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I’m Going to Confront Them


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man_in_the_box

Well, yeah - he hasn't got any solid proof that she cheated nor did she admit to it. Without that he doesn't have much leverage to demand that she move out right? She got in that dude's car and then he wasted his chance at catching them in the actual act by engaging them... ugh

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If the OM never got out of his car, how was the girlfriend supposed to be hit with the reality of the comparison - the tall handsome guy vs the short, stupid looking guy? I'd like to see a retake on the scene, please.

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man_in_the_box

I don't get the mentality - she's (probably) a cheater and you're turning her into some sort of price two muppets are fighting over?

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Thanks , everyone, for your feedback and criticism. I know it’s easy for some of you to sit in your relationship-hell-free armchairs and say, “She cheated? Kick her the f*ck out!” It’s not that black and white. Relationships are complex, and each couple has their own dynamic. We’ve had our problems, but we have a stable home that we’ve shared for 5 years. We rarely ever raise our voices at each other, possibly because we don’t care enough about our relationship health anymore to argue [if that makes sense]. We’ve drifted and I withdrew a bit, but I do care for her a lot, and I stayed and I never cheated. So now we’ve been in communication blackout going on 2 days now. I don’t have anything to say to her and want to keep the silence for awhile until I figure out what to do next. I’m staying at my sister’s house right now, and having fun being surrounded by family.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. She is a great person in many ways, but she is also a suspicious-minded, untrusting control freak. I’ve been reduced to having my cellphone in permanent silent mode because she always asks “Who called?” “Who are you texting?” I never ask her who‘s calling or texting her, or who she’s texting or calling, or even asking about those occasional and seemingly surreptitious calls in the downstairs bathroom.

 

This accusatory behavior of hers led to my eventual unhappiness in the relationship and my withdrawal. To her it seemed like I was cheating. Cheating, however, is a relative concept to some people. She thinks having lunch with a female friend or coworker is cheating, but I can’t help that. To be honest, I would rather keep my platonic female friends than an unreasonably jealous girlfriend. So, I didn’t mention my female friends to her, for obvious reasons, but I have never behaved inappropriately with any of them.

 

Also, I would like to know your opinions on passwords in general. We all have them, on our cellphones, on our emails, on our computers. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to not share them with your significant other? She thinks having a password means I’m hiding something. Never mind that she keeps her cellphone and iPad under password herself.

 

She once snooped around into my computer photos and found a picture I took of somebody’s hand picking up a piece of sushi. She totally lit into me, demanding WHO IS SHE? WHO DID YOU HAVE LUNCH WITH ON [insert date photo was taken, which she looked up under ‘Properties’]? WHO ARE YOU CHEATING WITH??!!

 

Well, the photo was taken at her company’s off-site buffet lunch, of which I and her teenage son attended. That picture was of his hand, and I took the photo because he was eating sushi for the very first time. I guess it looked like a woman’s hand, but that’s not the point. I told her what it was and I didn’t get an apology or even an admission of being wrong. She made it seem like it was my fault for “hiding” that photo, when it was clearly in the same album as all the other photos I took of that event.

 

Hence, the need for passwords. Just preventing unnecessarily trouble before it occurs. Not hiding anything.

 

I bring this up because 2 days ago, after the confrontation with the “OM” and when I finally got her out of my car at home, I picked up her cellphone off the car seat and glanced at it before handing it back to her. She lit into me again about how I keep my phone under password and always take it with me everywhere, like to the bathroom. The implication being that I’m up to no good.

 

This is partially true, about taking it with me a lot, but only because I have a Friends With Words addiction and I always have about 20 games going on at once. And she sees me playing it while we’re lying in bed together in the evenings, watching TV. But again she made me feel like I’m doing something wrong here, in an apparently desperate attempt to deflect the issue at hand.

 

Ultimately, I think that one true measure of trust in a relationship is NOT asking for passwords, or even making an issue of it where no issue exists.

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She once snooped around into my computer photos and found a picture I took of somebody’s hand picking up a piece of sushi. She totally lit into me, demanding WHO IS SHE? WHO DID YOU HAVE LUNCH WITH ON [insert date photo was taken, which she looked up under ‘Properties’]? WHO ARE YOU CHEATING WITH??!!

 

 

Yeah, she's cheating on ya.

