Borderline vs Avoidant aka: My bold self vs my frightened self

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I have stated a few times recently that my BPD symptoms have been drastically reducing. Both in intensity and frequency.

 

Some things that I'm experience less of or not at all anymore:

Boldness

Impulsiveness

Readiness to Argue

Readiness to Fight

Unreasonable Hostility

 

All seemingly bad, but they did allow me to go out and do things. Sure it was usually getting into trouble but at least I had hope of enjoying life some.

 

My AvPD is still here, strong as ever. I've had relief from it temporarily when I was on top of the world but those days are gone, for now.

 

AvPD symptoms I have more or the same of:

Shyness

Hesitation

Readiness to run from an argument

Readiness to run from a fight

Low Self-esteem

Fear

 

Now instead of feeling bold and impulsive enough to go out and do things despite my avoidant traits, I hide at home. To minimize the chance of conflict, I've removed myself from social interaction.

 

I guess I've always felt a sense of hurt and fear during conflict, but now I don't have the courage or will to fight. Especially since I might hurt someone I care about which puts me into a self-hatred shame/guilt spiral. I have a real fear of confrontation and the feelings that come with it. I don't have that piss & vinegar anymore to protect me.

 

Up to present it's been a trade-off. Less hostility for less living. Hide away from the world, afraid of too much.

 

Today, I did force myself to start a controversial topic, knowing that I'd have to defend my views. It didn't go perfectly but I did alright. Normally I would hide from getting into debate with strangers. I was absolutely terrified doing it but I managed to work through a moment where my hands were trembling and my head was spinning. It took some focus to keep my thoughts from straying into irrational territory.

 

I was in my 20s when the process started. By 30/31 I was hiding regularly.

 

I'm bringing up the type of therapy I want to start at my next psychiatrist visit so this will probably evolve over time.

 

Just something that crossed my mind about how I've been living for awhile. If I wasn't planning therapy, I'd be very sad if I thought it would be this way until I die.

 

Anyone experience anything remotely similar?

Edited November 15, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[Downtown]

I'm bringing up the type of therapy I want to start at my next psychiatrist visit so this will probably evolve over time.

Marcus, did you mean to say "psychologist"? If not, consider seeing a psychiatrist only for meds and seeing a psychologist for therapy. A psychologist also has the psychology PhD but will be half as expensive because you won't be paying for a medical degree on top of the psychology degree.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Marcus, did you mean to say "psychologist"? If not, consider seeing a psychiatrist only for meds and seeing a psychologist for therapy. A psychologist also has the psychology PhD but will be half as expensive because you won't be paying for a medical degree on top of the psychology degree.

 

No, I said it right. I see my psychiatrist on a regular basis. Have been seeing them for 15 years. I bring these issues up with him and he recommends medications or treatment. Like a referral.

 

I don't see any psychologists anymore because talk therapy is ineffective for what I have.

[Downtown]

I don't see any psychologists anymore because talk therapy is ineffective for what I have.

Yes, I understand that. But isn't the DBT therpay provided by a psychologist?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Yes, I understand that. But isn't the DBT therpay provided by a psychologist?

 

 

I'm sure it is, but I haven't even brought it up yet. When I get into the therapy, then I'll get involved with psychologist/s.

 

But as for regular talk therapists, I have wasted too much of my own time and taxpayer's money to bother. I need a specialist. My doc will have the resources to point me in the right direction. He's a good doc.