ollydolly Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 My boyfriend has been living with me for sixteen months or so. I adore him, love him, lust him, like him - but I've been kind of aware of an inner world that he has which doesn't allow him to go as deep as I seem to need. I've brought this up alot as an intimacy issue where we discuss things that I address, yet he never brings things up about our relationship. He has been very defensive about me calling him hidden. He has said again and again that he is not hiding from me. Last week, he was very stressed when I came home and said he needed to speak with me. I sat down and listened to him read me a letter. He confessed that he had an addiction to pornography and had been lying about it for a year. In a split second everything in our world made sense to me - the hiddeness and the depth that I knew he wasn't quite able to access. I have to admit, I was gutted. My ideals around sex and romantic love are very high. Don't get me wrong - by all means **** my brains out, but seduce me first! Nothing is more unromantic than a lover jacking off over porn slags. Imagine Romeo telling Juliette "not tonight fairest one, I prefereth to wanketh with a harlot in my not-so-grand imagination". What is interesting is that HE felt like a piece of **** in regard to porn. He knew the way of our love is in total contrast to the dirtiness of porn - and it was eating him up inside. He felt dirty, shameful, inferior to me, and a chameleon. My BF feels that porn use has held him back in life from being able to establish and enjoy profound intimacy with women, not to mention made a liar out of him. I am really glad I did not have to discover his addiction, but rather he had the courage to voluntarily tell me. Even so this has been hard for us, as I am really rocked by the effort that goes into the deceit. His obsession with porn started in childhood. He is now 38. He knocked it during the first four months of our relationship, believing that love with me had cured him, but as soon as stressful issues came up in our life, he went straight back to the comfort/guilt/self-disgust of porn wanking, then covered it up from me. I am amused at the sheer number of guys and girls who state (with superiority) that porn is totally harmless within the context of relationship. The question should be - is it romantic? Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Yea, I usually do this, if my partner is not interested in sex with me, I masturbate in bed with her while looking at her. That's the problem with having a penis. You need the release and you need to be looking at a woman while releasing. I once told a girl that if she didn't want to have sex with me that night, would she rather have me look at porn or look at her, and the choice was obvious since porn is borderline cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Max Zoom Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Max wants to answer ollydolly's question. Is it romantic to jerk off . Max says no it isn't. Here''s some other things lovers do with their bodies that aren't romantic either" taking a dump, wiping your butt, farting, peuking, picking your nose,. snoring and cleaning the wax out of your ears. Zillions of married male lovers live lives devoted to their wives/partners and still whack off evry day. And no harm done. Porn is only exciting because it's secret . Oh yeah, and some lovers slide long shiny chrome things up their urethra. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ollydolly Posted December 23, 2004 Author Share Posted December 23, 2004 I'm glad you told me that Virginiabob. One of those little things that made me question our intimacy was the fact that he couldn't masturbate for my visual pleasure. He has become so used to only doing that with porn. Since he revealed his issue with me (pardon the pun) he has been able to - and I ****ing love it! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 I'm just one massively lazy b*tch. I am just not very romantic. Never have been. Because of my past sexual experiences, and some traumatic BS I had to deal with growing up, romantic sex makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don't feel that I am superior for not giving a rat's ass about porn. It is an addiction for some, but not for everyone who indulges. Just like, not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, and not everyone who eats twinkies is addicted to food. Sex and sexuality are ubiquitous in our society. To claim that porn is the only thing that deadens the intimate expression of sexuality or sensuality in a relationship is kind of narrow-minded. Intimacy is eroded by a million things in everyday life, even work and having children. Hell, I remember getting into an argument with my exboyfriend because he found a porn in MY dvd player (hahahaha). I will probably end up putting this as my quote one day....addiction is caused by an inability to deal appropriately with reality. The addict seeks to distance himself/herself from a reality that they are incapable of coping with (because they never learned appropriate coping mechanisms) by repeatedly indulging in a behavior/substance in an inappropriate and uncontrolled manner. If the addict does not learn proper coping skills, they will simply transfer their addiction to other, more socially appropriate substances/behaviors, and/or they will hide their behaviors more carefully and become more secretive. This is true when treating depression, anxiety disorders, or addiction problems. They need to learn healthier, more appropriate coping skills with the help of an objective professional. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by ollydolly I am amused at the sheer number of guys and girls who state that porn is totally harmless within the context of relationship. The question should be - is it romantic? Thats because for some of us, it is totally harmless within the context of our relationship. It has never been a problem for me and the Mr. Then again, usage of porn does not affect our sexual or romantic life one iota. For us, it is a casual, private, masturbatory visual aid. Period. It sounds like your boyfriend has more of a problem with intimacy issues and pornography is a symptom of that, not the cause. If he understands that he has a problem, and he wants help with it - then don't compound his problems by attacking his addictions and his efforts to hide them: try to help him get help for himself. Yes, you have a right to be angry and hurt - and its totally understandable. What won't work, though is focusing that hurt and anger on him. He has an addiction. Attacking it, shaming it, or guilting it won't make it go away. It wouldn't hurt to talk to someone yourself - I expect you have a lot of unresolved anger and focusing it on your boyfriend will do nothing but add guilt to the problems he already has. Right now he doesn't need guilt or anger from you. He needs help. Find some therapists in his area and help him get an appointment - and you can be talking to someone yourself to help heal over the hurt that you have been put through over this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ollydolly Posted December 23, 2004 Author Share Posted December 23, 2004 Max-zoom. Interesting perspective equating erotic fullfillment to toilet habits. Yawn. Link to post Share on other sites
Max Zoom Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Olly. Max appreciates your feedback. Max also appreciates your sleepy sarcasm. He would be pleased to point out a wide range of websites that could present Olly with a more dramatic intro to scatological erotic fullfillment. Nothing like a visual aid. Bit messy though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ollydolly Posted December 23, 2004 Author Share Posted December 23, 2004 Tell me Max, do you need a visual aid to help you defecate? Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Good Heavens MaX! Must you bring that thing up again!?? I am glad that this has helped bring you and your guy closer, but not everyone who looks at porn is addicted. My first post on this site was in relation to my honey and porn. My problem was that I wanted to WATCH! We have a porn stash on his computer, a general file, and a file for each of us for our favorites. We also have pictures of US! Part of his christmas present is that I wrote stories to go with some of his favorite pictures and he loves it. (one is getting published YAY). We don't look at it often, and there is no guilt when we do. Some people have serious addictions to this mess, and an addiction to anything is a sad existance. And while my honey whacking off to porn may not be romantic, it can sure as hell be HOT! Long as I get to watch ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author ollydolly Posted December 24, 2004 Author Share Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia It sounds like your boyfriend has more of a problem with intimacy issues and pornography is a symptom of that, not the cause. If he understands that he has a problem, and he wants help with it - then don't compound his problems by attacking his addictions and his efforts to hide them: try to help him get help for himself. Yes, you have a right to be angry and hurt - and its totally understandable. What won't work, though is focusing that hurt and anger on him. He has an addiction. Attacking it, shaming it, or guilting it won't make it go away. Thanks for your understanding. Wouldn't dream of adding to his guilt or attacking him. You are correct in saying that porn is a result of problems with intimacy in this case - and he had his first therapeutic session with a sex-counsellor this morning. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 And while my honey whacking off to porn may not be romantic, it can sure as hell be HOT! Long as I get to watch ;-) I gotta echo that sentiment. Sometimes you don't need romantic. Oh yeah, and some lovers slide long shiny chrome things up their urethra. Others use long shiny glass things like swizzle sticks. It's fascinating how different folks have different nerve endings that respond so very....differently! Good luck with your fellow, olly! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ollydolly Posted December 24, 2004 Author Share Posted December 24, 2004 Blind-otter. Nothing is hotter than romantic sex! Perhaps a definition of romance is required here. In art, Romanticism depicts the prinicple that man posesses the faculty of volition/choice. In love, romanticism depicts what CAN EXIST between two people, not just what already is. Romance was a crusade to glorify the existence of man and lift him higher. Sexuality was fundamental to this because sex hits hard at the core of the ego - as we all feel when we go hard at it. What we want to **** reflects the content of what drives us. A sexual partner should reflect us accurately But if we prefer the gutter...? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Originally posted by ollydolly Blind-otter. Nothing is hotter than romantic sex! Perhaps a definition of romance is required here. In art, Romanticism depicts the prinicple that man posesses the faculty of volition/choice. In love, romanticism depicts what CAN EXIST between two people, not just what already is. Romance was a crusade to glorify the existence of man and lift him higher. Sexuality was fundamental to this because sex hits hard at the core of the ego - as we all feel when we go hard at it. What we want to **** reflects the content of what drives us. A sexual partner should reflect us accurately But if we prefer the gutter...? Yeah, sure. I don't feel comfortable with romantic sex because i was molested when I was 4, raped when I was 12 and again when I was 19. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ollydolly Posted January 3, 2005 Author Share Posted January 3, 2005 Perhaps you are not the best person to advise others on sexuality then. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 IMHO I think you should be more concerned about the lying than the porn. I was surprised when you finally said he was 38. I thought we were talking about people in their early 20's or something. Link to post Share on other sites
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