 

That's another classic and textbook move from a cheater; to blame the other one of cheating. This is to put her mind at ease about her own cheating. She convinced herself that you must be cheating; therefore, she doesn't have to feel guilty about what she's doing. Kind of a "If he can do it, then I can do it too." or "I wouldn't be doing this if he wasn't doing it first."

 

It's a classic red flag dude.

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Thanks , everyone, for your feedback and criticism. I know it’s easy for some of you to sit in your relationship-hell-free armchairs and say, “She cheated? Kick her the f*ck out!” It’s not that black and white. Relationships are complex, and each couple has their own dynamic. We’ve had our problems, but we have a stable home that we’ve shared for 5 years. We rarely ever raise our voices at each other, possibly because we don’t care enough about our relationship health anymore to argue [if that makes sense]. We’ve drifted and I withdrew a bit, but I do care for her a lot, and I stayed and I never cheated. So now we’ve been in communication blackout going on 2 days now. I don’t have anything to say to her and want to keep the silence for awhile until I figure out what to do next. I’m staying at my sister’s house right now, and having fun being surrounded by family.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. She is a great person in many ways, but she is also a suspicious-minded, untrusting control freak. I’ve been reduced to having my cellphone in permanent silent mode because she always asks “Who called?” “Who are you texting?” I never ask her who‘s calling or texting her, or who she’s texting or calling, or even asking about those occasional and seemingly surreptitious calls in the downstairs bathroom.

 

This accusatory behavior of hers led to my eventual unhappiness in the relationship and my withdrawal. To her it seemed like I was cheating. Cheating, however, is a relative concept to some people. She thinks having lunch with a female friend or coworker is cheating, but I can’t help that. To be honest, I would rather keep my platonic female friends than an unreasonably jealous girlfriend. So, I didn’t mention my female friends to her, for obvious reasons, but I have never behaved inappropriately with any of them.

 

Also, I would like to know your opinions on passwords in general. We all have them, on our cellphones, on our emails, on our computers. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to not share them with your significant other? She thinks having a password means I’m hiding something. Never mind that she keeps her cellphone and iPad under password herself.

 

She once snooped around into my computer photos and found a picture I took of somebody’s hand picking up a piece of sushi. She totally lit into me, demanding WHO IS SHE? WHO DID YOU HAVE LUNCH WITH ON [insert date photo was taken, which she looked up under ‘Properties’]? WHO ARE YOU CHEATING WITH??!!

 

Well, the photo was taken at her company’s off-site buffet lunch, of which I and her teenage son attended. That picture was of his hand, and I took the photo because he was eating sushi for the very first time. I guess it looked like a woman’s hand, but that’s not the point. I told her what it was and I didn’t get an apology or even an admission of being wrong. She made it seem like it was my fault for “hiding” that photo, when it was clearly in the same album as all the other photos I took of that event.

 

Hence, the need for passwords. Just preventing unnecessarily trouble before it occurs. Not hiding anything.

 

I bring this up because 2 days ago, after the confrontation with the “OM” and when I finally got her out of my car at home, I picked up her cellphone off the car seat and glanced at it before handing it back to her. She lit into me again about how I keep my phone under password and always take it with me everywhere, like to the bathroom. The implication being that I’m up to no good.

 

This is partially true, about taking it with me a lot, but only because I have a Friends With Words addiction and I always have about 20 games going on at once. And she sees me playing it while we’re lying in bed together in the evenings, watching TV. But again she made me feel like I’m doing something wrong here, in an apparently desperate attempt to deflect the issue at hand.

 

Ultimately, I think that one true measure of trust in a relationship is NOT asking for passwords, or even making an issue of it where no issue exists.

 

Cheaters are the most jealous people on the planet, their rational is if they are cheating you must be too. Sorry but I think the true measure of trust in a relationship is not having passwords. I don't think you are committed to each other equally,why else will one spouse violate their bond given to the other spouse?

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It's called gaslighting.

 

Cheaters will turn it on you to divert the focus and attention off them. And it's working.

 

I've been with two cheaters in my lifetime. Both exhibited this classic red flag.

