Bombshell after 13 years

[Ggumpster]

I have been married for 13 years and have a beautiful 11 year old daughter.

Some years ago I suffered a severe back injury and this affected our sex life. We

Always spoke openly about this and had a loving, close relationship with barely a

Crossed word. We both believed that one day things would get better but we were happy without sex, travelled widely and did all the things that loving families do.

A month or so ago she hit me with the bombshell that she has found someone else and is now sleeping with him. I was utterly devastated and so sad both for myself but also my daughter who had a tough time in primary school but has recently been very happy in her new school.

In order to keep a 'normal' family life for my daughter I suggested that even though this is happening we live under the same roof - she goes off and does what she does (she works nights anyway so it is not unusual for her to be out) and this, for the most part, works ok. We are civil to each other and I defy anyone to notice the difference. BUT, I am churning up inside. I can't bear the thought of another man's hands on her but more so I cannot understand how she could betray me and my daughter in such a cavalier way. I am hurting so badly and I know people will say this was inevitable given my injury and lack of sex but we were such a loving couple despite this and were so happy until 4 weeks ago, I wonder what I have done to deserve such cruelty and will I ever feel good again. Thank you for letting me sound off. Gary

[CarrieT]

So my first question would have been...

 

Despite your inability to "have sex" (which I read to mean you couldn't get an erection and have intercourse), weren't there other ways for you to remain intimate with your wife?

 

Sex is not just intercourse and there are many who are unable to have an erection who still share intimate moments and some that can include orgasms. Were these not a possibility or did not exist?

 

Because if your inability to have sex also meant there was no other physical intimacy, than I can see why your wife did what she did. It does not justify it nor do I condone it. If she had sexual needs, she should have talked about them with you to see if there were other ways you could have fulfilled her desires. Going out and cheating is never the right answer, but I'm curious about the first part to determine how you got to where you are now.

[dumped2013]

The living under the same roof and her going to do her own thing is not going to work. You are going to destroy your mind if you continue to live this way. Send her off to live with her buddy. I would get her out of the house if this is going to continue.

[Ggumpster]

Because my injury meant that I could not perform (initially)

we slipped into a life of celibacy for all that time. In every other way out marriage was perfect, we spoke about our lack of sex life all the time but she always said that she didn't need to have sex, 'it'll be ok and we'll work through this'. I sought reassurance all the time but never had an inkling. I feel cheated that she has just gone off and done this and now I'm left to hold everything together

while I am just ripped apart.

I must sound like a loser; I should have seen it coming but I didn't and now feel destroyed.

[M30USA]

I agree. Send her off to live with the other man. If you are impaired sexually, that is beyond your control. There's nothing you can do about that, assuming you've tried medical intervention and you do attempt intimacy to the best of your ability. It will only eat you up to know that your wife is living with you and not happy with what you can give her. Let her go. It's one of those cases where you are both trapped. Sometimes love isn't enough, I hate to say it. Money, sex, and a million other things can drive people apart. I used to be a "marriage for life" person, but after what I've experienced, I'm not idealistic anymore. From your perspective, I think you deserve a woman who can appreciate your intimacy. As understandable as it is for your wife to not be able to handle it, you deserve someone who is okay with the hand you've been dealt.

[M30USA]

I agree. Send her off to live with the other man. If you are impaired sexually, that is beyond your control. There's nothing you can do about that, assuming you've tried medical intervention and you do attempt intimacy to the best of your ability. It will only eat you up to know that your wife is living with you and not happy with what you can give her. Let her go. It's one of those cases where you are both trapped. Sometimes love isn't enough, I hate to say it. Money, sex, and a million other things can drive people apart. I used to be a "marriage for life" person, but after what I've experienced, I'm not idealistic anymore. From your perspective, I think you deserve a woman who can appreciate your intimacy. As understandable as it is for your wife to not be able to handle it, you deserve someone who is okay with the cards you've been dealt. And, yes, there ARE lots of women who are okay with that. I'm pretty surprised actually. More women are okay with that than men I think.

[Ggumpster]

I should have posted before as for the first time in weeks it's given me some perspective. I tried everything I could, hid nothing and promised nothing I could not achieve. I feel betrayed as I believed, right up to the fateful day, that love was enough, but obviously not. I feel desperately hurt and sad and wonder if my beautiful happy daughter will ever be the same after I drop the bombshell on her.

Thank you for replying it helps more than you know. G.

[Yasuandio]

Sounds like she really wasn't OK with no longer having orgasms via her husband's assistance (which does not require an erection). That is kinda common sense. I think you should have tried to satistfy your wife - and reinforce that she was still desirable to you. I'm sorry to say, this seems lazy on your part - no matter what she said ("she would live without" - that was a polite statement).

 

I would try to get back up on the saddle - at least try. She has breasts, she has a clitoris, and a g-spot, among other things that you could have been pleasuring during this time. There are also great toys out there that can assist in making her go crazy wild. But man, to do nothing? What did you expect? She is just a human. I am sure she loves you - that is why I would at least discuss your laziness at looking at these alternatives, and ask her if she would give it a try with you again.

