I want to be friends again. Is it too late?

[beyondcrushed]

I work with my ex. We've been broken up for 2 months. He ended it cause he felt no more attraction for me. But he wanted to be friends after the break up. I shot him down cause I knew it would hurt too much.

 

Just now I tried to reach out and be friendly, but he isn't at all friendly back. He is very cold. I want to be friends again, but I think he is too angry with me for not being his friend and for avoiding/ignoring him.

 

How can I be friends with him again? Should I ask him to coffee or leave him alone until he's in a good mood? Or is he making it clear he's not interested in anything anymore and just leave him alone?

[2fargone]

It's not too late. It's too soon.....

[Simon Phoenix]

You don't want to be friends. You want to be friends to try to convince him to give you another shot romantically. He knows this.

[BC1980]

You are panicking right now and looking for any way to have him in your life. You know this isn't a good idea.

[Zahara]

You are in no way ready to be friends.

 

I have a feeling you are trying to be friends so that maybe he may find interest in you again.

 

Don't do this to yourself.

[harrybrown]

For yourself, try the 180. Read up on this. It will be hard since you work together.

[beyondcrushed]

You all are right. I was panicking. And its too soon. And yes, I just want to convince him. Hoping one day he'll come around. This heartache sucks, sucks, SUCKS!

 

Thank you all for helping me out so quickly!

[xUnknown]

I know how you feel beyondcrushed. Earlier this week I found out my ex has SERIOUS self esteem issues...where being around me and while we were having sex made her feel "fat" because I'm getting in such better shape myself. I felt terrible that she was going through all this without knowing - but she didn't tell me. I wanted to be a friend for her because she asked to be friends when she broke up with me, but I declined the friendship. I wanted to reach out to her just to talk and be there for her but knew that subconsciously, it was for the exact reasons stated above.

[sun1972]

This site has given me a lot of insight

 

when i and my recent ex split, we both agreed we would have some initial nc.. then be best friends

 

i was really happy about that at the time.thought it a great idea, even raised a thread on it

 

I think differently know, thanks to this site

 

I think if you have feelings for the person, 'friends' where they dont want you back will bring nothing but pain, heartache and jealousy

 

I think once you dont care about them, then yes you can talk ..i have 2 exes i do talk to...

 

but, they are acquaintances... and while i do usually reply to their texts, it means nothing to me at all

 

that is the best you can hope for with an ex aside from reconciliation

 

so why bother?

 

NC all the way unless the dumper offers reconcilliation i think

[beyondcrushed]

I know how you feel beyondcrushed. Earlier this week I found out my ex has SERIOUS self esteem issues...where being around me and while we were having sex made her feel "fat" because I'm getting in such better shape myself. I felt terrible that she was going through all this without knowing - but she didn't tell me. I wanted to be a friend for her because she asked to be friends when she broke up with me, but I declined the friendship. I wanted to reach out to her just to talk and be there for her but knew that subconsciously, it was for the exact reasons stated above.

 

Thanks. My ex must think the same as you and he doesn't want to put himself out there too much with me cause he doesn't want to mislead me. Thanks for the insight.

[beyondcrushed]

This site has given me a lot of insight

 

when i and my recent ex split, we both agreed we would have some initial nc.. then be best friends

 

i was really happy about that at the time.thought it a great idea, even raised a thread on it

 

I think differently know, thanks to this site

 

I think if you have feelings for the person, 'friends' where they dont want you back will bring nothing but pain, heartache and jealousy

 

I think once you dont care about them, then yes you can talk ..i have 2 exes i do talk to...

 

but, they are acquaintances... and while i do usually reply to their texts, it means nothing to me at all

 

that is the best you can hope for with an ex aside from reconciliation

 

so why bother?

 

NC all the way unless the dumper offers reconcilliation i think

 

When I get down about losing him, sometimes I think it may be easier to deal with my broken heart if we were friends and I had hope that he would change his mind. But I know you are right, it would kill me right now cause I want him back. And as a friend, he doesn't have to include me in any of his life and I'd get jealous or upset if I don't hear from him. So hard. I will leave him alone for now. So hard.

 

You came out the other end -- twice! Did your exboyfriends check out of the relationship with you? Were you broken hearted? Did you get past them and able to love another without thinking of your exes?

[BC1980]

When I get down about losing him, sometimes I think it may be easier to deal with my broken heart if we were friends and I had hope that he would change his mind. But I know you are right, it would kill me right now cause I want him back. And as a friend, he doesn't have to include me in any of his life and I'd get jealous or upset if I don't hear from him. So hard. I will leave him alone for now. So hard.