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Thanks , everyone, for your feedback and criticism. I know it’s easy for some of you to sit in your relationship-hell-free armchairs and say, “She cheated? Kick her the f*ck out!” It’s not that black and white. Relationships are complex, and each couple has their own dynamic. We’ve had our problems, but we have a stable home that we’ve shared for 5 years. We rarely ever raise our voices at each other, possibly because we don’t care enough about our relationship health anymore to argue [if that makes sense]. We’ve drifted and I withdrew a bit, but I do care for her a lot, and I stayed and I never cheated. So now we’ve been in communication blackout going on 2 days now. I don’t have anything to say to her and want to keep the silence for awhile until I figure out what to do next. I’m staying at my sister’s house right now, and having fun being surrounded by family.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. She is a great person in many ways, but she is also a suspicious-minded, untrusting control freak. I’ve been reduced to having my cellphone in permanent silent mode because she always asks “Who called?” “Who are you texting?” I never ask her who‘s calling or texting her, or who she’s texting or calling, or even asking about those occasional and seemingly surreptitious calls in the downstairs bathroom.

 

This accusatory behavior of hers led to my eventual unhappiness in the relationship and my withdrawal. To her it seemed like I was cheating. Cheating, however, is a relative concept to some people. She thinks having lunch with a female friend or coworker is cheating, but I can’t help that. To be honest, I would rather keep my platonic female friends than an unreasonably jealous girlfriend. So, I didn’t mention my female friends to her, for obvious reasons, but I have never behaved inappropriately with any of them.

 

Also, I would like to know your opinions on passwords in general. We all have them, on our cellphones, on our emails, on our computers. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to not share them with your significant other? She thinks having a password means I’m hiding something. Never mind that she keeps her cellphone and iPad under password herself.

 

She once snooped around into my computer photos and found a picture I took of somebody’s hand picking up a piece of sushi. She totally lit into me, demanding WHO IS SHE? WHO DID YOU HAVE LUNCH WITH ON [insert date photo was taken, which she looked up under ‘Properties’]? WHO ARE YOU CHEATING WITH??!!

 

Well, the photo was taken at her company’s off-site buffet lunch, of which I and her teenage son attended. That picture was of his hand, and I took the photo because he was eating sushi for the very first time. I guess it looked like a woman’s hand, but that’s not the point. I told her what it was and I didn’t get an apology or even an admission of being wrong. She made it seem like it was my fault for “hiding” that photo, when it was clearly in the same album as all the other photos I took of that event.

 

Hence, the need for passwords. Just preventing unnecessarily trouble before it occurs. Not hiding anything.

 

I bring this up because 2 days ago, after the confrontation with the “OM” and when I finally got her out of my car at home, I picked up her cellphone off the car seat and glanced at it before handing it back to her. She lit into me again about how I keep my phone under password and always take it with me everywhere, like to the bathroom. The implication being that I’m up to no good.

 

This is partially true, about taking it with me a lot, but only because I have a Friends With Words addiction and I always have about 20 games going on at once. And she sees me playing it while we’re lying in bed together in the evenings, watching TV. But again she made me feel like I’m doing something wrong here, in an apparently desperate attempt to deflect the issue at hand.

 

Ultimately, I think that one true measure of trust in a relationship is NOT asking for passwords, or even making an issue of it where no issue exists.

 

*cough* you're posting in a forum..what do you expect people to say? Oh and your story is not unique, neither are you. Get over yourself, you ask for advice, you can take it or leave it, but don't have a go, when people are essentially trying to help.

 

Just saying.

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coffeebean201
It happened. Just as I planned. The scenario I ran through my head over and over again played out as I expected. Let me be clear, I am in no way proud of what happened.

 

I’ve spent the last few days on the edge of an anxiety attack, not being able to focus at work, watching the clock tick closer and closer to 2:30 PM each day, when she gets off work, wondering if this is the day I catch them together.

 

Each morning when I wake up, the first thought in my head is that the woman sleeping next to me is cheating, and my heart seizes into a fist. At 3:00 AM today I had an especially bad feeling. She had had a facial and wax yesterday, and last night braided her hair so it’s wavy and beautiful in the morning. I couldn’t go back to sleep again, and when she got up at 5:00 AM, as usual, I pretended to just get up, too (even though my workday starts later). Before she left this morning, she kissed me good bye and told me she loves me.

