how to start NC

[firststeps]

One step forward two steps back.

 

My story is on this forum. Basically my husband was my first love, we were together for 20 years, married for 14. Had such an amazing relationship, till he went into a state of depression this year coupled by a mid life crisis and then an affair. l caught on and he walked away.

 

lm going ahead with separation, cause lve been strung along and he wont stop seeing the other woman.

 

What lm struggling with the most is the NC and boundary setting. l don't reach out to him or call him, and trying to pick up the pieces but when he contacts me, l jump thinking that he had a breakthrough and wants to come back.

 

Fast forward to Wednesday, he calls me up very distraught, and upset, starts to apologize for what he is done to me, starts to say that he didn't give us a fair chance, that he is miserable etc. l invite him over to talk. l try to get answers on what he wants, does he want to try to work on us.

 

He says he is so confused, part of him feels that he needs to be home with me, he needs time, he misses me, he's messed up. l get super emotional and we hold each other, he consoles me, lm so vulnerable. He says he doesn't like the person he is become, l tell him how his decisions and affecting family, friends and how it is going to be harder once we have to go back to lawyers for the separation.

 

He listened, l listened, and then we said our goodbyes and he walked out. There was no solutions, there was no commitments from him, and now l feel so stupid and feel like l set myself back emotionally.

 

He didn't call yesterday, and l suspect l wont hear from him till he is vulnerable again. When he called l thought he wanted to get back with me, so l opened the door to the conversation.

 

lm struggling so much because lm trying not to push him away if he truly wants to make it work with us. With that said, how does one set boundaries or being NC?

 

What do l say to him so he knows that unless he truly wants to make us work then there is no contact? ls that something you say?

 

Thanks for the support, my emotions are all over the place. l still love him and l miss him. The hardest part is that l mourn him, its like he is dead but still around. l hold onto hope

[Yasuandio]

Ou have to apply the 180 rules too. It was his choice to leave. You must get on with your life. There is not to be any relationship talk at all - that puts you in the pursuer position. He has to begin to miss you - but the second he does, you are picking up the phone, inviting him over, giving him hope and comfort during these trying times (he created), and the minute he feels all warm and fuzzy, and his belly is full, then he walks over the "DOORMAT" and leaves.

 

Here is how to set boundaries. First of all, know that everytime you break NC, you go back to day one. Second, by extending such kindness - you are rewarding unacceptable conduct. Read those 180's and get your mind on yourself - YOU are the wronged party here. Your old relationship is dead - you must accept that. If you are to begin a new relationship with this man, there will be some length of time before you even accept a coffee date. But certainly do not let him in your home, do not take calls for now.

 

He has to come to you, period. Otherwise, if you start asking for this, it's not going to work. He must say some to the effect of "I love you, I'll do anything it takes to save our marriage." Then you come to U's for help on this. But it will take a long time for him to get to that point because you've pretty much taught him that you're a trained seal that will do anything.

 

That is why you are pulling a big 180 right now. New hair style and color. New style of clothes. New styl'in winter coat. Styl'in ankle boots - with high heels. Walk with the best posture you can muster - and practice it always. Make eye contact and smile at everyone you see. Shake your bootie slightly. I want you to look like a new woman. Do not leave the house without looking smashing. Carry a nice handbag - wear a nice powder and lipstick always (don't overdo it).

 

Even just to go to the grocery store - look stunning, with tall posture. This will do wonders for your self esteem - it's all about you now, get that in your head.

 

Next, get all his crap out of your living space, pack it and put in garage. If a man is indecisive about whether he wants to be with you or not - this will be something that will worry you the rest of your days, my dear. He left you because he felt trapped. That is why people leave. You are opening the cage door - but in the meantime, you must beatify your feathers and nest, and take good care of yourself. I hope this advice helps you. Yas