 

You came out the other end -- twice! Did your exboyfriends check out of the relationship with you? Were you broken hearted? Did you get past them and able to love another without thinking of your exes?

 

Do not try to be friends to get him back. I did that, and many others in here have. Talk about heartache. It actually makes you look weak. If you go NC and set some boundaries, he will respect you more. Also, you will respect yourself more.

[Simon Phoenix]

Trying to be friends is a tragically horrible idea, especially for someone like you who has issues with being overbearing and clingy.

[BC1980]

Trying to be friends is a tragically horrible idea, especially for someone like you who has issues with being overbearing and clingy.

 

The problem that usually arises is that boundaries have to be redrawn, which is awkward anyway. Add clingy to the mix, and it's bound to cause drama. The dumpee almost always ends up on the short end of it.

 

I think both parties have ulterior motives. For the dumpee, it's almost always wanting to stay in the background, living off of crumbs, hoping the dumper changes his/her mind. That reason works really well with dumpers who want to keep their exes in the background in case they change their minds. It's sort of co-dependent in a way because each offers what the other needs, but it's dysfunctional. There is also the added benefit of alleviating guilt by keeping tabs on the dumpee to see if they are okay.

 

So it's not even really a friendship because a true friendships doesn't arise from ulterior motives.

[BC1980]

Trying to be friends is a tragically horrible idea, especially for someone like you who has issues with being overbearing and clingy.

 

My ex would always say he was friends with all his ex girlfriends. But it wasn't really friendship. At most, he sent them a Christmas card every year. I mean, is that really sustaining a friendship? That's as bad as sending a happy birthday text every year.

 

I think my ex is a borderline hoarder, and I'm beginning to think he likes hoarding ex girlfriends too. He can't let go of the past for fear it might have some future value, or he might change his mind.

[melell]

The best possible option is to forget about him and make a new friend.

[sun1972]

When I get down about losing him, sometimes I think it may be easier to deal with my broken heart if we were friends and I had hope that he would change his mind. But I know you are right, it would kill me right now cause I want him back. And as a friend, he doesn't have to include me in any of his life and I'd get jealous or upset if I don't hear from him. So hard. I will leave him alone for now. So hard.

 

You came out the other end -- twice! Did your exboyfriends check out of the relationship with you? Were you broken hearted? Did you get past them and able to love another without thinking of your exes?

 

with both my exes that i casually txt (well they txt, i reply when i can remember!)

 

1 cheated on me so i ended it..she thretened suicide etc and i went nc, and after 2 or 3 months NC there wasnt any feeling at all

 

1 was mutual, we just grew apart

 

It MAY just be me, but i find it amazing how quickly the mind recovers if you can do complete and utter NC. You can be totally hung up on them, but a few months focussing on YOU does wonders

[r321148]

I'm friends with an ex but she now lives in New Zealand so I don't think that really counts.

 

Honestly though ask yourself the question: a) "will I be ok with him talking to me about his new girlfriend and how happy she makes him"

 

Then b) ask that same question about your other military guy friends

 

If the answer to a) is no and b) is yes then you notice the difference and aren't ready to be friends

 

If the answer to both is yes then go for it.

 

(If the answer to both is no then consider dating another of your military guy friends!)

 

Good luck

Edited November 16, 2013 by r321148

[beyondcrushed]

Do not try to be friends to get him back. I did that, and many others in here have. Talk about heartache. It actually makes you look weak. If you go NC and set some boundaries, he will respect you more. Also, you will respect yourself more.

 

Ok. I will never contact or reach out. But I work with him. I am the go between for our senior executives and staff (he is staff). I often have to ask him to get me information to give to the execs. I can use email to request the information from him but sometimes I need to chat with him about it or followup in person to make sure he got the email (cause he's lazy). I guess I'll just keep it professional and not initiate any personal conversations. But we sometimes have work meetings with other staff. He sits down the hall. I can hear him when he talks to colleagues. I sometimes run into him at the kitchen or social functions in the office. Or we walk past each other occasionally in the hall. So do I ignore him in these cases? Avoid running into him as much as possible? What if he initiates contact i.e. says "hi", asks how I am, suggests coffee as friends? Do I be polite and respond but decline coffee?

[beyondcrushed]

Trying to be friends is a tragically horrible idea, especially for someone like you who has issues with being overbearing and clingy.

 

Yah, you are completely right. I could NEVER be friends with him. Not now anyway.

