LittleMiss Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 I was wondering what some men are willing to sacrifice to be happy. I mean if you had to choose to stay in a marriage where you were not in love with the woman any more, would you do it so you could be there for your children? Would you rather be happy with someone else and missing your children or would you be miserable in your marriage but happy you are with your kids? Do you think it's right to stay in a marriage just to be able to raise your kids and not because you love your spouse? Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 I'm staying in a relationship simply to have my children have both of there parents and I am completely miserable and depressed.... Although we are both great parents should your children grow up seeing there parents "settle" for misery? Should they grow up not knowing what love is? i myself don't know the awasnser to these questions but I am couirious to see what others post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleMiss Posted December 23, 2004 Author Share Posted December 23, 2004 It's a tough one, but honestly I don't think your kids are better off with two parents who don't love each other. I think that will somehow show and it will affect them. It's better that they are apart and happy and that will make them better parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Most people know that I believe there is no course for divorce unless there's been an act of adultry. So for me, yes, I would stay in a marriage no matter if I'm happy or not. I'm very blessed and very fortunate not to be in that situation. I can't speak, or comment on which is healthier, growing up with or without parents. I grew up with several step-dads, so I'm not in a position to speak for how I'd be had my Father stayed with my Mother. I would like to believe that growing up with both parents is ideal, but without both parents demonstrating love, I can see where that'll be worse off for the children. The children are hurt no matter which way it goes. This is precisley why I feel good ole fashioned beliefs towards marriage should be instilled in everyone. Everyone is losing the ideals behind what a marriage was intended to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LittleMiss Posted December 23, 2004 Author Share Posted December 23, 2004 So if there has been adultery and there is a loveless marriage it does seem better off that the parents do not stay together just for the children? Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 My view is that the best thing for a child is a happy parent. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 If there is adultry, and neither parent love one another, then it's my opinion that the children would be better off if the parents part. That way, once the ripples in the pond fade, and new loves are discovered, the children will be in a better enviroment(s) where love is displayed. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 My parents stayed togeather just for us... I'm 24 and my bro is 21. and they are still togeather and miserable. But we turned out just fine. So I don't really have an opinion about it. ALl I know is that it is very painful for me to stay in my current relationship, but I am sucking it up for my children..... At the same time I hope my parents never felt this pain, Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 The last 10years of my parents' marriage was very unhappy. You could feel the chill in the air. My mother was drinking more than she used to. My father spent hours watching TV with a blank look on his face. How is this beneficial to the children? My sisters told me they couldn't wait to leave home, if only to escape the heavy feeling of things left unsaid. One of my sisters told me that when she visited the family home after she'd moved out, she used to get hives. Even as a young child, I could feel the loneliness that emanated from my parents, although I had no word for it then and I couldn't articulate it. As a child, I often acted much older than I was. I ran interference between my other siblings when they fought. I listened to everybody's problems. I felt responsible for everyone's feeling and felt like I needed to 'fix' things all the time. It was very hard for me to relax. I tended to feel a sense of dread a lot of the time. Things never felt secure. Tension always bubbled below the surface. I used to have nightmares about things exploding. Children can sense pretense. They know when adults are 'acting' and telling them things that aren't true. Even if they don't say it but merely act out hte part of 'Oh, aren't we the Happy Family,' they sense that Truth is not valued. Children learn that rather than truth... appearance is more important. It took me years to unravel so many emotional knots as an adult. Should people make efforts to save a marriage? Certainly. Should they try to ride through some rough times? yes, I believe that. But sometimes, a relationship has died. It's over. It's obvious to everyone around you that there is no reviving it. The divorce was painful, but since then both my parents have moved on and are in happier relationships. Yes, we took some emotional bumps along the way, but what a relief to have things out in the open....some honesty! We have all benefited from it. Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 My children are definitely better off without their father. He was a rampaging, abusive, molesting, unfeeling man who experienced the same as a child. While it wasn't his fault that things happened to him, it is his responsibility to be a good father. He wasn't, so I left. There was suspected relationships, but I never had proof. When we landed here, I got my children mentors, counselors, and was lucky enough to find amazing men in my workplace who took extra time with them, as well as a wonderful in home daycare situation where a loving older couple provides them with after school care, and has worked with the counselors to make sure we were all on the same page. My fiance, who was a really good friend, worked with our family counselor, and got a part time job at the sitters to get to know the kids better when he decided to pursue a relationship with me. He got to know the kids in their safe space, and we haven't had the normal step parent adjustment. They were actually excited and relieved when we got together. For us it was worth it to change everything. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 My parents have been married over 35 years. They are two profoundly screwed up individuals, but they love each other dearly in their bizarre and dysfunctional way. I am a depressed nutball. So, just because your parents stay together doesn't mean you turn out good. My Dad threatened to divorce my Mom a few times when I was younger, and my sisters and I kind of supported him and said we would go live with him if this happened. He never did. I often wonder how I would have turned out had I not been subjected to my mother. There was never adultery. But I wonder about this a lot, especially considering the very chilly relationship that I have with my mother. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 the breaking point for me was when i realized i was so unhappy in my marriage i no longer felt like a good parent. i didn't want to be in the same house as my ex, i hated it, so i spent a lot of time at the grocery store. sad, but true. and i worked long hours and weekends sometimes just to get out of the house. eventually i realized that i was really just putting my kids through hel! because i didn't have the courage to get out. so...i did. some of the dads i know now who are having problems with their marriage are doing similar things. working longer hours, going out with the guys, sitting and watching tv...their escape. if a divorce is handled appropriately the kids come out fine. when it turns into a nasty battle over the stupidest things they end up hurt. i wanted my kids to see their mom happy again. that was more important to me than saving a lousy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
renezfd Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by izzybelle i wanted my kids to see their mom happy again. that was more important to me than saving a lousy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Saving Grace Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 ~HAPPINESS IS BEING A GOOD PARENT~ ...You can be a good parent with a partner/spouse... ...You can be a good parent with/out a partner/spouse... ...You don't need anyone else to be a good parent... ...Your children and your childrens needs come first before anything, they are helpless and it is both of your jobs to provide and protect them at all costs...They did not ask to come into this world... ...I believe that children should be raised by both parents, I am almost 4 weeks into my divorce and I am discovering that we are GREAT parents seperate and together...My divorce (my cause/not my choice) ...We have chosen to put our children first! Our needs second... ...We are adults, we need to act like that!... ...Arguing, fighting and vicious, malicious behavior does nothing but hinder BOTH of your abilities to be good parents...Now and when they grow older...We remeber everything positive and negative...I'd rather have my children remember only positive...When you do the right thing that is all that matters! Just a little thought... Merry Christmas~Happy Holidays~ Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 The thing some people seem to forget is that ending the relationship doesn't mean you end parenting. Things change this is true but children DO adapt. And seperated parents who can let the anger go are MUCH better for children than ones who stay together and cheat and lie and scream at each other and make their children feel scared and unstable. Link to post Share on other sites
Saving Grace Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock The thing some people seem to forget is that ending the relationship doesn't mean you end parenting. Things change this is true but children DO adapt. And seperated parents who can let the anger go are MUCH better for children than ones who stay together and cheat and lie and scream at each other and make their children feel scared and unstable. I agree whole heartedly with Mr Spock. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 25, 2004 Share Posted December 25, 2004 My take on it is that if the parents truly put their kids first and the parents find happiness and joy with their children, and the parents don't show the children their unhappiness, then stay in the marriage. If parents can't stay in a loveless marriage and find joy and happiness in their children, then they should split up. Not all kids can recognize unhappiness in their parents if the parents don't show it to them. But if the kids are always hearing arguments and can see how unhappy their parents are - that is what will negatively affect them and their future relationships. Some couples can remain friends and enjoy the companionship and company of their spouse without being in love with them, and some parents can't. Some parents can sacrifice a sex life and/or being deeply in love with their spouse and be just fine with the sacrifice because they feel that what they gain is more valuable to them, but some can't. There is no easy answer and there is no right or wrong that can be applied to everyone. Knowing your children well is very important to the decision. Kids might react with tears and anger and self-blame for a while, but seeing their parents happy apart can help. Communication with the children and both parents continuing to play a very active role in raising the children is important no matter what the decision is for the parents. Sorry to sound so wishy-washy about it, but that is how I feel. I'm not a counselor, but if I were counseling parents about it, it would be on a one-to-one basis with the parents first, and then the children. Every situation is unique. I doubt if there is a child today who doesn't have friends or schoolmates with divorced parents. It's not something new to them and their coping mechanisms are different than those of kids 20 or more years ago. That has to be take into account also. Link to post Share on other sites
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