 

I have not confronted her with my suspicions because I knew she would just deny it. So, I was tracking her and patiently waiting for the right moment to catch her and him together. I knew I had only one shot at it, so there’s your answer to those who wonder why I was tracking her but wasn’t doing anything.

 

Each day I took a late lunch and went to her gym, which is not far from her (and my) workplace. I scouted it out, trying to find the best vantage point where I can see her, but not be seen. She’s been good the past couple of days; coming to the gym and actually going inside and working out, and no sign of his car.

 

Today, as 2:30 PM rolled around, I drove over there and waited in a parking lot across the street. At 2:40, my tracker indicated that she left work and was headed over to the gym. Before she got there, I saw his blue Nissan pull in and park. This is it, I thought. She came in a minute later and parked 3 spaces down. I saw her get out and walk over toward the gym, temporarily vanishing from my viewpoint. She came back into view and towards her car about 20 or 30 seconds later. She couldn’t have gone into the gym in that short a time. She went to his car and got in. That was my cue; I roared the engine, pulled out of my spot and came around to his parking space, screeching to a halt behind his car, blocking it.

 

I expected to have to coax her out of the car, but she had already gotten out and acted like nothing’s wrong. I’m still trying to remember exactly what she said. Something, like “hey, what are you doing here” in a light manner, as if this is all innocent.

 

I told her to get into my car and wait. I walked over to the passenger side window, looked in and asked him “Do you know who I am”? He played it all nervously, which is what I expected. I then told him “Don’t ever touch my girlfriend again, or I’ll come find you”.

 

At this point my girlfriend had gotten out of my car, but I gently showed her back in, then I got in and tossed the tire iron I had hidden in my pocket into the back seat. She asked what that was for, but I didn’t answer. Truth is, I never intended on using it, and glad that I didn’t have to.

 

I peeled out of there. I was present of mind and posed no danger to anybody around me, so please don’t judge me.

 

Of course, the ensuing conversation as I drove her home was worse than I thought. I misjudged her. She was caught, but denied any wrongdoing. They were going for a snack, his invitation. He was relatively new to the company (since October 1st) and needed friends, but when I asked why it was incumbent on HER to be his social committee, I got a vague response. I don’t remember it now. So why meet her at her gym? They work together, why not just leave from work? She claims she stopped at the gym to drop something off, or get something? But she never went inside! I didn’t call her on it; I didn’t see the point. Cheaters are liars.

 

I also didn’t mention I knew about her 2 trips last week to the beach, including the night we were going to the movies. She had gotten home 15 minutes before me that evening, looking like she just got home from work, but the shower was wet and so I knew she hastily washed herself off. Who goes to a romantic spot on the beach with a male friend just to get a snack?

 

Deny, deny, deny, all the way home. Started “gaslighting”, making me feel I was doing something wrong by following her, then demanding proof that I know she f*cked that guy. Actually making me feel that I acted rashly and maybe, just maybe, I didn’t think this through. The woman has ice water running through her veins.

 

I pulled into our driveway and told her to go inside. NO! she said, we’re going to stay here and talk. I told her I have nothing more to say. She refused to leave. So I got out and tried to unlatch the seatbelt but she wouldn’t let me. She struggled, so I gently told her it’s OK, I’m not mad, c’mon, babe, let’s go. Finally got her out and into the garage. She cried, “If you don’t believe me, I’m leaving!” and stormed into the house. I walked back to the car, closed the garage, and drove back to work.

 

So now I’m typing this from a hotel room. Tomorrow I’ll crash at my sister’s place until I figure out what to do next. I’m relieved that this is over and I no longer feel anxiety, but it’s been replaced with feelings of overwhelming emptiness and a huge headache.

 

One final thought: does anybody know the percentage of cheating people who actually get caught in the sex act? I’m sure it’s very low. But the main question is this:

 

How much proof do you need?

 

Sounds like you have quite the temper. Rather than trying to "catch" them spending time together, I would have focused on being her best friend and being a part of her daily life and being fairly constantly around and also making friends with her friends. Were they cheating? I don't know.

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Jbird, I think you did the right thing and confront them. That's how I would go out if I suspect my partner of cheating. But I think you should have follow them and see where they were heading. I prefer to catch the cheaters in the act of cheating "kissing or holding hands" or at his place. That way there is no way she could even deny it.

 

Anyways, you're handling this fine. Wish you the best.

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