[beyondcrushed]

The problem that usually arises is that boundaries have to be redrawn, which is awkward anyway. Add clingy to the mix, and it's bound to cause drama. The dumpee almost always ends up on the short end of it.

 

I think both parties have ulterior motives. For the dumpee, it's almost always wanting to stay in the background, living off of crumbs, hoping the dumper changes his/her mind. That reason works really well with dumpers who want to keep their exes in the background in case they change their minds. It's sort of co-dependent in a way because each offers what the other needs, but it's dysfunctional. There is also the added benefit of alleviating guilt by keeping tabs on the dumpee to see if they are okay.

 

So it's not even really a friendship because a true friendships doesn't arise from ulterior motives.

 

Oh, yah, totally have ulterior motives. Just move on as another said. NC is the best. It's a process. Many ups and downs. Yesterday was a down day. A weak moment. I need to continue on my path. So hard!

[beyondcrushed]

My ex would always say he was friends with all his ex girlfriends. But it wasn't really friendship. At most, he sent them a Christmas card every year. I mean, is that really sustaining a friendship? That's as bad as sending a happy birthday text every year.

 

I think my ex is a borderline hoarder, and I'm beginning to think he likes hoarding ex girlfriends too. He can't let go of the past for fear it might have some future value, or he might change his mind.

 

That's funny. It's about their ego also. They're the good guy for staying friends, or like you said, in case he doesn't find another woman. It's better not to be friends with him.

[r321148]

I'm friends with an ex but she now lives in New Zealand so I don't think that really counts.

 

Honestly though ask yourself the question: a) "will I be ok with him talking to me about his new girlfriend and how happy she makes him"

 

Then b) ask that same question about your other guy friends

 

If the answer to a) is no and b) is yes then you notice the difference and aren't ready to be friends

 

If the answer to both is yes then go for it.

 

(If the answer to both is no then consider dating another of your guy friends!)

 

Good luck

 

Sorry was really early here when I posted this and got it mixed up with another thread where she was talking about a military guy!

I guess my point is the same just removed the word military

 

Yes, as you guys work together then you do need to keep it professional. You can't let your personal lives get in the way of your job. You don't need to go any further than talking about work during working hours though.

 

I think you're spot on. If he says "hi" there's no reason not to keep the peace and say hi back but the conversation doesn't need to go beyond the usual pleasantries you'd have with any other acquaintance.

If he asks you out for coffee as friends then you're back to previous advice. Don't go unless you are totally cool with just being friends (i.e. use the test of whether you'd be ok with him talking to you about his new relationship)

[beyondcrushed]

Sorry was really early here when I posted this and got it mixed up with another thread where she was talking about a military guy!

I guess my point is the same just removed the word military

 

Yes, as you guys work together then you do need to keep it professional. You can't let your personal lives get in the way of your job. You don't need to go any further than talking about work during working hours though.

 

I think you're spot on. If he says "hi" there's no reason not to keep the peace and say hi back but the conversation doesn't need to go beyond the usual pleasantries you'd have with any other acquaintance.

If he asks you out for coffee as friends then you're back to previous advice. Don't go unless you are totally cool with just being friends (i.e. use the test of whether you'd be ok with him talking to you about his new relationship)

 

LOL, no problem. I figured you meant the military men for someone else but I what you said does apply to me as well. Thank you.

 

Makes sense what you said about dealing with him at work. I don't recommend anyone getting involved with a coworker. Terrible.

[Zahara]

Ok. I will never contact or reach out. But I work with him. I am the go between for our senior executives and staff (he is staff). I often have to ask him to get me information to give to the execs. I can use email to request the information from him but sometimes I need to chat with him about it or followup in person to make sure he got the email (cause he's lazy). I guess I'll just keep it professional and not initiate any personal conversations. But we sometimes have work meetings with other staff. He sits down the hall. I can hear him when he talks to colleagues. I sometimes run into him at the kitchen or social functions in the office. Or we walk past each other occasionally in the hall. So do I ignore him in these cases? Avoid running into him as much as possible? What if he initiates contact i.e. says "hi", asks how I am, suggests coffee as friends? Do I be polite and respond but decline coffee?

 

If you see him in the kitchen, just treat him like any other colleague. If he says hi, just say hi and walk away. If he asks you for coffee as friends, decline by saying thanks for asking but I would have to decline and walk away. If he tries to stop you and make conversation, just say you're really busy and that you have to get back to work. At some point he'll get the hint and leave you alone.