QuestionReality Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 I doubt this should even be posted in the Marriage section,but I've been over-thinking as it is, so I'm hoping someone can help me out. As mentioned in a previous post,my fiance is the nicest guy imaginable. Does things for me,my family, is considerate,polite, generous,etc. I could go on for hours. Anyhow, the smaller issuers he has( not speaking up for himself, not addressing things i do that bother him,etc) are coming up more and more all the time. When we got engaged, I thought this was the best possible man for me, I love him. Over the past year, I'm finding the fact that he doesn't stand up for himself and help himself in issues is frustrating. He looks to me( the outspoken ,loud Fiance) to rectify his problems. Combining that with the "motherly tasks" he expects. I'm frustrated. I miss dating the confident men in life. I miss being able to take a break from being 100% on task and knowing I'm leaving decisions in compitant hands. I fear with him,if something happened, he could completely not handle any obstacles,whether they be financial, etc. Even basic bill paying doesn't get done unless am doing it. I won't lie and say that I'm not thinking about cheating, or breaking everything off. I'm not a cheater,and I'm not a stranger to starting over. Im just wondering how much of this relationship is actually repairable. We're engaged,and I've let him know, as of lately, that I'm not considering marriage on the table.There are too many issues I could never enter into a marriage with here My brain has also invaded our sex life..where I'm not even interested. and because he's not a confrontational person, he wont even attempt to initiate sex. I waited to see if he would,and ended up waiting a month. Any Insight is helpful here. I'm at the end of my emotional rope. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 It could just be that you two are incompatible emotional/mental types. Some people are just the way they are - and no amount of therapy/intervention will change a person's basic mental and emotional makeup. He sounds like a fairly passive and dependent person - something that is probably a part of himself that simply won't change. He may be able to change his behaviors - but I don't think he could change the fact that he is fundamentally passive and dependent. You have to ask yourself: can you be happy with him how he is - or can you only be happy with him on the condition that he change? If you can only be happy if he changes, then you may want to consider that maybe its not him that you love: its who you wish he was and what you wish he would be that you love. It isn't fair to either of you to continue the relationship like this - particularly when you are already looking for an exit door. It could be that with the right partners, both of you will have a chance at happiness and fulfillment - but it could well be that you just aren't the right partners for each other to make that happen. Luckily you are finding this out now, and not some years after you get married. How many times do you hear "you aren't the person I fell in love with" - well, sadly enough, when we fall in love - we almost always fall in love with the image/hopes/potential we map onto that person rather than the very flawed and human person they really are. It could be that your blinders are off and you are seeing your fiance for who he truly is - unfortunately, not someone you would be compatible with. If you want to give it a shot - then get thee both to counseling and see what works out. If it turns out that you really don't want to marry him, and you two part ways then at least you can say you tried. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuestionReality Posted December 23, 2004 Author Share Posted December 23, 2004 Thanks for Your Reply! I'm very well aware that I cant change him. When we first started dating, he was pretty independent and did things on his own. It seems since we've lived together,he is digressing into this needy person. I don't think I'm enabling him. I try to get him to take initiative ,and I'm supportive if he tries. Even with me being honest now about how I feel,he acts like there isn't any problems,and doesn't acknowledge my concerns. It seems to me, like his mind set is" well we don't argue or fight,so every things ok" . We don't fight or argue, but the underlying tension is driving me insane. I plan to discuss everything after the holidays with him,and see if we can work some of it out. Thanks for your thoughts,they're always appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by QuestionReality Even with me being honest now about how I feel,he acts like there isn't any problems,and doesn't acknowledge my concerns. If you really want to work it out - then it may well be that some couples couseling will help you two out. Sometimes it takes an objective third party to make your significant other realize that there are problems that need to be addressed. Whichever way it goes for you, hopefully it will work out best for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 You two need to see a licensed marriage counselor. I believe every couple who is going to get married should see one for a few months before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuestionReality Posted December 23, 2004 Author Share Posted December 23, 2004 Marriage counseling I'm sure helps,however,its not an issue of him not wanting/trying to change. He's always so eager to please,that he would try,however, I know you cant change people and I'm not going to try to. I love the person he is,I just don't think that our personalities would withstand longterm together.****ty place to be,really. When the holiday is over, I will sit down and try again to talk to him, and see where it goes.Thanks for your replys everyone. Im a little less bummed out.. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Well, in my relationship I am the outspoken, social planner. My husband is more passive and more calm and steady. I do all the bills, shopping (grocery, clothing, Xmas), make lunches. dishwasher/kitchen cleanup and about 75% of the meals. My husband does the garbage, snow shovelling, gardening, cat litter box, and we both share the cleaning. The point I'm trying to make is that even though sometimes it may seem like you are doing everything, it may not be the case. We split up the chores based on what we like/don't like to do. It works out pretty good. My husband doesn't typically stand up for himself - but I encourage him too. He needs my strength just like I need his strength in other things. Balance, IMO is what a marriage is. It seems to me like you are just having trouble dealing with the fact that you two are opposites. My point is - sometimes that is what makes the best marriage. HOWEVER, you need to accept and love him AS IS. Granted you can encourage him to be more respectful, courteous, etc. but don't try to change his personality and who he is as a person. You need to decide if it is HIM - warts and all - or the IDEA of him that is what you want to marry. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 hmmmmmm this sounds like my ex husband. Sorry to say this but when your confronted with one who never initiates anything best to let him know and now! Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 Just wanted to say, speaking as one who is engaged, I know how hard it can be when you start to wonder if you are doing the right thing. I love my fiance very much, but we are experiencing problems which have led us both to wonder if we are doing the right thing. We very much want it to work out, and we are trying hard...including counselling, and yet we still keep hitting BAD days and then we start wondering all over again. And get very sad. I hope you can sort out what you want, and how you feel about this relationship soon, so that you can feel free and fully happy again...one way or the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts