I'm married but in love with another married woman - what to do?

[binglebangle]

Here's my deal.

 

I married a woman I wasn't in love with. I married her because I was in my late 20's and was ready to settle down. We're friends, but I, at least, am not passionate about her, and I don't believe she's passionate about me. We have one young child, a son.

 

This summer, I got to know a coworker of mine I'd long found attractive. Let's call her Sarah. She's married, too, but once we started getting to know each other, I quickly fell in love with her. And she developed very strong feelings for me, too, though she never actually TOLD me she was in love with me. We had a brief affair, and I started thinking about leaving my wife and asking her to be with me. But she's been divorced twice already and is reluctant to go through that again, and she has two kids with her current husband, which complicates things.

 

And then, ANOTHER other man came into the picture, a real bastard. I immediately recognized that he was no good and warned Sarah to stay away from him, but he managed to seduce her. Because he did not respect her requests to give her space, and because he was willing to tell her whatever she wanted to hear, he was able to put her in a frame of mind to leave her husband for him. I have no doubt she would have, except that the other guy's wife contacted Sarah and told her the truth about him.

 

Plus, Sarah's husband found out about this affair (but not about her brief affair with me). After much pleading on Sarah's part, she persuaded her husband to try to work things out, and it seems that things are going well for them. Sarah and I are still good friends, in spite of the fact that I was tremendously hurt by the way she allowed herself to be seduced by the other guy.

 

My problem is, I'm still in love with Sarah. Am I an idiot to feel this way after she dumped me for the sleazeball? And what does this mean for my own marriage? My wife and I have been in marriage counseling for the past 4 months, and I've confessed to having feelings for Sarah, and I've stated that I feel our marriage is without passion, but I haven't admitted the affair and I don't intend to. And my wife and I have been working, haltingly, to try to introduce more passion into the marriage, but it simply isn't working. I'm in love with Sarah and I expect I always will be.

 

Meanwhile, Sarah and her husband seem to be making progress in putting their marriage back together. In fact, Sarah just found out a few days ago that she's pregnant (yes, her husband is the father). If I leave my wife, I won't be doing it to be with Sarah. While there's no guarantee she'll stay married, I certainly can't depend on the possibility of her getting divorced.

 

And we won't be having an affair again. I promised Sarah that as long as she's married, I will neither ask her for sex nor agree to it if she asks.

 

So. I have a lot of questions. Should I stay with my wife, even though I know I'm in love with Sarah? Or should I leave her, even though it seems unlikely that Sarah and I will ever be together? Or should I be honest with my wife and tell her I'm in love with Sarah (but not admit the affair; I will never do that), and let her decide what she wants? Remember, we have two children.

 

Thanks for any insight/suggestions you might provide.

[Debster]

So. I have a lot of questions. Should I stay with my wife, even though I know I'm in love with Sarah? Or should I leave her, even though it seems unlikely that Sarah and I will ever be together? Or should I be honest with my wife and tell her I'm in love with Sarah (but not admit the affair; I will never do that), and let her decide what she wants? Remember, we have two children.

 

You are behaving incredibly selfishly.

 

Admit to your mistakes (the biggest being marrying someone you didn't love) and affair and let the chips fall where they may.

 

As for Sarah - forget about her. Stop contact - except necessary professional contact. Even if you do love her (which IMO I think is lust, not love), she clearly doesn't love you back.

[murasaki]

Sadly enough I don't think your problem is all that uncommon -- I've witnessed similar things among friends and acquaintances, and I'd say that at least 50% of the time, possibly a bit more, the person looking for the missing passion in their relationship was a man.

 

I think you've got to come to terms with a couple of different things here:

 

1. The object of your affections, Sarah, was on her third marriage when you fell for her. That, right there, screams, "love junkie" -- someone who's looking for highs in her romantic interactions, and doesn't want to be around for the lows.

 

2. Even if Sarah weren't on her third marriage, both you and she were committed elsewhere, and so your attraction to her, your affair with her, and your lingering feelings for her were illicit (exciting!), and limited in scope (you two made each other feel significant, alive, etc. -- but not obliged, not apologetic, and all of the other emotions that come into play when you're in a committed relationship where your partner holds certain reasonable expectations that you're bound to disappoint from time to time). In other words, your relationship with Sarah was all the fun bits of love without any of the difficulties that are harder to navigate.

 

I'm sorry you're in the place you're in. I hate to say it but I suspect you're just not cut out for a lasting, committed relationship. Passion can exist in such relationships, but it has to be cultivated. If you're one of those people who believes that love is something that just happens, or doesn't happen, that it comes and goes mysteriously and one can do nothing to shape it ... then it's highly unlikely that you can maintain your half of a long-term, committed relationship in which people share all aspects of their lives.

 

Daily life doesn't facilitate the kind of romance you're looking for. If that kind of romance is what you're after, recognize that you're not cut out for marriage, or probably any relationship that lasts more than a year at most. That's okay, not everyone is able to be happy in a long-term committed relationship. Stop trying to make yourself be someone you're not. Admit to your wife that you're just not going to be satisfied in your marriage with her, because chances are you couldn't be happy in the long run married to anyone. Get divorced, let your wife pursue someone whose views on love & happiness are more aligned with hers. And pursue romance to your heart's content...

 

Good luck!

[Moose]

I married a woman I wasn't in love with. I married her because I was in my late 20's and was ready to settle down.

 

This was your first mistake. I don't blame you though. Society has taken the seriousness, and the idea of a full commitment out of Marriage.

 

Here's the thing though. You made your bed, now lie in it. You made a mistake with the affair, now repent.

 

You need to tell your wife about the affair. Plain and simple. IF, she forgives you, and that is a big IF.......then you need to work on your marriage.....period. If not, then she should divorce you, and you should move on.

 

Yes, you are selfish. You placed your needs before anyone else, even from the begining. You married because, YOU were ready to settle down. You had an affair because YOU lack feelings for your wife. You're breaking up Mommy and Daddy in spite of what's really healthy for your children because YOU're not happy........

 

Mistakes are ok, as long as you learn from them. As for me, I'll never make the mistake of an affair because put quite simply:

 

There isn't a piece of tail out there worth losing my wife and family over.

[Leaf]

yup, selfish. My MM married this girl because he "had to" family pressures, didnt want to hurt her.. blah blah blah... the real reason he did it, was his own selfishness, HE didnt want to be the bad guy, didnt want to disappoint his family, He didnt want to look bad. So he went ahead and did it anyways.. while he was having an affair... end result, he has hurt everyone in his life.

 

The thing to do, is to not put someone in that situation... if you are not In Love with your W then the best thing to do is to let her go. Dont stay because it would be hard to leave, I am sure she is a form of security for you. but do yourself a favour and her.. and end it now, before you destroy her with an affair.

 

As for the OW.. Dont put someonelse in this situation either... if you will NEVER leave your W... then do NOT destroy an OW at the same time.

[izzybelle]

leaf,

 

i'm not defending what your MM did, by any means. but i got married shortly after college. i knew it was a mistake and if my father hadn't been holding onto my arm walking down the aisle, i would have turned and run. i knew i was making a huge mistake but was so afraid of disappointing everyone. i was young and stupid and needless to say the marriage didn't last long. and yes, in retrospect, i would have been better to run! too many people were hurt in the end anyway. it was stupid and selfish and just made things worse for everyone but i was too afraid.

[Leaf]

He said the same to me. He told me how scared he was, he would cry.. he really didnt know what to do. I felt so bad for him. What is the biggest shame in these situations is I think the families would at first be upset, but utlimately they would understand. Fear just cripples people, which I can understand.

[Mr Spock]

HA HA!!

 

Ok, you're unhappy in this relationship with your wife-leave her and allow her to find somone who IS passionate about her, you owe her that much at least.

 

But stay AWAY from this lady. I think it shows that you're immature because YOU are getting mad the women who you are f*cking and confessed NO feelings for you is having sex with someone else. She is NOT going to just suddenly fall in love with you, if she hasn't had those feelings already.

 

 

"Tremendously Hurt" my ASS buddy. You need to find out who you really are, and let your wife find someone who does feel that way about her. Not fair she's saddled with you. Be honest-why the hell should you get to keep her around as your fall back safety net when you get your wittle feewings hurt and run home when you can't even feel PASSION with her?