I'm falling in love with my boyfriend's best friend

[cConfusedd]

Hey everyone- thanks for reading =)

 

Heres my situation-

For the past.. ehh 4 or 5 years. I had feelings for a friend of mine, Sam. While we were semi in the same circle of friends, and while I wouldn't consider him a close friend, we definately had our moments from time to time. I've always been strongly attracted to him, everything about him. & Ive always felt something between us, & i know we BOTH felt it- but we always seemed to be unavailable at conflicting times. He was attached, or I was attached etc.

 

Okay- so here is where the drama starts- One night, at a friends birthday party, I started talking to Jeff, one of Sam's closest friends, & what happened? We really seemed to hit it off. (a few social drinks always makes conversation flow easier). Okay- so Jeff & I went on a few dates... & blah blah blah... a year and a half down the line & we are in this pretty serious relationship. He loves me, My family loves him, everything perfect (la de da!) Right? wrong!

 

Ok I don't even know how it happened to be honest. I guess just a sequence of a million little events leading up to it... but Sam & I definately have something going on. We've been talkin/meeting secretly for about 2 months now. I'm really not an advocate to cheating, but for whatever reason, with him, it just feels right. When we are together I cant even explain the contentness I feel. *sigh* I think i'm falling in love with him....

 

But- okay- so if this isnt already a sticky situation... Now all four of us (me & jeff, and sam & his girlfriend, carla) are in the same circle of friends. We see each other all the time, blah blah blah. (Carla wanted to do her x-mas shopping with me!) I don't know what to do- I've tried to erase the feelings I have for him, telling myself that Jeff is a good guy who loves me & how could I do this to him? But- nonetheless- being with Sam is all I can think about. & as to what Sam tells me- he's having the exact same feelings. We are both torn. We don't want to hurt everyone & ruin so many friendships- yet how can i stay with Jeff, if when I am with him all i can think about is Sam?

 

I'll take any advice.

 

 

- one confused lady

[sean001]

You're in a sticky situation that is going to cause a lot of wrecked friendships and bitter feelings.

 

First of all, I'm not here to judge anyone for what they do -- right or wrong. I think you already know the moral compromises you've made.

 

But make no mistake about it -- the secret meetings and behind the scenes romance has an attraction in and of itself. Take away the covertness and you might find that your fascination with Sam fade. Maybe this is why you never pursued anything with Sam before -- it was never this much fun.

 

However, since you have felt something for him for some time I think what you are doing here -- consciously or unconsciously -- is exploring whether something with Sam is possible while preserving emotional security (in other words, if it doesn't work out, you and Sam go back to your old "standbys").

 

This CANNOT continue. You will get caught eventually and you WILL feel worse and worse about yourself. This is a horrible way to find out if you and Sam can have a meaningful relationship with each other. I don't know how you both could ever trust each other when you know how secretive and manipulative you both can be.

 

But if you REALLY think that you need to find out -- once and for all -- whether Sam is worth it then it is time to break up with Jeff and have Sam end his relationship with Carla -- obviously not telling them the whole truth here. Eventually, they will figure out that you both are dating but hopefully you'll be able to keep a secret (obviously not a problem for you) until both have recovered and won't care anymore.

 

But there are no guarantees. I had a similar situation happen once where I started dating an associate of mine's girlfriend after they broke up and he never wanted to speak to me again. That was his problem, not mine (he wasn't a "friend" so it's not like I broke any rules). But some people don't have the emotional maturity to handle life. Don't be one of them.

[cConfusedd]

I've asked myself some of those exact questions... , even if somehow Sam & I find ourselves able to be together what kind of relationship will we even have? Now that we both know how devious the other can be, will we even be able to establish any real trust? Although, what seems most twisted is the lack of guilt i feel. I should really feel like a peice of crap for what i've been doing the past 2 months, but to be honest, I don't. It's as if being with him feels too right to be wrong. I hope it's not just the attractiveness of wanting what you "can't have". I hope i am not just being niave.

 

Does it make sense that I am trying to look at Jeff & Sam irregardless of each other (as ridiculous as that seems). For example... whether or not Sam & I ever have anything substancial, just the fact that I am capable of having these feelings for another person most likely means I shouldnt be with Jeff, would you agree? The last thing i ever want to do is be in a relationship with someone just because it's comfortable/convenient. As hopeless romantic as that may sound, I want to be in a relationship where at any point in time i can say ____ is why i am with him & there is no where else i'd rather be.

I'm not saying I want some perfect problem free relationship. I know those don't exsist. But I dont want to constantly be weighing out the good vs. the bads. I want to just know. Am i crazy for expecting that kind of confidence in something?

[sean001]

The thing is, you're at 18 month "boredom" phase in your relationship with Jeff. Look around LS, and all over you'll find people doing the same stupid things and asking the same questions around 18 months into a relationship. It's "stale" it's "old" blah blah blah.

 

I've heard your line of thinking before, which goes something like "because I have no self control and can't make a commitment to my current relationship -- and feel darn good about it -- it must mean he is not the right one for me, right?" WRONG. Doing what you do (and not having any guilt about it) is a sign of YOUR character, not your relationship. The problem is, you need to be learning skills like COMMITMENT, TRUST, and HONESTY to make a long-term commitment to the RIGHT person should he come along. What skills are you learning now? Deception?

 

I see going through relationships as a chance to learn (a) about the other person and (b) how to be a good signficant other. If I'm going to leave any relationship, at least I want it to know that it was because it "just didn't work out" not because I sabotaged it with my own selfishness. You've already put the time in to this relationship, but then you started doing this thing with Sam. Did you ever talk to Jeff about how you were feeling about the relationship with him? Did you ever make any kind of indication that you weren't happy and try to work on it?

 

We all go through ups and downs in our relationships. If the woman is loyal to me, and I to her, during the tough times, than we are going to have a relationship that's built to last. Good luck to you and with your situation.