Are secrets considered lies????

[zilverenvlinder]

hey everyone

 

I started dating my bf three months ago, and since then we've been truly unseparable. (inseparable?) I have a lot of fun with him and (I think) he likes me a lot. One of the great things about our relationship is that we don't really do the "deep" thing...we don't open the ex-files, so to say, or talk about our home problems or family issues.

 

One night he decided to open up. He told me about his ex-girlfriend (whom I had never heard about until like a week ago), and how awful she was and how she cheated on him all the time. He proceeded to tell me that he's never ever cheated on any of his girlfriends. I could tell he wanted me to open up, too.

 

Well, being probably the most secretive person on the planet, I didn't really want to. I just nodded and smiled and said stuff like, "Cheating is horrible," "why would she do that to you?" blah blah. Tried to change the subject about three hundred times.

 

He doesn't know of my past, at all. I usually get really sick of my boyfriends and cheat on them. I've cheated on my last FIVE boyfriends before him in the span of two and a half years. Does he have to know if we're going to get into a serious relationship??? I'm not going to cheat on him. I REALLY like him!!

 

I know I'm a terrible person, but I'm just very Scorpionic. :rolls eyes:

 

He also has no idea that I'm manic depressive and bipolar. I hide my meds in a secret cupboard in my bathroom. There are also scars on my ankles where I used to cut myself with razors. I don't really do that anymore, but when he noticed them I told him I had a blunt razor that slipped while shaving my legs.

 

Does he have to know I'm crazy? Or can I just play the sweet, sane, happy girl for the rest of our relationship??

 

thanks adria

[Chris_T.]

You say you won't cheat on him, but you have with your 5 previous boyfriends? That's a HUGE red flag. I bet you "really liked" all 5 of the previous dudes so much you didn't think you would cheat on them either.

 

If you're manic, you really ought to share that with him and let him know what he's in for. I am borderline manic myself, and it's not easy on people that love me. I know it's not an easy thing to live with, but I don't think it's fair for you to let him get close and then have him see it for himself and wonder WTF is going on.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I sincerely think you need to be honest with him. He has opened up to you and is asking questions to you because it is clear that he wishes to get serious with you. He has made it clear that cheating is a very important subject to him.

You state you have cheated on every past 5 boyfriends when you get bored with them because this is your pattern of behavior although you say he is different from the others. The bottom line is that he deserves the truth now and allow him to make his own decisions. If he finds out later it will be very bad for the both of you later. Lies of omisssion are still lies. Either your relationship is based on honesty or it is not. He has treated you with honesty and respect. Why can't you offer him the same? I wish you luck.

[johan]

You have a bad pattern with deceit and dishonesty. I don't think you can slip out of that by saying "well I'm just Scorpionic". For one thing it's just wrong. For another, most people don't have any idea what Scorpionic means. Is that like saying you have some kind of diplomatic immunity?

 

I think he'll find out about both sooner or later without you making a special effort to tell him. Based on your history, I'd say he's not going to like either the message or it's delivery. Unless of course, you first let him know you're Scorpionic so that he won't hold you responsible for it.

[alphamale]

a person's past behavior is a good indicator of their future behavior

 

in additon...make sure you have a good psychiatrist and see him/her regularly and take your meds otherwise you are gonna be in deep shyt!

[Cecelius]

I can't exactly tell how old you are which may play into whether you tell him or not, but my view is this:

 

1) His desire to blurt out all his laundry is not exactly a requirement that you do the same.

 

2) If he ever finds out you've cheated on past b/fs and it isn't from you, prepare to get dumped or raked over the coals (personally, I would just do the dumping). I've been involved with a girl I really like who has cheated in the past and the ONLY reason we are involved is that I knew about that red flag (and I am comfortable that we're having a good time, seeing what there is to see and that the smallest inkling of shadiness and we are done).

 

So, if you want to be decent about it, let him know you have some bad facts in your past and that you are trying to be honest with him

[Owl]

The real question is...do you want him to be with you and to love you because of who you ARE, or who you let him THINK you are?

 

If you're not open and honest about your past (esp with the personality disorders and cheating behaviour) then he really doesn't have a clue about what/who he's getting involved with, does he? Let's put this back around the other way...how would you like to date a guy and find out late in the relationship that he's cheated on every girlfriend he's had, and has stalked the last two (and is still stalking the last one?).

 

Treat him like you want to be treated...not nessacarily how you've been treated...but how you WANT to be treated.

[250r]

Originally posted by Owl

The real question is...do you want him to be with you and to love you because of who you ARE, or who you let him THINK you are?

 

If you're not open and honest about your past (esp with the personality disorders and cheating behaviour) then he really doesn't have a clue about what/who he's getting involved with, does he? Let's put this back around the other way...how would you like to date a guy and find out late in the relationship that he's cheated on every girlfriend he's had, and has stalked the last two (and is still stalking the last one?).

 

Treat him like you want to be treated...not nessacarily how you've been treated...but how you WANT to be treated.

 

I totally agree