What are his thoughts?

[callmeQ]

I'm wondering if I'm the only one seeing things fall in our relationship. He goes to work, comes home watches tv, plays on the computer and goes to sleep. We don't do nothin on the weekends and when I ask him if he wants to do somethin, he says he's relaxin. Now I stay home with the two kids, so I am always at home. I don't want to be "relaxin" all the time. But it would be nice to have a family outing instead of me and the kids. It would be nice for a little help once in a while too. We rarely have sex and when we do its for his little hoo haws more than anything. Like when the testosterone calls, then he's good for another week or two. Does he really not see any of this? Or is it that he likes it that way and Im letting him get away with it? Please let me know of any thoughts or ideas. Oh, I'm 27 and he's 33 and we've been together for 5 years (and no marriage either!).

[Tony T]

This is not an unusual situation. He is basically taking you and his relationship for granted. Not good. But you need to take some responsibility for that for standing by and tolerating it.

 

Right now, you are NOT in a relationship. I'm not sure what you would call it. It will take a lot of work to restore things because you have let this situation go much too long and you have shown him that you are willing and capable of tolerating it.

 

Don't nag or fight about things. Just plan activities and tell him, matter of factly, that "WE" are going to the park Sunday afternoon for a picnic. Tell him to be sure to wear his shorts or jeans because the two of you wil be doing a lot of running, rolling in the grass and playing with the kids. Don't give him time to object. Just tell him the plans are made.

 

If he gets really upset, then very gently tell him the family situation is crumbling and if he doesn't become more like a mate and less like a speed bump, you and the kids are going cruising.

 

What you probably didn't say, but you implied, is that you are financially dependent on this guy. You better start taking some correspondence courses during the day.

[Ed]

Q,

 

If it makes you feel any better (which it probably won't or shouldn't) there are multitudes of couples living under the same circumstances as you. None of them should be, as you can attest to.

 

Your man has settled into a routine. This is not something he should be deep-sixed for. He may not be as happy with the situation as he seems to be, but, for whatever reason he has accepted it as it is. He may be as dissatisfied as you are, but does not know what to do to turn things around.

 

To get things going back in the right direction can be very tricky. Things could end up getting better or worse. It really depends on your and his attitude about the other and about the relationship in general.

 

Something needs to be done. As you said, there needs to be family outings, as well as, time for you and him alone, without the kids. You are going to have to take the reins and try to lead this into something more fulfilling. It will seem as though you are doing all the work, but if it works, it will be worth it.

 

In one way or another, you are going to have to let him know you want to spice things up. You are going to have to use a lot of love while manipulating him to respond to your needs. How he reacts to you is the key. If he is threatened by your actions, you'll have to show more love. But then again, he may welcome your attempts to liven things up.