Ugly jealousy over his ex

[PoohGirl90]

Hey all, sorry in advance for the long read:

 

So I know what I'm doing is wrong, and only hurting myself, and I just need some good sound advice on, well, basically learning how to not give a s**t what his ex is doing!

 

This is embarrassing but here it is: I honestly made a fake twitter account to try and friend her (her tweets are private), I check her facebook (that I can't even see more than the profile picture on) everyday, I look for her on Instagram, I stalk her Pinterest. I have a serious problem and I know it.

 

I've been with my now fiance for almost 3 years, he was dating her right before we got together and they were together for about 2.5 years. It was kind of a mutual ending, but I know I had something to do with him breaking up with her to be with me. My finace and I have been friends for about 5 years, we both went to college together. She is 4 years younger than him (5 years younger than me) and was athletic. I know I'm better looking than her (and I'm usually very self-conscious, but I know it here) and I know I'm a nicer person than her (she just had a witchy personality) so I shouldn't feel threatened, but I do.

 

Problem is, I do this will all of his exes... even one that is also engaged and I have been told multiple times by multiple people that she was crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just have to know everything about their lives!

 

So, bottom line: how do I get over my stalker attitude and move on!? I'm sick of caring what they're doing!

 

Thanks for all help!

[d0nnivain]

That is seriously crazy.

 

First you unlink yourself from all of them. You simply have to Stop.

 

Remind yourself that he picked you. They are inconsequential.

 

If you can't stop on your own, get some help before you cross legal lines & end up like Alec Baldwin's stalker -- in jail.

[Philosoraptor]

This is either a self confidence issue or a trust issue.

 

To the former, who cares what they are doing? He picked you and he's spent the last 3 years with you and apparently has put a ring on your finger.

 

To the latter, do you have any reason to not trust that his feelings are true? Has he lied to you? If not, then there is no reason to not trust him therefore you can let go of his past because... well... it's not important anymore or else he'd still be with them and not with you.

[PoohGirl90]

I should clarify: I know I have trust issues. Serious trust issues. And fairly crap self-esteem. My ex before my current was lying, disconnected, unloving, and just a bad apple. I also have never trusted my dad, he has done something that could fill up their own thread. Anywho, case in point. I need advice on how to stop it, I know I could seek psychiatric help, but being a nursing student and studying psych... I just don't think they'd help much.

 

So what kind of activities can I do to forget the exs, or does anyone have any ideas of how to stop myself from looking them up? Like ways to block them or something?

[Spectre]

Well, does your bf still actually see or talk to any of his exes? Is that maybe why you do it or is it something you'd do even if he didn't?(This is why I ultimately think it is a bad idea to keep exes in your life while you are with someone, it is usually just drama waiting to happen).

 

If he isn't still seeing them, etc. then yes I can relate since I had similar issues because of how girls had cheated and lied to me in the past. You do need to find a way to deal, though it is good you recognize you have a problem.

 

One thing though, I noticed you said he was with a girl for a few years, so I assume it was a serious relationship. You then say you think part of the reason he broke it off was to be with you. I would then wonder if any of your behavior might be from the fact you think deep down he still might have feelings for her? I think you need to talk to him and explain how you feel, say that you want him to honestly think about if he has any unresolved issues with his ex. I'm not saying accuse him or anything like that.

[greenfairie]

Woah that's crazy. I can relate to you on the "stalker" attitude except I did that with my ex boyfriend, NOT any of their ex-girlfriends. I chose not to know anything about them because I think that would just drive me bananas! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can get rid of this and I think you will if you replace that activity with something else more useful!

 

I think maybe take a break from social media altogether except for e-mail, google, and this site.

 

Block their accounts if you can.

[PoohGirl90]

Woah that's crazy. I can relate to you on the "stalker" attitude except I did that with my ex boyfriend, NOT any of their ex-girlfriends. I chose not to know anything about them because I think that would just drive me bananas! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can get rid of this and I think you will if you replace that activity with something else more useful!

 

I think maybe take a break from social media altogether except for e-mail, google, and this site.

 

Block their accounts if you can.

 

Yeah, I'm going to try to block all accounts. I deleted the twitter I made. And honestly, it's weird because I could care less about my exes, and I wish I didn't have any access to my fiance's exes... I just hate feeling this way. But I appreciate your post.

[PoohGirl90]

Well, does your bf still actually see or talk to any of his exes? Is that maybe why you do it or is it something you'd do even if he didn't?(This is why I ultimately think it is a bad idea to keep exes in your life while you are with someone, it is usually just drama waiting to happen).

 

If he isn't still seeing them, etc. then yes I can relate since I had similar issues because of how girls had cheated and lied to me in the past. You do need to find a way to deal, though it is good you recognize you have a problem.

 

One thing though, I noticed you said he was with a girl for a few years, so I assume it was a serious relationship. You then say you think part of the reason he broke it off was to be with you. I would then wonder if any of your behavior might be from the fact you think deep down he still might have feelings for her? I think you need to talk to him and explain how you feel, say that you want him to honestly think about if he has any unresolved issues with his ex. I'm not saying accuse him or anything like that.

 

Thanks for your response. It's a little complicated with the break up between his last GF... here's my best explanation, and I'll call her "Tina."

 

So, while Tina and my FI were going out still, I was friends with my FI. So I had listened when we were together in college him talk about his feelings for her, and I knew he liked her a lot. Eventually, we both were home after college and he talked about how he didn't feel the same anymore. I started to think to myself "Please, please don't be with her anymore." because I had feelings for him... but to him I only ever played the "friend" role and told him that it was important to follow his feelings and that it's good to talk to her about it, yada yada yada... So I had to deal with my own feelings for a while, not knowing his but knowing he was still with Tina. So then, I tell him I like him, he already is aware of his fact and says he likes me too and that he wouldn't mind going out, but has to break up with Tina, but is afraid to hurt her. Understandable, I guess. So I had to wait a while for him to finally break up with her (we stayed as friends, I didn't want him to cheat on her at all) and THEN had to pretend longer not to like him (around friends, around family) because he, again, didn't want to hurt Tina. So for a while he and I weren't "dating," all because of Tina and his feelings that he didn't want to hurt her. When they talked, he said it was pretty much mutual, and he was still upset about it... and I already have talked to him extensively about it before we got together to make sure he really was OK with leaving her.... but I guess I just never got over it all the way?

 

Ugh, TLTR I'm sure sorry...

 

Anywho, they weren't super serious or anything, he's said he never wanted to marry her, where he says he knew he wanted to marry me. I don't think he has feelings for her but I know I personally just feel threatened and I don't know why completely. But I really appreciate your post!