that. Good luck to the fake marriage and fake family. Some of us are honest about life some of us live in reality. Some obviously DON'T. Most Don't!!! But it happens

 

The BS doesn't owe you anything. Period. Pretty interesting how you say you had received no explanation yet you have all these answers!

[skywriter]

I don't believe anybody is blaming the BS. I think Mount is curious , maybe trying to understand. There will come a day when she just won't think about it as often.

 

She's not quite there yet. She will get there and become indifferent to all of this situation. In the meantime, she's on a discussion forum, asking a question, just like a lot of other posters are.

 

I did the same thing, didn't post it here, but I admit that I wondered as well. Then I considered what I was willing to put up with in my marriage as well.

 

Now I have a long time friend confiding in me, that her H of 20 yrs has been caught having what appears to be an emotional A. Instead of confronting her H. She is choosing to confront the woman he's suspecting of being involved with.

 

I don't get that, but, hey, it's her marriage. I just listen.

Edited November 27, 2013 by skywriter

[goodyblue]

Well, I certainly don't blame his ex for anything. Really, no matter what the state of their marriage, he made a decision. Neither he nor I like that we lowered ourselves to have an affair and our lives would have been easier if we hadn't. But, as things go, sometimes people get caught up in things.

 

I am not saying his wife, or he were perfect and their marriage was fine, it clearly wasn't. That Ilstill is not a reason to make the choice we did. I don't regret our relationship and we are very much in love, but I hate the hurt we caused. The divorce would have been very different if we hadn't had an affair, easier. But I don't know if he would have left if we weren't involved. He may have gone on forever living a zombie life. But that would have been his choice. And she would have been fine with it. Ger needs were being met. His were not. I can see why she would stay (and still is acting.crazy trying to get him back even after the D). She waffles between telling him he is horrible and that their M was fine and they should go to therapy and reconcile. He has hundreds of unanswered texts in his phone from her. It is sad and I.feel sorry for her.

[krazikat]

I don't believe anybody is blaming the BS. I think Mount is curious , maybe trying to understand. There will come a day when she just won't think about it as often.

 

She's not quite there yet. She will get there and become indifferent to all of this situation. In the meantime, she's on a discussion forum, asking a question, just like a lot of other posters are.

 

I did the same thing, didn't post it here, but I admit that I wondered as well. Then I considered what I was willing to put up with in my marriage as well.

 

Now I have a long time friend confiding in me, that her H of 20 yrs has been caught having what appears to be an emotional A. Instead of confronting her H. She is choosing to confront the woman he's suspecting of being involved with.

 

I don't get that, but, hey, it's her marriage. I just listen.

 

Many posters are not blaming BS...however the poster I was responding too seems to be focusing on the wrong corner of the triangle....I already responded to Mount several posts back...

 

I will agree that sometimes we all can do things that make others scratch their heads...and I never thought I would stay with a cheater...I never have before! When I was a teen I got pregnant by the man I was living with...but when I found out he cheated I was gone. There were no chances. A few years later, I discovered that my boyfriend I was living with cheated...I moved out right under his nose. He came to my job crying and begging. There were no chances, I was done.

 

When I discovered my h cheated, I reacted the same as in the past...by beginning to plan my exit. There was no question, I was getting a divorce.

 

But I ended up giving him another chance. Why? Too many reasons to list here as I am posting from my phone and would end up with a thumb cramp.

 

But I do have my reasons. And my h and I are very happy and in love today. I still feel some anger about the A, but I am glad I stayed.

[skywriter]

Many posters are not blaming BS...however the poster I was responding too seems to be focusing on the wrong corner of the triangle....I already responded to Mount several posts back...

 

I will agree that sometimes we all can do things that make others scratch their heads...and I never thought I would stay with a cheater...I never have before! When I was a teen I got pregnant by the man I was living with...but when I found out he cheated I was gone. There were no chances. A few years later, I discovered that my boyfriend I was living with cheated...I moved out right under his nose. He came to my job crying and begging. There were no chances, I was done.

 

When I discovered my h cheated, I reacted the same as in the past...by beginning to plan my exit. There was no question, I was getting a divorce.

 

But I ended up giving him another chance. Why? Too many reasons to list here as I am posting from my phone and would end up with a thumb cramp.

 

But I do have my reasons. And my h and I are very happy and in love today. I still feel some anger about the A, but I am glad I stayed.

 

....and Krazikat I understand where you're coming from. It's not great to be able to say that I,ve lived the life of the betrayed and been an OW, but I can see others position and why they feel as they do sometimes.

 

Hopefully Mount will wonder and move along, not giving this too much head space.When life goes on it can be pretty awesome when we get past bad choices and make room for healthy people wo truly have our best interest in mind.

 

Just like my girlfriend that confided in me recently. In some ways I do get that she just wants to keep her kids stable with two parents.

[Mount]

"Krazikat" responded the particular poster is "tristess", not me. I did initiate the post as I am just curious. But I did let it go, I know the MM loves himself only.

 

I did not believe all the mountain high love speech that he said to me, as his behavior tells more.

 

But tristess seems to believe MM's love, I don't.

 

....and Krazikat I understand where you're coming from. It's not great to be able to say that I,ve lived the life of the betrayed and been an OW, but I can see others position and why they feel as they do sometimes.

 

Hopefully Mount will wonder and move along, not giving this too much head space.When life goes on it can be pretty awesome when we get past bad choices and make room for healthy people wo truly have our best interest in mind.

 

Just like my girlfriend that confided in me recently. In some ways I do get that she just wants to keep her kids stable with two parents.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Mount

[krazikat]

Krazikat is happy in her belief and so is Tristess. Wonder who will be correct in the long term. No one knows. Probably neither.

 

My belief of what? That Tristess is blaming the wrong corner of the triangle? That the BS doesn't owe Tristess anything? Can you please clarify what you mean with this comment?

[krazikat]

MM is to blame, no one else.... everyone else is just a pawn in his game of chess. Your move KK. (Or not)

 

 

How is this statement answering my question?

[skywriter]

Sorry for the misunderstanding on my part Mount and Krazikat.

 

That's what happens when you are reading, tending to a three month old and preparing Thanksgiving food. LOL!

 

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it.

 

48 deviled eggs! Yikes!

Edited November 29, 2013 by skywriter