 

If it is possible, it's going to take to take time for her to trust that you really do care about her intimacy desires. And you are up against some stiff competition. I would also look into the new enhancements available to men through a visit to the urologist. It is TRUELY amazing what can be accomplished with modern medical procedures, as shown below. Of course, this is only an example to educate you on one of MANY advancements you may not be aware of - you must be advised by a doctor.

 

This is a graphic medical procedure of installing a penis pump. You have been forewarned:

 

 

I would also forgive the indiscretion under the circumstances. Yas

[M30USA]

Sounds like she really wasn't OK with no longer having orgasms via her husband's assistance (which does not require an erection). That is kinda common sense. I think you should have tried to satistfy your wife - and reinforce that she was still desirable to you. I'm sorry to say, this seems lazy on your part - no matter what she said ("she would live without" - that was a polite statement).

 

I would try to get back up on the saddle - at least try. She has breasts, she has a clitoris, and a g-spot, among other things that you could have been pleasuring during this time. There are also great toys out there that can assist in making her go crazy wild. But man, to do nothing? What did you expect? She is just a human. I am sure she loves you - that is why I would at least discuss your laziness at looking at these alternatives, and ask her if she would give it a try with you again.

 

If it is possible, it's going to take to take time for her to trust that you really do care about her intimacy desires. And you are up against some stiff competition. I would also look into the new enhancements available to men through a visit to the urologist. It is TRUELY amazing what can be accomplished with modern medical procedures, as shown below. Of course, this is only an example to educate you on one of MANY advancements you may not be aware of - you must be advised by a doctor.

 

This is a graphic medical procedure of installing a penis pump. You have been forewarned:

 

 

I would also forgive the indiscretion under the circumstances. Yas

 

Is there any evidence that he's being sexually "lazy"?

[Ggumpster]

I was not sexually lazy, we loved each other but sex took a mutual back seat. Surely, if she started to have desires over and above our constant agreement it would have been kinder to tell me rather than just go off and have sex with a stranger and then rub my nose in it. You paint a picture of me being a total arse while she lays there frustrated. That simply was not the case as our frequent conversations testify.

Maybe she fell out of love with me or however she wants to call it and that may be so, I am hurting at the way she did it treating me and my daughter badly in the process. (In my view)

[Yasuandio]

I was not sexually lazy, we loved each other but sex took a mutual back seat. Surely, if she started to have desires over and above our constant agreement it would have been kinder to tell me rather than just go off and have sex with a stranger and then rub my nose in it. You paint a picture of me being a total arse while she lays there frustrated. That simply was not the case as our frequent conversations testify.

Maybe she fell out of love with me or however she wants to call it and that may be so, I am hurting at the way she did it treating me and my daughter badly in the process. (In my view)

 

I am very sorry to offend you and/or misinterpret your situation. No matter her verbal agreement in conversation, she still has sexual organs that can be stimulated beyond her mental wishes.

 

If she wasn't nice about it, that could reflect some resentment, at her intimacy needs falling by the wayside (even though she said it was ok - commonsense suggests otherwise). And, her not being nice about it could also reflect her shame that she could not live up to being a Saint - and is lashing out due to what was expected from her. She could hate herself - and be blaming herself.

 

That is why I suggested the approach I did. Do you want to be eighty OR do you want your wife back? I would get over it if you want your wife back - and behind thinking divergently as I am trying to do to help you.

 

1. Do you have a better explanation why she seeks sexual fulfillment outside the marriage?

 

2. Do you have any ideas of where she may have felt her needs were neglected (other than sexual frustration)?

 

It seemed an obvious conclusion to me. I again apologize if I was off base and wrong. Please, correct me by providing you perspectives on these two questions. Yas

 

And, again, I will stand by the question: "What did you expect?"

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think you sound like a loser and I think that your wife sounds like every other wayward. Ridiculous.

[M30USA]

I don't think you sound like a loser and I think that your wife sounds like every other wayward. Ridiculous.

 

Agreed. It seems like he's pretty much being a good husband and trying his best to satisfy her. This is an honest case where it's mostly about his wife. Either she can or cannot handle his limitations.

[Chi townD]

Okay...not understanding what the whole thing is here. You posted in the separation and divorce subsection. But, what is her intention? What is your intention?

 

Is she going to continue to screw this guy and you two act like roommates? Are you going to divorce her? What's going on? What did she say to you about the whole ordeal? Did she say sorry it happened, but I'm not going to stop? You can stay or leave, I really don't care?

 

Just not seeing what your end game is here?

[Mr. Lucky]

I was not sexually lazy, we loved each other but sex took a mutual back seat.

No one is saying the choices you've made - under difficult circumstances - were wrong for you but they didn't seem to work long term for her. The back seat doesn't appear to be "mutual".

 

Where do you want to go from here? You fault her for not disclosing her new relationship but it doesn't sound as though you'd have been open to it.

 

If you're healed or on the road there, why aren't you sexually active?

 

Mr Lucky

[karnak]

In every other way out marriage was perfect, we spoke about our lack of sex life all the time but she always said that she didn't need to have sex, 'it'll be ok and we'll work through this'.

 

This is the thing that disturbs me the most in human relationships. You're interacting with someone (friend, parent, spouse, etc) and they claim to accept a situation for all it's worth and that everything is ok.

 

And then... out of the blue you discover that everything was "not ok" and that they were just faking it. That's horrible.